How do I get over being played?

When I met him I was a very confident woman, I used to have plenty of guys that liked me.

I wasn't that into him and he was practically begging me to give him a chance.

I was young (17) when I met him.

He gave me the whole spiel of how women usually hurt him, what a good guy he was etc. I was totally happy when he asked me to be his girlfriend. The guy he was for the first 6 months of knowing him was perfect.

I feel so stupid for believing it.

I missed huge red flags after that, that he seemed to just be into sex. But I didn't believe it because I believed in myself, and thought, if he had me - why would he just see me as that? Because I know I have a lot more to offer a guy.

It wasn't until 14 months later that he got engaged.

That's right, despite the fact that we were still seeing each other all the time and he constantly told me he loved me, my boyfriend got engaged to another woman. He'd been seeing her for half of the time I'd known him (and another one, as it turns out), whilst always telling me that he loved me.

He never told me he was engaged or that he was seeing someone else.

He ditched me, saying that "perhaps we were on different paths in life." It wasn't until later I saw on his Facebook he was engaged and a mutual friend told me he had been for some time.

When I confronted him, he told me that he'd never promised me we were exclusive and I was making drama. That was our last conversation. I refused to speak to him since then.

What makes me so angry and upset is that I really try hard in myself as a person.

I'm told I'm very attractive and I take good care of my looks without being vain. I work out, practice yoga and eat and cook well. I get straight As at school. I have a good sense of humor and am told I come across as confident. I am there for all my friends and try to be a good person and I also don't take sh** from people.

I don't get why this happened to me. How I could be so stupid.

I can't get over it. I haven't been able to move on or date (it's been 6 months) because I can't get it out of my head and I still feel so hurt inside.

He has ditched the other woman now (his ex-fiance) and tries to contact me wherever I am. He's come to see me at work etc. He seems to think he is badly done to that I ignore him!

I just want to forget him, but I can't. I don't miss him and I certainly don't want him back, I think he is a snake, but I can't stop thinking about what an a** he was, when I thought he was a nice guy and how I was played.

How can I move on? My confidence in my own ability to judge people and in men has been bashed.

I used to think I had high self-esteem, but now I've realized it must have been very low to get involved with him and believe him. I'm only 19, I dated him for about 2 years, which is a long time at my age, it felt like forever. How do I forget and move on after being treated so badly, and not realizing it at the time?


Most Helpful Guy

  • First of all *hugs*.

    I hate the guy, he's such a creep.

    Guys like that make it so hard for the rest.

    First thing to remember is that there are lots of really decient guys out there.

    Second thing is to remember all the things you learned from this experience. Don't try to forget.

    Don't be bitter. Don't even hate the guy, he's not worth it as hate comes out of love and he had not deserved you love. Pity him and treat him like you would a fool (give him a wide berth and take nothing he says to heart).

    If sounds like your are a popular and attractive person :). Great! Keep that in mind, go out and enjoy your life. Make new friends and maybe date a little. Have fun, but just keep things at friend / dating level.

    If you find you start to develop feelings for anyone, do let them know, maybe hug them for longer or give them a peck, but stay just friends. Choose to spend the most time with the guy who is your best friend, the one you enjoy talking to and find attractive.

    If they want to take things furthur, just say "I'm only looking for a friend right now. I really like you, but right now I'm only wanting a friend". If the person really cares they will just be there with you. Do hug them and give them pecks to let them know they are special. Limit how much you see other male friends if you think they are someone you can seriously like.

    When you start feeling like you want to take things furthur, the first few times your friend tries to move things forward, just say "right now I just need a friend, ok." then hug him and tell I'm he's lovely. If he accepts that right off this is a great sign. If he still wants more, then its not necessarily a bad sign.. give him a cuddle or a peck on the cheek let him know you care. Wait and see (if he keeps pressuring you begin to worry). Do this the first 4 or 5 times over many weeks or months. Even years if you can last out that long. Most players are in a rush and won't bother to wait someone out, they also will get more and more "tetchy" and come up with more and more crap each time you say "lets just be friends for now" like "you obviously don't like me" (this is why its important to say you like the person, so that you can't worry it could be true they think you don't like them).. now if your saying you do and giving him hugs and pecks and not seeing other guys and not doing that with other guys.. say that. A good guy, will see that is true and wait for you because he enjoys you as a friend as well as-as a women. This will eliminate 99% of players.

