To confront or not to confront...Please help: What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Question

So there's this guy that I've really liked for the past six months or so. He knows how I feel but still I've always tried to treat him like all my other friends, which is generously. I like to cook for my friends and do nice things for them.

So when I was moving, he asked me if I needed help and I said that it would be great that in exchange, he and his friend could stay at my place until they were able to move into their new place, I would take care of all the food and stuff and then I would also help them move their things as well. So anyway, it turns out that after that happened, he went behind my back and told everyone that I'm this crazy girl who's in in love with him and forced him to help me move my stuff...never mind that I helped him as well. I didn't hear about this until tonight.

It's made me think of all the other insensitive things he's done, like when I helped him find an ATM so he could get a cab home and we ended up in an abandoned mall; we sat and chatted and then he casually said, "if we were together, this would be the most romantic moment of your life, right?" What kind of guy says that to someone who has feelings for him?!

So anyway, I've decided in lieu of all this that I want him out of my life, because he's completely selfish and uncaring for someone who's done so much for him and because he's wantonly teases me about my feelings for him.

So what would you do, would just ignore him and cut off contact, delete him from Facebook, etc. Or would you confront him and tell him that he's a despicable person for doing that to someone who didn't deserve to be treated like something to walked on.

enigmatta · Accepted Answer

No surprise to see that guys would go for a C, since they're more logical. So play this game in a logical way.

Confront him, don't puss out, and tell him exactly what's going on. Tell him everything. If there's something I've learned about women and men, is that women don't say things, either because they don't know how, they don't find the right time, or they don't want to spoil things. What a mistake. Guys are nothing like that! They want to know everything, what you're thinking, what you're feeling and they can't handle mood swings or irrational behavior. Men assemble jigsaw puzzles as they see the pieces fit. While you were being extremely and unnecessarily kind, he formed the words in his mind: crazy girl for me.

Go and tell him what things are like. But do have a plan for later on! Once you tell him that words got to your ears about him saying stupid stuff, inform him of a plan. Don't stand there, mad and emotional, and leave it up to him. NO. No matter how much you like him, what he has done can't be taken like a small mistake. His nice comments hardly make it up to the ugly stuff he doesn't tell you. I would cut communication, probably not kick him out of your Facebook (always comes as emotional), but just don't communicate. You don't need his sh1t.

If you just cut him off without an explanation, you will only be enhancing that point of view he shares with others "crazy girl". Be quite rational. Don't leave room for doubts.

Another piece of advice... don't be too kind to someone you like. They will find out you like them and will probably take advantage of it. He may be talking crap behind your back... and when he's with you, he's charming... why do you think that is? His ego wants to keep you around, one more fan of his, someone he can play with. Don't.

nikki7680 · Accepted Answer

I knew a guy like this. One minute he's using you to do things for him, without making it seem that way and the next he's being a complete jerk.

I was the same way with a guy last year, except, I was helping him with homework. He always asked me to do things for him and I would because I liked him. When I wouldn't do something for him or if someone said something about it, he'd turn into a complete a**hole, but then he'd text me something nice like "you're the best (:" or "thanks hun(:" ...gag me.

He knows exactly what he's doing. He knows you like him and he thinks he can say and do anything and you won't stop caring. Well, that's exactly what happened with the guy I knew. I cut him off. I distanced myself from him a little so he'd wonder what was going on. And he definitely wondered. It bothered him so much that I wasn't paying any attention to him. He even tried to guilt trip me into hanging out with him again because he missed the attention. Finally, when we didn't have to see each other anymore because school was over, I stopped contacting him.

So, get out while you're angry with him. That way, it's a lot easier to to get over him. Don't give him a chance to explain himself because it's easy to believe that crap.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Honestly, this guy sounds too immature to do any good talking to him about his ridiculous behavior. Also, I am not a fan of hanging with someone I have feelings for that does not feel the same way for me.

So, this guy is using you for attention and for all the nice things you are doing for him. He is a user and a backstabber. If you want to keep your dignity, you need to cut off all communication and ignore him. If you don't want to deal with a bunch of drama, try for a fade. So, in other words, stop initiating calls or texts, get flaky in responding to his and definitely don't answer calls that will probably be him calling to help him out of a bind or some other attempt to use you. Over time the contact will fade and you will avoid one of those awkward scenes where he puts you on the spot about why you are not talking to him.

