Why is it so hard to move on?

I am so emotionally devastated. I've been with this girl for about 3 years. For about the last six months, we have been going through a rough patch. Up until recently, we made things a little better. That is until yesterday. She told me that she does not want to be with me anymore and that she lost all feelings. She said she still loves me but is not in love with me. This wasn't the first time I've heard this from her. I guess I'm having a hard time being in denial. Other times, I thought she might have been just upset because of the little arguments that we have had but this time, I think she means it. I don't know what is wrong with me. I guess she has been thinking about this lately that's why its so easy for her. Other times in the past, when we broke up, I tried so hard to move on but I couldn't. I went out, made new friends and stayed occupied. But she doesn't leave my mind. She text me last night asking if I will be OK. I did not reply to it. In my heart, I know I love her and I truly want to be with her. I don't know if it is another guy or what it might be. I honestly feel like it might be. I guess I am most to blame here because I revolved my world around her. I don't what to do, I'm hurting so much. I felt heart broken at what she said to me last night and she has given me so many chances. I'll admit that I was clingy and I'm sorry I did not put more effort in making myself a better person for her. I always realize things when it is too late.

I try and try to be strong. But it's something about her that is holding me back. I don't think I can ever truly move on and I am not left asking myself why.. I've been with many girls in the past but she is truly different. I really felt she is my soul-mate. I just don't know if I can set her free as much as I'm trying so hard to do. I know it is selfish on me to try to hold on to someone who doesn't want to be with me. She even asked me, "Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?" I don't know how to move on.. I just want to be happy again. I will always love her.

Updates:
Thank you for all the encouraging answers.For a little update: I spent all day at the beach trying to recover and just clear my head. It helped a little being there and just relaxing. On the way home, I get a phone call from her. I couldn't resist..
and I picked up. She asked where I was, I said I was no where. Then she asks what I am doing, I said nothing. Then I quickly replied with I have to go now. I'm sure she can tell I was in the car driving. An hour later she called but I did not pick up..
She then texts me and asked what I was doing. I did not reply. Moments after she calls but I did not pick up. I text her back saying, "Hey, Don't worry. You will not see me around." The reason why I said this is because I felt that was the only reason..
why she called. It's been an hour and no reply. I feel as though she might be with another guy and that's why she wants to know where I am so bad. It's so we would not run into each other. Who knows.. I guess that can be another questions.
Hi everyone. Thanks for the support. It's what I need right now and I really appreciate it. So I have yet to hear from her, not I'm clearly getting the message that she is trying to see if she has control over me. I think she is also a little confused..
I know she also has a lot going on in her life. But I don't think its fair if she thinks she can take me for granted. I had trouble sleeping last night. Woke up maybe like 10 times. Mornings are worst for me.. I'm glad there's a place where I can vent.
Hey everyone. A little update. After replying this to her last night, ""Hey, Don't worry. You will not see me around." She finally responded this afternoon with, "Ok. I'm just going to say goodbye now." Now when I read this I was a little upset..
and I did not respond. I mean, why would she even text me that when everything happened that one night? I don't understand.. I feel like she is trying to see if I will fight for her to see if I still care... I do not know how to approach this. =/
I am 21 by the way. Not sure why it says 25-29.
thank you to everyone. I am feeling a lot stronger now. Yesterday she called me and I picked up. She asked what I was doing I said I was at home. She asked if I was going out. I said I was going to. Then it got quiet. I said I had to go. She said..
she said OK, bye.. It sounded like she was really sad and did not want to get off the phone.I text her after saying, "Hey. I know nothing I say is going to make you want to stay. So I think it's in our best interest if we cut all contact with each
other. I know this is what you wanted and I just want you to be happy, even though it might cost me my happiness. Please know that this isn't easy for me. Be happy, live life and be free. Take care.
She replied with, "Ok, you're stronger than me to say that. I'm sorry." Then I said, "I guess this is our closure. Good bye. I love you." And that was the end of it. It hurts like crazy even though it was through text. I love her and do want to be with..
with her but I know she needs time to figure out what she really wants. I still pray every night for our families. I also pray that she will realize how much I love her. I hope she loves me too. I guess only time will tell. It's torture. TY for listening
A little update. I hope you guys had a great holiday weekend. I was gone for the whole weekend. I was hoping that this would be a chance for me to be a stronger person and honestly I feel like it helped getting away. Although there were a few times..
when I could not stop thinking about her. I haven't heard from her for a couple days now. So I know this time it is serious. I stopped to think about and realize that maybe it's really time to let go. I know its going to be rough, wish me luck.
Hey guys. Facebook makes things worse when you have your ex still as a friend. I've been debating on whether or not I should block her. Would this be immature of me? Well upon being so tempted today for wanting to look at her page, I discovered she is..
going to watch a movie with her old guy friend from high school. I'm not sure whether to be jealous or upset. I guess I am a little bit of both at the moment. Either way, I'm slowly taking a step back when I really shouldn't be. It hurts thinking that..
maybe she is dating this guy. How can someone who says they love you, then leave you and be happy with someone else knowing that the one they love is miserable? =/

