I never really learned how to socialize?

[Anonymous]

So as stupid as that sounds, it's my situation. I was sort of withdrawn when I was younger. I'm 20 now so I'm still young but it still bothers me that I'm not where I should be. I was withdrawn because I sometimes got nervous around people my age until I just sort of stopped doing it because it was uncomfortable. So how can I start trying to fix this? Every time I make myself try to speak up, I never say anything worthwhile. I realize that a lot of people are afraid of getting embarrassed, but it happens every time to me. Are there any suggestions?

[SomeOtherGuy]

We learn our social skills by hanging out with friends and expanding on that network at a young age. But even before those years we learn everything from our parents or caretakers. If they have failed to teach us how to interact with others properly, then when we're little kids we may be cast out of social groups. This will become a vicious cycle, until it's corrected.

Unfortunately you're twenty, and the greatest years for your learning are dissipating quickly. However you have a long time ahead of you to make the change.

What's going on?

First you gotta recognize that your inability to feel comfortable in most social settings is because you lack the skills to evaluate them, causing you to not understand the environment people around you are creating, and making you anxious because you do not know the outcome of your own actions. This is causing you to feel both uncomfortable and unconfident.

Learn and practice!

You gotta go back and learn what you missed as a child. How to read social cues and facial expressions. If a person's eyes are not on you, their focus is not on you. Start engaging the person with questions either about what you are talking about, or ask them questions where they can even up the conversation.

Example:

(You) So I'm particularly a fan of Huskies, and definitely the larger breeds. I just think they're so much more useful than the smaller breeds, like teacups. They're always yapping and can be tough to housetrain. I mean, they're still a dog, so they're cool, but you know, Huskies just have those cool blue eyes.

(You may notice they're losing attention at this point)

(You) So tell me what do you think of huskies/bigbreeds/little breeds/So what kind of pets do you have?

Also learn to listen. It comes from asking questions after a conversation, making a minor comment about the topic, or repeating something they said that you'd like clarification on. It also requires you make occasional eyecontact. (Note: Don't stare, try briefly breaking eyecontact, but always make sure your making eye contact when you start your response to something they've said or they begin speaking.)

Example:

(Them) I love to play video games.

(You) Really, what kind?/Oh cool, I don't play them much. I do like Madden though.

These are two of the biggest. Finally reading social cues is your next step. For this, you're gonna have to research on the net or in a book, and learn what social cues to watch for, what they mean, how to respond, and when to expect them.

There's some social excercises you can do daily. The more research you do, the more comfortable you might become in social situations, and the more you will be able to practice your skills. It's a slow process that will accelerate the more you do it, so don't give up at first.

If all else fails, speak to a counselor.