Why won't girls even give me a chance?

[megamanx2]

So yeah, I invited a girl at church to go eat with me, she was the one I was sitting next to in church. When I invited her she took me outside and told me that she only wants to be friends with me and she was asking if I thought she was making a move on me. I told her no, I just wanted to make a move on her and get a chance to know her. I really should have known that she was probably just being nice when she first asked me to sit with her the first time anyways. I mean, I do have a tendency stay outside of the church when the worship is going on, or just inside when it's colder, so I guess it comes off as being depressed or something to other people when I really just don't like how loud it is in there when worship is going. Well actually the sound level would be fine if it was more of a style of music I liked.(Metal/Opera/Opera Metal worship if it even exists).

Really I don't even know what I should do now. I mean right now I just trying to get to know girls right to if there's one compable for me. Though right now, I really don't have a chance with anyone right now. And with my personality, I'm not really the type of person that can go around and get to know people easily. Since I'm the quiet and shy type, and I usually have to feel somewhat safe around them before I'll open up to someone. Anyways, I'm not really sure what I should do to move forward and keep on looking. I mean my Thursday night church, is really the only time that girls my age. Wednesday night is pretty dead, and I'm always working on Sunday morning so I can't go then...

Still I can't even figure out why girl won't even give me a chance...

But yeah, maybe some more info would help...

I'm 25 years old, I'm a virgin(Though I am also waiting till I'm married for sex).I've never had a girlfriend. I've never even been kissed by a girl. I'm not even sure if girls really notice me as a guy that they'd want. So yeah, I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. I'm about 5-7" feet tall. I have dirty blond short to medium hair(Though I would like grow my hair back down to my shoulders again), no disfiguring scars or anything like that. I'm at a normal weight. around 135 pounds.

I'm a Christian, I have relationship based faith in God and not one based on rules.

I'm in school going for computer science(programming). I eventually want to make video games. I tend to play video games, watch anime, play Magic: The Gathering and listen to music(Mostly different types of metal). So basically what you'd expect as a typical geek.

Personality wise, I'm nice, loyal, sincere, trusting, honest, smart. I'm pretty shy until I start to feel combatable around the people I'm around. Even then I still like to stay in smaller groups without too much noise. I do have some confidence. Though I also tend to get lonely a lot right now. But then again, I'm also the type of guy that only needs a few friends to be happy.

I'm a mix of a ISFP and ISFJ with the ISFP being more dominate.

Updates

+1 y

ISFP - link

ISFJ - link


Well, if I'm around other people that I'd want to be around, I'd do some more stuff like bowling, mini golf, going to the movies, eating out with them. With a girl, I'd probably also like to goto a quiet area in a park where there's a lot shade and a river around and just talk to her about deep stuff like stuff about God or really anything that comes.

Updates

+1 y

Something like doing archery sounds like it would be fun. Really, I'm more open to doing other things when I'm with other people.


And I do have some other interests like psychology, culture, mythology, science, fake sci-fi science like string theory, parallel universes. Really, I do have a lot of interests I just choose to take focus on God, programming, video games and anime.

[Ingrid422]

Ok I'll tell you something. I'm actually dating a guy who's major is computer engineering/ programming. I'm in a similar major myself, so I can relate to what he's doing. I'm a little geeky myself, as most gals in our fields, so we click. But I'll tell you something I've learned in my dating life. No matter what you do, what you like in life and what you look like, if you're confident, you can keep a conversation and make a girl feel special, you'll find yourself someone. This guy I'm telling you about is 25, 5'7'' with lightish brown hair and light blue eyes. Reminds me of your description.

Anyway, so the thing that's probably keeping you back is that you might come across as uninteresting. Computer rats are very difficult to approach sometimes, cause all they do is geeky stuff that girls can't relate to. If this dude talks to me about a silly cookie auto-clicker game hack, I'll know what he's talking about cause he's not the first one to tell me about it. Take a girl at church. What the hell does she care about your scores at LoL, your late nights playing Minecraft and your dream to be in the gaming field? Girls find that boring, sorry to tell you that. And by the way, a friend of mine told me after his interview at Microsoft (I'm serious), when asked what he was into (he replied that he'd like to work in computer game testing), that he wasn't the only one who liked that, and that he'd better find something else to be interested in. What I mean by that is that yes, you're not the only guy who likes video games and metal music. I too have played video games and enjoy metal music. Doesn't necessarily make me interesting. If a guy was to come talk to me, it wouldn't be because he senses that I like those things. He'd come talk to me because I look approachable and/or because he finds me attractive, as simple as that.

