The truth about nice guys and why girls may reject and/or overlook them. Your thoughts...?

Question

I'm sure you've all seen the tremendous amount of guys coming here borderline complaining about how girls don't like nice guys. Right, girls hate nice guys. We just want a jerk to make us feel terrible about ourselves, to string us along and toy with our hearts. There is no more desirable guy than a jerk who treats us like crap and we just hate nice guys. If you're not picking up on the sarcasm, then there's something wrong there.

Here's some reality for you nice guys...

A guy is not entitled to a wonderful woman simply for being nice. Nice guys need to recognize that and step up their game when it comes to dating potential. I'm tired of hearing nice guys say "Girls don't want nice guys. Girls use nice guys" Simply just being a nice guy is not going to make a girl fall head over heels for you and want to give you her all. If you're nice and boring, that niceness loses it's worth. If you're nice, but you lack charm and intelligence, that niceness decreases in value. If you're nice but your physical appearance looks a hot mess, it's going to be difficult for a girl to even be attracted to you in a romantic or sexual way. Face it. It’s true. So dig deep and be honest with yourself: what’s the real reason you can’t seem to get a girl because I can assure you it’s not solely based on you being a nice person.

After coming to GAG and seeing how "nice guys" (who get really mean and whiny when things don't go their way) express themselves, I'm starting to believe they work so hard to be nice because deep down they are very aware that they're lacking in other areas of self. So they try to compensate that by being nice and when their "nice guy crutch" fails them, they want to get upset and run to GAG, complaining about how girls don't want nice guys.

Your thoughts? Are "nice guys" really just using that played out line to excuse the true reason as to why they struggle with women? What is your opinion on this topic?

kholland65 · Accepted Answer

To a point, yes, some men do feel entitled to a pretty women, but not necessarily just for being nice. Men have been fed lots of BS from the media, movies, tv, girls, their parents, etc. about what girls like and want, one of which being a "nice guy". When a man dresses nice, has a good job, ambitions, is outgoing, and treats a women with respect, it only seems logical that girls should want to date him cus that's what we're told. However for females, attraction is not measured by things on paper. When people refer to nice/bad boys, it encompasses an entire personality, not just they things he says directly to a girl. So in other words yes, when we are taught to be a girls prince charming, yet she falls for the servant, you get rather frustrated and confused.

I agree that some portion of the nice guys, are just not attractive. They don't know how to talk to a girl, they have no sense of fashion, they are boring, etc. But not all nice guys are like this. Not to sound self centered but I'll use myself as an example. I have very comfortable around women. I know how to flirt, I'm outgoing, have lots of friends and know how to have a good time, I dress well (girls tell their bf's to dress like me), I'm told I'm attractive by girls, I work out, I have a very well paying job, I'm funny, I'm an accomplished musician, I'm kind, I always go out of my way to help my friends. I have a lot going for me but I will admit I'm a nice guy and not a bad boy. I'm the guy who drives the drunk girl home from the party, gives her advice about her problems, tells her she's pretty when she is feeling down, yet as soon as she pick their head up, the girls go back to their sloppy, lazy, a**hole boyfriends. To put it simply, on paper, I'm the perfect boyfriend (which must be why people always ask me in disbelief "how are you still single").

It comes down to one thing. Women unlike men are more emotional. They make emotional decisions and that includes dating. Men oddly enough reason out who they date. We will go through the pros and cons of dating a girl. Not to say we are emotionless, but just because we feel a spark doesn't mean we want or will date her and vice verse. A women doesn't know why she likes a guy, she just does. Certain things, get a women's blood pumping. Its basically alpha male like qualities. However in today's society, most alpha male traits are either confused for or are inherent in guys who are also jerks/losers (i.e.The guy who is an a**hole also appears dominant). While women do say things like money, respecting them, dressing nice, etc. are important, in reality those things have no effect on a women's emotions and therefore attraction level. Its the guy's personality that attracts females, and that type of personality is usually found in guys who "also" exhibit negative or "jerk" like traits. In other words women are not attracted to jerks explicitly, they are attracted to qualities inherent in jerks and absent in nice guys.