However, I see from your response that you are in to this guy and willing to forgive his bad behavior fairly easily so not sure you have the strength at this time to move on, but you should try and muster it up.

goldgunsgirls · Accepted Answer

Definitely C. But also include the fact that he talked like that behind your back, so he knows the full reason that you're not going to be friends with him anymore.

I'm in a similar situation, except much different because I don't know the person well. But basically she's been talking behind my back, a LOT. It's kinda dumb of her too, since it's to one of my best friends... either she's really dumb and expected my friend not to tell me all the sh*t she's said about me, or she wanted me to know what she's been saying about me. Either way, soon enough I hope to confront her about it. (If you want to know, I have never done anything bad to this chick, ever. The worst I did was ask her out - which I obviously know now that I shouldn't have done in the first place, but I sure am glad she rejected me. And yes, I'm being sarcastic when I say that was a "bad" thing I did to them :P.)

Enough about me haha, this question is about you. So yeah, just confront him, and tell him that you're not going to be friends with him anymore, and explain why - he leads you on and uses you and, essentially, has no respect for you whatsoever. Sorry about the situation, things like this always suck :/

arashmenalagha · Accepted Answer

Oh my gosh what a bastard! If I were in your shoes I wouldn't expect someone to thank me or return the favor, I would help them from the bottom of my heart out of care and unselfishness.

I can't believe he would say those terrible things to you! Why? You're too kind! awww that's so nice. I would never want to see you hurting or feeling bad. poor baby girl :(

well If you want to do something about it, you should speak to him gently and say Hi why did you ay all those terrible things about me, after I cared so much about you! How could you!

This is just too serious, you really are one of those chicks that are too good, but it's true.

justmeagainandagain · Answer

Simply cutting him off would be the easiest way to go, but I think you'd eventually crack after a certain period of time (you're already started to find it hard to be mad at him!).

The best way to do it would be to logically and rationally discuss the situation, thereby giving him the opportunity to explain his behavior and you the chance to express your distaste for his actions. Perhaps if he sees you behaving that calmly and responsibly he'll think twice about belittling you in the future. Be firm, but reasonable (don't get too emotional) and just approach him on the subject.

Littletad · Answer

More often than not women keep certain men in their lives simply because they are lonely or unsure of their feelings. If you truly want him out of your life, delete him. Judging from YOUR statements, it really seems he's as selfish as they come, not to mention a liar. Take it with a grain of salt, but remember, if there's trouble and lies now, what's to make of the future?

TheChristian · Answer

Hi there. There are different ways I would go with this and it all depends on how much you trust and believe the source of what you are being told. If you believe it then move on. No need to get drastic and unfriend and lose his number etc just make a mental note to yourself to move on. You treat him like everyone else you know (without the things you are doing because you have a crush). This is actually why I never recommend a female to tell a guy she has a crush because whether they liked you or not before you told them now they know and you can put yourself in a situation to be taken advantage of. Hope this helps

VeinsofGlitter · Answer

Whoa, what a bastard. But I'm not surprised a guy could behave that way, I recently experienced something similar. You try to console yourself with all kinds of excuses like maybe he really does like me, but..., but you have to stop. He's a disrespectful jerk and doesn't deserve anything more from you. He did what he did to boost his ego and that's exactly what a jerk does. He doesn't care and if he does, it's not enough to override his a**hole ways so he's not worth it.

I confronted the guy and abused him. Told him everything I thought about him, then cut him out of life. He apologized but made no effort to maintain our relationship so I knew his true feelings, I was just a joke to him who he led on then turned it around to make it look like I had all the feelings and did all the pursuing. If this guy comes back maybe he's worth something, but my advice is to cut him off completely and find out.

Blobb · Answer

I'd actually go for something else a mixture of A and C:

I would be rational and explain to him why he's no longer going to be part of my life then cut off all communication and ignore him.

Screw his apology and here's why:

If he's confronted with it, he's going to be guilted. So either he's going to do some bravado and further indulge in being a d*** or he'll apologize. But that doesn't mean he's going to respect you. Dude doesn't seem very secure to me, and a confrontation is probably going to leave him bitter at you for showing him what a bitch he is. That means you can expect a whole lot more snide and mean spirited remaks.

(This answer assumes you do not like to be mistreated at all consciously or unconsciously).

From what I see, that dude likes you, but is too much of a p**** to admit it to himself, looks like he's overcompensating for something. Or he's got aspergers or some sh*t and he's out of synch with social norms on what's a no-no and what's OK to say...