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Everything you describe here is the normal, difficult process of breaking up.

    It is way too early for you to worry about not being able to move on. There is no reason for you to be able to move on yet. Yes, you have had breakups with her before but they were all temporary and you somehow sensed that but now you see that this breakup is the real deal.

    Breaking up is a grieving process. You will go in and out of, as well as back and forth on, any number of stages, from denial, to anger, to acceptance, to grief. Everyone's grieving process is different, but in the end it is painful. It takes time for it to become more bearable. One day it actually becomes workable and then one day it just isn't an issue anymore.

    It took me a full year to get through all the effects that came from the breakup of my 3 year relationship. I felt he was the love of my life. Our relationship was so passionate and life-changing, but then he tired of the energy it took to be so passionate, he thought he would still get all of that from me without putting much in to it himself, and of course it fell apart. It was probably the hardest breakup I have ever had. But, I did get through it. Now, when I talk to him (very rarely) or think of him (just as rare), I have no feelings for him, neither love nor hate. I am just cool with knowing he was part of my past, but I do not want him in my future and I feel whole. It will happen for you too, but you have a ways to go.

    Best of luck!

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What Girls Said 27

  • She is messing with you. That is so not cool.

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    • Yeah. I really believe she is because after the text I responded to her, I did not hear anything from her after that.

  • my first break up was bad. the guy didn't even care. well you just take time out for yourself. hang out with buddies, do what makes you happy, get a hobby or sport you like to do, distract the mind, go shopping if it helps, or just write a letter of what you wanted to say but don't send it. sort of just take a break and not think about the break up helps one get over it quicker. it takes time and a bit of effort.

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  • It will help you move on, a lot of people do it. Once you get to a point where you have moved on you can request her back, as a friend. Nothing says you can't be friends after the intimate emotions have passed. No one knows what the future holds but this will be 1 big step to getting her out of your mind.

    again - Best wishes

    ~bnwsmile

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  • Don't let her toy with your emotions. I would tell her to move on and leave me be.

    ~bnwsmile

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  • You can't make someone love you and only time will heal your pain. You're still young and you have the world at your finger tips. Moving on will be hard for both of you. It doesn't really matter if there is/was another guy. She has still LOST feelings for you. It's hard to move on because 3 years is a good chunk of your life, especially at your age. Time and only time will make your wounds more manageable.

    I wish you the best.

    ~bnwsmile

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What Guys Said 12

  • dude comment on my post(so I get notified), I want to help you out, its just right now I'm at work and if I sign on later I may not be able to find the post...or message me...i went thru this for the past 6 months and still kind of am...id love to give you my advice on what I've been doing and how things are going currently...long story short - it gets better, you'll be OK, keep your head up...message me so I'm not SO limited to the number of charaters I use lol

    stay strong man..until I reply to you, keep ur head up and keep yourself busy, go to the gym my man - this will help INCREDIBLY!

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    • Thanks, I really appreciate it. Any advice would help out right now. Best regards.