OpenClose · Accepted Answer

First of all, stop calling them "nice guys". That's the biggest setback of all.

There's a difference between being a good guy and ACTING nice. The guys you speak of are usually only nice because they're afraid to be themselves.

Second of all. It's certainly confusing as hell when you put in all the effort to show your respect, and that effort is ignored and lazy narcissism is preferred. That's what frustrates the most of them. The world punishes them for trying to be good men.

In my opinion, nice guy / Jerk is a dangerous dichotomy that shouldn't exist. It tells girls that those are their only two options, and throws in a ton of stereotypes about guys who are respectful, while admiring and rewarding some of societies lowest members.

What we need to focus on talking about are the actual traits themselves. Traits like self-image and independence. Traits that are independent of how the man shows respect. Because if we think that only the worst guys are datable, what you'll get is a growing proportion of jerks.

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But actually, I'll just post a few links for those interested. This really is an interesting and misunderstood topic:

Girls at GMP talking about the subtle characteristics they're attracted to.

link

My blog post about this subject, to take my explanation more in-depth.

link

Here's a bit on how the dynamic has played out in some places:

link

loveisbeautiful · Accepted Answer

I don't mean to be argumentive, but I think you're wrong!

I also think that statements like " I'm starting to believe they work so hard to be nice

because deep down they are very aware that they're lacking in areas of self", are not

very helpful. And it's also very insulting to the nice guy's that are actually nice because,

that's who they are! When did somebody being nice, become a front for "lack of self",

so every nice person walking around is only nice to hide the fact that they have things

that there lacking in? That makes absolutly no sense to me what so ever!

Here's the thing, you and other women might think a guy is being nice because "he's aware

of all that's lacking", but as I said, maybe he's just a nice a guy and maybe when those nice

guys come on here to let off a little steam, maybe they just feel angry in the heat of the moment

and just want to rant and rave and just get it all off there chest. I mean isn't that the whole

point of this website, I mean isn't meant to help people with there problems? So, tell me

how is this question helpful? Cause, frankly I'm kind of afriad that a bunch of perfectly good

nice guys are going to read this and then question themselves and feel they need to become

somebody else in order to get the girl and that's so wrong, on so many leavels!

See, you don't even know probably 90% of the good guys who come on here, so how

do you know that there lacking in anything. Maybe that just haven't found the right girl ! Okay

I'm done ranting!

starrydaisy · Accepted Answer

Very well written. First, who says nice guys would ever equals to being a boyfriend material? Note that nice guys do not equals to gentlemen. Answerers here argue that writer insulted the truly nice guys. Note that the 'truly nice guys are called gentlemen.' Nice guys is a false label to this group of people described by writer.

I've noticed a few characteristics of 'nice guys.'

1) They have low self-esteem. Trying to become anyone else except themselves just to please someone. They lost the first quality, confidence, which is the sexiest thing in men.

2) They play the victim game. They continuously label themselves as victim because they do not fight back or speak up for themselves. Then they become tired over time, and complaint or generalize that girls are b*t*ch.

3) They care too much about other people's feelings but in fact no one bothers if they don't care. It's annoying when someone continuously ask you: ''what are you doing? am I disturbing you?'' ''can I ask you a question?'' ''are you angry?'' ''I hope I don't bother you'' Instead of saying THANK YOU

4) They worry too much. About how people will see them, how people might label them, how people might think of them.

5) They are not honest or direct to themselves. They want to be nice all the time but unfortunately sometimes they are hurt and are not able to follow their heart.

Note that this list is just a reference. I do not mean that every 'nice guys' are like that.

Mercury1 · Answer

American women themselves are toxic, hateful, selfish, and spoiled rotten with a terrible attitude. American women themselves are immensely violent in their toxic hearts. Roughly 98% of American college women are even in gangs, most commonly MS-13, Los Zetas, Latin Kings, Gangster Disciples, and Four Corner Hustlers. They themselves are entertained by massacres, terrorist bombings, drive-by shootings, armed robberies, they love watching strangers die. And thank goodness American women are as of yet too scared to actually do shootings themselves, otherwise even the safest, most rural small towns would have about 25 shootings a day.

