My boyfriend treats me poorly but then blames me for complaining. I love him but what do I do?

[Anonymous]

I have been with my boyfriend for three and a half years. During this three and a half years he has rarely taken me out, not included me with his friends much, emotionally cheated by flirting on his phone/Facebook, ditched me on weekends because he was hungover from the night before or to club with his friends, and called me rude names like "crazy psychotic b *tch when fighting " and then he seems not to really have cared about doing these things although I tell him it HURTS me. It sounds bad but we also have amazingly good times and I care about him lots. I always take care of him when he's sick, took him to Vegas, back rub him to sleep when I stay over, supported him when he moved away for a bit and took the bus 100$ each way to see him on the weekends, make his birthday special each year, and treat his family like my own. Although it may seem it I'm not a stupid girl or ugly either, I'm educated and have guys compliment me. Our relationship has gone downhill since October we fight constantly because he just seems to have stopped caring. Before when he'd do things I'd always forgive him because he'd apologize and claim how much he loves me. Now we won't talk for a week after he's been hurtful and he'll act like he's done nothing wrong. This past weekend I got upset because he wanted to nap and lounge around by himself instead of seeing me and I knew I would not seem him for three weeks had we not seen each other. In his eyes me being upset about not seeing him and expressing that to him is "complaining" and therefore he did not do anything for me for valentines day because I was complaining and he claims "I know I let you down v-day but that's all I do now because that's all you tell me and expect me to do" but my boyfriend has never done anything other than really let me down, at first it was no big deal and thought with time it'd get better. 3.5 years in I guess I complain about it because I thought he would start acting like he cared more. Today after a week of not talking he texted me saying I was his best friend and he loves me lots and he really misses me and would be sad if we broke up to lose his best friend and that work stresses him out and that he takes it out on me I asked him why he didn't care when I tell him things hurt me and he said "its because you complain about me almost everyday". I complain because he doesn't want to spend time with me or doesn't treat me like I think a girlfriend should be treated. And then he says he doesn't care because I complain. He does not even try to prove me wrong by doing something nice..Just lets me slip through his fingers. The easy answer is to leave this guy but he claims he loves me which makes it hard for me because he says it but does not show it. I love him very much and want to make it work. If you think there's no hope then say it but if you think there's something I can do or we can do to fix this I'd like to hear it. Appreciate it so much! Thanks

[Anonymous]

Are you dating my boyfriend by any chance? lol I am going through the SAME exact thing. I'm also trying to figure out what to do. Everyone tells me to leave him because I deserve better and I think you should do the same. I keep telling them no because they don't know him well like I do and I deeply love him but I realized feeling so unloved the majority of the time just is not worth it. I know it's extremely hard to leave someone you love esp. if they are telling you they love you and asking for you back (I fell for it many times and got back with him) but do you really want to play his annoying and painful games forever? I know in normal relationships people don't ignore each other for days esp. after insulting his girlfriend first and then making you feel bad by blaming everything on you... and the worst part is you start to believe it right? and then get down on yourself and you end up blaming yourself too. well do NOT believe that it's bs and they say it to make themselves feel better and try to convince themselves at the same time that it's all your fault. my boyfriend even says it's all my fault and curses at me and I'm a pretty and educated and classy girl who doesn't deserve that and I'm sure you are the same. then he does blame everything on me and then ignores me for days, then comes back as if nothing happened and acts like he loves me and doesn't want to lose me and of course I take him back each time.. it's going on right now actually and I'm sure he will be calling or texting me after ignoring me for a few days and act like nothing happened. well I know exactly how emotionally draining it is trust me. I'm in the same dilemma but I think this time I will try VERY hard to not go back to him & try to keep remembering all the bad feelings I've been put through. if a guy finds keepers like us (which are rare because most girls are terrible) and they treat you this way and don't care when they make you upset and ignore for days and blame knowing how upset they are making you... they are insecure and not grown men. they don't know what they have until it's gone.. but you can't keep leaving and coming back, imagine if you are married! do you want someone who you are stuck with to make you feel this way or even worse? no.. that's what I decided and maybe you should think about that too. wouldn't you like someone who lets you speak your mind and express how you feel and comforts you in return? and someone who always wants to be with you so you don't even have the chance to complain about them not spending time with u? I know these guys are out there.. but it's hard to leave the one you love now. but think about how much better you will feel when you do find the right guy who treats you like you are the most amazing woman he's ever met (or seen). I am honestly in the exact position you are in and it's tough..but maybe we will both respect ourselves enough to just stop falling for the sweet words and remember how bad they make us feel. keep ur head up you deserve better!

