At what point should a guy stop pursuing a girl?

[kriskiss]

I like the chase to some degree, but I am really into this girl and am crazy about her, but not in a psycho stalker way. anyway it doesn't seem to be working at all. she just moves further away--I just love always being around her and worship the ground she walks on. I know a woman who married a guy cause he pursued her for a very long time. she said never underestimate the power of persistence...women love it.

So I think I am gonna give up on her...things are not working, but I have conflicting attitude. So opinions please. how can I get her

[Tigerlily]

It really depends on the girl and the level of your persistence. Some girls love to be chased and some don't. Even with a girl who does love to be chased, you have to be the RIGHT guy for HER. For example, I love being chased. Yeah it's 2009 but whatever, I still like guys to make the moves on me and for me to just accept or refuse. If I think about an amazing guy, then yeah, I'd love it if he 'loved always being around me' and 'worshipped the ground I walked on,' wanted to call me all the time, really chased me, etc. Would be great to be held in such esteem but such a great guy I was really into as well! In this case, if he backs off, I'd probably get back to him and see what was going on. Like I said, I don't chase, but I'd see if I could figure out if he'd stopped liking me or was just taking a break from chasing me or something.

But if it's just some guy who I don't think things could really work with for one reason or another, he could do the exact same things but I'd get creeped out, because I just don't wanna be that close to him. Maybe I just see him as a friend, maybe I don't like him at all. But if I don't really like him, then I'm not gonna accept his advances. If this guy was to back off, I wouldn't do anything about it - I'd be too busy enjoying my freedom from him.

Maybe it's someone kinda in the middle, who I think maybe it could work with someday, but I don't really know him well enough yet, and so I think his chasing is a bit premature. I'm not totally freaked out by him but I just wanna move a bit slower than he is, and that's a turnoff. So if he backed off, I'd enjoy the freedom for a bit, but then I'd still want to get back to him. Or maybe I don't even get back to him, maybe he gets back to me but after I've had some space and in a much less heavy way. Then if you go a little slower, maybe I'd fall for him and love for him to think so highly of me later on.

It's hard to tell when I don't know you or this girl, but you can probably get a good idea if you stop chasing her. Not only would it do you good to get your mind off her and do some things for yourself, but also you get to see what she does next. I have a rule of 3 for anything I'm not sure about... so in this case, maybe give it 3 or 4 days before you next get back to her. Maybe she'll get back to you first, in which case, maybe you're the 1st guy and she's just playing games with you. Consider here that yes she really likes you, but you want to chase her and she's not going to let you, meaning you always have to hold back. Which will get boring after a while. Or perhaps you're the 3rd guy and she just wants to take it slow, in which case you get to see how it goes and maybe later when you know each other better you get to shower her with affection again.

Of course, you might be the 2nd guy, the one she's just not really feeling. That sucks, but it happens to all of us, and that's where you gotta move on and find a girl who'll appreciate it. Good luck!

[kriskiss]

Ya

[agniagni]

Why don't you just tell him which of the three he is? It doesn't have to be a huge old mystery. Communication is easy. I keep letting this girl know that I'll back off if she asks me to stop texting, etc. She won't ask me to stop... and won't respond. You can't tell if she's waiting to be pursued, ignoring, or just lapping up the attention. Just communicate. That's how men built civilization: with yes, no, and maybe. Men really have problems communicating? Men? Really?

[rdabby]

Actually to me, no matter how hot the guy is, no matter how lovely his personality is, no matter how charming and wonderfull he could be... when he chases me around way too much, its kinda a turn off to me.

If you really like her that much, try to do whatever you do for a short while, untill you back off to see what's gunna happen, will she misses you? will she wonder why the hell isn't he calling me? or whatever...?

This always works... you just put yourself out there, tell her how much you like her, if she doesn't respond, back off... if she likes back but didn't wanna tell you , she will come around , believe me!

If she never comes back and try to conact you, that's when you have to let go and not chase her around anymore...

Otherwise, if you keep doing that.. she'll think you re just desperate and get turned off and you would come out as a stalker! No body wants a stalker...

Just do whatever you do now for a while, then back off and watch!

