Some friends and I have been having a debate about cheating and if it is just a mistake that could be forgiven or a sign that they have no respect for you.
Clearly anyone who cheats on you more then once doesn't respect you and should be kicked to the curb immediately. But if it just happens once and they come clean do you think it was just a mistake? And what if they never tell you but you find out from someone else, is that disrespect or a mistake?
A little bit of both. Honestly. Why? you ask do I say both. Well it totally depends.
1. Was the person sincerely honestly upset that they made the "mistake." You can typically tell if it's a bs drama fest.
2. Was it planned or did it just "happen?"
3. If the person is sincerly honest yes mistakes "can and WILL happen" in realationships. Am I going to hate on my girlfriend for it no. I've made mistakes I'm sure, would I make a habbit of her just making mistake after mistake. No. That's not right either.
That's just my .02.
Although I am a open realtionship type of person anyhow. So if my girlfriend wanted to do stuff with somebody all she'd have to do is say so. I'm not so stingent. Although I am very carefull "protection wise" because of that ;).
So personally, in my realationships. I don't typically have that problem. Cause it's pretty well known about me, that if they want to all they have to do is say so. I'm not going to get upset. Or anything at all.
Although, if perhaps they didn't say something, and went behind my back, and snuck to do it. That's crossing the line. That's cheating. If I'm knowledgeable and I have a reservation where I can say no I don't agree to it. Then that's fine. As long as both partners agree it's not cheating. If one doesn't care for it you shouldn't do it at all.
Generally, cheat once, cheat again. There may be exceptions, but it's most often a sign that something is very wrong in your relationship. What's wrong in your relationship is probably him. You know him, so its your choice whether or not to give him one more chance.
It is always a mistake, but they also don't respect you if they cheat on you. If I have respect for someone I would not do anything to hurt their feelings if I could avoid it. You can avoid cheating on someone, I don't care if you are drunk or the person is extremely attractive you should stay loyal or break up with the person before moving on. Period.
Do you desire to be loved or respected? Of course you want both, but in your case I think there is some real hangup on respect.
Someone you love can make a mistake, but will that mean you no longer love them? If it does, you were just deluding yourself in the first place. Love must by nature include acceptance, understanding and forgiveness. It can not be switched on and off. Real love takes time to grow, and time to die.
Frist of all lets look at it from the standpoint that relationships need to have a base. That base should be friendship. If the relationship has no friendship then a person is liable to do anything to the other person regardless of the other persons feelings. When a man cheats its typically because he wants to and his friendship with you is not what it should be. It has nothing to do with respect it has to do with caring for your friend and their well-being. If you ask your girlfriend would she sleep with your boy friend she should say "no!" and the reason being is that she cares about you and respects your friendship and relationship.
Firstly, it should be called cheating only when there is a committed relationship, like marriage, romantic relationship with a clear future and all that. Just because two people are a couple does not mean there is commitment. Once we define it like this, cheating is unforgivable. Trust goes. There is hurt. Respect is lost. There can be no future to that relationship.
Its not a question whether they respect you. Its a question of do they respect themselves. A cheater will do things they feel bad about because they feel bad at the time they cheated on you "emotionally". By having this quick relationship it helps them feel better about who they are. Its in no way an issue of whether they did it by mistake or by disrespecting the other person. They did it because they are lacking self respect. That's a deep emotional issue that can only be cured by learning to respect themselves.
In what you are describing, I think that there would be other signs besides an incident of cheating that indicates whether a person respects you or not. Those signs would have to considered if you are trying to determine if it was a one-time mistake or a simple lack of respect.
i will argue for 'not having respect for you' because whether or not they did it on purpose or 'made a mistake', well, what they did was disrespectful.
The thing is, as an adult, you make an active conscious decision to cheat. In my opinion, I believe, that there is no way it could be a 'mistake'
You input signals to your brain 'yes I will cheat on my current partner' etc unless they have temporary relapsing amnesia and they can't remember wth they just did, I doubt it is a mistake.
