A New Perspective On How Guys Can Be Too Nice

celestialdaeva
Have you ever been told by a girl that you are “too nice”? Did you shake your head in confusion wondering how that was even a problem or how they would prefer you to act? Most guys seem to react this way when told they are too nice. You’ll frequently hear them venting, taking things to the extreme. “Does she WANT a man who is going to beat her or something?!”

A lot of the time, the girls who say someone is too nice aren’t even sure what they are looking for in the alternative. It’s taken me many years to realize that not all women are as logical or analytical as I tend to be. I very rarely feel something without sitting down and figuring out WHY I feel that way. The more traditionally emotional people frequently don’t question what they are feeling, which means they don’t always know why they are feeling it.

Most people assume that the opposite of being nice is being a total jerk; and that the opposite of the nice guy is either the abuser or the player. It’s no wonder people are confused when girls say a guy is too nice. But here’s what I’ve learned, from analyzing my own experiences and those of anyone who would tell me about theirs: When it comes to dating, when a girl says you’re being too nice, it isn’t because you aren’t being enough of a jerk – it’s because you aren’t be sexual enough. And, this has little to do with actually having sex (or not).

nice guys
I coined the term “appropriately inappropriate” when discussing this with my friends. So far, every woman I’ve spoken with has agreed with my theory. I’m sure there are exceptions, but I feel comfortable saying this is probably true for the majority of women.

To keep our interest and not get friend zoned or be seen as being “too nice”, you have to be appropriately inappropriate with us. Now – what the crap does that mean? It’s doing or saying “inappropriate” things that are appropriate for where you’re at in your relationship. Example: Smacking your girlfriend’s butt as you walk by in the kitchen. It’s an “inappropriate” act that, if appropriate for your relationship, will actually make her feel closer to you and more attracted to you.

The level of inappropriateness appropriate for your relationship will increase as you get closer. If you walked by a girl you’ve talked to twice for like 30 seconds and smacked her on the butt, it would *probably* not be appropriate for your relationship and it would *probably* not make her feel closer or more attracted to you. She might scream. And not in a good way.

I’m sure there are some women out there with some unresolved issues who really can’t handle men actually being nice to them. But most healthy women do actually want a genuinely nice guy. But if the genuinely nice guy is just “appropriate” all the time, women can start to feel less attracted to him.

Fact: We LIKE knowing that you’re attracted to us. We LIKE knowing that you’re turned on by us. Really shy women may stop there. Less shy women are going to LIKE when you whisper dirty little nothings into her ear when she doesn’t expect it and then continue what you were doing like nothing just happened.
"You have to be appropriately inappropriate with us"
So, how do you get to that point? You can’t just go from all-appropriate-all-the-time to whispering vulgar fantasies in her ear. She’ll freak out. You have to work your way into it. Start small and constantly be reassessing her boundaries. One of the smallest “inappropriate” things you can say to start easing your way into this and to see how much she is comfortable with is simply acknowledging an inappropriate thought.

Imagine you call up the girl you are seeing and ask her what she’s up to. She tells you she just got out of the shower and is about to go to the store. The all-appropriate response is to completely blow by the shower comment and go straight to talking about the store and asking what she’s going to buy. The mildly-inappropriate response would be something like “Just got out of the shower, huh?” with mischief in your tone. The moderately-inappropriate response would follow that up with directly asking if she’s naked. The seriously-inappropriate response would go into some more graphic details. But for you beginners, the only-barely-inappropriate response would be to pause for a few seconds, give a small laugh, and say “sorry, inappropriate thoughts jumped into my mind when you said that.”

friend zone
If she acts uncomfortable with that, she’s not into it. Don’t go any further. Move directly into the rest of your conversation. If she laughs like that’s funny, possibly even like she might be blushing a bit but doesn’t seem offended or uncomfortable, she’s into it. Make a mental note to do this again in the future - but for now, continue on with rest of your conversation. If she responds with an equally mischievous “Oh yeah? What kind of inappropriate thoughts?” then it’s game on. Say as much as either of you are comfortable with.

I don’t think many of the “too nice” guys out there are lacking in dirty thoughts. I think most of them just believe verbalizing those thoughts is disrespectful. Objectifying women and subjecting them to sexually charged language that is unwanted IS disrespectful. And it’s harassment. That is inappropriately inappropriate behavior and language. If something is appropriately inappropriate, nobody feels violated or uncomfortable. Anything you say or do that is within her comfort zone and her personal boundaries is NOT disrespectful of her.

So please, guys, before you go around assuming all these women who have said you are “too nice” are closet masochists that actually want men which will treat them badly, make sure they aren’t just closet perverts first. ;)
A New Perspective On How Guys Can Be Too Nice
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