So if you think girls don't give you a second look, that could be because 1) You seldom approach girls, and if you do, you don't seem confident. 2) You aren't interesting or can't hold a conversation. 3) You pick girls out of your league. 4) Your christian vibe scares them away.

About this girl, don't take it as a rule of thumb. She might have turned you down because she wasn't into you, that's all. What's wrong with that, it doesn't imply that ''no girl gives you a chance'', as you say. As some of my friends say, dating is like fishing. You're not gonna catch something right away, so try yourself out with more than one person and don't expect your moves to work every single time.

[Sib999]

You said it yourself! You need to feel safe around someone before you can open up to them. I think you could have better results if you stick to that rule and get to know a girl more before you ask her out.

I mean, I think it's more likely to find a solid relationship if it's with a girl you've known for a bit before, and not someone you just met because things will be more awkward and you don't really have a foundation to build things on.

Try not to look for people for the sole intention of dating, and focus on what makes you happy instead. That way, you'll feel more cheerful and confident (which translate in being more attractive!) , you get to know each other better and if attraction grows from there, your relationship will have a solid foundation that will make it much deeper and meaningful (:

Also, I'm assuming you care that the girl is a Christian as well. It's okay to want someone like that, but maybe it would be nice to also look in other places than the church. I'm not saying it's impossible to meet somebody there, but the girls are probably not in the right mindset for flirting when they're in there. The university campus, friends you hang out with, and maybe Facebook are potential places to look at.

Al in all...it may sound a bit weird, but I believe you're more likely to find a good match without explicitly looking out for it, and just enjoying yourself and hanging out with your friends. The rest will naturally come along! (:

[megamanx2]

Yeah, but the thing is that I tend to be a loner at church, and with the way that things are set up it kinda makes it hard to get know someone there...

[megamanx2]

Would inviting a girl out hang out with my friends work better?

[Sib999]

That's why I meant it could be nice trying to meet someone in different places, not only the church because imo there are more opportunities to look at (:

Inviting her with your friends can work, specially if there's at least one or two females in the group so she doesn't feel intimidated or awkward being around many guys.

[udolipixie]

Why won't girls even give me a chance?

Egh more likely it's why won't gals you want even give you a chance and that reason being the same why you won't you even give gals that you don't want a chance which is because you don't wan them.

"Still I can't even figure out why girl won't even give me a chance..."

Possibly would you do you approach gals you find attractive, appealing, and interesting? If you do then that's an inkling on why gals won't even give you a chance because they likely also want a guy they find attractive, appealing, and interesting and you're not that guy for them.

I find relationships and such aren't about giving chances unless one finds it appealing to probably be bitter and resentful at getting what one doesn't want. It's odd to me how often guys ask gals to give them chances when most guys don't give chances themselves as I don't see guys approaching gals they find repulsive, unattractive, and disgusting.

[Hanzo]

Oh OK that's fine so women are allowed to mandate preferences while men have to settle for whatever they can find. Whatever feminazi.

[udolipixie]

@Hanzo

Egh nowhere did I state, suggest, imply, or mention that "men have to settle for whatever they can find". That wasn't even being discussed.

Seems you didn't even read my answer...o.O...but just projected your own likely personal issues and misogyny

[archer86]

So, according to your answer: 1, Women have no interest in men because men have the same lack of interest even though we are the ones who are chasing; 2, you assumed he's unattractive so women won't approach him; 3, if men are bitter about failure, they should just cheer up, give themselves a chance (at what?) and give ugly women a chance. Hmm...

[udolipixie]

No according to my answer:

1. Gals have no interest in giving chances to guys they don't want no different than guys have no interest in giving chances to gals they don't want.

"Egh more likely it's why won't gals you want even give you a chance and that reason being the same why you won't you even give gals that you don't want a chance which is because you don't wan them."

How did you get "Women have no interest in men because men have the same lack of interest even though we are the ones"?

[udolipixie]

2. I presume the gals he wants don't want him be it because they don't find him attractive, appealing, or interesting which is a reasonable conclusion since he's getting rejected by the gals he wants.

How did you get I "assumed he's unattractive so women won't approach him" rather than I presume the gals he wants don't want him? o.O

[udolipixie]

So more like according to my anser

1. Gals have no interest in giving chances to guys they don't want no different than guys have no interest in giving chances to gals they don't want.

