Firstly, I give a brief description of who I am. I'm rebellious sometimes( I really hate to be told what to do), emotional, reflective, but love to crack jokes that make others laugh ( which most probably made me popular among my social circle) as well as being responsible for tasks that I deem worthy of my attention. I'm ambitious at times, and go crazy occasionally. However, in my own quiet time I look back in retrospect and indulge in past memories as well as experiences that made my day. The reason why I'm portrayed as a "joker" or "funny" person is very obviously, because I hide my emotions and don't display it publicly. Most importantly, I'm a failure in courting girls and I'm always, more than often, too shy(or rather, coy) to confront her or even talk to her behind the computer!
Recently, my English teacher wanted to upgrade her skills in teacher and thus took a hiatus from teaching. A 23 year old, and honestly just above average looking girl with a captivating smile that injects ecstasy and drives me crazy, had taken her place for a short period of 1 month.
Theoretically, many people thought it was just a case of "lust", "physical attraction" that made me so attracted to her. And yes, I felt that way too but I tried ways to convince people that I wasn't like another guy in the school who is so desperate such that they hit on their relief teacher, although I didn't know how I really feel towards her.
Days passed and I look forward to every single lesson whereby I could practically stare at her and indulge in her smile.
*I'd bet she knew how I felt about her because she is doing her honors in psychology.
I couldn't concentrate on my studies AT ALL because all the time I was thinking of her, especially about the age gaps, and then proceed towards picturing the future of us. How would it be? Will the 7 years age gap be a persisting matter for her? Tears always form whenever I end up thinking that we will not be together and, in certain scenarios, getting rejected and spited by her. Maybe a form of self-empathy, or just a premeditated outcome by me, for me. Additionally, she's taller than me by a few centimeters, and I think that's going to be a problem, but I still have a lot of time for growth physically. Mind you, I'm just 16.
Before I proceed on to interesting stories, I'll share what I've done for today.
Today's the day where she will never be back again, because she's leaving for Australia to complete her honors and studies, and only returning at the end of the year. I feel really shag and emotional, especially when I found out someone stole the invoice (I bought her flowers on the 13th as she would not be around on the 14th) that I left around in my class. I wanted to keep it as a keepsake of my first ever gift to a girl that I really like. And today, I confirmed my love for her, although I only knew little about her and just met her a few times. See how first impression matters ? :D
++ Hmm, seems like some people has been taking photos of her and carrying out "espionage" on her!
Yes, I do hate such things that are happening. But possession is obsession and I learned to let go.
I asked myself today, in emphasis and explaining to myself in elaboration. *I skipped the "..." signs cause they are really irritating, so pardon me for that*. Am I really in love with her?
I have quite some crushes before but I'm pretty sure I'm serious this time round because I actually went to such great extents for a girl I like for the first time in my life. I cried over her. I feel jealous sometimes that, some people get to talk to her so naturally, something that I think I would not be able to do at all. The real me is burning inside to talk to her. To show her that I could be there for her. I told myself not to be selfish, because I don't really fit the bill.
Furthermore, I still cannot decide whether to let her know my feelings for her, I'm afraid to get rejected, or maybe turned down. I'm afraid that that she might take it as a joke. Deep down inside me, I know I have to let go of her, until that suitable time comes when I can take care of her. And that would be few more years down the road. Not forgetting National Service. I'll probably lose her by then.
So I went online to search for advice, and stumbled upon this website as well. I found it a very suitable platform to express my feelings and get advice from your readers that put in time to devote to reading this article (maybe so common for you).
Negative results showed that a lot of girls go for older guys and if they ever go for someone younger, it would be 3-4 years. Positively, a FEW actually said they would (and age is merely just a play of numbers), if they are matured, and able to take care of them. Something I cannot do for her, except making her feel so loved, brighten up her day, crack the silliest joke and do the silliest things for her. And yet, I cannot fulfill the basic requirements. I don't have the funds and you know what. I guess I cannot rely too much on them because some is superficial, and some are one sided, some are just based on personal views. I need to ask her.
I simply cannot believe I am doing such things because I always have trust in being natural and things like that. It seems that this cannot continue unless I want to fail in relationships.
I hope she doesn't think that this is obsession or anything got to do with some other weird problems. It is my form of devotion towards improving myself and getting the confidence to say something to her.
After all this, I hope someone truly experienced can give me advice on how to handle these problems I have now. Those who want to tell me to know other girls, please spare me from that. I'm not really interested. If I'm so desperate I wouldn't have come to an all-boys school. ( I had a choice)
"Let time tell?" ( If we are still young, why not. She's going back to Melbourne and the distance and time will drive a further wedge between us)
"You're still young, hormones are raging" ( I mean it's like DUH, hormones makes up the person you are! But my mind can still make sense of everything I do, and once I commit, I won't go for a second girl because I'm faithful and never going to let those who give me a chance, especially she, if she ever agrees, down. I'm serious.)
In advance, thanks a lot for reading. I just let out some steam from sharing. Hope you guys would reciprocate.
