A married man has been hitting on me hard for a long time - what does he want in the end?

[Anonymous]

This married man has been hitting me for the past half year in various and changing ways.
He made it clear that he both physically and emotionally finds me very attractive and seems to light up when I'm around. He also gets jealous, nervous, insecure, tries to impress me etc. At first he was just very friendly, but then, said six months ago, he started showing interest in me as a woman also.

Even though we are on good terms I never really reciprocated because he is, obviously, married.
But because this has been going for so long I wonder whether he has some feelings for me?
He acts like a little boy after all and can't seem to leave me alone. Also, his way of approaching me changes continually since I'm not responding that positively I guess.
I have the impression that the longer this goes on, the more nervous he gets.

Recently he mentioned divorce in front of me, which was surprising to hear.

Could he be for real? What is this all about?
I don't want to ask him about it because I feel that if he is so scared, he will bail out and act as if nothing happened.

[Anonymous]

Ahh, the married man conflict. I, too, have been in this position. Do NOT make the same mistake I did. I fell for the man, hard. I waited and waited even through all of his pursuing because he too was speaking of divorce.
He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. He even bought me a promise ring with the words "With All My love, Forever" engraved on the inside. I still have the ring, though I no longer have him. He told me that his wife had left and that she had signed the divorce papers. He even showed me the papers as proof that he and she were no longer an item.
So he invited me over for the weekend. The first night he did end up kissing me, which I returned because like I was told, I believed he was really into the divorce. The second night we ended up getting drunk and we hooked up. Best sex ever, yet worst mistake of my life. He treated me the same for some time afterwards. Said that I was his hero and saved him by opening his eyes to how toxic his marriage was (though I did nothing to push him toward divorce) and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. However, he started getting insecure. Jealous. Six months in, he started going through my lap top and phone to see if I was talking to anyone else. If he saw any guys on my page, he would instantly think I was fucking them too. He took his ring back and used it against me multiple times, just to put it back on my finger when he felt I deserved it. I was trapped into his fucked up world, and sadly enough, he was so manipulative that he had me convinced that I couldn't and didn't want better.
Needless to say, a year and a half in, his divorce still wasn't finalized (although they had court once-twice a week). The minute that the courts deemed the divorce final, he instantly lost himself. He became broken and angry. I found texts on his phone to his ex wife, poetry he had written to her, about how he wanted her back and life was empty without her. He ended up leaving me. Not for her. But for his ex wife's best friend. They are still together, and now have a child together. He moved her into his place three days after he left me.
Don't ever trust a married mans or a married woman's words. They will lie to you to get everything they want. And they are already used to manipulating and acting truthfully because they had to lie to their spouse for years on end.
Don't do it. He's toxic. The relationship will be toxic. He will destroy you.

[Asker]

Thank you for sharing your story and taking the time to give me your heartfelt advice.
It really is a tough situation, I feel torn between hope, love, and distrust. It's better to be on the safe side, I decided so long ago.
Just, from time to time, my thoughts jump around and I wonder whether he could really be in love and all that. But then I remember: if he is, he will let me know, and he will have to convince me damn hard that it is I whom he wants.
With all this knowledge I am not easy to seduce and I'm not gonna make it easy for him, if it really comes down to him proposing his decision or something.

I want to live life like all of this wasn't happening - simply my feelings, my feels get in the way.
But you know, at least I've loved and it's better to leave it at that.
I don't wanna destroy my life, youth and freedom.
It's so hard to distrust someone you have feelings for. But in this case, it's better that way.

[Asker]

I hope your relationship with that man didn't leave you scarred, but wiser and bigger as a person.
You are better off without him anyway. Not everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever.

Again, thanks for sharing, peace!

[Opinion Owner]

Its hard to go with your gut instincts over your hearts love. It was hard for me not to trust him. I mean, afterall, he did give me a ring and he did not lie about the divorce. I still to this day feel as though a part of him did love me as he claimed he did. But I do not believe it was as much or as deep a love as he thought it was. I am actually still friends with this man. I still love him, though I am no longer in love with him. I have moved on and bettered my life. I am now married and have two children of my own and I wouldn't trade on second of my life for a step in the opposite direction. This man taught me how to love. And he also taught me how to respect myself and be respected in return. Although we didn't work out, I still am forever grateful for the life he gave me. No matter how short or fucked up that life was.

[snydes]

It's all a ploy to hook up with you. Just remember he's still with his wife. Still sleeping with his wife. Sounds to me he wants some strange. Maybe he's getting it elsewhere so doesn't matter how long it takes to get you. People want what they can't have. Be interested to see how he acts if you did sleep with him.

[Asker]

Well I won't sleep with a married man. A divorced man, if it comes down to it, is another thing.
So he can try as much as he wants, I won't ever agree on having an affair and I hope/want to believe that he knows me well enough to not expect anything like that from me.

[snydes]

He threw out the divorce thing for 2 reasons. First he's going for sympathy. Second he's hoping you think we'll he's getting divorces so not a big deal if you sleep with him. Divorce can take over 2 years if it's messy.

[Asker]

Yeah I'm done with that guy. I don't care anymore, he's being a pain in the ass. I have better stuff to think about and there are other men in the world who interest me.
If he wants to be complicated he better went and hit up on a different girl.

[Curmudgeon]

His marriage is imploding, and he is looking around. Actually, asking him about it might be a relief to him, someone to confide in and all that.

This all assumes, of course, that you really ARE interested in him. If you are not, break it off, politely but firmly, now.

[Asker]

So that means he is looking around for another relationship?

I am kind of interested, but not in a bed story, I want a real relationship.
Do you think real feelings are involved (I assume so at this point but am unsure because of the fogginess of the situation)?

[Curmudgeon]

It does.

There could very well be real feelings involved on his part, but rest assured he wants to sleep with you. After dealing with a withholding shrew, his ex, for months (years?) I am sure he misses bedroom company.

[Asker]

A relationship involves sex, he's obviously shown me that he finds me sexually attractive and I don't blame him at all. I just hope sex wasn't the primary thing and only factor that attracted him towards me in the beginning.

[HikerDude]

He sounds like a disaster. He's married, and yet he's pining over you like a teenager. I wouldn't touch that situation with a 39-and-a-half-foot pole. I think he's looking for a savior because he feels trapped into a relationship that he doesn't have the stones to end. I'm sure he wants to have you on the side as his own little security blanket.

[Asker]

Yeah the situation is pretty awkward but I've learned to deal with it and not blame him.
He seems to be very unhappy and, since he's busy, also lonely. I guess I feel sorry for him (but I would never do anything stupid because of that).
Do you think he wants to end his marriage with me as a good reason for it or to stay in it and have an affair?
I know that's hard to tell, sorry. :D

[HikerDude]

If he wanted to end his marriage he would have by now. He's another one of these spineless men who is scared to seek out divorce, but instead just skulks around in the shadows cheating with other women.

[Asker]

Ok, so I just need to make it clear to him that there's not even the slightest bit going on between us if he is a married man. I'm not the type to push for divorce, so he has to do it out of his own free will without using me as an excuse, without me being involved.
If he then comes back to me as a free man, I see a chance. This is really the only scenario I can think of that might work. Otherwise, I stay away from it as far as I can.

[HikerDude]

That's right. Never, ever believe a married man who swears he's going to get divorced. It's almost always a lie.

[Asker]

Thank you :)