After they break up with a girl?

Why do guys act like they don't care after they break up with a girl? my ex and I broke up about a week ago...he gave me legit reasoning and I won't get into it all but he still really likes me, and said he wanted to be with me again in the future.

for like 4 days afterward all my friends were telling me he didn't really talk at all but didn't want to talk about me, but last night at work he seemed like he was really happy.

but then, he did get a new car yesterday so maybe that's why.

i really don't know what's going on. the other day we decided to be a little more than friends but not together since neither of us want a relationship, but last night I asked him if he wanted to hang out and he was just like "again?" and never ended up calling me like he said he would. I know he likes me, he sat with me for two hours when he broke up telling me how's obvious that liking me isn't the problem, but it's like he's trying to play it cool or act like he just doesn't care.

i know for sure there is no other girls (it's a REALLY small me.) so what's his deal?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Well I sort of have a lot of options when I break up. Sometimes I can even "upgrade" to a girl that was better off than the first with money, popularity, or beauty. Whenever I sense a relationship weakening I will start putting an end to the "he's dating her!" things and slowly strip away the little things or people that pieced us as a relationship. Than when all the pieces are gone and a girl I see might like me I break it off. Usually takes 2-3 days. However in my defense the only time I consider a relationship weakening is when we either spend less than 6 hours together for a week(not counting times she is away or when she is unable to) or we simply just don't seem to connect after 2 weeks of dating.(Very little similar interests or not a single kiss.) I don't put much emphasis in girls I'm with, because there are always lots and lots others that have there own unique qualities. Also don't call me a player, because I don't date girls just to get laid. I date them, because I enjoy the feeling of being in a relationship. Really getting hooked on a single person is just sad... You basically put yourself at there mercy and with all the horrible sh*t girls have done to me that isn't happening.

    • Wow, I feel kind of sorry for you my friend. What a bitter post. Everybody has been hurt, most don't come to the same conclusion as you with closing themselves off from love and never putting their heart out there again. I hope you let these girls you date *know* that you are never going to have love.

What Guys Said 23

  • He is putting up a large, thick vulnerability shield to not show his emotions to either you, or anyone that knows you. Every break up is an emotional rollercoaster for the girl AND the guy. Give him time and space to evaluate and put things in perspective and consideration. And don't have your girlfriends prodding him either! Let him be, be casual with him (I mean don't completely ignore him), and things should smooth out after a while.

    By the way, guys sometimes say "maybe we can get back together someday" just to be nice and so they don't feel as bad. That's 50/50 depending on the person.

    Also, him purchasing a new car is a way to get his mind off of you, make him feel better, and boost his ego. He then might realize that that didn't work too well and start dwelling on you again. There might be a chance that he will start looking for other girls at this time to fill in the void, so be careful with how you want to handle that.

    Good luck!

  • Well, you DID break up...

    Peep this, when I break up with somebody (a bad break up), I simply don't care after wards. I move on very quickly. It can be as quick as 12 minutes for me. After a break up, guys aren't just pleading for mercy anymore from their ex's, they just focus on something else that they are doing.

    Now a lot of times a guy may break up with a girl because he gets bogged down with work, or family. It happened to me. Unlike women, guys are not going to juggle priorities with anything, and only focus on one issue at a time. A guy can break up because he is tired of being in a relationship where their are rules and responsibilities. This typically refers to the person he was in a relationship with.

    I suggest you give him some time to be free for a while. He still cares and likes you a lot, but he wants to work at his own pace. He'll eventually come around.

    Hope that helps somewhat.


  • It's a combination of not wanting to give the impression that he is hurt and a little bit of making himself not care. He considers your relationship done for good; so not only does he want to appear strong and not care; he wants to legitimately not care. It's not that he doesn't have any feelings about the whole situation, he just wants to get rid of them as soon as possible.

  • The reason I act like I don't care when I broke up with a girl is... I don't care. She's dead to me. I don't hate her, I'm not mad at her, she just ceases to exist to me. Unlike girls, guys don't feel a need to keep a relationship or remain friends. An ex girlfriend hanging around or calling you is a liability to any new relationship.

  • Most guys don't play games like this. So, it is unlikely that is the case.

