He's ignoring me. How long until I accept that it's over?

[Anonymous]

It might be worth considering that my boyfriend is Japanese (25) I'm English (23). We have lived together for 2 years. He is supposed to be returning soon to resume study, as he's temporarily at home. This isn't the first time he has ignored me.

He went home a month ago which should have been for a couple of weeks to get a visa and some other stuff, saying he wanted to call me every day. At one point he ignored me for 5 days, during which I asked him why he was messing me around. He had been to get the visa and found out that he had to wait, and was so depressed, and couldn't bear to give me bad news, and thought I would leave him*** (see below) if he had to stay there. He felt guilty that he couldn't come back on the flight he had booked and have our anniversary.

I was supportive, we talked for four or five days every day after that.

One day he was whispering as he had just overheard his father say that he was being lazy all day.

I should explain that he has no money, and when he went home last year when his visa ran out, ***I handled the distance badly and tried to break up (which I'm not doing now). The last 2.5 weeks of him being in Japan he didn't talk to me at all. He had been arguing with his father who didn't want him to come here, and wouldn't give him the money. He never EVER talks about his problems and felt that if he told me, I would break up with him as I didn't like the distance.

He came back, everything was great.

After the time he was whispering, the next day he'd got some kind of a part time/short term job. I kept calling him the day after because he said he was going to come online and talk but didn't, and he's also said before that he'd like me to call more often and it not always be him. Fair enough, so I called 3 times and a woman picked up the phone, said something in Japanese and hung up. I felt sick immediately thinking he was with somebody, but minutes later he sent me a text message saying he was sorry he couldn't pick up the phone and he was at work and he'd call me after work that day. This was the last message I ever got from him and it was TWO AND A HALF WEEKS ago.

My friends and family try to explain that he's not the kind of guy to cheat, and I know in my heart he's not like that. I don't think that he is with somebody, although that's what my paranoia originally thought. He really is such a nice guy, and seems to shut down whenever he has a problem.

Everyone is telling me that he's got to stay in Japan because he has to work and earn money (being pushed by his angry father) and he can't bring himself to tell me because he never gives me bad news, and he is scared that I might leave him again.

However I sent him a nice e-mail a few days ago being supportive, explaining I can visit him if he can't come back as he believes I won't ever go to Japan. I called 4 times in the last couple of weeks, I don't bombard him.

Is he trying to break up with me? How long do I wait until I assume that it's over? Thanks!

Updates

+1 y

Sorry it's so long! Basically if anyone else behaves like this, you assume they want to break up. The only thing that makes me think he doesn't is that he's done it before, but he should be back by now. How long is too long if it's already been 2.5 weeks?

Updates

+1 y

I should add that we have an apartment together here full of his stuff, he is supposed to be coming back to finish studying AND he owes my parents money which I can't imagine him disappearing with forever! I am going to leave the apartment next week

[KikiSunshine]

You said he shuts down whenever he has a problem. So maybe he's just going through a rough time and really doesn't want to bring you down. Maybe he's having other problems over there? How did he know you had called if he was at work and the lady spoke Japanese and doesn't know you? I really can't say for sure if I think he's cheating but that sounds suspicious to me. Maybe you guys need to take a break because the fact that he's not calling you or returning your messages is just putting more distance between you guys. I don't think taking a break would be over reacting. It sounds like he needs to get things figured out and he could be stressing himself out more by ignoring you because he can't tell you what's really going on at home.

[Asker]

I am guessing that he knew I called because it was his mobile phone number that I called. It would seem that a boss/colleague was irritated that I had rung 3 times and eventually said something to the effect of "he's not here" and then told him I had called, and he sent the SMS saying he can't pick up, he's at work. He really just isn't that type to cheat.

I think somethings going on at home. I am just wondering how long is too long? It's going to be 3 weeks since I heard from him on Saturday.

[sueee]

What happened? Did you get an answer?

[Anonymous]

Well you know him better then anyone on here and it seems like he's got some bad new to tell you which is either he has to stay in Japan or he wants to break up/met someone else. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is wait for him to reply to your messages and calls. But I have to say I find it strange that he knew you called (when the woman picked up) and responded to you right away even though he was at work. Also, if he did have to stay in Japan I would assume he would tell you this after the email you sent. So it seems to me he's thinking to break up and doesn't want to tell you. But it is also possible that something else has come up and he is scared to tell you.

[Asker]

I guess she told him that his phone kept ringing, and I think they're very strict in Japan about phones at work, so he sent me an SMS quickly to explain, knowing that I would worry.

Maybe I should worry about it. but he just does NOT seem like that kind of guy, everybody thinks he is crazy about me, and I've also jumped to conclusions before when he's been at home not speaking to me, when I thought he was with somebody and it turned out I was totally wrong and took me 4 months to realise.

[faerie]

So you know deep down he won't cheat, but he knows deep down you will worry, just let him know you are worried about him and about the relationship and ask him just to let you know that everything is okay between you and him and that he's in fine health, even if it's just a yes, yes.

[Asker]

I e-mailed him 10 days ago saying it seems like he wants to break up. I've assumed we broke up last time he was silent and he was devastated and cried. I think he thinks I will be angry, and says he doesn't want me to worry about him (so hides his problems) so what is the best approach? He says if he's not fine, he doesn't say anything. He doesn't seem to like being at home and doesn't feel it's his place anymore and wants to come back.How much longer until it becomes obvious that we have split?

[Anonymous]

Being Japan, there's a good chance that his family is trying to lean pressure on him to break up with you. A foreign girlfriend / boyfriend is not smiled upon by traditionalists. If he's having to lean on his parents for support as a NEET or something, then he may be having to compromise.

Japan is also a shame-based society. When someone feels that they have done something wrong or are being pressured to feel guilty they are more likely to withdraw from people who might make them feel ashamed. Be supportive and let him know that it's more important to you to know if something is wrong than to be "protected" from it (which is really protecting himself from shame).

????!

[Asker]

Thanks for your reply. As far as I know, his family supports our relationship, sending gifts to me and such, but perhaps his father thinks he only wants to come here to mess around with me? I emailed him being very supportive (saying don't feel guilty if there's money problems etc) 10 days ago. So I guess he wants to break up with me - is it to do with shame? He can't bring himself to say he doesn't love me anymore? Is that normal in Japan to break up like that? Just disappear suddenly? :(

[Opinion Owner]

Sometimes things just end this way. It's easier to duck your head or procrastinate than to face someone you're hurting. I hate to say it, but there's been this much time lapse with no communication at all, then it's likely that he's dumped you the coward's way, letting distance and inaction do the job for him. Sorry.

[Asker]

I guess so. I don't understand why he didn't end it one of the last times we talked, he even said "i never want to break up with you" because he was worried I was splitting up due to a misunderstanding. It's not like he hadn't had the chance. I guess it's over but how do I get over it with no reason or goodbye? Does it mean he never loved me if he can just suddenly disappear like I mean nothing to him and with no change in behaviour? How can I trust anyone again, it's not like he had changed.

[Opinion Owner]

I wouldn't say he never loved you. I wouldn't say that he doesn't feel miserable about it, and I doubt you meant nothing to him. But he still made the choice. It's terrible that you won't have closure for a very long time. You've still got his stuff, so he can't avoid you forever unless he's willing to give it all up, but being across the ocean makes it so easy to justify putting that off forever which becomes the same thing. I don't know what to say. Sorry for what you're going through.