I just found out my boyfriend has a tinder.
I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and I found out he's using tinder. I asked him about it and he said it was because he was bored, which made me ask him if he was bored with me. But he said no. He said he would never cheat on me and that he still loved me. I still love him and want to make our relationship work, what should I do?
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Most Helpful Opinion
I have learned that it matters more what they do rather than what they say. Words can be improvised or rehearsed, genuine or fake, direct or indirect. Pretty wishy-washy in terms of what we mean/could mean/might mean/do or didn't mean. However, our actions say a lot more.
Think about it. We can have an excuse for just about every behavior. But at the end of the day, we still engage in said behavior. For example: if you're on a diet and you just pigged out you might say " Well, I've been good so far on my diet. This won't hurt" or "I'll run an extra mile" or "I deserved this today." BUT, after all is said and done, you still cheated on your diet. You still didn't follow the rules. You still did what you weren't supposed to, even if you can come up for reasons why did it.
Same can be said about your boyfriend. He can tell you he was bored, that he would NEVER cheat on you, that he doesn't find yoooou boring etc. but at the end of the day, he still took every second of his time to register to a hook up site. Out actions are sometimes something we CAN'T cover up with double speak and excuses. They are blatant.
The truth is, he didn't expect you to find out. If he did, he would have said to you first "I was bored. Look what I registered for." But he didn't and I assure you that you'd be none the wiser had you not find out for yourself. You put him on the spot and he gave you a generic excuse that frees him from accountability. "I didn't do it, my BORED self did it. Shame on him. Non-bored self would NEVER do such a thing." And you buy it.
Love is a complicated thing no doubt, and even when we are faced with what seems like the obvious decision (dump him, deserve better, etc) we doubt ourselves still. You might still feel love for him but that doesn't mean something like this isn't a red flag and because of this "love", you are willing to overlook it and underplay what is a blatant red flag of what is to come. Hey, I get it. It's not always black and white, but sometimes our instinct think more clearly than our love-goggle-wearing heart. Surely he does love you. But did he respect you and the relationship? No. And isn't respect synonymous with love? You can't say "I love you, but let me get on this hookup site real quick."
It isn't so much just THIS act of a tinder account that you have to get over. You'd be mistaken if you think so. Because more likely than not, something similar to this will find its way to peeks its head out of the water one way or another, in a different shape, size, and form.
Try to work it out or not. "Trying" to sustain this sinking ship is all you will be doing from now on. Damage is done and its only a matter of time. His fault 100%. Hope you get the strength to make the right decision.
What Guys Said 3
I am incredibly surprised by all the one-sided responses; it's obvious that many here have had bad personal experiences with Tinder and/or are ostensibly biased against it for whatever reason.
I, however, have a profoundly different outlook.
Firstly, some context: I am a 24-year-old male and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 6 years. NEVER have I ever cheated or even CONSIDERED cheating on her (and I don't have any incentive to lie to you).
Guess what? I'm on Tinder, but not to look for hook-ups. My girlfriend knows I'm on Tinder, and I would let her sift through my list of "matches" if she were to ever ask. It's important to note, however, that I don't engage in any conversations with my matches. This may be a distinction from your situation; I can't speak for your boyfriend if he's openly flirting with others.
I use Tinder because it's a CONFIDENCE BOOST (guys need confidence, too). After being with my girlfriend for so long, intimacy (e.g. kissing, cuddling, sex) has dwindled over time. Although I know she still loves me, it's natural for me to feel rejected if she doesn't want intimacy from me at times. Many men struggle with this. Tinder, however, helps: it gives me tangible proof that other women DO find me attractive, which restores much-needed confidence. Tell me I have low self-esteem, but I guarantee many other men have these same feelings.
In sum, avoid knee-jerk judgments. Your boyfriend could be like me: maybe he IS bored or feeling unconfident for whatever reason, but is too embarrassed or non-confrontational to admit it. Try prying into his feelings a little more: does he seem down or rejected? Have you been giving him less attention lately? I recommend politely asking to check out his Tinder account. If he complies, you could realize you’re just being silly. If he acts defensive, then all the more reason to be suspicious.
People don't join dating/hookup apps/sites because of boredom. Either he has cheated, was looking to cheat, wanted to check out his options or wanted an ego boost. None of them sound very acceptable to me.
Is he still on there? Might be worth demanding to see his message history, although since he knows you know he has probably already removed anything incriminating.
Panic! Come to GaG! Ask random people about your situation!
No, but really, just tell him to stop here and now using that nonsense and press on. The whole "I'm SHOCKED!" thing won't do you much good, just accept that humans are dumb / imperfect about even the most obvious sh*t and let it go.
The flirtatious are going to flirt though; just be aware of that.
What Girls Said 5
I got news for TINDER..good app for cheaters. Especially if its your boyfriend !!! He's looking for daytime affairs on TINDER while im at work (he works nights) and playing house at his place during the day or their place..Nice pick up App if you want to cheat on someone..been going on since March 2014!!! God only knows how many women he has had since that time !!! Makes me sick thinking about it!!! My X-BF as of today can shove his TINDER APP and his daytime affairs up where the sun dont shine...feeling good =)
That's definitely shady. If he loves you, isn't bored with you, and is happy in the relationship he would not need to play tinder because he's "bored". There are plenty of game apps that can be downloaded that do not include hitting yes or no to members of the opposite sex. Tinder is a hook-up app. His reasoning is an excuse.
That being said, men are visual creatures and he may just be using it to pass the time. Either way, the app has got to go now that he's busted. Otherwise, well, you download the app and play it when you're bored ;)