    You both probably had an empty relationship, more for convenience. At some point, he probably found it unsatisfying and moved on. The relationship proably became burdensome.

    Now he feels free and hence happy.

    Nothing is wrong ith you. But, there might have been some comaptibility issues.

  • Look You Have Dated Him Before Am I Right! And He My Think You R Moving Onto Another Guy And That (of couse) Offends Him!

  • He has other plans and you are not in them. He may feel that there is something missing from your relationship and he realizes that it will never work. It may be easier to end it now then it would be to end it later after the relationship has gotten more complicated. Trust me. He doesn't want to hurt you and he is only moving on. It's time for you to move on also.

  • he is hidinh his feelings

    pure and simple

  • It's because dwelling on you hurts so he has to pretend he doesn't care or it will be too painful.

  • 2 things. First, it's not cool for a guy to get dumped. If he says... "she dumped me" he gets laughed at. Second, there doesn't seem to be much hope of things working out between the 2 of you... well, not forever anyway. It's a coping mechanism. It's how guys get over girls. He's convincing himself that things are alright and he's okay without you. Now you're talking about the whole "friends with benefits" stage. This is where he convinces himself that, if you start fooling around again, he has it better than before. It's called rationalization. He doesn't have to invest in a relationship that's doomed to fail but he still gets what he needs when he needs it. He's free to do what he wants, hang out where he wants when he wants, and leave the possibility open for finding love. Don't kid yourself... it's over. He's moving on... and he should.

    • 2 things. First, it's not cool for a guy to get dumped. If he says... "she dumped me" he gets laughed at.

      you think its cool for a girl to get dumped?

  • Seems he just wants the benefits of a relationship without commitment. And of course, you "seem" to want the same thing, but judging by your question, I don't think that's really the case.

  • ill tell you one thing being a guy when me and my girlfriend broke up it destroyed me and I didn't want her to see me like that but if he reallly loved you like I loved her he is a mess trust me even if he doesn't show it I cried every night sometimes still do

  • Because they DON'T care. If they did, there wouldn't have been a breakup.

  • we have what we call the pride.. guys are egocentric.. look. we don't like girls see us weak that is the reason why he is acting cool.. he don't want you to see the real feeling deep inside.. best way is move like what he is doing..

  • This guy wants his freedom and you whenever he wants you,basically he wants to keep your options down to nothing until he figures out his own options. He wants to keep you around just in case he can't find anyone better so he can have it his way and not be alone if no new prospects come by. Let him go,your obviously the one who has to put your foot down and permanently end it because all your doing is playing his game and keeping yourself off the market for any better guys to hit it off with you. Us guys are weird like that so trust me when I say again,he wants you to be his last option and booty call while he looks for anyone better and your gonna get burned in the long run.

  • um... I know he spent hours with you but I still think that he was playing you and only sat down with you for hours for damage control.

    It's not about whether he liked you or not it's about how he sees women: he sees them as hunting game. He snagged you by trying to act interested in you and not your body which was to cover up his true intentions. He is what is called "a dog"

    If it is true that you live in a small town the best way to deal with it is to spread the word about him to all your friends and throughout the town in order to protect your friends and to get revenge on the bastard.

    Seriously, I know you are reacting to this with that kind of shock and fear that what I am saying might be true.

    I am 97% sure as a guy who knows MANY MANY MANY guys from nerds to jocks to country folk to city slickers. What you should do is get a guy who is a little nerdier and has a crush on you or some guy who is not friends with the guy, loyal to you and isn't totally a stranger to him to ask him if he he likes you as a friend and wants to hang out with you again.

    Their are good guys out their but they can be hard to come by especially if you are into certain types of guys. I am a guy. Even if you don't 100% sure if what I am saying is true you can message me the details and we can analyze this together.

    Good luck. In the meantime don't judge how likable you are by what guys who want to get into your pants think judge it by how many friends who are girls think. Even that is not an earnest marker. Trust me this guy would not "like" or fall in love with any girls no matter how "cool", "likable" or whatever they were. Once he has eaten his meat everything left on his table is rotten to him.