2. I presume the gals he wants don't want him be it because they don't find him attractive, appealing, or interesting which is a reasonable conclusion since he's getting rejected by the gals he wants.

3. I find it odd that guys ask gals they want to give them chances as most don't give it to gals they don't want.

[udolipixie]

@archer86

It seems you have quite a bit of projection issues:

"1. Women have no interest in men because men have the same lack of interest even though we are the ones who are chasing"

I was quite clear that gals had no interest the guys they don't want no different than guys have no interest in the gals they don't want.

[udolipixie]

"2. you assumed he's unattractive so women won't approach him"

More like he's unattractive to the gals he wants so they don't give him a chance. I said nothing about gals approaching...o.O

"3, if men are bitter about failure, they should just cheer up, give themselves a chance (at what?) and give ugly women a chance. "

I didn't even state, suggest, imply, or even mention what guys 'should' do..o.O. I didn't discuss about guys cheering up or giving chances. I said I find the chance hypocrisy odd

[Dandeus]

Why should guys give girls they don't want a chance when, by and large, girls of any type refuse to make the first move? It'd be one thing if typical guys were being routinely approached by women asking them out and then rejecting them, but that's simply not the case for the massive majority of men. Of the onus is being placed directly on us, we ought to reserve the prerogative to go after what we want.

[udolipixie]

@Dandeus

I'm unsure why you're asking me this question when nowhere did I state, suggest, imply, or mention that guys should give gals they don't want a chance.

I don't do 'should' or 'shouldn't unless it pertains to children/animals.

It may be suited for guys to give gals a chance if the guys want a chance themselves. In my opinion whether gals make the first move or not is quite irrelevant to giving chances...o.O

[udolipixie]

@Dandeus

Nowhere was I stating, suggesting, implying, or mentioning that guys ought not to reserve the prerogative to go after what they want. I was stating I find it odd and suggesting the hypocritical egoistical entitlement one would have to ask for chances when they don't give chances themselves.

In my opinion both genders have that prerogative. Gals tend to show it by not giving chances and rejecting those they don't want so guys asking for chances is trying to take away gals prerogative.

[kheserthorpe]

I'd encourage you to start viewing 'shyness' as a behavior rather than a personality trait. Being an introvert is a personality trait, but there are shy extroverts and introverts who are not shy at all. Meeting people and socializing with those you don't know well is moderately to very stressful for most people. 'Shyness' is more about how you learn to handle that stress. View socializing - at least the early stages - as a set of skills. Right now those skills are weak, and you feel that they are weak, so you are not confident using them. Because of that, you avoid using them (somewhat) because its stressful. But that doesn't improve social skills. The only way to get 'better' at going up to people and being friendly and getting to know them is to do it more and more and build the skills AND the confidence in using them.

The goal isn't to be an extrovert (who likes a lot of friends, and prefers big groups and so on). The goal is to build yourself into a confident introvert. In many ways, introverts can actually be better at making friends - there's a lot more one on one quiet discussion in building a friendship then big group socialization.

Beyond that, by all means enjoy your 'geeky' pleasures(I share many of them), but I'd also encourage you to take something up that maybe pushes you a little out of that comfort zone, and lets you socialize with men who are maybe a little more confident.

I took up boxing a while back. Not just boxercise, but actually training to spar and so on. Beyond the fact that I -enjoy- the tactical elements a lot, it does push you to see yourself in a new way, and to tackle a new type of mental challenge. You'd be sitting at lightweight right now, though I'd guess you are probably not in optimal shape. 5'7 is not a bad height for a lightweight.

[ABH-french]

You know, girls won't like you because you are this or that, or you're interested with this and that, or you can do this and thatetc etc. They will like you because of how you make them feel when they are with you. Does she feel liked? Does she feel that you can be helpful? Does she think that you could bring real things to her? love, pleasure, humour, vitality, etc.? It's not about you and your interests, it's about how the girl feels with you.

Don't take this badly, but I think that you're proud and egocentered. "Personality wise, I'm nice, loyal, sincere, trusting, honest, smart" + "I do have some other interests like psychology, culture, mythology, science, fake sci-fi science like string theory, parallel universes. Really, I do have a lot of interests" + "I'm in school going for computer science(programming). I eventually want to make video games. I tend to play video games, watch anime, play Magic: The Gathering and listen to music(Mostly different types of metal)" + etc

Pleaaase, stop talking about YOU !

