How do I get over being played?

When I met him I was a very confident woman, I used to have plenty of guys that liked me.

I wasn't that into him and he was practically begging me to give him a chance.

I was young (17) when I met him.

He gave me the whole spiel of how women usually hurt him, what a good guy he was etc. I was totally happy when he asked me to be his girlfriend. The guy he was for the first 6 months of knowing him was perfect.

I feel so stupid for believing it.

I missed huge red flags after that, that he seemed to just be into sex. But I didn't believe it because I believed in myself, and thought, if he had me - why would he just see me as that? Because I know I have a lot more to offer a guy.

It wasn't until 14 months later that he got engaged.

That's right, despite the fact that we were still seeing each other all the time and he constantly told me he loved me, my boyfriend got engaged to another woman. He'd been seeing her for half of the time I'd known him (and another one, as it turns out), whilst always telling me that he loved me.

He never told me he was engaged or that he was seeing someone else.

He ditched me, saying that "perhaps we were on different paths in life." It wasn't until later I saw on his Facebook he was engaged and a mutual friend told me he had been for some time.

When I confronted him, he told me that he'd never promised me we were exclusive and I was making drama. That was our last conversation. I refused to speak to him since then.

What makes me so angry and upset is that I really try hard in myself as a person.

I'm told I'm very attractive and I take good care of my looks without being vain. I work out, practice yoga and eat and cook well. I get straight As at school. I have a good sense of humor and am told I come across as confident. I am there for all my friends and try to be a good person and I also don't take sh** from people.

I don't get why this happened to me. How I could be so stupid.

I can't get over it. I haven't been able to move on or date (it's been 6 months) because I can't get it out of my head and I still feel so hurt inside.

He has ditched the other woman now (his ex-fiance) and tries to contact me wherever I am. He's come to see me at work etc. He seems to think he is badly done to that I ignore him!

I just want to forget him, but I can't. I don't miss him and I certainly don't want him back, I think he is a snake, but I can't stop thinking about what an a** he was, when I thought he was a nice guy and how I was played.

How can I move on? My confidence in my own ability to judge people and in men has been bashed.

I used to think I had high self-esteem, but now I've realized it must have been very low to get involved with him and believe him. I'm only 19, I dated him for about 2 years, which is a long time at my age, it felt like forever. How do I forget and move on after being treated so badly, and not realizing it at the time?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • First of all *hugs*.

    I hate the guy, he's such a creep.

    Guys like that make it so hard for the rest.

    First thing to remember is that there are lots of really decient guys out there.

    Second thing is to remember all the things you learned from this experience. Don't try to forget.

    Don't be bitter. Don't even hate the guy, he's not worth it as hate comes out of love and he had not deserved you love. Pity him and treat him like you would a fool (give him a wide berth and take nothing he says to heart).

    If sounds like your are a popular and attractive person :). Great! Keep that in mind, go out and enjoy your life. Make new friends and maybe date a little. Have fun, but just keep things at friend / dating level.

    If you find you start to develop feelings for anyone, do let them know, maybe hug them for longer or give them a peck, but stay just friends. Choose to spend the most time with the guy who is your best friend, the one you enjoy talking to and find attractive.

    If they want to take things furthur, just say "I'm only looking for a friend right now. I really like you, but right now I'm only wanting a friend". If the person really cares they will just be there with you. Do hug them and give them pecks to let them know they are special. Limit how much you see other male friends if you think they are someone you can seriously like.

    When you start feeling like you want to take things furthur, the first few times your friend tries to move things forward, just say "right now I just need a friend, ok." then hug him and tell I'm he's lovely. If he accepts that right off this is a great sign. If he still wants more, then its not necessarily a bad sign.. give him a cuddle or a peck on the cheek let him know you care. Wait and see (if he keeps pressuring you begin to worry). Do this the first 4 or 5 times over many weeks or months. Even years if you can last out that long. Most players are in a rush and won't bother to wait someone out, they also will get more and more "tetchy" and come up with more and more crap each time you say "lets just be friends for now" like "you obviously don't like me" (this is why its important to say you like the person, so that you can't worry it could be true they think you don't like them).. now if your saying you do and giving him hugs and pecks and not seeing other guys and not doing that with other guys.. say that. A good guy, will see that is true and wait for you because he enjoys you as a friend as well as-as a women. This will eliminate 99% of players.

