Why are girls drawn to you when you show lukewarm interest in them?

Question

It seems that if you show a girl that you don't care much about her, and you barely communicate with her when she is not around, calling very seldom, and essentially showing her she is into that important to your life, they seem to want you more.  If you say something upfront like "Hey, I like you, wanna out on a date?", they seem to have an immediate turnoff switch.  Do they do this because of hormonal reasons, chemical reasons, cultural reasons, working against stereotype of some sort, some logical reason?  If a girl denies this, is it non-the-less true, and just being denied because nobody likes having someone show them a mirror of themselves.  Essentially girls seem to like gray areas, and abhor black and white statements like "I like you..."  Seems like some build-up and romantic tension always needs to be an element.. Now this seems probably an ideal for lets say a "chick flick", but can that sort of thing always be applied and executed in real life?  Is this sort of tall order of constant gray area tension building going to be to the eternal detriment of most average guys who are more logic driven, and don't know how to present things in such a romantic tension build-up sort of way that many girls now expect?

TexGal · Accepted Answer

You've actually hit the nail on the head. People want what they can't have and what they can't have becomes more precious to them when they have to work for it over some small period of time. Similarly, the romanic tension you mentioned is the product of two people liking each other and non-verbally communicating that interest. Those situations usually work out well. :) It's the unexpected blind-siding from guys that a girl hasn't paid any attention to (or very little unintentional attention to) that surprise her and she goes with her gut instinct when forced to answer so quickly: No. What she's really saying is "I don't consciously know if I like you, I haven't had the time to think about it nor have you previously given me a reason to consider it but since you want an answer right now, it's NO."

A girl may be able to see you for the first time and quickly know whether she likes you or not but MOST of the time when you're in an environment that's flooded with the opposite sex (high school & college), attraction sneaks up on you. A guy you weren't paying much attention to before will do some small thing that makes you notice. Maybe he smiles and is polite to the girl in the wheelchair in your college history class. Maybe a girl overhears him saying something sweet or he reveals his feelings a bit. Maybe you happen to accidentally lock eyes and she notices how bright and clear or how warm, deep and spakling they are. Anything can make a girl notice you - it's all so random and different for each individual. You can't control much of this but there are some things you can control.

I read a book by Tracey Cox called SuperFlirt. I LOVE it and I sooooo highly recommend it to anyone, especially those that are single. I reference back to it all the time to understand people in general and I've loaned it out a ton. TRULY is worth the under $20 cover price. It's acually a book about reading body language but it specifically has a section that breaks down the "Does he/she like me" body language into points and "clusters" you can look for.

To create the romantic tension you need to grab and hold her attention, you're going to have to use non-verbal communication. Start with staring and LET HER CATCH YOU LOOKING. I can't tell you how many times a guy's obvious gaze is what first made me notice him. From there, add some smiles across the room. Girls LOVE guys that are being sweet and cute! Try to talk to her in person. Keep up the gazing & eye-tag game (I know, it's so hard to stare at the object of your affection!) Once you seem to have her interest and you can FEEL that tension (hint: she'll usually begin to act just a tiny bit shy/different/funny when she feels it too) THEN you can be forward and verbal. It will be appropriate at that point to ask for a date because she's been giving you positive signals.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Not true - I LOVE black and white! The orld is sooooooooooooo mysterious and complex... I do not want the person I want to be near to be confusing as well. relationships are supposed ot be supportive and help you figure out the mystery of the world.. help you put the pieces of the puzzle together - not BE THE PUZZLE... I am so completely serious. It makes me want to throw up! The way people actually think it is advice to tell someone to waist there time and someone elses just to make that person believe that they do not like them so that they will feel comfortable to say hi.

maybe , if everyone just got used to accepting that people can like eac other and still find mystery and intrigue then we could stop playing obnoxious games{ I did not say GAMES because I think games are great , they help your memory ad keep alzheimers at bay. However when the point of the game is to lie to others and yourself, then its got to go. Some day you wake up and you don't know what your talking about yourself.

Don't you think with things like war and poverty and disease and oppresion etc. There are not enough problems in the world that we should not have to resort to tricking those we care about for attention? I think it is shameful.. What would you say to some young person who could barely make enough to feed themselves and had to work like three jobs, and they find someone special- oh be sure to spend your extra ten min a day to lie and play aloof make sure this is a keeper{ These rules cannot be laws of nature if they only apply to the affluent.. This is supposed to be mans natural urge to rome, but people who don't have time need not apply to the theory}. I mean don't you think if you have to start a relationship that way , then you cannot expect much more in the future... Sorry I just waisted too much time on that stuff and I find it is so demeaning and below any human. Everyone gets degraded and it becomes familiar to treat problems with problems instead of looking to questions and solutions...