    The important thing is not to get over protective of youself, that will cause things to get messed up. I mean, don't push everyone away, I know that's the instinct a person gets after being played but it doesn't help.

    I'm really sorry you got hurt. Hopefully you will meet someone decient now who will be so glad the other guy was a jerk and lost you :). This site can be a good place to meet genuine people and make good friends.

    • I had to type that reply twice because this daft browser type entry system failed >.<. Always feels like the first reply was better lol.

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    • :-) DoggyDude :

      Would you give the same advice to a guy, or this is only directed at females?

    • toulouse, yes. I see this as good advice for anyone (m or f). However, its only good advice if your looking for someone serious.

      I guess one ammendment I would make though is that we should be rather careful in how far we let things get before we say "right now I just need a frien, ok" because if we let things go too far we could possibly seriously emotionally mess up the other person (and they might do something stupid if they are romantically inexperienced)

What Guys Said 8

  • You're not alone. Here are some links to narcissist support forums:




  • Unfortunately there is only one thing that will heal this wound and that thing is time. I wish there was a better healer but if there is, I'm not aware of what it is. Eventhough I don't you or that snake, what he did to you really angers me because not all guys are that way. I'll even venture to say that most guys are not that way, Those few snakes really make the rest of us decent guys look bad. I hope that your faith in people can somehoew be restored in time. I suggest you look into taking out a restraining order. Coming to your work might be considered stalking, I'm not a cop or an attorney, but I'd look into it if I were you. If you believe in a higher power, place your faith there.

  • Heya. I know what you mean yeah. Being led on and lied to only to have your heart broken is just awful and painful. Sounds like this guy is very selfish. It has happend to me before too. 7 months ago. Honestly I'm still having a lot of trouble getting her out of my head and I'm still hurting most days.I think you need to realize that you did nothing wrong and that he was cheating and lying to you and what he did was very wrong. That first 6 months was when he was a wolf in a sheep costume and you don't need to be with a guy like that. Believe me I felt so stupid too but I can't help that and its not my fault. Its just not fair when someone uses you for one purpose especially when you are so much in love with them. Yes I was also fun, confident and outgoing but after what happened to me I was bit scared to go dating because I put so much effort and tried to be the best guy I could be in my last relationship and only got cheated on and dumped. So why try if your best efforts are not good enough to get treated decently right? But not all people are like the exs that we encountered and I assure you not all guys are like that jerk that you dated. I hope you find a truly nice guy. :)

  • Get in contact with his girl and tell her what he's done.

    He's a lowly piece of crap and he doesn't deserve better.

  • Heyy, listen I've been in this kind of situation as well. I couldn't behave properly for several weeks.

    You just need to concentrate about your family now. Just think how your parents took care of you since you were born. They won't even leave or cheat on you for whatever you do to them. They'll always love you. And don't just be too low for a guy who cheated/played with you. :)

    Just think about your mum, dad :) They are the real lovers :)

  • your going to have to talk to some trusted friends about what happened. your real friends will be there for you when you need to vent. then take up a martial arts or kick boxing class. beating on a body bag might get rid of some of the frustration. continue to not make contact with him, that ass wipe doesn't deserve the time of day from you.

  • Some guys fake relationships nothing you can do about it. Its a part of growing up and learning and experiencing new things. Break all contact, get ride of anything that reminds you of him. Give it time and start seeing other people. He maybe have been a player and their are lots of them out their 50 to 80% of guys will cheat just have to find someone who wont.

    Maybe you won't be as trusting with partners in the future, less likely to get played and hurt that's all you can do ...


What Girls Said 16

  • It is rough but you will heal and move on. In fact the faster you force yourself to move on the quicker the pain from this will disappear.

