My boyfriend is too nice and tries too hard, advice please?
My boyfriend and I have been dating since January. He is a wonderful person with a good heart. I feel safe and comfortable with him. We've talked a few times about having a future together, and that's great. HOWEVER, his obsession with being the "good guy" is bothering me.
He is so concerned with keeping the peace and keeping everyone happy, that he agrees with EVERYTHING anyone says. Even about things that I have never heard him agree with before. He doesn't seem to stand up for his own thoughts or opinions, and I can literally walk all over him if I want to (which I don't.) he even allows for ex-flings who hurt him to be friends with him because he is obsessed with being the bigger, nicer person. I had to literally ask him to stand up for himself because he just didn't care.
Any time something good/funny/nice happens, he has to talk about how wonderful it is. For example, if I tell a joke, he always says, "You're so funny, it's so great how you have a sense of humor I love how funny you are" blah blah blah. EVERY. TIME. If I like the same song as him, it's "I LOVE THAT WE LIKE THE SAME MUSIC IT IS SO WONDERFUL AHHHH" That seems sweet, but its like I can't do anything without him trying to compliment it. It feels like he is trying too hard and is starting to seem clingy.
Just this morning, I mentioned I wanted to start going to the gym more, and immediately he signed himself up for a gym membership.
Then I stayed home sick from work and he was thinking about calling in as well because he didn't feel like going. It's like anything I say or do influences his daily decisions.
And now, because we have mentioned a future together, he is already talking about our kids and stuff. It is freaking me out. I guess I let it happen, but I didn't expect to have it be mentioned this much. I asked him to calm it down, which he has, but I can't get it out of my head.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that he threw me into the dominant role. He is always kissing my butt, I make all the decisions.
Not to mention, I am slightly taller, which already makes me feel sort of insecure about being big. And our sex life is only exciting when I go out of my way to make it exciting. He is kinda boring in bed and he finishes so quickly because he is to overzealous. Like in every possible way I am the dominant person.
I've tried to talk to him about these things, but he literally will just sit there and say, "okay, I can see that. You're right, thanks for telling me."
There is no challenge! We are not equals! I don't know what to do
What's Your Opinion?
Most Helpful Opinion
i don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with him or with you I think you two just need different stuff from a partner. you want a guy who will challenge you and others, someone who will travel his own path... on the other hand he seems like a guy who really wants to latch on to someone. he's a pleaser and appeaser. soudns like he doesn't like confrontation. it also sounds like he is kinda the lost puppy personality in that he will do things in order to be close to people.
again I don't necessarily think that there is anything wrong with either of you aside from the fact that maybe you just aren't compatible
What Guys Said 5
if you're trying to change him...it's pretty much near impossible because that his personality type. It's what defines him. He sounds like the definitive non-assertive people pleaser. So like you said, he'll agree with everything to keep the peace and keep others happy. If you want an assertive guy who will challenge you...he's never gonna become that. You may feel safe and comfortable around him but that's one aspect of the relationship. But he doesn't sound like the personality type that you want in a partner...
Wow...you need to post this wall to wall on this forum. A lot of guys need to read this coming from a female. I have typed until my fingers are numb, telling guys they must be a challenge toward women. Thank you for making my point.
I'm sorry, you really can't change him yourself. The man who teaches this stuff to guys is Doc Love. He has a weekly radio show, and a book, They System. The book is also available for download. If your guy see's that he's turning you off, and he has a problem, needs to change, and can put his ego aside, then he might take Doc's advice. Many many women buy this book for their bf's and husbands. Best of luck, this is fixable, but its going to be a long uphill battle. Be patient.
Break up... I know it sucks, but it sounds like this is what has to happen.
He seems like a man who needs a more dominant female in his life. He prefers a more passive role in a relationship. This isn't something that's going to change.
And you prefer to be with a dominant man. This also isn't something that's going to change.
Nothing wrong with him. That's just how he is. You both just have different relationship dynamics, and this, unfortunately, is a deal-breaker.
What Girls Said 3
Wow, even if he's such a nice guy he kinda sounds like a doormat.
Everyone has (or lacks) their own personality, and sadly there's not much we can do about it. You need an assertive upfront guy, but unfortunately he isn't like that. He has his own ways, and even if there's nothing wrong with that, it could be an incompatibility issue for you two.
I guess the only thing you can do is make sure he understands how big of an issue this is for you and see if he can do something about it. You need a boyfriend, not a pet... and he sure sounds like he could stand up a bit more for himself for his own good as well.
Maybe he could stay away from you for a while, working on his independence. Let's hope whatever happens is best.
If all fails, this could be a legit reason for breaking up. It'd be awful to lie to him and to yourself otherwise! Nobody deserves that!
This seems to be his personality, and if you cannot live with someone who's biggest wish is for life to be peaceful and calm(which is fine) you should break up with him. However, before you make rushed decisions, be honest with him. Very honest. Tell him what you told us - that it's not satisfying you, that you want him to stand up for himself, have his own interests. If he doesn't understand/doesn't change anything (he might have been holding back for some strange reason, who knows?), you should really consider ending it. This relationship seems to make you unhappy. You can't change a person, and you shouldn't try too hard.