Co-worker flirts with me but complains about her boyfriend.?

[ThCasualSupernatural]

I work with a really attractive girl. We worked different shifts for about one year. Now she switched to cashier so I see her a couple times a week at work. One day it was slow at work so she asked me to keep her company. We started talking and I ended up talking to her for 2 hours straight before leaving work. I got her number. texted her a few days later. We flirt, occasional touching etc. One night at work I gave her a squinted look, just messing around with her. she jokingly said "are you blind?" I said "yeah, blinded by beauty :)" and she touched my face and smiled. that's just an example of the flirting. She is a little more physical with the touching than I am with her though. I tell her she looks good and she always seems insecure. We were talking and I showed her my tongue ring. She said she used to have one and the guy that she dated said he asked her out initially because he thought tongue ring = slutty. So I think she has some insecurities and doesn't want to come off as a slut.

A little background about her-- She mentioned that she didn't want to move in with her boyfriend this year but had to or she would have to move back to alaska. From what I can tell she seems unhappy with her relationship but I'm not really sure.

But the problem I have is that every time I talk to her she always complains about him. Just today she said "i was going to hang out with a group of friends last night but my boyfriend pissed me off" I said, "why? what did he do?" and she brushed it off and changed the subject. Also, the other day I texted her she asked me how work was that night. I said "not bad, I got drunk and relaxed" and she replied "haha nice that's always fun. I felt sick last night and my boyfriend had a cold so it wasn't the best night but oh well."

So the other day I asked if she wanted to grab some drinks this weekend for my birthday and hang out with my buddy and his girlfriend. She said sure. I'm kind of clueless as to why she always brings up her boyfriend though. Is it because she wants a friend to complain to? Or is she interested in hooking up with me? I don't want to be in the friend zone. Should I escalate and starting being more physical (touching and stuff) or should I ask her flat out what she wants?

[Anonymous]

Complaints about Boyfriend *MAY* be part of the flirting tactic -- oh, I'm so unhappy...you're such a nice guy...(sullen face when talking about the guy, happy face when addressing you, looking all perky). Sound accurate? It's a ploy. At times the actual guy might already be out of the picture, but there's marketing value to presenting the story with a certain spin. She shows you how strong she is, You think you see her vulnerable side, which builds up your curiosity and urge to protect.

Some people REALLY know how to work it. (I've seen both guys and girls do this. Just watch your back and be sure you're well versed in the office's conflict of interest policies about dating within the work place.)

You should probably have a conversation with her, mentioning that her gestures are sort of confusing to you. DON'T make physical contact with her, DON'T say anything that she can turn around and refer to as sexual harassment. Just be polite and say that her mannerisms and conversations with you seem to indicate a flirtatiousness that's confusing and you'd just like to clarify what her intentions are. DON'T mention that you like her. DON'T!

[kholland65]

Not that I disagree, but I'm just curious as to why you said "don't tell her you like her"?

[Opinion Owner]

A friend of mine in this situation told the gal at work that he liked her, not certain of her feelings, and she filed a harassment suit against him at the office. No one got fired, but he was put on notice for a year, and it gave him a bad reputation, though he was a really sweet sort of guy.

[ThCasualSupernatural]

well I already asked her out this weekend and we don't see each other at work that much. when we do we just talk and flirt. but nothing that would be considered harassment. I don't work in an office setting. I work at the home depot lol.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh... The dynamic's a little different in the bustling retail environments. Okay, well good luck with it. :-)

[Anonymous]

She sounds like she was using her boyfriend and has such low respect for him.

It sounds like she wants you to continue flirting with her and has to emphasise that she's not keen on her boyfriend so that you don't see her as completely taken, if that makes sense.

Anyway, be careful. If she has little enough respect for people to keep someone as her boyfriend for the sake of using them, and to flirt with someone else behind his back, then there is no reason why she wouldn't start falling for others if you entered a relationship with her.

[kholland65]

This last paragraph is a true statement.