  • Gawrsh... I met a guy when I was 17. He was absolutely lovely. My picture of perfection. 8 months later he exploded at me for the first time... cue 5 months of him being a complete **** and breaking up with me loads (only for me to ask for him back when I couldn't stand it anymore) until I finally realized what was going on and didn't go back to him again. A month later I was seeing someone else and he kept coming back to me to tell me he wanted to be me friend and missed having me around (but chasing me like someone who wanted his ex back) and then exploding at me again. I had to tell him not to contact me again. He did. He sent some private photos and some that I didn't even know had been taken to some of his friends. I had to get the police involved.

    Over the past year and a bit of being with my new guy and not being with the last one, I've questioned my judgement like you have. I feel reluctant to fully let my guard down with my new guy - almost, but not fully. Because I'm afraid the same thing could happen again. Really I know that just because my ex was a cock, doesn't mean every guy on the planet is. But I don't trust my own judgement. I trusted him so much and I truly believed that if we ever broke up we'd at least be on good terms. Just the same as I trust my new guy that much.

    It helps me to remember that I've learned a lot since then. I'm 2 years older and have read about a lot of other people's experiences and thought things through much more thoroughly. I've been harsh in my judgement of my new guy - tried to imagine the worst possible scenarios, and they're just not that likely. there were red flags with the first guy - I just didn't see them until too late. I've asked friends (friends whose judgement I trust - not just someone who'll try to be nice) to give me a brutally honest opinion on both guys, what I've done wrong and what they've done wrong and what signs there are/were. The general opinion is exactly as I thought and had wanted to believe in the first place - that the first guy is a **** and I could have prevented what happened (partly my fault, but I don't have beat myself up for that - all I have to do is try not to let it happen again) and the current guy has his flaws but isn't likely to be like the last one. Occasionally I think about how naive I must have been to let it all happen. I've learned to shut them up with the thought that no matter what happens, as long as I'm enjoying it at the time, I'm not letting myself be taken advantage of.

    Take everything at surface value. This guy is gone - or at least he should be. Tell him to go away, and if he doesn't you'll get the cops involved. He should be scared off, but if he isn't, then you may actually have to =\ either way, he's your past. That can't be changed... but you can look back at it, see the signs now, look out for them in other people. That experience will teach you to weed out the assholes in your future and seek out the good guys. You have to have faith =]

  • Thank god you are only 19. This happens to women much older than you and what we lack is sometimes the extra time in our dating lives to learn from the lesson. I am not; however, saying that this isn't awful because it is.

    You need to forgive yourself. I don't see how you could have identified him as the guy he ended up being. What chance does any reasonable person stand in catching a completely shameless liar and cheat? Not much.

    Forgive yourself, make sure you avoid all contact with him, even contact to tell him he is a snake. It will take time for you to rebuild your confidence and move on from this. It could take you a good year or so and you might want to consider seeing a therapist a few times. It is really an awful situation to have someone you loved treat you so badly. I feel for you. Take care!

  • Well first of all, I'm so sorry that happened to you! Sometimes bad things happen to really good people and there's nothing you could've done to prepare for it. What you need to remember above all, is that you were the victim in the relationship. Some guys are *really* good at lying, trust me I've been there, and you becoming a victim of it has nothing to do with your worth or intelligence. In fact, after dating someone for 2 years, I'm very proud that you haven't given him another chance despite his efforts to come back into your life. That's a sign of a very strong and confident woman! You don't give yourself enough credit. Most women our age would most certainly take him back despite everything he had done to them.

    Keep doing what you've been doing with your life. It sounds like you've definitely got your act together and a guy would be super lucky to have you. Talk to your friends and family when you're feeling down, and aggressive exercise usually helps me when I'm particularly mad about something. Above all, remember that this is not a sign that you're weak or a bad judge of character. No more than someone who has been raped is to blame. It will be hard to trust for a while, but keep telling yourself everyday that it wasn't because of you and that everything happens for a reason. (Even if we don't know what the reason is yet.) The bitterness will eventually go away and you'll be an even stronger woman than you were before.