    • Message me...and I don't agree with why she wants to know where you are...i do not think for one second she called to see where you were because she was afraid to run into you...i think you're over analyzing the situation here, but message me id love to help..

  • Yeah it was really hard to prevent myself from looking at those social networks once I broke up. When I broke up with my ex I just deleted my account, because I didn't want to block her. I was still able to look at hers because it was public. I had to tell myself over and over again that I already made the decision to stop looking at her page. It was very hard EXTEMELY HARD! Like I was addicted! but I got through it and so can you. its going to take time. I mean its been close to 4 years and I still go look at it every once in awhile. But after 4 years I know everything is different. I'm a different person and so is she. Give yourself time. If you need to block her then do it. Down the road you can always explain that the break up was extremely difficult for you and it was the only choice you had at that moment in time.

    Stay strong. During this time you should focus on the bad moments in the relationship. Was she mean? Did she hurt you? Get yourself a notebook and start writing down your thoughts. Writing things down helped me sleep. It allowed me to get my thoughts out of my head and down on paper.

    People return to old friends when they break up because they are looking for a way to fill the void. You need to do the same. good luck.

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    • Thank you for that. I have been writing in a "journal". But I find that venting on here helps me more. Again I appreciate the support.

  • I've been through this. You really need to let this girl go. From what I have read you are on the right track. Distance yourself and try not to have any contact. The issue isn't you and its obviously her. You have your head on straight while she is acting irrational. I think she knows the relationship is over but she is also scared of letting go. She is afraid to be alone. If there is another guy then she is probably calling you when he isn't responding to her. This is her insecurity at work. The sooner you realize that this is her issue and not yours the sooner you will be able to move on. You should just start dating other people. Just put yourself out there even if it doesn't feel right. It's definitely smart to go.through your grieving process, but its a smart idea to force yourself through it. If you become lazy and just sit around going through the steps of grief will only take longer. Remember stop all contact with her and don't let her try to talk you back into a relationship at this time. I think you both definitely need your own space. Don't let insecurity be the reason you get back together because it won't last. You will be ok. I once dated a girl for 6 years and my life revolved around her. The same exact thing happened. I made it through it and I'm sure you can too.

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    • You definitely need to stop talking to her. If she texts you don't reply If she calls you don't answer. Stick to your guns and don't second guess yourself. You can't let any person have that type of control over you. And if for some reason she needs to talk, just listen and don't talk! Don't tell her how you are feeling because you don't need to tell her at this point. Its ok if you don't say anything now because you always have the future. Its up to you to regain control of the situati

  • Unfortunately, the best healer out there is time..

    When I try to look at this from both points of view, there is a lot of contrast between emotions..

    on one end, you are overwhelmed with emotions that have devastated you.. Ever since my first big hearbreak, I have always believed that heartbreak is temporary insanity. That is, because you don't think like you usually do, you don't react as usual, and you do things that you might not normally do when you're happy.. everything has been altered basically.. and I don't blame you for doing everything that you're doing trying to get away. For starters, I would HIGHLY recommend you either block her or delete her from Facebook.. if you're still contemplative, and if it helps, message her telling her straight up "don't mind me taking you off my friends list, I'm just trying to clear my mind and this is necessary for me as part of the process".. because if you keep reading into her life, it will be like picking at a scab that's trying to heal..

    On the other end, she's not being nearly as emotional as you.. it's possible it may hit her later on.. who knows how much time she needs to figure things out.. all she sees/notice is that you are in a lot of pain, and that you seem to be doing "nothing" all the time.. which might not make her think much of you at the moment..

    Aside from that my suggestion is to keep trying to distract yourself as best as you can.. and really do your best to lift your spirit in order to "live" a little more.. set goals.. if she ever contacts you again and asks what your're doing say you're going for a jog, or researching a business opportunity, or having lunch w some friends.. not to say lie to her and say that, rather to actually do it, hehe.

    I've been through this kind of thing before.. maybe not to the same extent, but I do feel you on this.. good luck.. hope this helps..

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  • I'm sorry for your ordeal. Just give it time. Surround yourself with friends and don't let yourself be alone.

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