Why can't he get over my past?

My boyfriend is extremely hung up on my past. I guess I lied by omission in the beginning of the relationship. Then one day he asked. Turns out he knew some of the guys. Since then, he gets mad at me sometimes if something reminds him of what I did. I've had to answer every question he has because otherwise he thinks I'm sneaking around now. I never had sex prior to being with him. I gave oral sex to one guy, who was a very close friend of mine at the time, like 2 years before I even knew my boyfriend existed. I love this man because he's everything I ever dreamed of, if only he'd get over my past he'd be perfect. He, however, sometimes gets mad and says it hurts him, and complains a lot. But what can I do? I can't turn back time! I tell him I realize a lot of what I did (like hooking up with strangers - no sex, just kissing) was wrong. But he tells me "Oh, NOW it's wrong, but when you did it, several times (like 4 times), you didn't think it was very wrong, or did you?"... what can I answer to that?!? He's usually very loving towards me, and this happens every once in a while. But lately it's been hurtful, because well, I don't really like the idea of him watching porn, so I mentioned it (the porn thing) and he turned it around and made it my issue, and started using my past against me. He says I don't have any moral ground to complain about porn, since I did ver inmoral and according to him worse things in my past. He says my past is a much worse issue than the porn. I asked if I had never done anything in the past, would he understand the porn thing better and he said that yes, if I'd done nothing in the past then he would think I have a right to be upset about porn, but not now because I was easy before. WHAT? Porn and my past have NOTHING to do! He says what I did is worse, but how can it be worse if I did it when I was *single* so I didn't do it to him! I didn't even know him! I stopped doing it, I'm faithful, I don't flirt, I don't dress provocatively. He keeps doing porn and while it shouldn't make me upset (or so I'm told) it still affects a tiny bit of my confidence (come on, I don't really like the idea of him getting turned on by perfect babes, not a lot of women do!). How can I get him to stop complaining about my past? Especially since I'm told that my past was very tame. I hooked up with two strangers in two different occasions. One guy forced a kiss on me and I didn't hit him. I had a friend with benefits. There, that's my past, no sex, except for the oral sex thing that happened ONCE. I don't want to break up with him though. Sigh.
Updates:
+1 y
(Oh sorry by "he keeps doing porn" I mean he watches it, not that he's a porn actor, sorry for the confusion)
1 0

Most Helpful Girls

  • I would say that he needs to learn how to have a disagreement in a civil way, and you can bring this up as the root issue.

    The root issue is not him liking porn, or you having a bad past. It's him lacking confidence and faith in you, and you being unconfident, and neither of you being able to move past disagreements in a way that provides solutions and understanding.

    When having an argument there are a few things to keep in mind.

    #1 - stick to the root of the issue. don't tell him that you aren't liking him watching porn, it's not what's really bothering you. Tell him that the porn makes you feel like you aren't as valuble to him because you are afraid that you are competing with these fake women and it makes you insecure.

    #2 - stick to the now. What is past, is past. You can't do anything about it anymore. You were that person, but that person isn't all that you are now, and neither of you guys should be holding each other to that standard. This is a topic of discussion all on its own. My suggestion? Bring up a day to air all the dirty laundry on each side, show all the steps that make that not the case any more, put them in a box, lock them away, and love each other faults and all. People are not gods. (and yes, it is hard to learn how to argue without pointing out someone's past)

    #3 -try not to get too impassioned. one person getting angry, or both, means its time to take a 5 minute break to get it all under control. Saying rash words and hurting someone's feelings is not going to rectify the issues, it is going to prolong it.

    #4 - solve it before bed. Really, else it is just going to keep repeating itself as this seems to be, and that just means each time the issue is not resolved there is that much more past connected to the issue with which to draw resentment from.

    #5 - the "I feel _____" statements that you learned as a kid really work. It makes the problem you put on the table feel less like an attack against him, and more like a situation that is attacking both of you that needs to be worked through.

    #6 - have this discussion in a private, comfortable place so both of you are less likely to be defensive and set a specific time aside for it if you have to

    #7 - when you come to an understanding of the situation on both parties sides try to reach a compromise that is the ideal, and list several steps on how to get there. This does not mean there is some lose/win on each side, as it should be a pure step toward win for both of you, just maybe not fully encompassing the full fantasy of what each other want.