That is exactly why nice guys are rejected. Especially in America. And that is exactly why American women go for violent gang bangers, serial killers, cop killers, terrorists, armed robbers, guys that are covered in MS-13 and Nazi tattoos, even prison inmates. And in fact, the biggest reason more American women than ever are dating prison inmates is that those guys are hardened by prison and would even shoot and murder police officers to stay out of prison. Even if it means a massive military lockdown. Those women literally want cop killers and would-be cop killers. The guy faces arrest for committing another crime, and the woman wants him to be tough enough to cause big enough pandemonium that even the FBI, Homeland Security, and the United States Military is involved in addition to about 75 SWAT teams. Those women want a man who would have to be taken down with immediate maximum lethal force if he got caught by law enforcement.

CaptainA99 · Answer

I think that the main problem here is that guys recognize that girls choose the jerks more often than not for certain things in certain age groups than the nice guys. I think that some of these "nice guys" may lack in certain areas that causes them grief with girls but for the most part what I have seen is that girls will fall much more easily for the jerks, whether or not they are completely aware of what they are getting themselves into. Again, coming from experience, it seems that most girls know full well that they are getting with a jerk, but don't seem to care. So basically, "nice guys" have a reason to complain, and it's not always because they feel like they deserve the girl, but more that the girl knows better and shouldn't be getting with a jerk in the first place. At least, that's how I see it. And as for the "bitches and jerks" presenting themselves like gold, that is very shallow for people to latch onto, and if girls and guys are attracted to those type of surface-level qualities, then those girls and guys aren't worth anybody's time.

circlebill · Answer

To the Anonymous QA - You seem to have a tremendous chip on your shoulder! In reading through your posts on this page, you seem determined to dump on nice guys! To listen to you, all nice guys are just stupid, spiteful sub-humans! It's possible you just never actually met a man who was a genuine nice person. You're lilisted in the 18-24 age group. You're young and obviously full of yourself! You've got a lot of gall! I'm sorry miss, but gall is not wisdom! You and a couple of others on this page have projected a lot of superfluous intellectual garbage on the very simple concept of a "guy" who is "nice"! Being an actual nice guy is not the problem! And you need to stop pretending otherwise!

And you seem to be so worried about defending girls who choose a jerk! A jerk is simply a man who doesn't care about others. That's NOT a nice person! If a girl willingly chooses a jerk, SHE IS A FOOL! She may be naive, she may be immature, she may be hormonal as well! SHE IS STILL A FOOL! And she cannot be taken seriously as a genuine adult! Jerks are quite happy to take advantage of her foolishness! And this is NOT the fault of a genuine nice guy that she chose to reject!

You need to get that silly chip OFF your shoulder and deal with REALITY! I understand a lot of single women 30 or older want to keep their sexual history hidden from financially stable nice guys that they hope to marry! They might be worried that their prospective marriage target may not like the idea of a wife who had 20 or 30 (if not more) previous bad boy-jerk sex partners! QA, don't sit there and pretend that all the trouble is the nice guy that many women don't seem to want until after her biological clock goes off!

Anonymous · Answer

I had this problem for a few years. I dress well, got abs, quiet a lot of muscle on me, and always well groomed. My female friends describe me as "tall dark and handsome" ( which I think is slightly over stated, just because I'm their friend )

But the moment I gave up, and stop caring, and started treating girls quiet badly. Not getting angry, or demanding things, that's not in my nature, but just saying what I thought about everything. Teasing and pointing out things that would embarrass her.

So I became extremely blunt, stop looking for a relationship, and just went around looking for a good time, and laugh.

I'm not sure if it's because I started talking more due to the joking around. But the attention I started getting in the last year a lone is amazing.

Every now and then I would return to my "nice guy ways" but it would be just one little act, which seems to make girls more interested, as they try and get you to be nicer, but I never do, until I feel like it.. which isn't often.

jeremythedrummer · Answer

Well, i am frankly, frightened by your criteria of an ideal man. To be charming , intelligent, adventurous, have good facial features or and physique, is too much of a list for me to work on. Sure, i have some level of charm, intelligence, charisma and wit, but its not enough, apparently. Also given my naturally non-good look and short physique, i find these qualities quite difficult to adhere to, all at once.

