Why do girls go incommunicado after a good first date?

[ntulsian]

Two people meet on a dating website, exchange a few emails.

They meet for a quick coffee date and have pleasant conversation where both seem happy, compliment each other, talk about doing things together or going on more dates.

The woman volunteers her personal contact information and smiles and gives a goodbye hug.

The guy thinks everything is okay and takes things at face value.

Shortly after he writes or texts the girl with a simple message like "Enjoyed meeting you and look forward to seeing you again if you too felt the same way. Let me know."

And there's silence from the woman.

And repeat that endlessly with different women.

Even mentioning this scenario with them during the date doesn't dislodge whatever fear, discomfort or lack of communication skill the girl may have.

I have heard the standard 1-2 reasons girls have given me like "woman may be too cowardly to say the truth", "too afraid of rude reaction from rejected guy", "every woman is different".

It still doesn't make sense to get the same result from the gender that is constantly praised for it's ability to communicate and be compassionate and honest/truthful.

It's ironic since ALL women express their desire for a "honest man" and "open communication".

I wonder if the people in question ever think about their words and actions and are even partially introspective.

Thanks for reading and offering any insight or confirming what I already know.

Neeraj

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

Because apparently many of them (not all of course) expect us to do all the god damn work. They expect us to talk to them first, to ask them out first, to admit our love first, to pay first, etc. And then they expect us to do more. I.e. after it's over (the first date) to be the first to call. It's really f***ing frustrating and something we guys need to stop letting them get away with. Yes, we should be willing to do stuff first, but so should they. Getting sick of women who expect that they should get to sit around and just have it all happen for them instead of meeting us half way and helping with the process. Don't give women like that any time of day once you learn they are.

And I don't care what they say, if they want equality, they better start truly bringing equality. They demanded it in the political/business setting, we should demand it in the social setting cause we're getting screwed for the most part.

But ya, your case sounds like you should just forget her. Don't know what has happened since this appears to be a month old, but ya, if things worked out, great. If not, well forget her and move on.

[ntulsian]

You are correct, most women just sit around and wait for things to happen and don't even have to courtesy to say anything after a date. It is very unfair and sophomoric.

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

Yep, it's really f***ing annoying. Women are so damn immature but refuse to admit it. At least guys admit they're immature for the most part.

[Whistling_Dixie]

Take it easy Neeraj! You should not use the word 'cowardly' either. They're just trying to be nice to you and not to embarrass you. That's all! They are considering your feeling, even though they are not into you or finding out that you are not the right guy for them. Instead of being rude to you and left you standing there holding the bag, so to speak, they depart nicely. Be grateful! It happens all the time! It could be a lot worse! No worries! Move on!

[ntulsian]

Thanks for your reply.

I guess what one considers rude may be considered polite by me (to inform the other person of your true feelings and intentions).

[ap1100]

I feel the same way as the OP, but I guess I'm one of the few.

[ladygator81]

I will be completely honest: the silence is the response. Communication takes many forms, such as body language. There might be something you are not picking up on during that initial meeting. Is their entire body facing you? Are they leaning in and looking into your eyes? Are their arms folded and closed off, or is their stance more open? Think about if you were sitting at a bar and someone was next to you. If you weren't interested in listening to what they had to say, you wouldn't face them, you would look away. If you are listening and talking to them, you would turn to face them, your body's direction would change to match theirs. Next time pay attention to how they sit (if possible) and if they change positions to face you.

Also, don't look eager by texting them the next day, let the woman do that. I text or call a guy the next morning after a great date to let them know I had a good time and to encourage them to ask me out again. If I don't hear anything, I assume they didn't have a good time.

Good luck!

[ntulsian]

Thanks. I am aware of the body language issues you mention.

This brings up the question "girls are the ones who are supposed to be better communicators but why don't they communicate clearly in dating situations, and make the guys guess based on body language or whatever".