    The important thing is not to get over protective of youself, that will cause things to get messed up. I mean, don't push everyone away, I know that's the instinct a person gets after being played but it doesn't help.

    I'm really sorry you got hurt. Hopefully you will meet someone decient now who will be so glad the other guy was a jerk and lost you :). This site can be a good place to meet genuine people and make good friends.

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    • I had to type that reply twice because this daft browser type entry system failed >.<. Always feels like the first reply was better lol.

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    • :-) DoggyDude :

      Would you give the same advice to a guy, or this is only directed at females?

    • toulouse, yes. I see this as good advice for anyone (m or f). However, its only good advice if your looking for someone serious.

      I guess one ammendment I would make though is that we should be rather careful in how far we let things get before we say "right now I just need a frien, ok" because if we let things go too far we could possibly seriously emotionally mess up the other person (and they might do something stupid if they are romantically inexperienced)

What Guys Said 8

  • You're not alone. Here are some links to narcissist support forums:

    link

    link

    link

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  • Unfortunately there is only one thing that will heal this wound and that thing is time. I wish there was a better healer but if there is, I'm not aware of what it is. Eventhough I don't you or that snake, what he did to you really angers me because not all guys are that way. I'll even venture to say that most guys are not that way, Those few snakes really make the rest of us decent guys look bad. I hope that your faith in people can somehoew be restored in time. I suggest you look into taking out a restraining order. Coming to your work might be considered stalking, I'm not a cop or an attorney, but I'd look into it if I were you. If you believe in a higher power, place your faith there.

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  • Heya. I know what you mean yeah. Being led on and lied to only to have your heart broken is just awful and painful. Sounds like this guy is very selfish. It has happend to me before too. 7 months ago. Honestly I'm still having a lot of trouble getting her out of my head and I'm still hurting most days.I think you need to realize that you did nothing wrong and that he was cheating and lying to you and what he did was very wrong. That first 6 months was when he was a wolf in a sheep costume and you don't need to be with a guy like that. Believe me I felt so stupid too but I can't help that and its not my fault. Its just not fair when someone uses you for one purpose especially when you are so much in love with them. Yes I was also fun, confident and outgoing but after what happened to me I was bit scared to go dating because I put so much effort and tried to be the best guy I could be in my last relationship and only got cheated on and dumped. So why try if your best efforts are not good enough to get treated decently right? But not all people are like the exs that we encountered and I assure you not all guys are like that jerk that you dated. I hope you find a truly nice guy. :)

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  • Get in contact with his girl and tell her what he's done.

    He's a lowly piece of crap and he doesn't deserve better.

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  • Heyy, listen I've been in this kind of situation as well. I couldn't behave properly for several weeks.

    You just need to concentrate about your family now. Just think how your parents took care of you since you were born. They won't even leave or cheat on you for whatever you do to them. They'll always love you. And don't just be too low for a guy who cheated/played with you. :)

    Just think about your mum, dad :) They are the real lovers :)

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What Girls Said 16

  • It is rough but you will heal and move on. In fact the faster you force yourself to move on the quicker the pain from this will disappear.

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  • Gawrsh... I met a guy when I was 17. He was absolutely lovely. My picture of perfection. 8 months later he exploded at me for the first time... cue 5 months of him being a complete **** and breaking up with me loads (only for me to ask for him back when I couldn't stand it anymore) until I finally realized what was going on and didn't go back to him again. A month later I was seeing someone else and he kept coming back to me to tell me he wanted to be me friend and missed having me around (but chasing me like someone who wanted his ex back) and then exploding at me again. I had to tell him not to contact me again. He did. He sent some private photos and some that I didn't even know had been taken to some of his friends. I had to get the police involved.