    P.S. Good luck. I can tell just from reading your post that you're very strong, intelligent and worthy of all the love in the world from a special man. The guy that hurt you will get what's coming to him one day.

  • The fact that you have healthy levels of selfesteem does not make you flawless. You were young and inexperienced and he was your first sucky relationship. Don't be hard on yourself and give yourself some time to heal. Part of self-esteem is knowing that you are vulnerable and flawed and not having issues with it. It is a good thing that you will not accept him into your life again and more than likely you will find a much better person. Hugs and get better soon!

  • yeah I had the same problem but I cut the guy out immediately after the 2nd date so I guess he doesn't earn the title of boyfriend for me but this guy I dated also said other girls hurt him & tried to make himself look good by blaming his mom and he had a lot of red flags too that I ignored because well I had a huge crush on the guy and I wanted someone who care and guess what? after dating him and hanging out, that killed my self esteem also.

    you're starting to wake up. take a break and rethink your strategy and take care of yourself. try to make happier memories for yourself. that's what I've been doing for about 3 years now , and counselling helped. the girls who were sleeping with this guy I dated even had the audacity to text me sh*t, it's too much work to care about dirt like these, you hold your head up high, you move forward, and make your life positive. like I have, I don't like letting anyone controlling how I live my life, I don't want their mark on my past to own me. Do everything you can to forget him, burn away the things that remind you of him and cut him out completely

  • Now this IS fascinating.

    "Because I know I have a lot more to offer a guy." That's absolutely right, especially from the way you sound. I'm glad I don't have to tell you. =)

    I wish I could tell you why he did that, but I have no explanation for why guys do that sometimes. So, he told you he got "badly hurt" by other women ... that alone is a bad sign. A lot of men start to take revenge when it happens to them. His own self-confidence must be pretty shattered. I guess maybe he thought that getting engaged to someone, he would hurt you but make you obsessed with him or something.

    And I'm so happy there's strong girls like you out there.

    Don't give him a single chance to talk - he doesn't deserve it.

    I know how it feels to be content with yourself and to feel smart (but not smug or vain), then make such a huge, obvious mistake. It's happened to me. You felt mostly satisfied, then ruined it with a bad move and naivety.

    I don't think it means you were actually weak or unconfident for falling for someone like him. Guys like him are incredibly clever at masking their intentions, probably because they even believe themselves. It's the shy, slow, not-so-mouthy lad that's probably the one that means it.

    Love is what gets us all.

    Take this as a learning experience. What you've learned is - never to put everything into a relationship, never to think it will last forever and being VERY careful. I know you probably feel wounded and think you can never be that confident girl again. Yes, it is a new experience and it changed your outlook ... but don't let it be negative.

    Now that you had to deal with one, you will recognise a liar in the future and be more wary.

    Move on by cutting off all contact with him and throwing away all the things that remind you of him. Then, like after a break-up, keep busy and do the things you couldn't do while you were with him. Try new things, get new goals ... and reach them.

    Don't rush into a relationship. Not until you meet someone you'll get crazy over - but also trust. Believe me, it will happen.

    Don't let this guy get you down. He's not worth even a thought. Don't blame yourself ... we all fall, especially when blindly in love. Now work on having an even better life than before. ^-^

  • Oh my God, that's horrible, what a jackass.

    I'm glad you know you have more to offer. There are plenty of decent guys out there. Just take your time to know someone! I don't think you're the only woman he has done it to. His fiancee is now his ex fiancee, and you mentioned someone else? He will be very lonely.

    I hate when some men don't know they have done anything wrong.

    All I can say is, he is an idiot.

    Write affirmations. People may be good judges of character, but some of the people they judge may be putting on a very good and convincing act!

