I can't bring myself to approach girls

[loxagos_snake]

I was in a 2 year long relationship with my first love -also my first sex partner-, and we broke up 5 months ago. I was in love with her, but in the last months of our relationship I started being curious about how it would be with other girls -she was the only girl I managed to have a relationship with, so I lacked the experience of what other girls where like. We didn't break up about that, we fought a lot, but when we did, the only thing that made me a bit happy was that I was free to meet other girls now, thinking that now I'd never be afraid to approach them.

And how wrong was I. Shyness is hardwired into my brain, it seems. It's not like I tremble or get extremely anxious when I want to approach a girl, I worked this out. I can also work the confidence to look at her eyes and smile. I just don't know what to say, how to start a conversation, since a simple 'hi' doesn't justify why I'm there, or doesn't make things that interesting. And buying a girl a drink before meeting her first is not my style; to me, it's like trying to buy the girl's interest. I prefer to meet her, then buy her something out of kindness and as a 'thank you' for the time we had together.

I don't know if it's a confidence problem. I try my best at that, too. I interact with many girl friends, with girls at work, girls at university etc. Most of the time, I am well perceived by girls I meet, at least, they invite me out and stuff, but it's usually not girls I'm interested in romantically. I'm also better at accepting rejection, so I don't know if that get's in the way. Last but not least, I regained my interests after the relationship: I started kickboxing, and not only do I love it, but it also works wonders on my fitness.

All in all, I think I'm well equipped to approach a girl. For some reason though, I can't set out to do it! I get nailed to the ground and I don't know what to say to her! What else can I do to manage that?

[SouthernMan]

Drink buying is normally not a good idea, at least upon first meeting a girl; sometimes it has a positive effect but normally it shouldn't get you anywhere (if you aren't interested in the girl or don't plan on seeing/talking to her again and simply want to be generous then it is not so bad).

Imagine that you walk into class one day and a couple of people come up to you and offer to give you gifts, what would that tell you about the situation? Typically it would tell you that you were in some sense on a higher level than the gift givers and that they sought to ingratiate themselves to you in some way wouldn't it? Its just like the tribute that weaker countries used to pay stronger countries, and psychologically it tells the recipient (the girl in the drink buying situation) that they have a higher value than the giver (the drink buyer). This is a bad situation for someone trying to meet and develop a meaningful rapport with a woman and it puts unneeded pressure on the man to demonstrate his value to her since he has handicapped himself out of the gate (that is not to say that it isn't achievable, in some cases its very easy but it is still unneeded pressure). Sorry for the aside.

Not knowing what to say is easy to overcome, just shift the focus from trying to say something about yourself or her to saying something about the situation. Try to make a clever observation about something in your shared environment and deliver it as a question about whether she has noticed it. If you are in a bar and you are taller than most of the other men in it you might walk up to a woman and muse: have you noticed that short men love this bar? (that is a lame example but I hope you take my meaning). Also take comfort in the fact that many people who go to bars and clubs are highly social people and enjoy meeting new people.

A final note: You probably feel more comfortable in bars when your friends are with you (I know I do) and women are the same way so anytime you approach a group of women instead of a solitary woman you are walking into a generally more comfortable environment. Try talking to groups of two, three or four instead of solitary women; not only is there less pressure in this situation but you also get to meet more people at once. Its a win win. Hope this helps.

[janine167]

It depends on where you meet her. Just say hi and make samll talk. Don't think that she is gona reject you. Just be yourself and try your luck. You will learn and the process.

[xilixili]

why force yourself to approach girls , just stay in your world if you won't get close to girll.

[Anonymous]

just speak to her or move on simple really isn't it