The stories (2)
1.) I was doing comprehension exercises today. As usual, I always try to look up and catch a glimpse of her before returning to my work. Today, somehow, after a few times, I looked up and immediately caught her gaze. I knew I didn't want to maintain eye contact (like usual) but I had no choice because it was too fast for me to react appropriately and before I knew it, she tilted her head slightly and smiled at me. I gave a smile that didn't look like a smile and like a "knee-jerk" reaction, sent my head back to the position I thought it should be in.
2.) Ha! Today was the most historical day ever in SJI for its' past 155 years in the education line. Ok, so I pleaded with my brother to use his Credit Card to order flowers from Far East Flora online. The bouquet was really nice and it cost me around $95. Some people said I was crazy, and thus elicited derision about me going so crazy over a random gal. I just shrugged it off, because I don't really care how much it costs even if I was broke or a beggar, I would do anything to bring a smile to her day. I wanted to add a smack to her last day in school, after suffering so much injustices and mockery from some retarded people.
Ok so I've got the bouquet and I brought it to school. I wanted to give it after recess when I would pass by the class where she'll be teaching in. It seems that there's this one guy (to cut the long story short- lusting over her; the details shall be kept confidential) told my classmate and threatened to punch me if I ever do as planned. I didn't really care, but I realized he would attempt something stupid and thus had hesitations. Some ruggers from the team knew about it and gave me their full backing and support(Matt, Gabriel, George, Kevan, Liangxun) , including my good friend, Zachary ( not a rugger but a critical member in Mafia-SJI otherwise known as MSJI) They were there for me and I appreciated it a lot, and complementing that feeling, touched as well.
George told me that she'll be teaching his class Literature as the last period of his timetable and hers as well. I immediately agreed to give her after my class which happens so nicely, (ends at 1.20pm). But deep inside, I know she'll be tired from the whole day's teaching and probably the sweet bouquet would bring her a smile on her face. Initially, I honestly never expect her to accept it because after all, she might have a sweetheart, or probably turn me down because I'm such a total turn off. Or perhaps, she just didn't like me.
The moment I anticipated arrived. The bell for the last lesson did its job and soon, tons and tons of students flooded the corridor outside my class. Apparently, Andy went around the whole block spreading the news I'm giving flowers to that teacher :D. And furthermore, I was uninformed , or rather, didn't expect her to walk past our corridor and stood by the door, waiting for my gift. It turned out my friends helped me to contact her to do so. I didn't expect it and thus was unprepared. I told one of my classmates to tell her to go to George's class and resume teaching first, while I stall for time to prepare my gift of a life time. By then, the crowd partially dispersed in disappointment.
I hanged around the ledge, because I needed preparations and stuff like that. Mental blockage took its toll on me; I was paralyzed. I told my classmates to wait for me downstairs.
As I left my bag aside, I grasp the bouquet and made my way down. Before I came down the last step, I was shoved to the classroom door and another friend knocked on the door. AND THE CROWD WAS THERE. EVEN THE LOWER SECONDARY STUDENTS SAW ME! I thought only my classmates were there.
And I saw her stood there. Obviously knowing what is happening, she smiled.
Gone. I went crazy after I saw the smile, and the chanting crowd became oblivious to me. Although I didn't really wish for them to be there, ironically, I enjoyed their support but hell, you know I'm shy, I wouldn't dare present that bouquet to her in like, in front of so many people?!. In the end, one of my friends went to gave it in place of me. I felt really turned off at his initiative. But I eventually went back to the position where I was ( I was stoning somewhere else after I saw the smile :p). I stood there, forcing a smile, not knowing what to say, just stammering some unknown words. She said thank you several times and that smile never cease to disappear from her face. In fact, it was getting even more ARGH! Worst still, the crowd was chanting " hug hug hug" and I somehow walked forward?! I thought I saw her move forward a bit ( which was confirmed by those as the scene) but that couldn't really mean much. I couldn't take it and said, something like no problem or bye or whatever! I cannot recall but I remembered "running" away from there.
Demoralized like never before, I hated myself. And my friends weren't supportive. Except for one or two. I knew I shouldn't have hugged her. I mean, you should know why too.
I went back and waited outside the class around 3 minutes before the bell would ring.
I saw the students flow out and I sat on the ledge, not knowing what to do.
She came out, and noticed me. I could tell she looked rather surprised.
Not wanting to stand there like an idiot once again, I forced myself to initiate a conversation with her. I said " Sorry for just now, cause I was really too shy" I should have told her I was feeling just as embarrassed like just now as I am now. So I began to say a few sentences to her, before we end off saying "bye". Although it was brief, I never regretted what I've done to salvage the situation.
I heard from George today that she smelled the flowers and say it was nice when she walked back into the classroom. He added that he was whispering to another guy about the price and she somehow heard it, and appeared to feel bad about it. This is the reason why I don't want to let her know about the price. (oh ya! I inserted a small card into the bouquet. I wonder if she has seen it.)
1.) I'm not flaunting. I'm not rich. I'm just doing it because the bouquet looked real appealing to me.
2.) It would give her a chance to reject it, or think that I'm using $ to win something from her?
Anyway, I did an online MSN off line messaging to her and said how sorry I was for today's incident. I added a Happy Valentine's Day and asked if she liked the flowers.
Today, I got the reply.
"Thanks leaps :) I like the flowers and have put them in a vase and they look gorgeous."
"Good luck in your studies"
Faith is restored.