It could be a mistake in the sense that they doubted their partner and thought this new fling was a possible option but then it didn't work out, that's the only way it could be a mistake
and so I couldn't take a guy back if he thought this. I would say 'too bad'. you made that decision. I dated you because I think you have a working brain and I would tell them that. I can't go and forgive someone for cheating, even if they realized it was a mistake. it would show me that they have a detrimental decision making skill factor...they thought this other chick was better than me. and I would tell him to go away, it's definitely disrespect and it is possibly a mistake.
When someone cheats, it's a mistake. Second, third, fourth time... would be total disrespect, and should be killed lol jus kiddin, kinda...
Finding out from someone else? It depends.. if they are still cheating, then it means they just don't want the other person to find out so they can.. continue cheating - disrespectful.
If the person cheated once, regretted it, and never had the guts to confess, doesn't mean they disrespect the other person. Just means they are afraid of losing and hurting the other person bec of their mistake.
Ok... I have been on both sides of cheating many of times. I think it depends on the situation leading up to. I cheated on a guy multiple times many years back due to the fact some of his "friends" told me he was cheating on me... Fact was... his friends tried to hook up with me after our breakup... hmmmm... I fell for that one. A couple years ago when talking to this guy I asked him flat out about it... he cheated on me after I cheated on him the second time, he dumped me the third. To think things could have been different if we would have both been completely honest with one another... but things are for the best.
My husband had many an issues with fidelity... and shortly after we hooked up (within a month) was messaging a girl online telling her how much he loved her. After I found the messages... I confronted him with it... he claimed he was never going to meet her... and I shouldn't have checked (this was my computer at my house BTW) so I set up a fake profile and messaged him... needless to say... he asked me to meet him... and I did. After that big blow up he was good for about 5 years (as far as I know) then I noticed he was staying at work longer than usual, disappearing, even left me at a bar alone for over an hour. After some research I found out the blond girl from his work and him were flirting pretty bad, and he was locking himself in the bedroom to talk to her. After that time I really thought long and hard about leaving him, but I had grown to care about him too much. So we married. And I was faithful for the 7 years up to the marriage.
A little while after I got married my ex contacted me and we began talking, I told him about my life in whole (I did notice that my husband didn't like the fact I told my ex about the cheating problem). I noticed my ex would ask why I would put up with that, or that I deserved better. One night after some extreme all night drinking my ex made a move on me and we messed around. I had thought about coming clean to my husband the next day... but since I always figured things out on my own, I figured I could wait. After one month and another hookup I decided I needed to come clean to him. He was hurt, and I did feel bad... but all the times he stepped out of line... even if I caught him he always lied to me about it... to the point if I didn't figure it all out... he could still be lying.
I still love my husband with all my heart, and I still look at him like my bestfriend... but I felt so disrespected due to all the lying. Mine was a mistake made out of anger, hurt, and many other emotions. I'm not sure about his... I don't think he will ever tell me. What I have learned from the whole thing is that one act of betrayal leads to another... so it's best to have an honesty policy in place, so if I feel like hooking up with the ex again... I can, and he knows now that he could actually lose me, and it's not another empty threat.
once they cheat, they'll always cheat hun. that's my theory. once somethings done, it'll always be done. for me it only takes once to get kicked to the curb. and its never a mistake because they know what they are getting into. I think that they just can't realize they are making a mistake while having sex with that other girl or while they are kissing that other girl and oOops! that's a bunch of bs and very disrespectful. I think that if someone ever cheated on someone, just break up with that someone and move onto that other person you were going to cheat with. that saves time and pain.
Everyone makes mistakes... but not everyone cheats. If a guy doesn't tell you of his infidelity, he is aware that what he was doing was wrong, and has a flagrant disregard for your emotions and the relationship. I wouldn't give the guy a second chance. Any guy that hides his cheating deserves to be dumped ASAP. But If he tells you up front, you have to decide how important your relationship is. Cheating doesn't accidentally happen, even when drunk. People know instinctively that what they are about to do/ are doing is wrong. But for some people, all it takes is 1 slip up, and they realize what they are jeopardizing. It all depends on the guy.