    Over the past year and a bit of being with my new guy and not being with the last one, I've questioned my judgement like you have. I feel reluctant to fully let my guard down with my new guy - almost, but not fully. Because I'm afraid the same thing could happen again. Really I know that just because my ex was a cock, doesn't mean every guy on the planet is. But I don't trust my own judgement. I trusted him so much and I truly believed that if we ever broke up we'd at least be on good terms. Just the same as I trust my new guy that much.

    It helps me to remember that I've learned a lot since then. I'm 2 years older and have read about a lot of other people's experiences and thought things through much more thoroughly. I've been harsh in my judgement of my new guy - tried to imagine the worst possible scenarios, and they're just not that likely. there were red flags with the first guy - I just didn't see them until too late. I've asked friends (friends whose judgement I trust - not just someone who'll try to be nice) to give me a brutally honest opinion on both guys, what I've done wrong and what they've done wrong and what signs there are/were. The general opinion is exactly as I thought and had wanted to believe in the first place - that the first guy is a **** and I could have prevented what happened (partly my fault, but I don't have beat myself up for that - all I have to do is try not to let it happen again) and the current guy has his flaws but isn't likely to be like the last one. Occasionally I think about how naive I must have been to let it all happen. I've learned to shut them up with the thought that no matter what happens, as long as I'm enjoying it at the time, I'm not letting myself be taken advantage of.

    Take everything at surface value. This guy is gone - or at least he should be. Tell him to go away, and if he doesn't you'll get the cops involved. He should be scared off, but if he isn't, then you may actually have to =\ either way, he's your past. That can't be changed... but you can look back at it, see the signs now, look out for them in other people. That experience will teach you to weed out the assholes in your future and seek out the good guys. You have to have faith =]

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  • Thank god you are only 19. This happens to women much older than you and what we lack is sometimes the extra time in our dating lives to learn from the lesson. I am not; however, saying that this isn't awful because it is.

    You need to forgive yourself. I don't see how you could have identified him as the guy he ended up being. What chance does any reasonable person stand in catching a completely shameless liar and cheat? Not much.

    Forgive yourself, make sure you avoid all contact with him, even contact to tell him he is a snake. It will take time for you to rebuild your confidence and move on from this. It could take you a good year or so and you might want to consider seeing a therapist a few times. It is really an awful situation to have someone you loved treat you so badly. I feel for you. Take care!

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  • Well first of all, I'm so sorry that happened to you! Sometimes bad things happen to really good people and there's nothing you could've done to prepare for it. What you need to remember above all, is that you were the victim in the relationship. Some guys are *really* good at lying, trust me I've been there, and you becoming a victim of it has nothing to do with your worth or intelligence. In fact, after dating someone for 2 years, I'm very proud that you haven't given him another chance despite his efforts to come back into your life. That's a sign of a very strong and confident woman! You don't give yourself enough credit. Most women our age would most certainly take him back despite everything he had done to them.

    Keep doing what you've been doing with your life. It sounds like you've definitely got your act together and a guy would be super lucky to have you. Talk to your friends and family when you're feeling down, and aggressive exercise usually helps me when I'm particularly mad about something. Above all, remember that this is not a sign that you're weak or a bad judge of character. No more than someone who has been raped is to blame. It will be hard to trust for a while, but keep telling yourself everyday that it wasn't because of you and that everything happens for a reason. (Even if we don't know what the reason is yet.) The bitterness will eventually go away and you'll be an even stronger woman than you were before.

    P.S. Good luck. I can tell just from reading your post that you're very strong, intelligent and worthy of all the love in the world from a special man. The guy that hurt you will get what's coming to him one day.

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  • The fact that you have healthy levels of selfesteem does not make you flawless. You were young and inexperienced and he was your first sucky relationship. Don't be hard on yourself and give yourself some time to heal. Part of self-esteem is knowing that you are vulnerable and flawed and not having issues with it. It is a good thing that you will not accept him into your life again and more than likely you will find a much better person. Hugs and get better soon!

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