Our culture is totally based on what happens higher up. So I guess if the people of a country feel like they should play games against each other the maybe there is something wrong at the root... I know not everyone tries to hurt people but intention does not mean result.

CuddlyCarla · Accepted Answer

I think you are experiencing a misconception. Girls WANT to be cared about. They want to be communicated with well. If you are finding a woman who doesn't want that, then you are clearly picking unhealthy choices. How you go about showing interest does mean something, though, so perhaps it's something in your approach. I dated a new guy. He wanted to go on four dates the very first week we met. He was calling, texting, e-mailing constantly. When you make yourself too available, it can be a big turn-off, because it suggests you don't have a healthy social life apart from her. Women don't want to be ignored in the least, but they don't want to be stalked either. There's something to be said for patience and the power of anticipation. Too much too soon can be incredibly overbearing and needy. Women like men with confidence, and healthy men not only have this but they also have natural healthy outlets like friends and packed social calendars. A woman wants to feel special by being around a man that wants to be with her, but if she's healthy and also wants what's best for him, she's going to want him to have his own world as well. Build-up is absolutely important, because it builds up mystery and an anticipation to see someone and make quality time. If someone sees you too often too soon, it suggests more of an obsessive personality or desperation, and no one wants to be with someone that isn't stable and together. There's no rush, the world isn't ending tomorrow. If you really like someone, take your time to actually get to know them but also express interest so they know you seem them as a romantic possibility.

MystiKaL · Accepted Answer

Women are curious creatures and its curiosity that drives them crazy. A guy can be a gentleman, talk to a woman, be everything a woman describes they want from a guy but eventually the lady gets bored. Its too easy for them. On the plate. They like a challenge..You catch my drift...

Now if a guy is slightly complicated women will tell you that's not the sort of guy they want. But subconciencely it bugs them why the guy ain't showing them attention anymore, why they never got a text back. why they never got an email back, etc...Its cos the guy ain't easily on the plate but something that challenges the intelligent, but often complicated female mind. Therefore thinking about the guy a lot can lead to a form of attraction.

Trust me this is from years of observing (and definately experiencing) female behaviour! :)

DrJones · Accepted Answer

I've definitely seen this pattern: girl flirts with me, I ask her out, she disappears, I ignore her, then she gets interested once I'm apparently uninterested. This mainly happens with younger girls who have never had a job, family, or serious relationship.

My answer, then: it's simple immaturity. Check the ages of the people who answered:

- All but one* of the girls who said "being direct is no fun" are under 21.

- The older women (and a few of the under-21s) said they prefer guys who are upfront.

Think this is a coincidence? Discuss!

* Fawndango's answer is arguably an in-between compromise answer.

Tigerlily · Answer

I guess you don't really need me to state this but you know, it's not all of us. Personally if a guy wants something from me I'd rather he just man up and ask me. I'm a very straightforward 'black-and-white' person most of the time, and I'm drawn to other people who act the same way.

But think about it this way:

Scenario 1) you've known her a short while and you want to ask her out. You're being really straightforward so you go ahead and ask. But she hasn't had the time to become attracted to you so she says no.

Scenario 2) you've known her a short while and you want to ask her out. You're thinking about this gray area that girls seem to like so you wait it out for a while. During this time she gets more and more attracted to you. Why? Because somewhat subconsciously, when you're with her, you show her that you do like her, making her sort of attracted to you. Then the time apart gives her space to miss you and kind of want you around again. So when you do call, it's that much better.

Sucks really. It just depends on what girl you're talking to. But I think it all comes down to giving people enough time to actually get attracted to you if they're going to, and THEN going for gold.

Anonymous · Answer

I'm a girl and I'd prefer starght forward open communication and being tol they like me from day one. That way I can tell them if I like thm back or not and saves everyone time and saves emotional pain 4 all.

Personally I hate grey areas the whole do you like me, are we dating, why hasn't he rung me stages...

A girl that TRULY LIKES YOU won't be turned off by you telling her right away, only the ones that are playing games, aren't ready for serious, are dating other guys, or aren't into you back.

