Why can't I stop thinking about her, even when she dumped me?

[Anonymous]

Very long story short...Dated this girl, I tell this girl I love her, she wants to be friends. She says she wants me to be in her life, but then starts dating someone weeks after dumping me, and I haven't heard from her since.

Two months and 3 holidays later I still cannot stop thinking about her. I knew she used me until she didn't need me anymore but I still can't get over her. She tells me one thing but then does something completely different. I'm sick of feeling like this for someone who I though liked me but clearly wanted nothing to do with me. All these questions pop up and I never seem to find the answer. Why was I the one who was easily thrown away and why did she used me? I know this sounds dumb but will she ever come back? Does she even think about me?

[Marauder]

Dude! Stop! It's sooooo over. You need to move on. Pick up what's left of your dignity, get back out there and find someone else. Stop waiting by the phone for a call that will never come. Quit beating yourself up thinking about what you did wrong, or what you can do to get her back -- that will never happen.

Move on, right now. Go out with your homies to the bar and start hitting on every chick that moves. Get a hobby. Start playing a sport. Work on your career. KEEP BUSY. Whatever you do, though, don't ever call, text her, or try to "bump into her" at places you know she will be at.

Dude, today. Right now. Look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself -- believe -- that it's time to move on.

And as far as what went wrong? She didn't use you. You spooked her by saying you were in love way too early in the relationship. I've done it myself before. And it never fails: Bye bye. Game over. You took the challenge away from her. Also, her saying she wants you in her life equals two things: "I don't want to feel bad that I had to end it," and "I'm gonna keep you around as an option." But not an option that would benefit you in anyway. An "orbiter" option. Orbiter meaning you would wait around for her, always being there to feed her ego and need for attention.

It's tough, I know. Falling in love and having it ripped away sucks -- totally. You sound like someone who has completely lost their confidence, which is probably what she liked about you in the first place. Get it back. BE A MAN. Get back out there, find someone, and do it right next time. Learn from this experience and use it to strengthen your next relationship. You can do it. I have faith in you, just like I have faith in all my fellow man-brethren. Just pick yourself up today and do it. You'll thank yourself for it.

[30sGal]

Hahaha! This was fabulous! Very passionate and honest.

[Marauder]

Thanks. I wouldn't have been so passionate if I hadn't already been there myself -- many times -- in the past.

[PsychMike]

I love what you've written here, it is totally true. One comment about the confidence part at the end. This happens a lot to guys in relationships. They lose their confidence because they feel like they need to be submissive to their women. This is what you don't want to do. Women want a man to be strong and protect them. If you start acting submissive and let them run the relationship, they will be unattracted by that and be more likely to stray away.

[Marauder]

Thanx, Mike. We, as men, need to prop each other up from time to time. Know what I mean? I think you do. Keep on playin', and make sure you get the best -- of them -- and not vise-versa ...

[Mahalko]

I guess this has all to do with the fact you never had a proper closure..And now you keep trying and trying to understand what happened and why it happened. The tough part of this question is to realize that most often, there simply is no reason..I can be completely wrong here, but I bet you're getting more preoccupied with the reasons for the breakup, than with the girl herself. I also don't think that if she'd ever come back, you'd feel the same about her - you probably won't, as much as you'd like to believe it now still..

Some people simply don't want to get into deep relationships - fear of commitment, need to feel a certain 'freedom' or just for the game of 'hunting' - some may not even realize what kind of person they are or how much hurt they can leave behind.

So if you ask me, stop wondering - there's nothing to wonder about, we will never know the reasons why we (as human beings) lie, cheat, hurt. Surround yourself with other people, to help you relativate what happened, don't let this wondering consume you - she probably has no idea and doesn't think about it either. She's not the person you thought she was. And maybe she's not the person she thinks she is either..(it's called being immature). Keep yourself in shape for the next girl who clearly shows she loves you.

Yes I know it's easy enough for me to say - and again I could be wrong! - but try not to waste time pondering and wondering why she acts this way - or any person for that matter..don't take it personal either - it happens all the time..sorry really..