  • listen to this if someone don't fight for you then I guess theyr not for real with you.

    why would you make someone a priority in your life when your just an option in their life or maybe less than that.

  • he doesn't really care but he feels bad about it, so he put on a lengthy, poorly thought out facade in an attempt to spare your feelings, which is difficult and draining to do. this makes him sort of a douchebag, but at least he pretended to care, at least in the past. move on and find someone who isn't such a capable liar

  • There is something more going on with him than you realize. Just because he really likes you, does not mean he wants to BE with you, as painful that sounds. It very well could simply be, that he has enlisted, and did not want to have that attachment to home when he was there (I know a lot of people this way). It could also be that he is very busy with work, school, or other activities that he does not with to stop. I have broke up with females before because of my work or school schedule was going to be so hectic, that I was not going to have time to give to them.

    By this same respect, I have tried to juggle my time around, and do my work, school, and relationship stuff, and it has never turned out good for the relationship in the end. After working a 12-16 hour day, studying for 4 hours, I want to either a: go home and goto bed, or b: go to a bar, have a drink and relax. When things like this occur, there is very little time for the relationship, and thus it suffers.

    Yes, you could say "why didn't you spend time doing relationship stuff instead of going to the bar", well it is very simple. Because I needed time for myself. While I know my personal situation is not common, I am simply stating that just because he does not feel like being in a relationship right now is the correct thing to do, it does not mean that he doesn't care or have feelings about you.

  • guys don't like showing emotions that's just how we are trust me I hate showing emotions it like showing weakness

    • im a girl I think the same thing, I think there is a lot of misconception going around about how comfortable girls are being emotional,

  • they don't want to show their emotions gust like you girls do

  • I gotta say for a average man it seems like a sign of weakness to act like we care after something like that me being an average man of course.


What Girls Said 20

  • i have found with my last 2 ex's (1 of who I was with for 3 yrs) when he broke up with me and claimed he still loved me acted the same and like he seemed to be fine within a couple of days of breaking up with me like the last 3 years hadnt even meant anythin to him and then my latest ex he acted like nothing had happend a day later and acted fine aswell! but he obviously wasn't and he also dumped me saying that he still wanted to be with me and he loved me and everythin but he had to be single (for reason I know of and can't blame him because he went through alot) but they always seem to act as if they dnt care and act like they move on quickly I dnt know if its a guy thing (like guys like to act tough and not cry and not get sad at things)

  • For guys its a lot about pride and ego. Would you really expect to see a guy crled up in the fetal postion bawling his eyes out and stuff in front of you. Probably not. Just because he doesn't show that he's upset or bumed or sad doesn't mean that he isnt. There is the possibility that he is dealing with a lot of personal sh*t in his life. You never know what people are going through sometimes. I say just relax, give him a little space, and if he wants to chill he will call.

    But at the same time you cannot just sit there twiddling your thumbs waiting for a phone call. Unless he is going to make the choice to be completely honest with you and tell you what's going on and give you a reason not to move on or at least wait for him, then you have the right to go out and do what you wanna do. That includes dating other people if that's how you feel.

  • In all honesty, just because a guy tells you he likes you still doesn't mean he does. My ex did the same thing to me. We were together for a year and a half and then he went away to spain for a few months and came back a different person. We broke up but he still claimed to have super strong feelings and we were kind of dating still. It confused me for a while but once I realized what he was doing, I ended it all and couldn't be happier with my decision. If he really likes you, then nothing should stand in the way of your relationship. He may still care about you but it doesn't mean he likes you. My honest opinion is that he is just not that into you but doesn't wanna lose you as an option. He is keeping you around in case nothing else comes along and hopes that maybe you two can hook up or something along those lines. Girls, acting like you don't care anymore and are capable of moving on is never a bad thing. If a guy likes you, he will fight for you. Always being there is NOT the best solution unless he is being decent to you. This guy is not. Just let him go and if he comes back after a couple weeks of you "not caring" then he is worth it and is still not over it. But if he goes away and stops trying, then he is so not worth your time

  • They act like they don't care because they probably don't they move on and handle things in a different way to us girls that's why they are guys and we are girls!