The other point you mention about not texting/calling the next day is actually the exact opposite of what happens. 99% of the girls will not call even if they had a good time and want to go out again.

[amgo55]

We are very cowardly when it comes to feelings truuust me. So when we don't like someone its very difficult to tell you that we don't like you, because after we just feel really really bad about it, so we hoped that you get the hint, I know very cruel and selfish in my opinion but we can't really help it.

However there are two choices for your question

1) She may bot like you and its being a coward about it.

2) She is playing hard to get to see how far you will insist or what you are going to do about it.

I would keep trying for a week and if it doesn't work forget her.

[ntulsian]

I agree. Even in day to day activities the girlfriends I've had validate your first statement.

Most will not say anything good or bad and I have to guess/read-the-signs/read-body-language

or ask every time as to how she is feeling. This is also true sexually, but thankfully many girls get more expressive when they let the inhibitions go.

[confusedgirl239]

Allright I'm going to give you the hard truth. She probably didn't actually like you, or think it would work out, but she felt like she should give you her contact info, and she didn't want any awkward moments like you asking for her info and her telling you no. that would just be mean. So, she gave it to you, but since she doesn't like you, she's not going to respond because she doesn't want to take things further, but was afraid to reject you on the spot. So, by her not responding, she's hoping that you will just forget about her, and move on.

[ntulsian]

Thank you. That makes sense.

[SlowSuccess]

in which crazy universe?

[r_slizzle]

Remember that one movie called "He's Just Not That Into You?" So maybe they're just not really into you. If I'm hanging out with someone I'm not really liking too much and I've got a fair amount of time left, I'll probably just be pleasant until the situation is over.

As for exchanging contact information, I've done that even when I had no intention of calling. It's a nervousness thing and a concrete way to end the situation for the present. Then the female can just avoid calls if she doesn't want to continue seeing you.

Women are generally more non-confrontational than men, but don't necessarily give up right away. Don't be too persistent either though - you have to read the situation and the person involved.

[ntulsian]

Thank you for your comments.

[blumercury]

yeah it seems like they just aren't that interested. You might think things are going well but the girls are just being nice. But if you say it's happening with so many girls then maybe it's you. Are you coming on too strong? Do you seem too eager and easily attainable? You also have to make sure that you don't talk about yourself too much during the date, but also don't just ask her question after question. don't always try to fill awkward silences with talking, try to treat the girl like a friend. you know how they say girls like bad boys? you don't have to be bad but you can be busy doing lots of activities so that you don't have a lot of time to meet her. And sometimes people don't realize they are doing this, but don't put yourself down. on a date you are kind of marketing yourself to the girl. you have to make yourself look like a treat that everyone wants, you know? Hopefully you'll have better dates soon. good luck. =)

[ntulsian]

Thank you. I really appreciate your helpful advice and I'll try to learn from it.

I do understand that the girls are not interested. The question I posed is about their lack

of communication about their decision and feelings.

Since women are the ones wanting a "honest guy" who can communicate his feelings etc. etc. I figured they would be able to live up to their own standards.

But I guess people can be hypocritical and illogical.

[blumercury]

yep. People usually don't know what they want. just take girls less seriously until you actually get serious with one.There's no point in asking why. People are just naturally selfish and always look out for number one so we should probably just do the same.

[chaseit]

I would say that these women just aren't that into you, but it's strange because they are giving you positive signs after your first meeting. Here are the only explanations that I can think of, and they aren't meant to be rude, I'm just speculating.

1. The woman didn't have a good time, hugged you to avoid an awkward moment, and gave you fake contact information.

2. The woman likes you only as a friend and isn't left an option to express that as a response to your message.

Try sending her something that doesn't require her to state her feelings immediately, have a conversation before asking to meet again.

I really don't know what's up with these girls, it's not cool to give mixed signals. Good luck!

[ntulsian]

Thank you for your comments. I agree with your speculation.

The information I've received in genuine 99% of the time (a printed business card etc.)