[ThCasualSupernatural]

That does make sense. Most girls that I've flirted with never bring their boyfriend up this much though, that's what puzzled me. Very true about that last paragraph though. But I don't intend on having a relationship with her. Just a casual hookup.

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you for BA! I'm glad you don't intend on having a relationship with her, but if you get on well, you should stay friends.

[kholland65]

Here is another thing that might happen. Girls tend to impose their logic upon men. They assume we think like them. Girls find guys with other women to attractive. So she might be flaunting her boyfriend thinking it makes her more desirable to you when its actually quite the opposite.

[ThCasualSupernatural]

Kholland65- Yeah she knows I have a girlfriend and that I'm in a long distance relationship. I rarely bring up my girlfriend to her and maybe that's what is sparking a bit of interest in her. plus the fact that we're both attracted to each other.

[kholland65]

These situations are tough because many times the girl is just looking for attention and affirmation since she's most likely not getting it from her boyfriend.

[ThCasualSupernatural]

Thats what I thought might be the case too.

[kholland65]

Here is another thing that I've learned recently. If a girl wants to be with you, most of the time, you'll know. It will be quite obvious that she's into you. If you find yourself on the fence about her feelings, it usually because she it too. It's up to you how much arm twisting you are willing to impose on her to get her to date you and if successful how satisfied will you be with the fact that you basically had to convince her to be with you.

[ThCasualSupernatural]

It does seem pretty obvious but maybe I'm just not seeing it that clearly. she seems like she's not satisfied with her boyfriend and just wants to hook up with me. We're gonna go to a bar this weekend. hopefully things go well and I'll hookup with her. but I'll just have to sarge her a little bit and get to know her better before I try to do anything physical with her.

[kholland65]

Personally, this entire situation is playing with fire. For one, if you hook up with this girl and things go south, you have to work with this girl. She may want a relationship and you don't. This will lead to drama once she learns you used her. This on top of the fact that she technically still has a boyfriend whom you both have to take into consideration. If I were you, I would first ask her about her feelings and inform her that you are not willing to do anything until she is single.

[kholland65]

Then discuss the fact that the two of you work together and come to some sort of understanding as to what you both want and how you are going to handle yourselves at work. The last thing you want to do is take a gamble with all of this and be wrong. Then you are without the girl and a job. Even the most obvious signs with girls can be nothing. I've had girls cuddle and make out with me that ended up just thinking we were friends.

[ThCasualSupernatural]

Im definitely gonna find out what she wants before I try anything with her. And I really don't think she wants a relationship. but id find that out for sure before anything happened. About the whole working together thing, well a lot of people at my job hookup and nothing comes out of it. I know for a fact that a lot of people do this at my job. Its like a free-for-all. She won't break up with her boyfriend for me simply because she has too much time invested with him.

[ThCasualSupernatural]

What do you mean "without a job"?

[kholland65]

You might either get fired, or feel forced to quite because it will be like working with an ex Girlfriend who hates you and vice verse.

[ThCasualSupernatural]

how would I get fired though? and yeah that part would suck but I can deal with that.

[ThCasualSupernatural]

I'm not going to ask her how she feels or discuss anything about the two of us at work. Me and her are going out for drinks this weekend. it would be outside of work. I can't get fired for that lol.

[kholland65]

That's what I meant. You aren't understanding the point. If things go south, your going to hate your life when you have to work with her. Dating coworkers is fine, you just have to tread more carefully. It's not the place to take dating risks, like seeing if you can hook up with a girl who has a Boyfriend on the first time out for drinks.

[ThCasualSupernatural]

yeah true, I see what you're saying.

[kholland65]

If this was a girl you just met, I would say, sure take a chance, if she ends up not liking you, thinks your a pig, or the Boyfriend gets involved, you can just walk away and not talk to her again. If those same things occur and you have to work with her, well...that's one sh*t show I would not not to be a part of. Personally its a risk I wouldn't take, but ultimately only you can set your own boundaries and risk tolerance.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she is in an unhappy relationship

[SkidooMan]

Ask her out.