Yes there are a few sick girs wo play mind games and enjoy backing off even if they like you, but honestly that's a red flag , if sumone plays games from day one don't bother anyway... Stick to the ones who you CAN FEEL COMFY TELLING RIGHT AWAY an get a good response, be true to yourself and say it, the truth will be clear and show who is keen and who is a fake when you do that with every girl you like and will save you a lot of time and effoert, lifes to short fr grey areas and wasting time, I try tell guys as soon as possible that I'm interested, but still let them chase abit first to keep the old fashioned way that guys and thre hormones need.

abra_b · Answer

One thing I've noticed is a lot of straightforward guys are "mustering their confidence" rather than truly having it.  I, for one, am a busy person and might have interest in 2-3 people that I don't know very well.  I have friends, family, work, etc all competing for my time.  Too many guys who aren't actually self-assured will ask you out once and then expect you to completely accomodate their schedules or else feel like you've given a blow to their self esteem.  It's just as hard to deal with this kind of neediness than it is to being blown off.  The "casually" interested guy gives a girl time to think about adding him into her life slowly rather than being all or nothing at once.  (So many "straightforward" guys who aren't really assured do this.  They also read too much into you being busy, when you really are busy).

paintingtherosesred · Answer

Well, I mean, you just met her, right? How do you know you like her if you don't know her? It's probably just the honeymoon stage (your brain is releasing a lot of feel good chemicals like endorphins or dopamine, etc. And this is the period when everything is great, and you never fight!).

If a guy was too forward, I would probably think he's looking for something other than romance. For me, I want to find a relationship that would last even if the honeymoon stage of dating ends so I prefer dating someone I know a little more.

Lily_Marine · Answer

Maybe its because we're taught when younger that when a boy, takes your toy or throws rocks at you and we ask our mom why and she'll say something like, "oh, he likes you!"

I admit, that when a guy I actually liked asked me out, I said no and I wish I would've said yes.

I knew he liked me, I knew I liked him but for some reason I said no. why? who knows.

I really wish that my mom would of told me that boys who were mean to me in grade school, meant they didn't really like me. Now, I know.

Dr.Jones, is right. Well, I think anyways.

I'm under 18 though.

smellylittlecat · Answer

I agree with fawndango because even if a guy is cute... you have to be careful if he is playing you! She has to determine who you are, if you're sincere, if you'd be a good candidate for her family and friends, for herself, etc. there's lots of reasons to not immediately say yes on the dot. My last ex I kept on delaying going out with him when we first hit it. I felt that I needed time to think if I could take this guy seriously, if he really liked me, if there were more options (other guys that would ask me before I could say yes), if he is 'worth' me... etc.

Anonymous · Answer

I think Dr. Jones is right. I'm twenty and I do exactly what you've posted.

BUT

I'd like to add (if it has already been said, then I shall repeat it) that girls in the lower age ranges have to deal with boys in the lower age ranges so a guy who's so upfront as to ask immediately for a date could be construed as someone just looking to get some whereas a guy who hangs out with you first could be construed as someone who wants to get to know you better first (though it seems to usually be the opposite. Additionally, if you straight up ask for a date the girl may not be attracted to you yet. Girls become more attracted to guys overtime.

Also, an immediate ask out can be seen as desperate.

xmonster0 · Answer

couse they only want what they can not have

which is why when you have a gritfriend suddenly opportunities jump out of nowhere

and then they wonder why we cheat!

showing interest , quills theirs and puts you in friend zone

showing that you find them attractive but wouldent go out of your way to get with them

makes them feel insecure and they think, what's wrong with me?, then they want you couse

want what they can't have , couse they feel you are now out of their league and their friends will be jealouse and try to sleep with you

this is how the world works

women are retared but if you do enough acid in highschool you can start to see where they are coming from

Anonymous · Answer

i must say most girls are like that. BUT not all of them

i'll admit that I'm confident and I know I'm pretty. so if a guy shows that he's interested in me and then he stops talking to me I'm gonna wander why he stopped. thus, my self-esteem goes down and he's the one that can make me feel better by talking to me.

when you say straight up "i like you" ur not teasing the girl and I'm sorry to say this but girls that know they are pretty need to be played like that. unless ur super hot..lol point is girls are complicated. deal with it. because guys are too and we have to put up with you too.

fawndango · Answer

When we first meet a guy we can't make up our minds, is he cute, do I like his hair, we look at mannerisms teeth everything is under a microscope.  On the first date or the first time you say hello we are evaluating you.  So if you come on too strong or like us too much it makes us have to make a decision right away and most likely it will be no unless you look like Gabriel Aubry and then its yes immediately.   You being aloof and confident allows us time to process all of the things that we see without all of the pressure. Now the double standard here is the fact that once we have made up our minds and have decided that yes, I think he is cute or I like him, men tend to get comfortable because they have gone through hoops to get us and then they stop making an effort, start relaxing, we start wondering if we are doing something wrong and we are left to do the chasing.  So its an imperfect world and such is life.