[bigblueeyes1]

Hey I saw this question and wanted to get your opinion. I too, met someone on a dating site, we just met in person today for lunch. Seemed to go great. He didn't pay for my lunch tho. He took the bill but then I asked if he'd like me to help and he said sure we can split it. He gave me a hug and all that. I texted him the same thing you did, saying I had a good time. He did text back and said he had fun and we should hang out again sometime, but for some reason...I just have a feeling he doesn't really mean this. So, if it was u, and you didn't really feel a connection, would you still tell the girl that you want to hang out again to spare her feelings?!. And maybe I'm one of the few, but I'm very honest. And if a guy would text me they had a good time, but I really wasn't interested, I would tell them. I would say "I'm sorry, but I don't think it will work between us"

[ntulsian]

No I wouldn't tell a girl I wanted to see her again unless I meant it.

When you say "for some reason" do you really mean "for no reason" ?

Don't you think you are just making things up when they don't exist.

[bigblueeyes1]

It's because he hasn't really talked to me since. I texted him tonight and asked how his weekend is going and he said good and asked how mine is, but that was it. And when I say for "some reason" its because o got the impression he was anxious to leave the date. Idk...if you were interested wouldn't you talk to her more?

[I_JUST_GOTTA_KNOW]

I agree with you I would much rather be straight forward with someone and tell them I just didn't feel the chemistry...I have even NICELY told someone why (he talked about his ex the entire time) so hopefully he would not make the same mistake twice. I wish guys were that straightforward...I would love to know why we don't click!

[binocc]

Simple, they are just not that into you. There are no rules to dating dispite what many people think, you just have to be you. Put yourself in their shoes, if you had a great time and got a text from the date saying they had a great time, would you not reply? If you don't reply why is this? Simple- because they are just not that into you.

Dispite me saying there are no dating rules, there is one thing I should tell you. NEVER EVER MENTION PAST RELATIONSHIPS OR DATES ON A DATE (unless they ask you). That really puts them off! (don't ever trust girls opinion on this bit)

[nikkikay]

Honestly speaking seeing as I have never done said scenario to a guy before I can't give you too much help their. I have however said maybe or I don't know or I'll think about it when a guy has asked me out instead of no, because I couldn't get the two letter word out of my mouth... so maybe your encountering a similar situation.

[ntulsian]

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

ok there are women like that and they are rude but not all women are like that. I know you might think that I am just protecting us but the girls like that are rude and heartless and even I don't know why some women do that.

[ntulsian]

I apperciate your honesty. I wonder how a vast percentage of women get to behave in identical ways ?

Maybe because they talk to each other and spread their thoughts so everyone starts being the lowest common denominator.

It's sad that rude or self-centered people are the rule rather than the exception.

[Opinion Owner]

yes it is sad and I don't think any guy deserves that.

[freezey]

Right Firstly a couple of slaps round the face for you.

1) "pleasant conversation" - Boring! You want her laughing till she falls off of her chair.

2) "Compliment each other" - NEVER compliment a woman unless you are dating...you give yourself away

3) "Talk about doing things or going on more dates" - no,no,no no no...Never plan these things, keep those plans to yourself, make the date adventurous, off the cuff, fun, unpredictable..keep her guessing..

4)"Shortly after he writes or texts the girl with a simple message" WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING? No make her guess, make her wonder, make her come to you...leave the messaging for a few days, let the first date marinate in her mind, let her think about you - give her time to miss you and want you, she may respond to you first..

*SLAP* *SLAP* *SLAP* (I'm doing this for your own good!) *SLAP* *SLAP* *SLAP* *SLAP*

[ntulsian]

Thanks, very funny, but not for me. :)

[emilyzenella]

ok well that would definitely freak a girl out if you do that like the same day or even before a week after the date. And Don't say "Do you like me?" or something weird like you said. just call (yes-actually call) and ask them if they want to go out again- have a plan ready on what you're going to do. and wait at least a week before even contacting them. girls don't like it when they think a guy is being to clingy or acting like a 14 year old. And ONLY contact her once. If you keep texting her or whatever when she doesn't contact you back, you'll seem so clingy and controlling.