Sam33r · Answer

Ivarei, Sorry that you gotta learn this the hard way but being extra caring or generous never help. Remember, we only value those people and things for whom we have to go an extra mile to win / achieve.

All I can say is to cut him out of your life and do not waste your single minute repenting over wht happened. Learn from it and mover on!

He doesn't deserve any explanation !

AllDay · Answer

I would pick C if I were you but after doing C I would cut all communication with him and not give him another shot

It would give you some closure and plus it would help him not do this someone else.

Cursing at him won't do any good. It'll just make you look as bad he is.

He seems immature and depending on if you get through to him, either still back bite you or maybe learn his lesson.

Good Luck!

martyfellow · Answer

OK, he's insensitive, but this might just be because he lacks experience. Compared to a lot of people, he isn't that bad. I mean, he asked if you needed help and DID help you!

Give him a break, don't try to delete him from your life, althugh maybe you should be distant with him s ohe knows there are consequences to his behavior.

_ukii · Answer

In the short term, like few weeks, don't talk to him, no contacts at all. But I don't really agree to delete Facebook or what.

In the long term, he is just your normal friend, that's it.

You don't have to show him your anger, he is not worth to waster any of your emotion.

Mtsmith · Answer

I voted C. But I know it will do no good.

This happened to me, I did just that, he kept the rumors up after we talked. Of course, at first he denied everything. He cost me work (I freelance), and have spoken in 3+ years. Maybe you will have better luck.

BlueX · Answer

I would do both! Confront him, tell him how you feel and then cut him out of your life! Obviously he knows you have feelings for him and he is using that to get things he wants from you.

Find someone who will appreciate how you feel and will feel the same way back!

I know a lot of people throughout my life who do this to people, both men and women, and it is really disgusting!

VisionofthePast · Answer

If he knows you like him and hasn't made a move, he's just stringing you along because everyone likes being liked and you are nothing more than an ego boost to an already large ego. I would cut him out of my life, but not in a dramatic way. Just to send the message, "you're not as great as you think you are, I just happened to like you, that's it."

posted · Answer

He's an absolute loser who if anything is stringing you along to use you and use you as an ego booster. If he has feelings he would have told you it's sad but he is a piece of sh*t if you can't see that..

datingagain84 · Answer

People like this seriously need to be put in their place.. Anyone who can act this way and gas absolutely no respect.. Seems to me he enjoys the fact that you have/had feelings for him but only because it caters to his own ego.. The vindictive woman in me says tell him off and cut him out of your life..but what would that really prove.. It might make ya feel good for a moment but its not going to change how your feelings have been hurt.. I would just end the "friendship" all together..if he calls or texts just ignore..he knows what he's done and cutting all ties will be the only thing that will show him you deserve better.. Noone should be treated so poorly..sounds like he's got a ton of growing up to do..

Do you and never settle fir someone that has no respect

stillinshock · Answer

well let me tell you something...according to the amount of words you wrote here, its clear that you love him! anyways if I were u, I would simply go and confront him...a sentence that you heard from here or there is simply not enough to make me hate a person...Plus when he checks if you were OK or not...wut does that mean?! simply he cares.

TheUglyOne · Answer

I would have done C first, give him a chance to redeem himself, then I would have done A if that had no effect. That was kinda low what he did, he took advantage of your generosity to weasel his way into at least trying to convince the public you guys are an item.

foolycooly1001 · Answer

Where did you hear that he told everyone you're crazy?

Anonymous · Answer

i voted d. no point in explaining anything bcs he gets it. No point in totally cutting him off as he might be of some benefit in the future and your relationship is not hostile. I wouldn't get emotional about it either. What you need to do is stop treating him so nicely. just say NO. You're being a doormat for no reason at all.

treat him like a regular joe, no steak, no beer, no staying over, no doing ANYTHING nice for him. go on as if he means nothing

crookthings · Answer

C all the way. I voted A but then I read your update and it seems like he has NO clue what he did. I wouldn't be able to let him get away with thinking it's just fine and dandy to treat someone like that.

deadhothead · Answer

I think you should confront him, tell him that he is being a jerk because no matter what guys want to know why a girl stops talking to them. And you can not give in! No matter what, then that would give him the upper hand and it would show that you are weak and vulnerable. You must stay strong and not talk to him at all after you confront him.

To confront or not to confront...Please help: What would you do if you were in my shoes?

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