I dont expect my potential dates to be "charming , adventurous, have an hourglass shape", among other criteria. That is because i understand that not everyone can adhere ; in fact most people cannot. Its the same for girls' expectations of guys. Most guys do not have or display all the characteristics desired by a girl, simply because it is not their nature. Eg, some guys are just not charming, some do not look good, some dont have a good sense of humour. And many of these factors are extremely difficult to learn.

This is precisely why i dont expect too much of anyone i would date. I just want them to be trustworthy, expressive, considerate and with an average physique. And i know that even these may be too much for some girls, so i leave some leeway.

Maybe thats why nice guys are so upset, because they try to compensate in whatever way they can for the areas they lack in, but their efforts go unrecognised at times.

Not to say that nice guy=worthy, but i think we need to cut them some slack because their behaviour should not constantly be blamed on them, and it should be realised that the "ideal man" or "ideal woman" doesn't exist. No one is perfect.

And seeing that more females are starting to have this list of requirements for men they deem suitable... i think im better off single. Their expectations are too much for me to handle.

Anonymous · Answer

You do have some good points there but the reason why I think nice guys can't get laid is because they let everyone walk over them. A real man shouldn't allow that, so a nice guy is like a bitch you tell him to go fetch that and hè does it. There is no dominance in that and there is no reason any girl should date them. The nice guys that actually get married, their wife is most likely to cheat on them (personal experiance). The girl becomes the 'male' and the guys becomes the 'female'.

Nice guys are opposite of what men should be.

What girls need is a gentleman not a 'nice' guy and not a jerk. For some reason everyone on gag thinks its either guys are nice guys or jerks.

Nomoremrniceguy · Answer

Yep, I agree 100% with this... checkout the articles I posted from Robert Glover.

Stop being a fake "nice" guy.. the reason girls don't like you for being nice is because its a bullsh*t facade. No one is super nice all the time, and its unhealthy to pretend you are.

Nice guys put women on pedastools and suck up to them and think they are being so nice, but then they harbor rage because these girls don't do what they expect...

Anonymous · Answer

I think there's a huge misconception on what a nice guy is nowadays. Here's how I see it;

The guys that try to use being nice or acts of kindness to attract a girl isn't a nice guy in my book.

A guy that is generally nice is the type that is not worried about whether a girl will notice his acts of kindness or not. The self-less type that notices -what else- makes women attracted to them. Being nice is just -one- of the attributes women want in a man, not the only one. It's rather narrow-minded thinking and insulting to hope women are that easy to attract IMO. We actually nice guys don't ever finish last. We're usually the ones that are noticed by our actions instead of our words. I don't think most of the guys complaining here really care about being a nice guy. Just wanting a nice girl and thinking that they're attracted to the same thing. Anyway, just my opinion.

Anonymous · Answer

I agree with you except in one point. I actually do not think those "nice guys" realize that their behavior is a result of something else missing in other areas of their self.

I am also a bit impressed that a girl actually understands this as well as you do. Most girls not even acknowledge this actually happens.

shumailkazimi · Answer

mostly guys question that why girls are not after smart guys (guys who are good looking,nice,intelligent)

n the answer came from the girls sides like this:we want guys with bad looks since they won't go newhere,we don't want guys with good looks since we feel insecure(they feel that this guy will get girl netyme)...i personally feel that girls are quite insecure wen it comes to dating a guy who is multi talented i.e. intelligent, handsome ,gr8 physique ...as for the guy who is only nice as far as I know their marriages have been very successful I mean okaay some adventure is good but comparatively nice guy(without good looks and good body) is netyme better than a flirt one night stand guy

Robertcw · Answer

It recently occurred to me that niceness is not one of the criteria that turns on a woman sexually.

It just doesn’t. Here’s why this is a problem. Ask any woman ever what she wants, what does she say? ‘Kind, funny, sweet, charming.’

Too bad these don’t work like this girl said.