[ntulsian]

Thanks but your advice is actually contrary to what most girls I know have expressed.

If a guy doesn't call within a day or two of the date they will expect he's not interested,

and they like a guy to be persistent, without being too overbearing.

[banana1993]

You don't know that. I am the most straight up girl in any relationship. I hate when people don't just express what they are feeling rather than letting it drag out. Some guys that do not act the same way I do. And let a relationship drag out, ending up with me getting really hurt. I think it goes both ways, you just have to meet the right person.

[sweet_18]

They want to be nice. But they just aren't that into you.

[ntulsian]

Thank you, I figured as much, that they are not into me.

I just don't understand why most girls don't have the courtesy to be honest.

After all they are the ones that are supposed to great communicators, sharing their feelings and asking for honesty from guys.

[sweet_18]

Well it's hard to reject someone because you don't want to hurt them and make them not like you

[ap1100]

But you are hurting them by treating them like a used tissue you throw away. It's just that by you ignoring, you don't have to feel badly. So it's about YOUR feelings, not the other persons

[Thelotuslily]

Some girls have this thing where they wait two to three days or even a couple of weeks before calling or texting to not appear "desperate" , or maybe the date wasn't as good for them as it was for you or as much as you thought.There's an endless amout of possibilities tho lol :)

[ntulsian]

Thank you for your reply, yes I agree there are many possibilities, and it's actually funny a few days after the fact.

[M_A_X]

She obviously didn't think the date was as great as you thought it was. I suggest you try and study up on psychology, so you can better understand people... I actually suggest that to everybody.

[ntulsian]

Thank you, I have studied some psychology but I doubt anyone in the world (including women themselves) can tell how the mind of a woman operates. This is not a negative comment, just a funny but true statement that we all have heard and said at one time or another.

[RockyHorror]

Sounds like she lost interest, find another girl, there is plenty of fish out there

[saragee27]

I agree with the comment below, she's avoiding conflict by not officially rejecting you. I

[ntulsian]

Thanks. However the question is "how can women accuse men of being bad communicators or unable to talk about their feelings, when the women themselves are like that or worse ?"

[saragee27]

You just didn't understand her rejection...

[Anonymous]

ugh, been there. And get this, we had a coffee date, he asks me out, I agreed. He ended up canceling on me last minute and asks me out again. And cancels again. And had the nerve to ask me out for a third time. WTF?

My conclusion? People are shady when it comes to online dating

[ntulsian]

Thank you for sharing your experience, but it is not relevant to this question.

[calmmie]

she thought you are the last guys alive who loves but then she found out that you are just another ego maniac who feel like he could be simpatico about the girl who look nothing. so she decided to become nothing at all. What's the big deal?

[ntulsian]

Thank you, but your comments don't make any grammatical sense to me.

[calmmie]

only if you have some heart but you don't.

[lillyilyxo]

yeah we are really scared

We don't want to seem clingy or pushy

[ntulsian]

Are you being sarcastic about "really scared" ?

I guess I don't understand what would make perfectly girls who seem normal to be be scared or feel so insecure.

[Anonymous]

instead of saying 'let me know' you should simply ask her out on another date! when I start dating a guy, I like him to make the first moves so I know that he's interested

[ntulsian]

If the girl doesn't reply to the email, or text message or phone call then it's hard to ask her out on a second date. That was the reason I asked this question.

[Opinion Owner]

i meant when you text her for the first time after the date. otherwise you're leaving it down to her, and I personally don't like that. you asked for a girl's opinion, I just gave you one.

[ntulsian]

You say to ask her out in the first text after the date.

That's the actual issue here is that there is no reply to any text or other messages.

I'm not leaving anything up to her. Almost all women are too passive to leave anything up to them, but that's beside the point.