Before, I was very proud and egocentered too, so I know what it is... I did many things wrong with girls which explain why I didn't have any success. By the grace of God, my bad personnality was broken. (yeah, I agree I can still do some mistakes but I keep improving step by step)

May the grace be with you. Take courage, you'll find a girl.

[Cryostatic]

Well... no offense, bud, but you seem kind of boring.

Getting those chances really has a lot to do with how you present yourself when interacting with a girl. You need to present yourself as being fun, funny, and f*ckable.

Fun in that you enjoy life, and you have a desire to go fun places and do fun things with other fun people. If you seem like the kind of guy who just hangs around by himself all the time and doesn't ever go out and have fun, then that's a huge turnoff.

Funny in that you make her laugh. Serious people don't attract anyone. You've got to be able to joke about pretty much anything, and you've got to be quick in conversation, keeping it fun, or at least interesting.

F*ckable in that you are a sexual person with a sexual drive that needs to be fulfilled, and you ONLY have interest in her on that level. Understand, I'm not saying ONLY sex, clearly you're interested in having a relationship with a girl, but sex HAS to be a part of what you embody. You'll be stuck as friends forever if she doesn't see you in a sexual light. This means you've got to flirt, with plenty of sexual innuendo.

[CasaNorba]

no offense man, but why do all your questions sound the same?

@ your 3rd updat... you sound a lot like me but the only different is that I put women as my last priority in life so I can get important things done in life. so why won't you join me and do the same? trust me you will feel a lot less frustrated if you do.

i mean why even bother with women? they only gonna give you a chance if they know for sure that they are gonna get something out of you, so why even bother? do you like to feel use? cause I sure hell dont

[art84]

Sounds like you need to focus on making friends with girls first before asking them out. I am a Christian myself and am shy as well but you really need to step away from your comfort zone and be outgoing with girls at church. Maybe join the singles group at activities and you can befriend a girl. Get to know her first, her hobbies, interest, etc. If you hit it off and become friends just go from there. If she just wants to be more than friends and hints at it, then let her know how you feel. You could try praying for a girlfriend that God helps you find a nice church going girl that loves Jesus.

[luckyGurl]

You're still young just have fun, the right girl will come along in God's perfect time :). Don't be shy around girls we're just as human as you :). If you've encountered a girl who's not that into you then move on even if you like her. The feeling should always be mutual, so if she doesn't like you then you must not like her too. Those are always my belief when it comes to having a significant other :).

Life is too beautiful to focus on things that aren't for you.

[stupidstupidme]

How did you ask her to eat with you? Did you say, "Hey let's grab coffee/lunch after service" or did you say, "hey, do you want to go out to dinner/lunch with me sometime?" They might sound the same, but the former is a "let's hang out" and the latter "I am interested in you."

Or, since you're Christian, maybe say "hey want to do a bible study together?" (or something, I don't know, whatever activities Christians do...)

[stupidstupidme]

Oh, also make it clear she can invite other people if she wants to, so it takes the pressure off and doesn't seem like you're hitting on her.

[Hyped_up_on_coffee]

Because you are not confident. why don't you like try to do things that boost your attractiveness and confidence like working out getting a few outfits that make you look hot, changing up your hair style. Or just check out a dating website for nerds.

[Betwyn]

Granted, I have not seen a pic of you... but...

Reading this, in my minds eye, I see a little mousy man...

You are short for a guy.. I imagine you are slender, and not overly muscular...

Light hair, without being bright... I imagine, pale skin...

The first thing that comes to mind, when I take what you've given/I've imagined, and I try to "shock" that image into something else...

Dye your hair dark...

[basketballgirly7]

You sound, so sweet and if she doesn't want to get to know you than its her loss. Don't worry there is someone out there for everyone its just a matter of finding them. It'll be hard sometimes but I'm sure you'll end up with some one terrific!

[moonlightromance]

well maybe the whole jumping at an opportunity thing just freaked her out...

i suggest not chasing girls anymore and acting like you don't really care...maybe they will start to chase you

[Anonymous]

You already got a dozen plus answers to this:

link

No one likes desperate man.

[katiesmuff]

Not knowing anything about you or your confidence level it is hard to determine why you are having such a hard time!

[Dandeus]

Being a metalhead, and not even of the bad boy variety, but of the outcast geek variety, chasing girls in church is probably not doing you much good.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

Sounds like you just get back up and try with a different girl.

[Somebody12]

i have that same problem nobody gives me a chance