Fear...guilt...pain...shame...
Confusion...
I have a scar.
A scar etched into my soul.
It is a secret I carry deep within
Pain a silent and lonesome battle
On the outside I smile and appear to be alright
On the inside storms ared never ending
I'm afraid of touch
I'm afraid of silence
Silence is when someone can hurt me
I'm alone I want to escape
Day after day I fight my battle
A weary soldier dusty and worn out
Escape escape I must
I don't run I stay there
That hand so foreign against my breastbone
I maybe could run but she is much bigger
My head is running I escape far far away
I try not to feel the sweaty palms entering my shirt
Caressing me and hurting
I pretend not to see the camera that took away what shred of dignity I had.
I want a way out .
A year passes. I dont like to dress up. I blame myself I must deserve it. I am provoking it. Why did I not run? The question haunts me.
Another year goes by. I have enshrouded myself in a vail of depression. I wear baggy clothes and no makeup. I try to hide myself because I am ashamed. I don't want to be pretty. I don't want to be violated. Many times I wanted an end. Not to die but to escape. I never did cut because I did not want the scars. I go to the hospital and feel crazy their. My behavior becomes the problem. I dare not tell them because will they believe me? Women don't abuse. I want to drop out of school school is not safe I go more than 8 hours a day with out going to the bathroom because I am scared oh the bathroom can be so scary.
Now I am 19. I look back and relize what a waste it was all those years. I forgive myself and give myself the permission to move on. I allow myself to mourn my childhood which was stolen when I was still a young child. I don't abuse myself anymore. I excersise and I am trying to get thin again after weight gain from antidepressants. I now longer remain silent. All the energy I need to heal is going there not to be silent. Silence is dangerous and lonely don't fight your battle alone.
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Opinion
1Opinion
depression is a terrible thing. been battling it, along with PTSD and alcoholism for years now. I have the army to thank for that.
Yes and thankyou for your service from my freind I think I learned many spirits are casualties of the battle feild I learned the war sometimes starts when it ends. I can't imagine even