[jaycee777]

Hun, I don't know what your relationship was like, were you contacting her all the time? Were you maybe a little too clingy? If so, I would respect where she is, and if you can, try to be her friend, maybe start out with asking her to go for a coffee, say for only 1/2 hour, don't make it long, and don't go into it with expectations that she will come back, but if you do this and show confidence and like you are getting on with life, please make sure you don't give any indication that you want her back... then after that, back off, and wait for her to contact you.. if you hear nothing after a week, see if she wants to catch up for a day trip somewhere... and JUST be her friend, do not fall into the trap of if she wants to sleep with you, then go home with her, you want her to be in a relationship withyou, so if this comes up and she wants to sleep withyou tell her you don't do casual sex anymore... and leave it at that, ifyou show her you are happy with your life in general, and spend fun times with her, not talking about relationships, she more than likely will come back, but you have to keep working on your own life, and have other things to do.. best of luck.

[30sGal]

She just didn't feel the same way that you did. She isn't trying to hurt you...she's being human. Most people don't want to hurt anyone on purpose so we lie. We say something to soften the blow...like she still wants you in her life. She's moved on - you need to do the same thing.

Getting over someone is really hard but you will move passed this. Stop dwelling on it really isn't going to get you anywhere. Forget about whether she'll come back. You need to get out there again and see that she really isn't the only girl in the world. No you won't find someone right away but at least it will help you open your mind and have some fun.

One day you will wake up and you won't think about her - that will be a great day! Guard your heart for a little while it needs to mend. Good luck.

[Asker]

I guess what makes it hard is that it was so quick after me...like I meant nothing to her. I just don't give my heart to anyone. It's been a long time since I've told a woman that I loved her and I finally think I found someone, she crushes me and moves to the next one. Just tired of being alone again.

[30sGal]

I understand where you're coming from. We've all had our heart broken at some point. It's painful and harsh but we get through it. Sometimes 2 people just aren't meant to be. No one wants to be alone (some people say they do...they're lying too). We all want to feel loved and give love and to have someone that knows you better than you know yourself sitting next to you rocking in a chair on the porch when the grandchildren come over. It will happen for you...patience is a virtue.

[asnchic118]

It sounds like this girl is not into serious relationships. Its not you she's just probably a girl who just wants a fun relationship with no strings attatched. I'm sure she probably thinks about you here and there because you were once in her life. But I would say if she used you she isn't even worth thinking about. I don't blame you because when you do love someone it hurts to know that they kind of screwed you over. Don't worry many girls want to be loved and want a serious relationship and I'm sure you will meet a girl who wants what you wants. THis girl seriously sounds messed up and no one wants to get screwed over. Let her go and move on. There's plenty of girls out there. GOOD LUCK!

[Anonymous]

You are thinking about this the wrong way. She was bad to you, she treated you like you didn't matter and threw you away. I know it hurts and you really cared about her, but this didn't happen because you were not good enough, it happened because she is not the person you thought she was. She is a b#tch for what she did to you and you have to keep thinking that to move on. She probably just didn't want to be alone and that is why she went out with you until. You were just there so it wasn't your fault it didn't work out.

[Marauder]

She's not a b#tch. He just didn't play the game right. It's not her fault that he killed the attraction. But he needs to learn from this, and use it to make sure it never happens again. Because it will if he doesn't change his ways.

[Asker]

Actually she is because she dragged me along for almost a year, brought me into her family, hell...her father wanted me to go hunting with him. I would be playing the game right if I wasn't being led on for that long of a time. If this was some broad that I've only started to talk to with no emotional attachment involved, then yes I would agree with you 100%, but I spent a good portion of a year with this girl who made me feel like there was something more.

[Marauder]

OK, fair enough. She's a b#tch.

[tex151]

You see this is why I have very little respect and I don't trust women to save my life. Doesn't that just piss you off so much you just wanna punch her in the face? I encountered a situation similar, I was dating a girl were in college and we went on holiday break and she now she's with some other dude. My advice find a new chick don't think about her anymore, does she still think about you maybe but not like you want her to. Next time never say I love you before she does or unless you have already slept with her.

[Marauder]

Dude! " ... punch her in the face?" Totally un-cool, man. His example is just one of many concerning the man-woman dichotomy. Hurting the other is not a reasonable answer. In his case, it's just better to move on ...

[tex151]

Ok take out punch her in the face and insert dick slap her hoe ass. I didn't mean literally punch her in the face, why would you want to bloody your knuckles or burn your gas having to drive her to the hospital. No but on a serious note when women do that it makes you alittle angry just saying.

[808girl]

honestly I would just move on actions speak louder than words... from my point of view she'll probably come running back to you when everything starts falling apart and nothing is going her way... and when it does happen tell her that she had her chance and that you've moved on.. and she probably just used you as a rebound and wasn't emotionally attached to you...