  • I know a lot of people said this already, but I know how you feel. I had my high school sweetheart, and though we WERE exclusive, and we didn't have sex or anything. But out of the blue he dumped me, but at time same time, he talked to me and everything as though as if we never broke up. I had fallen hard, and he gave me a lot of hints that said we'd get back together. Once, he even toyed with me so much I had my first make-out session with him. A couple days later I called him up and asked him what that meant, and if everything he said was true, and he was actually honest and told me that he just said those things to get me to kiss him. I struggled with feeling used for a while, and I felt my heart break all over again. Even after that he continued to toy with my feelings, saying the things I wanted to hear. To be honest, I know that he is afraid of commitment, because I know other girls he went out with, and they were complete bitches to him. Sometimes I think that once he gets over these issues he has, that he'll come back to me. But at the same time I don't hold my breath. It's all about forgiveness. I HAVE forgiven him for playing with my feelings, but that doesn't mean I love or care about him any less. You need to forgive this ass, and remember that there are a lot of fish in the sea, it's all about finding the right one. It's been almost 2 years since I've dated again; You are NINETEEN! Plenty of time to date, ect. Personally, I wouldn't let a guy have sex with me, because if you don't have sex and they leave you, it just shows what asses they are.

  • Interesting. How old is this question and why does it have so many more responses than me? My question is MORE interesting then yourse!

  • I can be a pretty catty person when someone has done me wrong. I had a similar situation (Thankfully, I didn't lose my virginity to the douche.) with a guy. He kept telling me he loved me, and I thought that he was fine with me wanting to wait to have sex at the time. Christmas day, however, I call him and some broad picks up the phone and tells me that she doesn't want me to call him anymore because she's his girlfriend. So, I asked her, "How long have you two been dating?" She said since the day before, and I told her, "Then I need you to leave his house, because I've been dating him for 3 months." See, in situations like this I will tell the girl what I've been through with the guy so she can know what he's up to. You don't cross me and get away with it, oh no.

  • Honestly, it takes time and don't feel bad because of what he did, most men have low self esteem themselves and choose to hurt before they get hurt. He may have felt you were someone who could have any guy and you may have left him for the next guy so he did his dirt first. If he is indeed just a **** then know that you are better than that. Never let a man dictate your level of confidence. The way to kill that snake is to show him that he only made you stronger, even if it hurts on the inside. He is coming around to see if he hurt you or not, some people feed off that. Don't entertain ignorance. Stay strong

    • Great advice. I will not entertain his ignorance and definitely stay strong even though it can be very difficult.

  • I know how you feel. I have been there the best thing that you can do is accept what happened take it as a life lesson look for the flags in your next relationship. Find someone out there that will treat you with the respect and love you deserve.

    Just think this snake made you a better smarter woman based off his stupid actions- don't give him the priveledge to be in your thoughts even if they arnt good ones

  • Hey Girl, sorry for your hurt and pain. Just know and understand that you did nothing wrong. Take it one day at a time never look back especially with having him in your future. He doesn't deserve you. Show him that you are happy and that what he did... He missed out on a good women! Make him regret what he did to you by not being hurt from what he did! it may be hard but put up that front! as time goes by your hurt and pain will finally heal you will realize that whatever happened what just a lesson to be learn. Everything will be OK =)

  • Hun..

    you just need to hold on, when you see him slab his fking face till you feel better.

    All that happened to you to make you stronger and smarter.

    You just need someone to help you to move on " a friend ".

    cry alot,talk to your best friend about how you feel maybe it will help you to calm down,do what makes you feel better,hang out with your friends and go in a holidays to any where you want.

    You should know that what happened to you is a lesson.

    and you learned a lot from it.

    When you realize that ! Don't cry just get up and if he kept following you everywhere just call the police,you will absolutely feel good.

    Your the only person who can help yourself.

    And ""friends ""that will be more helpful.

    i hope you understand what I meant and I hope I helped you.

  • First step is no contact with the snake. I think you should analyze the relationship and identify one major thing being involved with him prevented you from accomplishing and make accomplishing that one thing your #1 goal for the next six months. You could run a marathon, organize your resume for your dream job, take that trip to that place you've promised yourself you want to see before you die. Once you realize you are doing great things for yourself without him in the picture, you will be so over the a**. Cheers!