  • some guys do this to look like they're heart less, but most of the time they aren't. they're people. and they just want you to forget them I guess and this is the way they do it. one of my ex bf's who did break it off not even in person, it was over the phone-that really hurt and he really didn't care about me but the next time I saw him, he had his head down and he walked away. I think he felt bad so I don't think it's because he doesn't feel bad, it's because he wants you to move on and be happy.

  • its their defense mechanism. they're supposed to be "strong" and bounce right back, hence the reason why rebounds are so popular. they don't want to seem weak (God forbid). Plenty of different reasons (:

  • Funny but my ex had said the same thing... we're not together officially but actually we ARE together (still do the same things we did when we were labeled a couple, etc.) and I have asked him if we are and he said maybe in the future as he won't be ready for his own reasons (which are true but I do believe a person could work things around and still be together with their significant other officially).

    I'm sure he cares. Like all the girls said, men just do that as an ego thing and to not look weak. Men aren't 'allowed' to cry or have 'feelings' unless they are so-called 'emo' I guess would be the best answer for this day and age (age-group).

    If you act like YOU don't care it could drive him away and show him you can easily move on... so that may be a bad option. And if you are always there and he knows you are deeply in love with him and would do anything for him, he can take you for granted, especially since you are his ex and not his current girlfriend, even though he won't have one for a while or whatnot since you said there's no girls. But still, you should probably talk to him about why he is acting this way and if you two are one. Don't bug him out but make it clear you need that answer when you know you guys are ready to talk about it.

    • Hey, me and my x are exactly the way you and your x are. I'm just confuse. Many people have just told me to ignore him and that he would come back to me. And I have done that, and he did come back. But I really like what you said on your 3 paragraph.

    • Why does everyone keep saying that MEN ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SHOW THERE FEELINGS , BECAUSE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE STRONG". Not just that, they are already thought f as BEING STRONG.... I think is much more difficult for woman to become sad or upset because they are not looked at as DEEP and profound. Just poor weak souls who need learn love their degraded selves... Um, woman are not allowed to cry any more then men, and they get DENOUNCED for it ,wether they DO OR NOT! Who LIKES to be sad!

    • Wether or not you happen to be sociologically bound to not crying, its a scientific fact that women physically cry more then men. men are more likely to get watery eyes. I for one couldn't cry at my dads funeral... when I was 12. I actually really wanted to, I just couldn't. weird, huh?

  • I went through a breakup with my boyfriend last year, and I thought the exact same thing. I kept going after him, asking for him back etc. The minute I started minding my own business and took my attention away from him, he was running back to me. You have to think with your head, as hard as it may be. You need to just occupy yourself, and when he see's that you're not missing him, or at least don't show it, you will see that he does care.

  • its a guy...they don't like to act all depressed and down and sad when a break up happens, just let him do his thing and if he really wants to be together in the future than let that moment come...

  • Have you ever heard the phrase "Fake it until you make it"? well, guys take that to heart and will pretend not to like so you and your feelings for you will go away. Guys want you to believe that they don't care so you won't come around and so they won't get attached again. It's a denfense mechanism and he's only trying to surpress you in his memories and push you away so he can be happy. That's how guys are, they just aren't emotional and don't want to deal with their emotions.

  • if you guys are giving each other more space, then it seems he is ready to do that and you are still in old relationship mode. Give it some time you guys just broke up, you need to do your own thing for a bit...and DON"T call when you want!

  • my man did the same thing when he broke up wit me. he got another girls number the day after we broke up I asked him the same thing and he said men try to act like they aren't heartbroken just to act cool or something like that. its stupid really men are just pigs lol

  • Babe...he does care. He just doesn't show it because he doesn't want anyone to think he is weak.

  • he is not telling you everything not lying but keeping it to hisself

  • He wants his cake and eat it too. He wants the perks of knowing someone is there when needed but not the ties of a commitment. Do the same . No matter how much you want to hang out the next time he calls sound like your distracted and give a gracious refusal. Don't be wordy in your explanation why and see if the next offer to hang out isn't sooner.