What they actually want:

1. Symmetric faces.
2. Low body fat percentage.
3. Money.
4. Quick Witt.
5. You to have friends.
6. Athletic body type.
7. Social acceptance by society or an emphatically unjust discriminated against by society.
8. Desire to please sexually via doing actions without asking permission and without being incompetent.
9. Sexual experience.
10. Be over 5’10” or at least the same height or taller.

superstretch · Answer

well I am a nice guy for the most part lol I treat girls with respect and really spoil my girls when they come around my physical appearance is great I am in the military and I am 6 foot 4 tall right kinda skinny looking but I am very toned I have seen stuff like this before where nice guys never seem to get anything to me they are not adventurists not enough mysteries when a girl wants to settle down she will look for that kind of guy but why we are all young adventure the un explained the charm plays a huge roll and hell they can both turn into great people and grow up, I am 21 I go out have a good time I pick up a different girl almost every 2 weeks well except for this deployment lol. but yeah nice is nice but that's not really what girls look for when we are young lol. first impressions mean everything. nice shoes lets fck :)

Pete671 · Answer

I got sick of constantly being rejected by western women so married a Filipino lady, just couldn't be bothered with the dating game any longer,,,
We lead a simple life, can't be bothered with clubs and bars, funny thing is, I was once asked by a female friend "you're such a nice guy, why you didn't find an English girl if you wanted to settle down?"
My response - "would you settle with someone like me?"
Answer - "oh no, you're too nice"
I really do appreciate the female mind is a labyrinth of inconsistency, but even that one has me baffled!!!

ihatetakingcharge · Answer

which is why I like to say girls have it easier, they don't need to do that much in order to attract a guy, because they can attract, get a guy without having to say anything at all, because we guys instantly get attracted from the moment we see you girls.

zolly9999 · Answer

I agree with you 100%.  I'm sick of all the whiners on here. Or all the down votes I get cause I'm able to get women and they can't. If your not getting what you want maybe you have the problem and not everyone else.  Maybe they should step back and and figure out what they are doing wrong and fix it!

Anonymous · Answer

Well. I would be that "nice guy". The difference with the classic nice guy is I used to apologize a lot when they rejected me and didn't push for more. I took things as they were my fault for some bone deformities and having trust issues due to my past. Which usually prevents me from connect sexually or romantically with women. I do my fair share of work with doctors, therapists and gym coaches. I don't complain about how women feel about me. I do feel I have had a really bad luck with life circumstances and sometimes I feel very down when even though I have been working on things for years, I only received rejection. I don't feel entitled to anything. I just tend to go home and lie on my bed for some days when it happens. Mostly because I just feel all the effort I do to improve as a person is almost useless. I keep working on things, and when I can find inner strength again I try to meet other people again.
That's my story... What do you think of it?

JayCasper777 · Answer

Nah...
Women like bad guys when they're young.
They like nice guys when they older.

Niceness isn't a hot commodity.
Doesn't matter why, just understand that most women won't appreciate it as much as other features.

Nice guys finish last, like at least 80% of the time. It's not because they unattractive it's because they're nice and the women they dealing with don't appreciate that.

Iv been nice, iv been nasty. Nasty works, nice doesn't. It's just that simple.

scar1 · Answer

its true that most of the most attractive people are deuces (in both genders) but it is well known the being the being a nice or good guy is minus points. also a lot of self proclamed nice guys (especially on gag) prove to be deuce bags aswell, they just try to hide. wich I think is worse. I completely agree though "the nice person" thing happen just as much with both genders and yet guys seem to be unable understand, wich is ironic since its usually girls that have a hard time using thier brains

ARWINGx1 · Answer

After reading this, I feel that I may be among these stereotypes. To compensate for my weaknesses.

I only have 2 that I can confirm/be sure of, though.

The first, being that I've been told (by a few) to be selfish.

The second is being emotionless (and being autistic, it'd probably exacerbate that flaw.)

ladsin · Answer

well I mean nobody is entitled to anything, just like how girls complain that they always get d*** guys and they leave them... they don't deserve to have that guy  you know? so ya I agree though the only ones we can blame when were unhappy is ourselves XP

The truth about nice guys and why girls may reject and/or overlook them. Your thoughts...?

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