Boyfriend obsessed with family??

[Anonymous]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half. He is 25 and lives at home with his mom, sister, and his sister's son. His dad passed away several years ago. I want to know that this relationship is going somewhere and that we are starting a life together, but he seems to be obsessed with his family. He rarely wants to spend time alone with me, and he would rather do something with his family that he lives with and with his other brothers and sisters and their children. I have my own place and would love for him to move in, but he thinks I should move in with him at his mom's house to save money. I'm not worried about saving money and don't want to live there because they have cats (I'm allergic), everyone smokes (I'm a non-smoker), and there's no privacy (there's always people over there).

I just feel unimportant compared to his family. He is a priority in my life and I don't feel the same way to him. And on another note, he behaves in a way that I feel is inappropriate with the women in his family...he'll swim between his mom's legs in the pool then pick her up or put her on his shoulders. He lays on his mom's bed all the time to watch TV or to take naps. Him and his sister fight like they're ten years old and will lean on each other or touch each other in ways that I find inappropriate. I don't know if this closeness comes from the fact that they lost their dad, but it makes me uncomfortable.

Sometimes I get the feeling that he confides in his mom more than me, and that upsets me because I feel like we should be closer. I don't like spending too much time around them, although I do get along with them. I don't know if I'm looking too much into this, but I just wanted to know if it's normal. Please give me your opinion because I don't know how I would be able to put up with this for a lifetime.

[Anonymous]

I thought it was just me who had this issue!! it is soooo unhealthy. i have a frighteningly similar situation and issues with my boyfriend, of one year, which i am trying my hardest to get to the root of the issue/my issue/ what is actually going on here. while i am searching for the answers he is seemingly unaffected by anything i have tried to speak with him about and has even called me insecure and jealous and that he will not apologize for 'loving' his family. I have taken a good look at myself and i am simply far from insecure or jealous. I dont even need or expect my partner to agree with me, acknowledgement in some way would be good. But i am doubting this is worth going on with considering he is not prepared to try to acknowledge this let alone understand my feelings about all this. he says 'they are my family! i love them' to which i have agreed we all love our families and suggested he considers how they actually became a family in the first place..ie a man and a woman met and forged a strong loving bond/relationship which then became what is now his parental family, how about thinking about developing his own relationships , maybe even creating his 'own' family some day rather than constantly living in his sisters and moms skirts and affairs. family is one thing, but i have the feeling that this is an unhealthy inability and disregard for the importance of forging a bonding relationship with a partner due to his clinginess to his birth family. the parental family crack on with their own lives and families yet he makes them the center of his life and while this continues to be the case i am left feeling like i deserve the chance of a healthy relationship to bloom with someone who healthily loves their family and is able to be present, close and engaging in their own personal relationships. the fact he is very able to give so much attention, care, intimacy, trust to a relationship, but just not in the direction of our relationship, cuts like a knife. :(

[Anonymous]

It's so weird when I read this because everything you said is exactly the same as my boyfriend, except the bit of him wanting you to move in and Dad being passed away. After being together for 2 years it still really freaks me out. My boyfriend always prefers to spend time with his family then me, and he confides in his Sisters whom are younger then me and tells them everything about me which I HATE! He is my priority, but I feel like his family are his. I am not saying it's something bad, but I always feel second best. I told my Boyfriend once how I feel and he got really angry at me, accusing me of being jealous and selfish-Which is totally not true!

I think if you question him or mention your feelings he will say the same thing that my boyfriend said to me, I have realized that all Men who have this sort of relationship with their family, react the same way. I am not meaning to be hurtful or anything, just realistic but he will never change and he will always put his family first. You have 2 options stay and put up with it (which is what I did) or if you find it too hard move on you deserve to come first. I know you probably thinking why don't I take some of my own advice, it's because I have low self esteem. And I love him so much that I put up with it. To many that may be wrong or stupid, but I made that decision, and no one should jugde me for that . I would also like to point out that if you do decide it's not something you can handle and leave you are not being selfish, because every women deserves love. Good luck ;)

[Opinion Owner]

I would also like to point out that the inappropriate side to this is also very scarey. Be very careful if you decide to stay also. It's a little to close for comfort if you ask me.

[Asker]

I want to spend time with him, but he always wants me to come over and me to do things with him and his family. I stick around because I do love him, but I want to come first in his life. And sometimes I think that the only time that would ever happen is when his mom dies, which is terrible to say. Anytime I try to talk to him about anything related to his family he get so defensive!!! I don't know if I'm stupid for putting up with it or just accepting of his ways despite feeling weird.

[Samisrad]

Wow.. I mean at first reading this it sounded just like okay he's close with his family get over it, but Hun this is not normal.

He could even have a mental disorder, caused by losing his father, leading him to be so inappropriately close with his family.

You really do need to just talk to him about your needs. You obviously need more than he is giving. I can sense how annoyed you are getting with him, and I think you have the right to be annoyed.

I think you should lay it on the line, maybe even give him an ultimatum. I mean, maybe not so clear cut as to "me or your family", but more like "give me what I need period". If he can't at least compromise, you may want to reassess the relationship.

[Asker]

I feel like I compromise and he just gets his way because I don't want to upset him. I feel like relationships are about compromise, but I'm the only one doing it!!! It bothers me to see some of these behaviors, but then I think...well I don't know what he's gone through with the loss of his dad. I just hate momma's boys!!!

[Samisrad]

It's not compromise if you're the only one doing it, that's just.. well.. giving him exactly what he wants without you getting your needs met in return!

Maybe see a relationship counseler?

[temptationfalls]

I'm going to have to back him up on this. From my perspective, you want him to choose between you or his family and if I were him I would've kicked you out the door a long time ago. Family is there when a person is born and family (hopefully) is there for the rest of a life. A relationship can't exactly say the same. Especially when the family loses a central member (Dad) the family tends to either fall apart or become incredibly strong. He may be the new father figure for everyone and that's why he doesn't want to leave. I may not agree with him picking his mom up and don't exactly understand what is inappropriate about leaning on a sibling. What's wrong with laying on your mom's bed and watching TV or napping and doing the same on the sofa?