    #8 - respect/love each other. And this means when you guys fall off the rocker and the discussion does get heated, apologize, not for how you feel or who you are but for your derailment of a thing that is trying to work for the benefit of the both of you in favor of the feelings that are in your benefit alone.

  • that is the exact same problem that I have, I mean he does things wrong all the time but he always says its different I mean I have done oral sex with a few guys 3-4 all being drunk one night stupid things and only had sex once, he has had oral sex and done sexual things with wayyy more girls , he has never had sex before me but he had been close to it millions of times and had tried once but it didn't work or something but he hasn't even told me everything even now and we have been going out for a year but I would rather not know as it doesn't matter, yet I have never lied to him and always told him the truth but he gets mad at me and I don't even go out anymore so I don't annoy him but even if I speak to guys he gets mad, but every weekend he goes out with his friends guys and GIRLS and goes to the dancing but he says that it is different and that its not the same and he falls out with me and almost breaks up with me because of my past and it makes me so annoyed cause I can't change time and if knew I was going to meet him then I wouldn't have but he just doesn't get it, even though he goes out even with people he has been with before and he says that its different because he is a guy! I mean really that isn't an excuse, but whenever I try to argue with him about something he changes around and just makes it my fault and makes out like I am the bad person even though I never go out or talk to guys atal anymore but he goes out and gets so drunk that he can't even remember what he is doing even when he is with girls and at the dancing, but he has swore he has never cheated on me!

    plus. I brought up the porn thing too I hate it, no matter what any guy says, if you are going out with someone who isn't comfortable with it then DONT do it, it makes them feel like they aren't good enough for you and that they aren't enough, also people in porn always seem to have perfect bodies and makes you feel less confident and always they are looking at other women naked and that's NOT ok. its either your girlfriend or porn to be honest, it makes me so angry when my boyfriend watches porn but somehow he still manages to turn the argument on me,i don't like it atal and it makes me annoyed like he has cheated on me, whether you think its pathetic or not, if you are going out with someone you can't watch porn its only fair!

  • that is the exact same problem that I have, I mean he does things wrong all the time but he always says its different I mean I have done oral sex with a few guys 3-4 all being drunk one night stupid things and only had sex once, he has had oral sex and done sexual things with wayyy more girls , he has never had sex before me but he had been close to it millions of times and had tried once but it didn't work or something but he hasn't even told me everything even now and we have been going out for a year but I would rather not know as it doesn't matter, yet I have never lied to him and always told him the truth but he gets mad at me and I don't even go out anymore so I don't annoy him but even if I speak to guys he gets mad, but every weekend he goes out with his friends guys and GIRLS and goes to the dancing but he says that it is different and that its not the same and he falls out with me and almost breaks up with me because of my past and it makes me so annoyed cause I can't change time and if knew I was going to meet him then I wouldn't have but he just doesn't get it, even though he goes out even with people he has been with before and he says that its different because he is a guy! I mean really that isn't an excuse, but whenever I try to argue with him about something he changes around and just makes it my fault and makes out like I am the bad person even though I never go out or talk to guys atal anymore but he goes out and gets so drunk that he can't even remember what he is doing even when he is with girls and at the dancing, but he has swore he has never cheated on me!

    plus. I brought up the porn thing too I hate it, no matter what any guy says, if you are going out with someone who isn't comfortable with it then DONT do it, it makes them feel like they aren't good enough for you and that they aren't enough, also people in porn always seem to have perfect bodies and makes you feel less confident and always they are looking at other women naked and that's NOT ok. its either your girlfriend or porn to be honest, it makes me so angry when my boyfriend watches porn but somehow he still manages to turn the argument on me,i don't like it atal and it makes me annoyed like he has cheated on me, whether you think its pathetic or not, if you are going out with someone you can't watch porn its only fair!

Most Helpful Guys

  • First of all. I actually like this guy. Your situation reminds me of my and my ex girlfriend. I remember one time I met a group of 4 guys who were her "friends". It turns out these guys were the guys she had a kissing fling with while I was away in another state for the summer. It hurt me cause I had no idea it was them, and I even shook their hands and treated them with respect. Although she did tell me, I never really got over it until a few months later.