[kriskiss]

Ok thanks that was a really good comment that made a lot of sense. I already did what you said awhile ago and have backed off for a few months. but ill add you as a friend so if I have other ?s you can help me out. ok thanks

[rdabby]

Thats great =)

[agniagni]

Yeah. It's dumb that we have to do this because y'all just end up mad at us later for it, but in this fallen world, that's probably the best advice. Just expect her, after 10'years of marriage or something, to start wondering why you didn't love her enough to "win" her. That's when you'll find out how great this tactic really works.

[CuddlyCarla]

If she's moving that much further away the more you try, it's obviously not going to happen. You are probably coming off too strong and it's turning her off. Girls like chase to a certain point, but it can be creepy when it's overdone (and just because you don't see it as reaching that level doesn't mean she doesn't). Kudos to you for expressing your affection, but if she isn't receptive, it's time for you to take the hint and move on to someone worthy of your time. Next time, don't push so hard, it can also look desperate, which can be unattractive. Be yourself and express interest, but in a paced out relaxed way.

[agniagni]

Hint? Just say it. What's the deal with y'all?

[ChronoCliff]

A very good question, and kind of what I've run into myself recently (you can look at my profile -> questions if you want to see my story). Reading this actually helped me, maybe I should be a little more persistent after I've backed off for another week or two. I've been backing off for about two weeks now, and it has seemed to have been noticed. Try again in a bit and who knows! So yeah, thanks for asking this!

You've already got some great answers from others, and I'll add this: Persistence has its place. Just tonight I heard a story of my great-grandpa who persisted after a girl so much she moved to Chicago (partially) to get away from him! He moved there also, (partially) to follow her, and kept being persistent. That lady FINALLY became his wife and my great-grandma. Now that was definitely a different time, but even Pres. Obama had to keep asking the First Lady out before she accepted.

[Urbanredneck]

Give her space and breathing room. Have a life without her. Be fun and not too serious. Tease her and make her laugh when you do talk. See if she will go out with you and some friends and be the fun guy. Her friends will be telling her, hey that guy is hilarious and interesting. I call it "Running for Office." You want to be the chosen one so meet people, tell jokes, stories, and make them laugh. Never meet a stranger. When around her, start talking to total strangers and get them laughing. I recently made the mistake of being too serious and the girl I like backed way off. I just backed off as well, and got busy with other people and she started coming around again. She made a bet with me the other day and lost, so now she owes me lunch.

[Funkster76]

Stop chasing her and be direct - ask her out and tell her your not into games - Some girls I knew would lead my freinds into all sorts of games and make them jump through hoops then went out with someone else - it may hurt but it will hurt more later if you keep doing what you are doing - she is obviously the one who is going to be the loser if you stop chasing her - you might even want to play the game back - stop chasing her and let her know she isn't worth the effort anymore she may start to chase you?

[kriskiss]

Thansk that certainly makes sense

[agniagni]

It makes sense, but it's so stupid.

[agniagni]

Yeah. Let her know she's not worth the effort. Because beginning a relationship that way is a GREAT idea.

How about letting her know you've been thinking about her, hope she's doing well, and that you've been getting your life together in certain ways (job, fitness, goals). Friends don't let friends think they're worthless and not worth the effort.

[Anonymous]

Um I don't know my dad asked my mom out the first time he saw her and she said no, the next time he asked she gave him a fake phone number...they ended up married for 19 years and he said he was persistent. I will ask him for more details though but I think in that case, she was giving him the runaround because he had a reputation for being a player and she didn't really know him

Buuut if the girl seems like she is really irritated by you, bothered or angry just stop. I've had guys be persistent to me and I ended up having to get really rude and nasty for them to get the picture. If someone doesn't like you being persistent is basically like being a stalker. There has to be a sense of reciprocity if you don't get that then move on to other choices

[kriskiss]

Ya

[agniagni]

Sounds like the best way to end stalking is to speak clearly. A "sense" of reciprocity? What's that? Just speak your mind early and truthfully. Like friends do. A "sense?"

[Anonymous]

does she respond to you?/did she ever respond to you in a way that would suggest she's interested in a relationship with you?

I enjoy a chase because it makes you feel wanted, but I don't lead him on to believe I'm not interested in him at all or anything that would have him question whether to continue pursuing me.

