Why I STILL Haven't Given Up (On Men)

BuchitaBuchys

*Warning. This may contain offensive material to some. It was mainly a response to another take. It contains personal details and aspects of my life that I kept hidden for a long time growing up. This is also a long read, so you can ignore it or skip to the TLDR at the bottom.


Why I STILL Haven't Given Up (On Men)


My family is Machista. They value men more than women. For most of my life, I have seen females being treated wrongly by men. By husbands, boyfriends, fathers, brothers, uncles, relatives, loved ones. This is NOT to say that women aren't capable of such acts. This is NOT blaming men as a whole. This is merely from my observations and experiences. Please read all the way through to the end before labeling me as feminazi-man-hating-victimizing-women-blaming-men.


My grandparents never let my mom go to school. She cried and begged, but they told her it was pointless cuz she "would only get as smart as a girl can get". She even begged for her brothers (my uncles) to help teach her. They laughed and mocked her. They refused. She is self taught read, write, and some math.


My father was very abusive, he was a man of many vices. He smoked, did drugs, drank, and cheated constantly. He'd waste his money on bars and women leaving us hungry. I even had to eat dog food to survive. Yes. My mom asked a "friend" of hers to please give us something, my dad was missing (he'd often take weeks off from us, and we had no idea where he was). So her "friend" gave us a dog food can in a mockingly way and said that was all she had. So my mom had no choice but to "cook" it and serve it with tortillas. We'd go days without eating. I remember that I was so happy one day that I found a "trick" to stop the hunger. I taught it to my little brother cuz he was only about 1-2yrs old at the time, and he was crying from hunger. We went to the hose, and we drank lots and lots of water. I remember telling him how it helps stop your stomach from feeling empty for a little while. We also lived very poorly, and there were rats and roaches. Yuck right? Well another trick I had learned is to drink with your teeth. Nasty, but if you kept your teeth like a smile as you drank, it stopped you from drinking roaches. Not my proudest moments, but you gotta do what you gotta do to survive.


We'd get evicted a lot cuz my dad would fight the landlord or refuse to pay rent. We saw winters without heat, summers without electricity (in Chicago). He was also a bit crazy. FOR FUN, he'd come home drunk and grab a bucket, and wake us all up by throwing cold water on us. Why cold water? As I said, we would usually be without heat. We would wake up terrified and cold, and he'd laugh.


My dad would beat the shit out of us. He would have bruises on top of bruises, he'd even make us bleed.
Once, he literally dragged me by my hair, threw me in the tub, and turned on the cold water. Why? Because I didn't wanna eat chile. I was 2yrs old when this happened. My mother screamed and cried for him to stop. My father used water mainly to abuse us. I guess this is where my water phobia stems from. I drink water, I shower daily, but I cannot swim. I don't like to be submerged.


My dad would have my uncles and his drinking buddies over.
Some of them came into our rooms and touched us. It's horrifying to wake up with your underwear off and drunk men towering over you. It is something my sisters and I would cry ourselves to sleep. We'd hate the nights for a long time. I never wanted to wake up sometimes.


My dad would beat my mom. He nearly stabbed my mama to death in front of me when I was 3-4yrs old. I have never experienced that much fear to this day. I still remember her screams. I hated myself for instead of helping her, cowered in fear underneath the covers. My older brothers (they were 8 and 9 at the moment) jumped in front and told my dad if he wanted to hurt her, he'd have to hurt them first. I was so terrified I just wanted my dad to stop. Thankfully someone called the cops and saved my mom's life, and maybe ours too.


Cuz of this, my siblings and I went from foster to foster home. My mom did everything to get us back. My dad didn't care and said he was happy without us.
When we finally got back to them, my dad was still cheating and mistreating. He got arrested and deported and my mom raised us single.
We did help her though. I have been working odd jobs since 12, and got full time job at 16 while in school.


That was when my older brother decided to mooch. He would smoke and drink. I would come home to find he had eaten all the food. I'd be tired and we always argued. He sold drugs and tried to force my 12yr old sell. He'd refused and get hit.
He once pointed a gun at him. I'd be at work worried sick that my older brother would seriously hurt my kid brothers. I would kick him out the house and he'd force himself back. I would even break down in tears in my lunch break cuz I was so worried that one day I'd come home and my little brothers would be shot or in the hospital cuz of my oldest brother.
I'd have choke marks, black eyes, bruises. He'd try to fight my younger brothers, I would jump in and take the beatings instead.


I've been stalked. At my job, at 17yrs stalked by a 30+yr old man. He sexually harassed me and other coworkers as well. It is not as easy as people think to get someone fired over sexual harassment. He would ask me out every single day. I would tell him and my superiors how uncomfortable it made me. He even yelled at me in front of the customers, calling me a slut, hoe, bitch, skank and saying how I only wanted to remain single to "slut around". He would tell the other male coworkers to not talk to me. He'd yell at me and tell me to not talk to other men. I would tell him to please not talk to me anymore or I'd have no choice but report his behavior. He didn't stop and would harass me. I reported this not to my boss, but the shift supervisor. I didn't wanna go to the boss because I didn't wanna get him fired. I know how hard it is to find a job, so I didn't want him to be fired, just to stop bothering me. He resorted to following me. One day, I took my lunch break. He was not scheduled to work. He didn't have a car. He lived about 1.5-2hrs away (on public transit) from the job. He KNEW when I took my lunck break, and he had memorized my favorite restaurant. He sat in my favorite restaurant, my table, and even sat on my exact seat where I took my lunck break. I was so freaked out and asked him why would he come on his day off? And he said he wanted to talk to me, that he really liked me. I lost my appetite cuz I didn't know what this man was capable of. He ended up licking another coworker during her lunch break. She was sitting by herself in the backroom. He closed the door, went behind her, and licked her neck. He then looked her in the eyes and told her that she better not tell anyone. She ended up reporting this. He finally got fired. I walked to work cuz I didn't have a car, and my friends and family all offered me rides cuz they didn't know if he ever followed me home. Thankfully, he didn't.


Flash forward to now. I'm a faithful woman. Both my exes cheated on me, both lied and denied even with proof. Now they both want me back.


TLDR: I continue reading lots of stories of mostly men saying how they hate women. How all or most women cannot be trusted. How terrible women treat them. And though I don't like the bitterness, I understand. If women mistreat you, you feel you wanna give up on them. Resent them. Hate them even. I'd be lying if I said I didn't hate men. I hated people, but men more. They made me a sex object as a child, a punching bag, mistreated me. I hated myself also, I was suicidal. My sisters even caught me and saved me from myself at times. Now I just wish I could go back then and slap myself for thinking that way. But whatever lol You live and you learn right?


This just doesn't apply to "bitter men". But if you go through bad times, I've seen a few suicidal/depressed/helpless feeling posts as well. I have been through some bad experiences, and trust me, I know how suicidal and depressed you can get. It's normal. But I guess we also have to realize that it doesn't last. I hated myself for the longest time, I blamed myself, and would think that all those bad experiences, all the bad thoughts I had would last forever. But thankfully, it didn't.


Looking back, it just makes me appreciative of what I have. It's so fucking corny and cliche, but it's true. You go through all the bad things, it makes you appreciate the good things. I try not to take things for granted. And now I know just what I am capable of, what I can go through and still come out with a lesson learned. I work hard for my goals and dreams, and when I do make it, this will all be worth it. I cannot wait for the day I look back and laugh at this, though sometimes I do lol :P



Basically, you'll get over this and realize that not all men/women are that way.
The bitterness and pain, like happiness, will not last forever. I speak from experience.

Why I STILL Haven't Given Up (On Men)
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