[sjb1983]

Your boyfriend is abusive. Look up "domestic abuse" on Google and you'll see what I mean. My husband was the same way. We were together ten years and he would blame me for everything no matter how hard I tried to please him. I was never good enough. It sounds like this is what you're going through, too-- you bend over backwards, but nothing is ever good enough for him, and in fact, it seems everything you do is wrong in his eyes. That's emotional abuse, and it's very rare for an abuser to successfully complete any form of anger management or therapy. My husband went through anger management classes twice and completed it, supposedly successfully, but still treated me like I was worthless and oftentimes even told me so... "You're worthless, I don't even know why I married you!" One time he even went so far as to sleep with my sister and tell me he didn't love me, but suddenly when I finally saw that nothing I could do would ever be good enough, "Don't leave me, you're the only woman I ever want to be with, I love you, I'm begging you not to do this to me." And I went back to him FIVE times only to face the same thing when I went back: "You're worthless," and one time after I had left him the first time my sister called me to talk and he answered because I was busy but he brought the phone to me and she told me that he said to her, "I don't really want her back but I don't want to have to pay child support for the rest of my life." Eventually (after four more times, yeah, may seem stupid, but it was more out of pity for him and not wanting him to be alone to fend for himself, as he's visually impaired and has a lot of trouble doing things on his own), I realized that my leaving temporarily was not going to wake him up and I decided to leave him for good. I've been separated from him for more than a year now, and he still does the same thing-- he calls me to beg me to take him back, but then he'll get mad when I refuse and tell me I'm a worthless gold digger, even though I worked a majority of the time we were together and he has been on Social Security since 2004. Seriously, I would suggest getting out of that relationship before your self-esteem is severely damaged.

[cali_boi18]

In my honest opinion, you are better off without him as your boyfriend. He's pretty much become disinterested in you unless it's convenient for him(i.e. back rubs, making his birthday special, ect). Trust me, guys know when they are distancing themselves unless like I said it is convenient for us. He knows he can ignore you and you'll just want him even more. All he has to do is tell you he loves you and he knows he has control over you. Trust me, this guy just ain't rite for you. You sound like a smart girl, and believe me when I tell you this: You should never commit yourself to to a person who you know isn't completely commited to you. Trust your gut, not your heart. It can mislead you in so many ways. Basically you shud start distancing yourself from him to make it less painful for the both of you. Make it clear that you can still be friends. There are many fish still left in the sea for you. Many of which will take the time to care for and appreciate you. But first you have to have the will to leave this one-sided relationship. I wish you all the luck in the world.

[Anonymous]

I all also in a bad, troubled, emitionally abusive relAtionship. It has only been 1 yr and 3 months for me though. He has major anger, temper, issues and trust issues too as well as I'm pretty sure a mental disorder of some type, but I'm not positive which one. We fight every weekend now. It is ruining my whole weekend and life. I'm sick of it. He has the adacacity to say " I'm so sick of your shit " its do old" . Which is hilarious!!! Since its his crap that I can't put up auth any longer. Like being called a cunt, bitch, whore, totally and completely being disrespected. I honestly am so emotionally and physically exhausted from it all. I feel like I need to put into a psych ward practically done days. Sadly. He has drove me to go to the ER one night because I felt mildly suicidal. I am bipolar and the stress he puts on me isn't good for new st all. I take part in the fighting Im not gonna lie, but I never put him down until he's berated
Me do bad I lose it and hit him because I can't take the abuse anymore. Your worthless, your life is meaningless, every guy you are with in the future will cheat on you. I have no idea why he would even say that. So girls.. Stop the nonsense LEAVE these immature, poor, sad, pos, boys who aren't worth it. They deserve to be alone. I'm not sticking around for the abuse any more. I'm worth do much mire more this. Love means nothing when this is the treatment I get when he's angry. He hot do mad at me once that he left me at a baseball game. Another time he told me he was going to pull me out of a moving car by my hair and abandon me. I was crying and begging him not to do that. He has traumatized me more times than I can count. This is all making me very angry and so so sad. I'm ready to end it all with him today. Wish me luck. Find better men and love.

Anonymously,
Finding hope

[Anonymous]

If you love him and he says he loves you, then just stick with him.

[Anelee63]

I hope you've left him. He's VERY abusive