It could be that she's a flirt but actually not interested in a relationship / not ready for a relationship.

If it were me, and I was questioning whether someone wanted to be with me this early on, I would give up and just do my own thing..

[kriskiss]

Ya

[agniagni]

How about doing your own thing and checking back later? So you don't convince her she was right to ignore your playah a** in the first place. At least a friendly check in.

[Anonymous]

everything depends on the depth of your relationship with her.

if sh is not interested in talking with you... if she doesn't give you chances, any chances at all

if the girl seems to be interested in another guy, then maybe you'd try to stop chasing her

and if the other way round things are going, and you can feel there is still a way or another to get her.

i believe every guy can get the girl he wants to love him if he knew the key for her personality and adjusted it to hers, but how !... I don't know

[kriskiss]

Ya

[agniagni]

How? She would stop pretending she's some mysterious force of nature too complicated for us mere men to handle and just say what she likes. You're either into it or not. Seems pretty simple.

[Anonymous]

Girls do like being shown interest.. they like attention, but only if they like you back! IF THEY LIKE YOU BACK THEY FELT ON TOP OF THE WORLD, BUT IF THEY AREN'T INTO YOU IT IRRITATES THEM AND AMKES THEM FEEL SICK ... PLAY it balanced, show interest, but if she doesn't catch the bait she's not into you man, a girl doent let go of a guy she really likes, she dosnt want him to go to any other girl. Seems like she is not redy 4 a serious rship, plus is into other guys and has other options.

Id say move on, if she's not digging the great guy you are you deserve a chick that will love your attention! Spend your energy on someone who gives it back to you :) !

This is from a girl that has enough of my own experience to know - show your coolness to someone who accepts it and makes you smile, not chase non stop and worry.

[Anonymous]

You shouldnt let a woman know that you whorship her like that. I'm in the same stuation I love this girl to death! I could even see myself having kids with this girl. Its scary because if she rejects me I wil be upset. The thing is I have held off e-mailing her or whatever so often and I haven't gotten all mushy and told her my feelings yet. So far its held up but I'm getting to the point now where I'm trying to tell her that I'm tired of chasing her because she is just stringing me along rightnow and I'm trying t figure out why. Until I get that answere I am flurting with other girls picking a new target to chase.

[MissSmiles]

Question for you, you really like her heaps but havnt told her, you said you don't email/show her all he time cos your scared of rejection & getting hurt, well I have a guy I like we email regulay, he shares his life with me, we have many things in common and I know he senses a connection, I have more in common than most girls, he said he'd love me to visit when I move to his state cos he lives interstate, but hasn't asked for my number yet and once took a wk to reply to a email cos was away work

[vmw2008]

I would have to agree. My dad begged my mom for a year to go out with him. Finally one day she accepted. They dated a few months, but then school started up and she dumped him again. Saying she needed to focus on college. But he kept trying to take her out every couple weeks while she was in school until finally she fell in love with him. Got engaged 8 months later. Married for 25 years. Guys really don't understand the power of persistence lol it makes us feel like the fairytale is real.

[JustDance]

Hmmmm very interesting lol

[kriskiss]

Ya

[agniagni]

Yep. Every romantic comedy is a persistence story. They're not male fantasies.

[Reeses-pieces777]

it's hard to say because sometimes things hapen and it prevents 2 people from being together such as moving away to another city or even country. yeah but if she's married, well, it's kinda hard to pursue when she's already taken. I'm sure there are plenty of other women who are more suitable to you

[kriskiss]

Ya

[berlinium]

Ugh... Just make sure she is game for the chase. If she really isn't interested, you will come off as a persistent puppy dog. Sorry, that's just how it is. If she shows signs of attraction to you, then go for it. But we don't necessarily love persistence! Sometimes it is aggravating!

[kriskiss]

Ya

[justchillinm8]

you keep saying ya are u a fucking fgt?

[tangiblestar]

i have been in her position before so if she's not showing ANY signs of interest I think it would be best to try to move on. easier said than done, I know. but you deserve someone that wants you back. at least give it a rest for a bit, I know it's weird but if you stop talking to her she'll mostl likely be like "...what's going on?" lol we can only pursue what runs away from us right? it works both ways. good luck :)

[agniagni]

Yay! That advice is how I ended up married and divorced. Eventually, she'll figure out the game you played and resent it. My approach right now is, "I'm gonna keep showing interest until you explicitly ask me to stop." Because I think that, given the chance, women are perfectly capable of giving a straight answer.

