Though I am more outgoing than I give myself credit for, I am still more on the reserved side. A GAG friend and I agree that this site is “shy central” and a lot of questions on this site boil down to if something is wrong with shyness and that is how I found Girls Ask Guys.
Let’s begin by defining “shy” and “confident”. “Shy” is defined as “bashful, reserved” and “confident” is defined “having assurance or certainty, as of success” (The New American Heritage Dictionary, New College Edition). These are two distinct concepts, but I think a lot of people mix them up. If you are not careful, your shyness can erode your confidence.
A quote I like, though religious in intent, applies the same basic principle and comes from Saint Francis of Assisi, who said “preach the Gospel at all times. If necessary, use words”. Think about that for a moment. My freshman year of college, I was walking to class when a girl two years ahead of me greeted me and called me by name. I gave her an unknowing smile because I didn’t recognize her. She introduced herself and noted that I’d held a door for her earlier that week. My senior year, I got a card in my mailbox from a girl (she did not identify herself) that said how much she appreciated my chivalry and would never forget a time when I called some guys out for their lack thereof. I have no memory of this, but someone else does. Someone is always watching and listening.
You should never dislike your shyness!
Silent Cal was the nickname for President Calvin Coolidge. A popular anecdote about him happened during a dinner party. An attending journalist bet that she could get him to say three words. At the end of the night, he walked by her and said “you lose” Calvin Coolidge. He enjoyed his soft-spoken nature. How did he meet his wife? She was watering flowers outside of the school for deaf children where she worked when she saw him through a window at a nearby boardinghouse, shaving in nothing but long underwear and a top hat. He was 33 when they married, an old man in 1905. Grace Coolidge, the “fun and flirty girl” in GAG terms, was the exact opposite of her husband.
Another example of a shy personality who had a significant impact is George Washington George Washington. He took on the British Empire, a death wish at best in that time. He fed his troops out of his own pocket, kept his poorly-trained army together when facing extreme cold and starvation, was the man Congress begged for when things were going wrong in the government, and was the only man ever unanimously voted to the presidency. Two women also rejected his marriage proposals before he married Martha Custis (The Spiritual Journey of George Washington, Janice T. Connell).
Finally on shyness, a more recent example comes from a man in the US Army Ranger Hall of Fame, Command Sergeant Major Donald Purdy (retired), a man who is not shy by any means. I met him once and he is a type-A through and through. However, he said something during his talk that was very profound. He said “meek does not mean weak”.
You should never dislike your shyness. Why? One reason that comes to mind is that based on my conversations here and other answers I’ve seen, a lot of girls think shy guys are, and I will use a direct quote from another GAG friend, “absolutely adorable”. As for my personal preference, I say the same thing about shy girls. As you can see from the historical examples, these men were shy and yet were trusted leaders because they were confident. If confidence is no struggle for you, you don’t need to read one more line of this article.
Here are some tips to increase your confidence. Some of these are more applicable to guys, but ladies, feel free to comment if you have advice for either gender.
1. Make a list of things you do well and things you want to improve on. Don’t head it “Stuff I’m good at/Stuff I suck at”, but rather “Sustain/Improve”. Whether you play guitar well, play basketball well, have artistic talent, or simply are a good friend, write it down and then teach someone your skill; become the master. For “Improve”, think of things you’ve done in your life in which you’ve either struggled or failed but want to try again and make a plan for how you will improve them. Have a separate column for things you are currently improving or simply put them under “Improve”.
2. Have a confident and professional appearance. While walking, pick up the pace, add a little bounce to your step, and let your arms swing naturally. Stand up straight with your feet no more or less than shoulder-width apart, head up, chest forward, and shoulders back. Be well-groomed and have good hygiene. Have a firm handshake and look someone in the eye while talking with them. Have the tiniest bit of a smile too.
3. Do not deflect compliments. Do not deflect compliments. DO NOT. DEFLECT. COMPLIMENTS.
4. Use your friends as a training ground (warn them); over-inflate your confidence. Watch a TV show that has a character who is over-confident and emulate the character, but only with friends in a private setting. I recommend Futurama (Bender), NCIS (Tony), and King of The Hill (Peggy, for the ladies). Caricature yourself. Show you can take a joke, which ties in with my next point.
5. Relax! Watch this video:
Watch HIM, not just his hands. Is he thinking “I’ve got to play this completely right or everyone will think I’m terrible”? No, he’s thinking about his patterns, style, legato runs, and speed picking but more importantly, his absolute base of thought is “I am Mark Tremonti and I love to play guitar!” Get into a pattern and tell yourself over and over again “I am (your name) and I am doing this”. Don’t think about possible failure, but about what you are doing and take the punches as they come.
6. Get into an environment in which you are not experienced or comfortable. I recommend working in retail and customer service for a while. You have to maintain a professional appearance, follow a schedule, constantly interact with people you don’t know, and have a product you believe in and convince people to buy it. It can be anything from appliances to clothing.
7. After getting my question answered, I saw other questions and thought “I have an answer for that!” Here is one of my Best Answers of which I am particularly proud. How Can I Get Over Something This Devastating. I frequently go back and re-read this. The most common reason that I receive friend requests is “I liked some of your answers and you seem like a good guy”. Remember, people are watching and reading what you have to say.
Outgoing confidence openly tells the world “I’m not afraid of you.” Quiet confidence is a sense of mystique. It is a magnet. It is an unbreakable spirit. It looks a challenge in the eye and boldly says “bring it”.
Confidence is not so much a practice, but a state of mind to be practiced. It is attained through discipline, among other things. It stems from knowing you can undergo that discipline. By simply knowing that, you can become more confident. Don’t expect results immediately. Entire books have been written about developing confidence. At your local bookstore, there is probably a whole section dedicated to self-help. Some of you reading this may even have loads of confidence that you didn’t even know you had. It all comes down to knowing what you have within you and knowing how to release it.
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