Hughman · Answer

Chicks dig guys with options. If you seem to have other interests then yes, as you noticed, they'll go for you.

Being forward in the way you described is stereotypical 'beta' and needy bahaviour. This just kills the attraction - you have no options, and who wants a guy htat no one else wants? You never express your feelings for her unless she does first. If you want a first date, just tell her you're going to a bar/club etc and she's welcome to come along.

ToxicTyler123 · Answer

What I think is - and I'm going to make this real blunt- girls want what they can't have. We say that we don't like drama but that's a lie. Girls love dramatic romances. The kind were the man really has to work for them. We like it when a guy begs us to be with them. We want a guy we can change. We pick up a guy that we know very well has no intrest in us, and pushes them to like us.

I know this really isn't a very good example but, Take twilight (the chick-flick) for instance, Isabella Sawan wants a vampire that wants to, in the beggining, wants to very much kill her. In no way could they be together. That's why she wants to be with him to go against the odds. Do you see where I'm going with this?

If we could have anyone we wanted thered be no fun. We like to dare ourselves. to see exactly what we are capable of. Sorry if I'm being of no help. I hope what I've contributed will be of some use to you. :)

Hippy · Answer

your not communicating when she is not around, how are you with her when she is around, if you show positive signs of flirting when with her she may just think you like her but not enough to want to date her, or is shy herself.  If you don't show any positive signs then it's probably that she just likes you and maybe shy herself.

gbaby87 · Answer

My only thought is that the girl feels scared and confused when you tell them you like them point blank. Because even if they like you back, they will start to question it. They feel overwhelmed so try to find reasons not to you like you and it really doesn't make sense. But when a guy starts backing off, the girl gets insecure thinking that if she is not good enough for this guy, she's not good enough for many guys. So it challenges her to try to bring you back to her. When she has you, she feels more secure. I hope that helps a little bit.

bobblehead · Answer

Who knows with girls.  We are all different. Most area screw loose upstairs.  Somelikethe thrill of the chase but don't actually want to catch someone. Some might not be free.Have personal reasons. Its all very weird. FInd someone who will say yes on that date. Who will want to be wanted

kittenkiss · Answer

I wouldn't say that girls like the gray but instead it makes them uncomfortable. When a guy shows interest but not a lot and the girl is left questioning then she could work to try to figure it out. That work appears as being interested while the other example, the girl does not have to work.

I do not like the whole gray area but I admit that I work harder to try to figure out what is going on in his head. I think the preferable is to be casual but upfront.

gottaluvestrogen · Answer

Yes, girl do like the chase

If you make yourself too available it pushes them away

we like it to stay interesting. its this loose screw in our heads haha

especially when it goes from one extreme to the next

we wonder if we did something wrong

the main reason I believe females act the way they do

is because confrontation is not our main area

most are half as blunt as men, and we gossip

when put in confrontation we are almost taken out of our habitat and we run

so keep playing tug war and see where it gets you

the perfect balance will guarantee her to stay beside you

dinorawr · Answer

well for me, its because if a guy seems distant (nothing hormonal or anything plain simple) then it makes us(girls) think like what is he doing why isn't he calling me? stuff like that it makes us think about you and miss you but if you constantly say stuff like I love you and lets go out together tonight(not that that's a bad thing) then we never get a chance to think about what are you doing right now and wondering type of thing. YOU GOTTA GIVE US GIRLS A CHANCE TO MISS YOU

:]] <3

Standingpretty · Answer

For some reason, I'm attracted to guys who confuse me? Don't ask me why- I don't even know why. I think maybe it's because women asume that what happens before a relationship (flirting stage)  will happen in the relationship. If he's to clingy while flirting he'll be too clingy while dating. Personally, I like clingyness in guys but only IF I like the guy to begin with. Hope that helps!

p3ggy · Answer

simple enough, girls want the upper hand, the more you criticize a girl the more they are drawn to you.if I walk up to a guy and he blows me off it makes me crazy lol. it works, oddly enough lol. but that's just how you gook them, that's not how you KEEP THEM

Why are girls drawn to you when you show lukewarm interest in them?

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