I don't really think it's about respect, I think if someone cheats on you it's more about them not loving you, not worrying about hurting you and not caring about you. I think once is bad enough and I suppose it does in some way show lack of respect. If you find out from someone else it's more disrespectful because then they have kept it from you and have let someone else spill all which shows they don't respect you.
That very much depends on the situation. If someone is a repeat offender then I would say they likely have no regard for your feelings. If its a one time thing and the person acts and seems genuinely sorry than I would say they made a mistake. if the person did it one time and acts like hey no big deal then once again disregarding your feelings. its a tough call but I think deep down only you can make the call and you'd just hafta use personal judgement. Never telling I think could be either they don't want you to know and are being sneaky OR they were scared and didn't want to lose you... tough call really. it all depends on the individual. some people forgive and take back the person even when they KNOW the other person has disregard for their feelings, other people ,even if its clear the person fell to weakness and it was mistake , just don't put up with it and can cut off ties no problem, it depends on too many factors to make that call.
I think if it's constant it can mean no respect, but I think lots of time cheating isn't even about respect. Sometimes it's because something is mssing from the current relationship that the person is seeking elsewhere. Sometimes it's about seeking self validation through albeit the wrong means. And I think sometimes it's just about falling into the temptation of wanting something different. I will say unless you can figure out what lead to cheating in the first place and fix it it will more than likely happen again.
I have been trying to decide the answer to that question for years and now I think I finally know why. I have been the other girl to guys several times and the guys main problems was the lack of intimacy in their current relationship yet they love their other half too much to leave them. Men need sex that's just in their nature.
Other guys however get bored of the sex life and doing the same things over and over again with their current girl so they cheat just to have a bit more variety in their lives.
It can happen but rarely a guy falls for the other girl that they are cheating on their other halfs with.
None of the guys I did left their girls for me, infact they are still in that relationship. The mind of a man is a mystery.
cheating even once = no respect in my opinion. people often come clean about it because they're either afraid that you'll find out and get even more mad or they want their conscience to be cleared. rarely is it because they are desperately and truly sorry.
if you are in relationship its not even a question of respect or whatever BUT cheating is extremely prohibited...weither to do it ones or twice or if it is disrespectful whatsoever IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO CHEAT! that's all..and coming clean about doesn't change the fact that you cheat anyways,it is very bad to cheat when you already know it is not the right thing to do and do it anyways..most girls would never trust you again or even dump you.
Completely disrespectful, ex of mine cheated, and I left him then and there, no questions, no explanations. A girl deserves to be treated with love and respect. He cheats, he's gone. There is no accidental cheat, or mistake cheat.
i can't forgive cheating because the person didn't have my feelings in mind...only their own gratification
Just curious but why does everyone say "If you cheat then you don't respect the person". What do those two things have to do with one another? So say that cheating is lying or breaking a promise. People break promises all the time in relationships, why do we gauge this one promise as far more important than all other promises? Also why is it more disrespectful to cheat then it is to fantasize about cheating? I would not break up with my significant other for fantasizing. If i knew the partner I was cheating with was clean and it wasn't an emotional relationship why would it matter? Most of the responses on here are not very rational and most are clearly emotionally driven. I would like some logical responses. Not just uhhh because it's bad, or it means you don't respect your significant other.
I think that it can go both ways. I always said to myself that if my boyfriend ever cheated on me, I would analyze the situation first. If it was something that he had planned out, whether he told me or I found out from someone else, I couldn't continue to see him. But if it just "happened" and lets say he was at a party or something, and he told me and apologized and said it wouldn't happen again, then I would forgive him. But more than once is definitely not a good sign. We all make mistakes, whether or not we should be forgiven is how we handle the situation. I know if I cheated on my boyfriend and it wasn't something I was planning or whatever, I would want a second chance to prove that it wouldn't happen again.
cheating is never disrespect, it's not loving that person you are being with for long...
it's like you don't care for whatsoever about his/her emotions, and you don't matter for how long time you were spending with someone because actually you don't have these strong emotions that pulls you away from this MISTAKE !
so, anyways it is a mistake but not all the time...
the problem is we don't forgive and forget that 100%...it's something broken ...it's your trust in this person!
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