  • well I think that he just wants to have you when he wants to. like if he doesn't want you now he will break up with you and then a month later he knows you'll still be there so he can come and go as he pleases you just gotta show him you won't wait around

  • This happened to me. He acted so cold, it seemed like I didn't even know him anymore. It helped me to just try and avoid anything with him. I didn't want him to see me sad. I think you are just giving too much of youself to him. The way I thought of it is, if he wanted to hang out with me as a little more than friends then he would probably have that mentality of "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." I would get the feeling that he was using me, so to get away from that whole ordeal I just dropped him all together and gradually started talkin to him when I was ready. Its hard to restrain youreslf especially when you live in a small town, I know. but I guess things are usually easier said than done. Good luck to you!

  • This guy is stringing you along. I am going through a similar situation. Don't give him what he wants. Don't be a "little more than friends" because that's helping his nasty habit. Make yourself scarce. Go about your own business. When he realizes that you're not going to be at his beck and call, he'll come around to the ligher side of things. He is obviously using you as a crutch to move one, and just wants you when he pleases. That's not how it works, and that's not fair to you. My ex told me the same thing about two months ago. He has his reasonings, and he is still in love with me, and we both know it. Now we don't talk (because there's no point) and he is lying about seeing another girl to make me jealous. Do you really want to go through something as dumb? I'm nipping my situation in the butt right now. You should too. If you can't stand to be without him, just take some time away from him and don't talk to him at all. It helps. Believe me. Take a few weeks focus on you, then if you still want him to be a part of your life after that, do it very slowly and carefully. Let him chase you, let him come to you, don't call asking to hang out, let him text YOU! Hope this helps..

    • Hey

      I totally relate to you. My Boyfriend just broke up with me a few months ago--Over the phone. Imagine how hard that was...

      Anyway, we have yet to talk since then, so I'm not sure what his reasons were. don't think I'll ever know But I have learned that there are guys who like to play and then end up scared and running, and there are guys who genuinely just handle situations better. My Boyfriend did an AWFUL job at ending our relationship. I ccant understand why he would want to hurt me so.

  • This is in response to the responses to this post & it is relevant to the question , because of the behavioral implications of male & females.

    To your question though, I would give him some time work on feeling centered yourself without him,so that if you guys get back together you will be that much stronger & invariably have more to offer & receive next time around.. It also allows you to get comfortable with yourself so not seem so traumatic... The good reason for giving him space, is , well an obvious reason looks like he suggested he is in need of some, & this way you know if he does come back it is because he made a decision based on his wants not guilt. or sentimentality which are fleeting... It really has been very slight amount of time , so yo certainly have no cause for extra concern. Aim T not worrying & feeling like nothing makes sense. Right no you guys have time to breathe... That ALWAYS makes sense.

    Good Luck!


    I would really like for someone to EXPLAIN how it is that girls LIKE to show EMOTION... It is everywhere implied & never validated.

    I happen to be a female -- since the day I was born. I not only do not like to show I a upset to others, I do not like to get upset in the first place. Reacting or even feeling very emotional makes me feel out of focus & I think it impairs ability to reason & make logical decisions.

    I understand that it may be difficult for guys because they are expected to not react emotionally, but what about if you are EXPECTED to.

    Woman presumed to be emotional just because they are woman -- as indicated in the comments below.

    There are situations where woman are not expected to be t capable because of emotional instability before there particular personality is eve known.

    In order to be taken seriously woman often have to act less concerned then a guy because even the hint of care will be construed as emotional ... Which is fie if you want to be treated as a walking wind up doll.

    When a guy shares his feelings with calm dignity it is sen as being profound. If a woman does the same it us woman stuff.

    BTW. Whoever said "Guys don't like to show there emotions like woman do" What do you think is being expressed when you get into physical fights?

    Statistically , how many men verses woman are in jail for violent behavior?

    I think some perspective is important & maybe avoids the gender based stereotypes. Feeling out of control is difficult for anyone wether you are male or female. ... NO one likes to feel degraded.& when you actions are dictated by how you feel & not how you logically think you should deal with a situation.

    This site always works best when people talk thru experience instead of unsubstantiated assertions... & if you must make blind statements, at least explain what you actually mean, then we get a glimpse into how we have come to have so many culturally based misconceptions about people & how people think about people that are not them.

  • One word- ego.