Why do women choose bad boys over nice guys?
It took me years to figure this out. I spent a lot of time being shy, lonely, angry and confused. I was definitely a "nice guy" but I was also single and jaded.
Pay attention because this might surprise you: The problem with "nice guys" is that they often try to manipulate women.
WHAT?! (You may ask)
Yes. (I answer)
Typical "Nice Guy" Behaviour:
- He buys a girl flowers
- Gives her love poems
- Spoils her with compliments
- Gives her special attention over others
- Goes out of his way to give her what ever she wants
Here's the problem... Much of this behaviour is called "approval seeking." These gifts have strings attached. This "nice guy" is flowering her with attention and gifts because he's expecting something in return - her approval, appreciation, attention and ultimately her affections.
These guys are trying to BUY a woman's approval by "being nice" which is really just a form of manipulation.
Trust me. Ask any girl who's received flowers from a guy she doesn't really know... she almost feel obligated to thank him in some way, and this makes her feel VERY uncomfortable. BUT when she get's flowers from her boyfriend she feels deeply appreciated and affectionate.
Why?
Because the intention is different.
The strange guy is trying to GAIN something from her (attention or approval perhaps.) Her boyfriend ISN'T trying to get something, he's already got her, so Instead he's trying to GIVE her something.
Can you feel the difference?
What do "Bad Boys" do that's different than "nice guys"? They don't bother to fall all over a girl just because she's beautiful, they don't send her fake compliments, pricey gifts, or any other fake behaviour in an effort to buy her attention or approval.
Instead he TEASES her. He's more playful. He's amusing but then confusing. He behaves in a way that pushes her Attraction Buttons... the "nice guy" doesn't. The "nice guy" pushes her "creepy guy" buttons.
The bad boy is actually being more honest and congruent than over-the-top compliments and gift-buying.
Why would a woman prefer being teased or confused over getting flowers? Because the "bad boy" is actually being more honest and congruent than over-the-top compliments and gift-buying. Have you ever heard this piece of advice?: "Hey, just be yourself."
What does that even MEAN?
It means you need to learn how to be more honest, sincere, and sometimes blunt. Instead of hiding behind your insecurities you should expose them. Instead of pretending like you're calm and confident you could say, "You know what? I don't know if I feel nervous or excited right now."
Instead of pretending start BEING. Ultimately women don't respond to what you're doing, or what you're saying... they respond to who you're BEING. Be fun. Be sincere. Be curious, mysterious, and funny.
Besides behaving differently from "nice guys" the "bad boys" has boundaries and rules. The typical "nice guy" has fewer boundaries - likely because he thinks they will keep her away from him. Another misstep thanks to his insecurities.
A typical boundary might be something as simple as the type of music you like, or your appreciation or discomfort with swear words or fowl language. Women are only attracted to men they RESPECT and women DEFINITELY respect a guy with strong boundaries.
For example: You're on a date with a girl and she says, "I've always wanted to check out that wicked new restaurant downtown! Take me there tonight!"
What should you say?
The "nice guy" with no spine would say "Absolutely!"
The "nice guy" with boundaries would say, "I'll tell you what... if you're paying and driving us there then we can go. Otherwise it's my choice tonight." In reality a guy with healthy boundaries isn't going to let his date dictate where he eats dinner, or what expensive restaurants to take her to.
"It's not about controlling her or the situation. It's about controlling yourself and creating your own adventures."
Having boundaries means saying "no" to random requests. The "bad boy" doesn't jump through her hoops. And he definitely doesn't simply comply to every request she has. It's not about controlling her, or the situation; it's about controlling yourself and creating your own adventures.
You'd be surprised how powerful "no" will make you feel. Everyone respects someone who will say "no." Here's how to be a "nice guy" that women respect, admire, and find deeply attractive:
Learn what YOU want in life, what YOU want in a girl, and stop expecting women to fall at your feet simply because you're being nice to them. Instead of expecting something from them, start thinking about what YOU have to offer.
What Masculine Energy do you spend time building? (Read about the power of your Masculine Energy in any book by David Deida.)
Are you wasting time trying to learn Pick Up techniques that will manipulate women into liking you? Stop it. Learn how to change your mindsets from "what can I get from her" (manipulations) to "what can I give her" (powerful masculine value.)
FINAL THOUGHTS:
I hope this helps you to see that being "Nice" is often just you trying to "get something" from her. If your intent is to get better with women then you need to take some time really investigating your motivations for dating beautiful women.
Are you seeking a deeper connection with a lover? If so then why does her being beautiful matter? Or could you simply be seeking that approval from others (when people see you together) that you never got in high school?
Either way be honest with yourself!
Best of luck,
~ Robby
Robert Belland is the writer of the popular dating book IGNORE and SCORE and enjoys writing for his Dating Advice Blog - Full of Hate and Ready to Date
Most Helpful Opinions