[ryans]

whoa maybe a little info on the girl. do you tall to her, asked her out? don't persue. since there isn't enought info in your discription, ill can't really give an answer. try not persueing her and give her time to notice you've stoped. if she doesn't then move it along.

[xbluexeyedxangelx]

Well as your figuring out there is a point and a time when you got to just give up. Have you talked to this girl that you like her. I think you both should talk about how you feel and then go from there. Maybe lay off a little bit cause I personally don't think that all women love persistence.. Like they do but not so much its overbearing. Just talk to her and go from there is what I would say. Hope this helps!

[motocat]

Before giving up -- make a last attempt to know for sure you are not blowing something. Make her a romantic dinner, make sure to include some wine to try and loosen things up. Go in for the kiss. If rejected, oh well. At least you know you tried and that it was never to be.

[girlsguys88]

she said never underestimate the power of persistence...women love it.

->No. it's PATHETIC. ihate persistent guys, they are usually ugly, not a real man, inferior socially, just suck. can't stand em

[kriskiss]

Ya

[agniagni]

42 and single, saying how terrible persistent guys are. Nice. Once you get over the bad boy phase (at 42!), reply here and maybe we'll hook up. Until then, good luck with your "real men" who show you they don't have the nuts to follow through on their commitment from day 1. 42 and single, giving advice to men about how to be sure they don't stick around, leaving yiu 42 and single. Love it. The idea that devoted guys are pathetic explains a lot.

[strotter4]

ignore her for a while... make her think... don't necessarily give up on her... but make it fun... completely avoide her for a few days a week whatever... she'll realize you're not there... and if she doesn't then yeah you're wasting your time

[adrianereeder]

Yes Sir..... Ignoring them works so very well.....

[Anonymous]

wow, that's actually happening to me now, unfortunately the guy really isn't my type but seeing that he tries so hard I've been thinking about giving him a chance. So maybe you should keep pursuing her but if there isn't anything mutual, then give up and move on to the next girl...theres plenty of fish in the sea! =)

[Hughman]

You "worship the ground she walks on"? *throws up*

Man up and leave the poor girl be. Maybe she'll come to if she sees you've gone all aloof on her and have other interests. Maybe.

[agniagni]

Yay! Set yourself up for a lifetime of pretending your aloof. A woman who falls for that is questionable. What she really wants to know is how you'll respond when she dumps you. Just keep telling her you care. Find out what she needs. If it's a friend, be her friend. Or you can man up now and show her how strong and aloof she'll be at your emotional execution in 15 years... if you last that long.

[AtomizerJr]

When she doesn't reciprocate your attention or effort is a good time to stop wasting your time.

I'd rather be with someone who _wants_ to be with me, and who isn't difficult.

[dncrlisa]

stop the games and all that jazz.

have you asked her out? if not just ask her on a date if she says no then move on... she's obviously is leading you on cus she might know you like her a lot and is playing you.

[Lilteddie704]

I've had this happen to me twice.

Once I couldn't stand the guy and had given several signals to back off. The second time, I mistook his flirting for just being a "nice guy"... and by the time I realised it he moved on. I would look for signals she is sending you. If they are mixed signals... try asking her in a semi-joking way if she likes you. If she doesn't seem totally turned off to the idea... tell her you were being serious.

Good LUCK

[kriskiss]

Ya

[agniagni]

Signals? Wow. How about words? Nothing wrong with those. I'm pursuing these days because I've learned that women who do the pursuing when you back off are just going to leave you. No need for games. We have language. Words, ladies. Just use your words. If you're not sure, just say you're not sure and say what you need (in terms of time and behavior) in order to be sure. A guy's either game to give you what you need or not. Seems pretty simple to me. Just be direct and not cagey. Look at how these guys are suffering from your role as the "better communicators." Have compassion. Know yourself. And use your words. It'll help you come off as not scheming all the time. I know... I know. You are scheming and weighing your options. But at least be honest about that, too.