    Let me say this. He will get over it... eventually. The hard part, is getting there. You must tell him that he shouldn't worry anymore, that your there for him and he's the one you want in your life. I know it's difficult, because a lot of guys are insecure, at least at first. But by no means does he seem like a bad guy. I know it's cruel or perhaps might lead to an argument, but you should "playfully" threaten him that you'll break up with him if he doesn't forget your past. He needs to witness what it might be like without you to realize how much you really mean to him. My ex did this to me, and boy was I scarred shitless.

    Stop talking about the past, don't tell him anymore of it, because honestly there isn't any worth discussing. I understand why you were so honest, because you really like him. But he has to learn that you can't move forward if your still dwelling in the past.

    As for the porn. Tell him if he continues to watch porn you won't continue to be sexual with him. Porn is addictive. I won't say it's wrong or immoral, but it is an addiction. He probably does this to make himself feel better when he's thinking of you with those other guys. It's his "comfort medicine". You need to tell him to stop, he's only hurting the relationship, not you.

    Now I know some girls or maybe even a few guys might tell you to dump this guy, but I disagree. Were all not perfect. We all get jealous and we all lack self esteem issues. It's the process and the priority to which we allow ourselves to become better that makes all the difference. There is a lot of work involved, I know. And believe me it won't be easy, but the end results are always worth it if your willing to give it a try.

    Hope this helps :).

    • hey,hey Why pick on porn? Any and everything can be an addiction Duhhhh!!!!! So can GAMBLING SPORTS SNIFFING GLUE DRUGS VIDEO GAMES where does it end with being an addiction?

    • So you think people need to read the Bible more, if you read the Bible you would know that Pornography is from the Devil. Maybe you need to read a little, my love.

    • Everything addictive? Yep: I confess I don't feel good when working if my bottle of plain water isn't there. It's my "comfort medicine". He should indeed stop thinking about what you did before you were with him. That's the past and 1. It's not shameful 2. It can't be undone The only thing he can do is to accept it, to accept you WITH your past. You can persuade him he just is using it as a false argument against you when you're discussing HIS shortcoming(s):

    • Show All
  • wow.. I have to say it.. RUN. He is going to be nuts and drive you crazy. It is nice of him to show his true colors now, RUN. His porn is a much bigger moral issue than you kissing someone before you ever met your boyfriend. RUN. He is showing how he is going to be treating you for years to come, RUN. You have more value as a human being than to put up with a guy who is so insecure. RUN.

    There is another rule of thought on this topic. Jealousy is often a symptom reflected of the other person's behavior. He might already be doing things that are not appropriate for your relationship, and reflecting his guilt onto you, RUN baby RUN.

    Good Luck

    James

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What's Your Opinion? Sign Up Now!

What Girls & Guys Said

13 20
  • Honestly, I say f.uck him. I've had to put up with that shit before, from a guy who couldn't get over the fact that I'd slept with two people before I even knew of his EXISTENCE, and he bitched about it through the entire 9 months we were together.

    He can't see eye-to-eye with you and he's being irrational and possessive. You have no reason to apologize for things that happened in the past that didn't even involve him. If he can't understand after all of this, I say get out while you can.

  • Honesty is key however hun he's holding something against that doesn't or shouldn't really apply to your relationship with him. The guy is being foolish and immature you're past is amazing you've been very moral.

    I think you should possibly trying breaking it off with him just temporarly and see how bad he misses you. I bet he'll be happy to forgive and forget if he thinks he's lost you because he was being an ass.

    With the porn that comes with maturity too. He might grow out of it might look every once in awhile but you should take it personal. Males a biologically more visual he's not doing it to hurt you or because he doesn't think you're beautiful. Possibly just as a past time.

  • Ugh, another one of these guys. I used to be that same immature guy, but I got over it by reminding myself that the past is the past and my girlfriend is who she is today, the person I love, because of her past experiences, good or bad. So mistakes and successes are like battle scars and make a person unique. A brand new Corvette is flashy and pristine, but an old Chevelle SS has its share of nicks and scratches, and a ton of good stories behind it. Give me the Chevelle any day over the new Vette because it's got more character. So until he figures out how to embrace you in the present and stop living in the past then it won't get any easier for your relationship.

