My Heart is so broken, I feel numb?
I am still so hurt. There really isn't anything that I can do I guess. I decided to end my relationship with my boyfriend after a year because he says that he isn't ready to consider being married to me. The real problem is that although we share everything together, despite our distance relationship he has not mentioned a plan to bring us closer together, he continues to visit me here but that is where it seems to end. I discussed this months ago putting my hurt aside. I assumed since he constantly says he loves me and I know he ft in school he can't whisk me away . I did expect the commitment to evolve but it hasn't. I understand a year isn't a long time but we are both 40 & so much has happened we've spent the last year talking about everything and becoming extremely intimate. Now he says we are not compatible! I am walking around like everything is okay but I am such a wreck. I know he could do more to convince me that he wants to salvage our relationship but he isn't.
I know that I should just walk away but its so difficult. Tonight my heart broke again, I looked at the website for the resort he is going to without me in a few weeks. It is so beautiful, I began to cry softly then sob and then belted out so loud I scared myself, it was from so deep down inside my heart, I couldn't stop thinking, " How could he dream of experiencing something so beautiful and not even ask me if I would join him?" He still slips up in I'm and calls me honey and he says it hurts when I call him buy his name. I am so mixed up and trying to be strong. I didn't I'm him 10 minutes tonight although I wanted to talk much longer and fix this mess. I want to see his face and it really hurts not to. Instead out of frustration I told him that I was getting ready for bed so he said he wouldn't keep me up, that he just wanted to see how I was doing.? He then told me to have a nice weekend, its only Thursday night.
I just feel like such a fool!:(
What's Your Opinion?
Most Helpful Opinion
I know its hard and I know it hurts but it will get better.
Keep in mind, he blatantly told you he doesn't see himself marrying you, and has not mentioned a plan that includes bringing you closer together. After a year, your relationship should have at least progressed to a point where you have some idea of whether or not you want to be in someone's future or not. It looks like he decided, and unfortunately it isn't the answer you want.
Sometimes the people we love and see ourselves with, are not the ones who see themselves with us, marrying us, and committing to us. Its horrible, but it happens. I'm sure there have been many men who maybe secretly or not so secretly loved you, and you didn't feel the same back. You cannot completely blame someone for not feeling the same.
What you need to do, is to, yes, let yourself feel sad for a bit. Also, never tell yourself that its "too late" or that you will never find someone. Yes you will. It is nearly impossible to go your whole life, or the rest of you life with no one at any point. Do you really think that in 5 years you will still be completely alone, never having had ANYONE in that 5 years? You WILL meet people, you will find them attractive and want to get ot know them. Not all will work but you will get back out there.
Its hard now because you almost don't want to feel better. You feel like as long as you are mad you can keep your walls up and ensure it won't happen again. I know how you feel. But, its important you keep logical. You won't die, you will be happy again, and someone will make you even happier than this guy did.
What Guys Said 3
getting married is a really raw deal for men these days it offers us little but comes with huge risks and most men know this or are becoming aware so its really no in our best interest to uphold this broken institution. for men running around, falling in love and getting married is one of the riskiest things you can do with your life because if it doesn't work out there is a very real possibility of becoming an indentured servant or any number of other horrible things just because your partner is unhappy.
First off, you're no fool. You're human. Feel those emotions. The pain you feel now will eventually subside. But for the moment, just embrace it, accept it.
Most importantly, remember the good times you had together fondly, and smile at those good times. Let those emotions take over. And just remind yourself that you will feel those again, and that they could be round the corner.
Smile, it's always good to smile. You may not feel like it right now, but you will do, you'll see. In the meantime, you need to occupy yourself, distract yourself with a new hobby, activity, friends, dvd nights, cinema, dance classes. And then you will be able to look back at those great memories, and say that's what I can have! And that's what I will have.
You're a beautiful person for feeling emotion, and for being so earnest. Remind yourself how strong you are, and how much worth you have. Treat it like it is over already. Be pleasant with him, but give yourself a bit of space so your heart can take a breath. You never know, he may come running back, and then you will be able to have him on your terms and tell him if he ever does anything like that again, then it will be you walking away.
That pain can be so awful. In many ways it's worse than physical pain because there isn't much you can do to make it feel better. I was deeply in love with a girl I lived with who became self-destructive and was basically using me to pay the rent and other bills. She did love me but she was spoiled rotten by her parents. She moved back in with her parents but said she still wanted to see each other. A week after she moved out she decided all of a sudden that this other guy was her boyfriend, and she stopped talking to me altogether. Love's a cruel game.
What Girls Said 2
In our 40's, a year is a good amount of time to be able to determine if you are ready for a long-term commitment or not. We do know ourselves (usually) much better at this time in life and we know what we want in someone else. We also know when things are not going in the right direction.
You sensed, and sensed correctly, that he was stalled and not going to move to the next step. I know it hurts and all the details you give are the exact things we go through when we breakup. There is some level of continued contact that just ends up making us feel awful. There is the sadness over what we are losing. In the end, you did the right thing but for now take the time to grieve your loss. I wish you the best when you get through this, that you will find the guy who thinks you are amazing and will want to spend his life with you!
It's going to take some time unfortunately. It took me a long, long time to get over the pain of my ex boyfriend after dating for a year and a half. Talking about it helps but there are going to be nights where you cry, days where you're angry, moments you miss, and times when you ask "Why" but get no answer. You'll realize eventually he's not worth it, and you deserve someone much better who is serious. Unfortunately the waiting for that to happen is the worst part. But you have to do things for yourself that make you happy instead of sitting around wallowing in a gallon of ice cream. It'll be hard but you'll get better. Throw yourself into things you love to do, you'll get there.