How do I tell him I'm not ready for sex?

[Anonymous]

I'm not a virgin, that's not the problem, I'm not "worried about keep my virginity till I'm married" or any of that stuff.

I have a boyfriend, he's amazing. and what I love most is that he's respectful, he's told me time and time again that he'd never intentionally do anything that I didn't want him to do.

so sex. I haven't said anything about sex yet, I'm not ready to give myself to him yet, and I don't think I will be for a while. I have my reasons, but I can't give him the reason why. And yes, most might say "if he respects you, he won't care" and it's not about him not caring, I feel humiliated saying that. I don't know what he expects out of a relationship, I just feel pressured to do it because when we see each other things get so heated and I'm sure he's horny lol, but that's the problem, I want to be able to get close to him, to cuddle and kiss and touch and everything like that, but I don't want to get to the point where he's so eager to get it on that I have to stop him, I don't know what to say or how to go about doing it. Plus I'd completly embarriss myself and him!

So how might I let him know that I don't want sex in the equation?

I'm not the most straightforward girl in the world, I can't just say - "he buddy I don't wanna have sex"

=/

[jaccckie-x]

Hmm, I know how you feel with this one,

and it makes it worse if you feel guilty because they want to have sex with you then you feel silly that you don't want sex with them and you don't want them thinking its because you don't feel sexually attracted to them.

what I tend to do is be like "I love how we don't need to have sex to show how much we love each other" just say this now and then when your cuddling etc. this will make him feel bad for I don't want to say pressurising you because I don't know he's not. But it will make him feel bad for trying to get it on with you.also say things like "I love how you can just be with me" etc. you doing have to be like "I don't want to have sex" but at some point.its going to become apparent that , that's the way things are going. So at sompoint your going to have to be open with him about your reasons , to be fair on him.

Im taking it the fact you haven't told him yet is because you havnt been with him that long,

and you feel that you don't want to tell him your reasons because its still to soon.

But maybe you should pluck up the courage and tell him the reason.

If he's any decent enough guy he will understand and appreciate you being honest with him and will lay off a bit more untill you are ready, other wise .i know this sounds cruel but I'm only saying this because this has happened to me.other wise he may get bored waiting and leave :( . I think you seriously need to think of the reasons why you can't give him the reason. and maybe think of a way to tell him.without using so many words as to bluntly spell it out for him, if you get me lol.

I hope I have helped .because I know exactly how you feel. and I'm having the same problem my self . the thing with me is .i am a virgin and he hasn't tryed it on yet.but I know at some point he probably will .and I'm just going to have to wait untill then. lol.

Let me know how things go . most of all don't worry about it.if he doesn't understand.he ain't worth being with. Good luck

[Asker]

Thanks so much! it helps when other can relate to my situations, your words helped and best of luck to you also.

[Ginkr]

My bestfriend had the same thing happen to her. about your reasons for not wanting to have sex.

Honostly, you need to sit down with him one day (with only the intention of talking) and tell him:

"I know this is going to sound awkward, but I feel like we need to address it, I like you. but I'm not ready to have sex with you. I know you might wonder why. but its personal, I'm sorry but I don't feel comfortable talking about it just yet. (he'll get an idea of what your talking about and back off.)."

Either he's as respectful as you say and he sticks around is comforting, loving, and caring as you say. that he's this fantastic guy, the guy you need as your going through this mess. or he isn't. Either way, your not alone, and its his loss if he gives up.

[Limey]

You need to tell him. Just say the next time your making out. He will have already figured it out, but he needs to hear those words spoken from your mouth.

What happens next? He’s going to have some questions.

Why don't you want to have sex? Your boy friend has every right to ask you this question and you have every right to give no answer. You don't need to explain or justify your decision, just tell him you’re not ready for sex.

WARNING: Your 18 or over, its the year 2008. Sex is part of all relationships and if your not prepared to have sex with your boyfriend he will leave. I know it horrible to say but any person (and I include women in this statement) will only accept a relationship without sex for a short period of time. The length of time depends on your age and the person, but you have to accept this is a fact. I'm 31, I'd give a girl friend 3 months, if she did not want to have sex after that time and was not prepared to give any reason, I would consider her a defective item and return her to the store along with the receipt. When I was 20, I maybe I’d have waited longer, especially if I liked the girl.

Sorry, you said you felt awkward telling your boyfriend, but I think your boyfriends really deserves you being honest with him. You'll have to feel awkward.

[AOgixxer750]

if there was anytime to be straight forward, this would be it. if your not feeling like giving yourself to him yet, you need to let him know that at this point in the relationship you don't want to go all the way. tell him you want to have something to look forward too, on a special night when you feel its right. it sucks when your with a girl and your getting to a point in the night and then things just stop cause she doesn't want to have sex but he does. that will make things akward and put a strain on the relationship. you need to tell him asap so he's not blind sided when your getting things on and you want to stop cause he wants sex

[sexy-man]

Sorry but you gotta tell him. You have to get out of your comfort zone and be straight forward with your dude. If my girlfriend didn't want to have sex with me and gave me no reasons, I'd assume she doesn't like me, she's playing me, or there is someone else and I'd just leave. Your boyfriend respects you, yeah, but unless you tell the "Why" to the NO SEX rule, he isn't sticking around much longer. Because in a way you'll just push him away and he'd feel like you don't respect him.

If he respects you enough, he'll consider your reasons.

[Hercules]

Since you're anonymous on this forum, could you give us the reasons why you don't want to have sex. Knowing those, I can better figure out how you should go about this.

But currently, it seems the most intelligent move would be to just tell him, "I'm not ready for sex, I'm sorry." I know you can't be straightforward, but you have to. It's that, or he finds out in some horrible way.

[Asker]

Since I'm anonymous,

raped, molested, abused, ...i currently have bruises down there,

yes the police and my family knows. but I'm no where near ready to tell my boyfriend or anyone else, I know he deserves to know, and probably should know this. but I can't tell him yet.

=/

[Hercules]

Well, if it was recent, I hope you can handle all that appropriately. Enforce the law, kind of appropriate. As for how to deal with telling your boyfriend, here's what you say,

"I'm not ready to have sex yet. I beg of you to give me time, and I beg of you to not ask questions why, I just need time. Please."

Something like that so he knows not to cross any boundaries.

[Forgetable]

I'd disagree with the beg thing, I don't think she should have to beg at all, just saying hey I really like you, but I just don't feel like I can do that just yet, you wouldn't be liying it would be understandable and shouldn't lead to any questions. At least that's my opinion, hope you find the right answer for you, and soon.

[wally]

why not I mean you should tell him that you want to take things slow , if he care about you and love you he will understand , I know most of guys and girls they think that the whole relationships thing is sex no its not sex is the result for love not just pheysical action .

tell him the truth ans see what his react , goo luck

[WaitingAtTheDoor]

You can't sugar coat the truth, and you sure can't lie.

You have to tell him exactly how you feel. Now, if he really likes you, he won't care. That's it. If this is a problem for him, then the relationship does not need to proceed. Not because of one person or the other, but because this would be two people who can't agree on intimacy. It's kind of a big thing in any love based relationship.

[Anonymous]

Being straight foward would help a lot, however if you can't you should be able to still cuddle him and such without him getting too heated, not all guys only have sex on their minds for one, and for two vjust telling him you want to wait awhile would probably help a lot. If you can't tell him then you're going to have some problems he won't get it if you just try to dodge him, and if you just stop cuddling with him and stuff he might get the wrong idea and feel hurt.