  • you lied to him, and it's all his fault that he can't get over your lies?

  • I say leave him, he won't take responsibilities for his actions, he's acting like a little boy.. I know you don't want to break up with him because of the positive feelings you have for him, but there are also negative feelings buried inside too... and you need to rid of those, either do a seperation for breathing and a chance for him to realize he needs to stop throwing your past in your face... breaks sound tough but they help you see the real picture through another perspective..

    I just want to say, you don't sound like a whore, its not like you're running around sleeping with every man who winks at you.. You're a typical young woman experiancing life in a lady like way.. WHat's wrong with kissing a little, while you're not married or in a relationship? Women out in this world have done farrrrrrr worse things..

    dont be sad, try and take time for you inbetween talking to him about a break (if you take this advice) and go by the pool do your nails and relax, time by yourself or with positive loved ones, can do wonders for your self esteem. :-)

    good luck I hope you get through this and figure things out.

    xoxo

    • Wait a sec. if she's being a typical young woman And sleeping woth a every Jack and Dick By definition that's a SLUT or WHORE Where or Where are peoples' morals and values? I guess people need to start reading the bible more

    • Bgreek... are you reading properly? She never slept with anyone. You sound way off in your comments.

    • Yeah you didn't read right.. she ISNT a WHORE she KISSED a boy ooooooo ahhhh how horrible.. kissing is ok, sleeping around is a big no no! And I am a Christian, I'm not a perfect Christian, but I live a Christ filled life, and I don't think kissing is a bad thing. being "fruitful" is. sorry you read it wrong bgreek1 you also made a point I agree, people do need to read the Bible more.

    • Show All
  • He's inexperienced, dumb, and probably doesn't realize what a spaz he's being. Guys usually grow out of this, but I think it's usually with the next girl.

  • You have a lot of really great answers already, so I hope my 2 cents isn't just a rehash of what other people already said who said it better (sorry, I didn't read all their comments).

    This is how I would respond. "Yes, I think what I did in my past was wrong. I made decisions I am not proud of and I have since tried to change my life to be a better person. That doesn't excuse what I did, but I can't change it and I am trying to do the right things now. But your behavior is now. It reflects decisions you are making now and the kind of person you are now. Regardless, my mistakes don't excuse yours. Are you trying to say that because I did some things wrong before that makes it okay for you to do things that are wrong now? Yeah, I have a problem with you watching porn. I don't think it is right, and it hurts my feelings. I hope that out of respect for me and what is right that you would choose not to watch it."

    Doing a wrong thing is not justified because somebody else did or does a wrong thing. We are each responsible for and own our decisions. He has to own his now. The games he is playing are disingenuous and hypocritical and may be a smokescreen for some other issues he has going on. What he is doing is hurtful and manipulative and I think you should be very wary of progressing too far in this relationship if his behavior continues like this.

  • First of all, remember that all guys (at least the ones with any sex drive) watch porn. It is a harmless thing, unless they are obsessed about it or spending too much time on it.

    Tell him that after starting this relationship with him you never even think of other guys. If any one flirts with you in front of him, ask them to get lost!

    Other possibility is that he may be wanting to play some sexual game with him where he wants to "punish" you for being a "bad girl" in the past.

    • Wtf ???

  • lol think about it...he's trying to control you...I hate when you women let your guys blame everything on you and complain to you. Get a man who is POSITIVELY dominant. A man who thinks, before he acts, a man who sees the real you instead of hiding behind your past. A man who knows his destiny instead of complaining about everything else. You quote "He's usually very loving towards me, and this happens every once in a while." WHAT! Find someone who can love you ALL the time. Someone who CHARISHES you! You don't want to break up with him...so you're single for a little bit. Find someone who wants to you...FOR YOU!

  • honesty is good. and if he can get over the fact you have had more relationships than him, that will help a bit. if he can't bare being with someone like you with that past, then maybe it's for the best. because sometimes if he may bring it up later, it might hurt you...when he gets suddenly mad remembering. if he wants to be with you, he'll get over it, accept your past.

  • I totally understand jealousy as a guy when you're in love with somebody. BUT, one must accept that she has a past and as a healthy person she had some boyfriends. In the quest of finding the ONE, she tried hard and have had some relationships.

    I think, as human beings, we have one power: We can change the future by acting in present. BUT, the past can not be changed. The past is the past and nothing to do with it.

    Don't be scared or ashamed for your past. You did your best... You researched for Mr.Right and maybe now you found him. All others stayed in the past. He must accept it. If he try to run back time it's impossible. And he can't start a war with your past.

    And finally, all guys watch porn, it's a normal thing: you should not use this against him...

  • was he a virgin when you met? if so your just gunna have to deal

    also how old are you 2?

  • well to me it really sounds like he's very insecure... he likes to bring up your past a lot and make you feel like crap.. I mean you told him you know what you did was wrong and it keeps bringing it up.. before things get worst I think you should sit down and talk to him and tell him how you feel... and about the porn thing most guys watch porn regardless of what girlfriends say... but if its a really big issue with you then you need to talk to him.. and he doesn't have a right to compare your past with porn they are totally different and he has no right to bring it up... but just try talking to him

  • sounds like you just need to tell him to get over it especially if you weren't sleeping around. He must of hooked up with people before you.

  • From a guy whose past makes people wash their hands, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

    First, hooking up with strangers is perfectly fine. It passes the time.

    Also, the past is dead. He's dating who you are, not who you were, and he's only entitled to hear what you're ready to tell him.

    Realize he's running a head game on you. He wants a license to do anything he wants (like watch porn), so he's trying to use your past as a permanent guilt trip.

    Are you sure you don't want to dump the guy? Because here's the proposal you'll have to make: "Get over my past of get over me." Until he's faced with this choice, he won't make it.

    • I completely agree.

  • This is kind of like my ex and myself. The only difference is she was flirting with guys,(at least that's all I know) while we were dating. and then RIGHT after we broke up. she started kissing one of the guys she was flirting with. I was upset for a while. but I got over it. She keeps on saying it doesn't matter because she was single. and it wasnt so much that she was kissing and doing stuff with another guy right after we broke up, but more that it was with one of the guys she was flirting with. I got over it. She was single.

    Now as of your man. He needs to get over your past. because it was before you were even with him. If it was me. I could care less what a girl has done before me. As long as she's faithful while with me. Yes you were not exactly open with him at the beginning, but that is perfectly normal. Not recommended. but normal. If he can't get over it. Be hard on him.

    The porn thing. If he cares about you. and you want him to stop. Then he should stop. What you did in the past doesn't matter because it is exactly that, THE PAST. Tell him what you have done in the past shouldnt matter. especially because you have apologized about it. and tell him him watching porn IS worse. because he is doing something you don't like him doing. in the present. while he is still complaining about the past.

    He needs to get his priorities straight. and if he keeps on bringing up the past. Tell him that if he truly cares about you, that he will stop watching porn. and of course he will bring up the past. but this time when he does that. tell him that you care about him, and that is why you came open about your past. and that you have changed. FOR HIM. because you truly care about him, and that you can't be with a man who doesn't care about you. so if he keeps watching porn it will tell you he doesn't care about you. and that you will break it off. you don't have to be serious about that. but make him think you are. trust me if he cares about you. it will scare the living shit out of him. and he will stop

    I hope this helps you out

  • This sounds mean, but annoy him about his own past.

    No ones past is perfect, everyone has secrets and things they aren't proud of.

    The things you aren't proud of he whines about, so why not whine about the things he isn't proud of?

  • Ok. He sounds like someone I know... minus the porn lol. He's just insecure that's all!

  • this guy is minipulative and honestly its kinda emotional abuse, he either needs a good screaming at or you should dump him I know you love him but if he makes you feel bad about yourself then he's not the guy for you you don't deserve this...

  • I agree with the TexPlayboy myself. How old is this kid? It sounds like he could really use some experience of his own. I don't like how you say "kissing strangers is wrong." If you're consenting and safe about it, and if that's what you want to do, THEN IT ISN'T WRONG.

    Break up with him, and if you really, really care, then get back to him years from now, when he's had some experiences of his own. Life isn't all about idealized romance.

  • Show More (13)