The perfect formula... is a lie

[dlocnarniac]

The most miserable years of my life were those I spent trying to be what I thought guys wanted.

I was recently told that I should make it obvious that I would consider marriage and having kids whenever I talk about my career ambitions, so that men won't think I'm not interested in that kind of thing.

It made me mad.

I look around this site and see girls constantly asking whether they are attractive and what guys want.

But when was the last time you asked whether you liked yourself, regardless of what others think? When was the last time you asked what YOU wanted?

Why do women think that they can find a formula to be the most attractive, wanted, man-pleasing women, catch a man, and somehow be happy?

Last time I checked, the one person you have to live with for the rest of your life is YOU.

That means you need to ask whether you like yourself, whether you like who you are, what you want, what you need, and who you want to become. Key-word: YOU.

Living to please others, especially changing yourself in order to be what you think they want, is exhausting... and a miserable existence.

If you want a career, go for it. If getting married isn't your priority now (or anytime), you don't have to act like it. If you want to be strong and athletic, be that and don't give a rip what women are "supposed to" look like. If you are opinionated, be that. If you are a mathmatician or a chemist or a computer coder, be a mathmatician or a chemist or a coder, for crying out loud!

If you don't like what men think you should be, don't be that. Men, as a group, should not get to define who you are. And a man worth having will love you for who you actually are, not the painted mask you wear and masquerade you play in order to attract men.

Stop asking how to be what men want. Start asking yourself how to be what YOU want.

Be fantastic. Be amazing. Be fearless. Be YOU.

[Dakota_The_Rota]

A lot of this just sounds like you are just trying to make women feel better about themselves, they should do that on their own not by some person on the internet. And I could easily say there are more feared people on this planet than some woman who doesn't care what people think about her. And the only ones who don't care about others' opinions of them, are not good women, or people for that matter. If people think you are not a kind person, maybe you should change that about yourself? It also seems like you are saying to women, "Hey, be selfish because only YOU matter!"

What I want to get at is, it's ultimately about balance, like most things in life, you shouldn't only think about yourself, and shouldn't only think about others. Both are bad in there own way, but at least one is helping others so that's better than the other. And couldn't being themselves be about wanting to please a man the best way possible? Not every woman wants to work and be successful outside of the home, you should also consider them as well and not make them feel bad because what they want in life is not what you want in life. So, couldn't advise about what is the most attractive to men help them out?

[dlocnarniac]

Hm. I think my thoughts didn't come across as clearly as I meant them to. Let me clarify a few things:

1. There is a difference between being a kind person and dressing a certain way.

2. Everyone should want to be the best version of themselves they can be for their own sake. Even the virtues that society holds up, if only pursued because other people approve of those virtues, become a burden. People should DEFINITELY strive to become better people, but they should do it for themselves (and for God, if they are religious), not because a man (or woman) thinks they should do it. And I think that that also deals with the assertion that I'm basically saying, "Be selfish." That doesn't exactly qualify as being a better person...

3. I'm not advocating thinking about yourself, versus thinking about others. I'm talking about motivations for why you do what you do. There is a difference.

cont...

[dlocnarniac]

4. I'm not knocking being a stay-at-home wife/mom. I never actually said anything against that. I was giving a personal example. What I said applies to all women, including them. They should not be trying to change themselves to be what they think a man wants and here's why: It means they become someone they are not and build a relationship on that. And what is that? A relationship built on lies about who they are deep down inside.

I'm all for women following their dreams, whether that be as a manager, a lawyer, a scientist, or a stay-at-home mom and/or wife. The point is that none of us should be basing what we are on what other people think we should be. It is no fun trying to be what someone else has decided is the right version of you and trying to not be the person you are.

Being yourself can be messy, but at least its honest, and relationships built on that are going to be a lot stronger than those built on masks, because you actually love the person for who they actually are.

[dlocnarniac]

Oh, and as for trying to help women feel better about the person they are, I'd say that's noble goal... and last I checked, the written word was powerful, and does make a difference. People sometimes need a little bit of encouragement and inspiration to change themselves.

[Mineyouks]

This is the best My Take i have read so far!

[Anonymous]

Perhaps these women should ask guys what they want instead of women who insult and belittle them because they want to have a relationship with men.

[dlocnarniac]

Neither makes a whole ton of sense. One being wrong doesn't make the other right...

[Anonymous]

If only people knew what "Be Yourself" actually meant. It's a difficult, ugly, and violent process.

[notverycreativeguy]

Sounds like bullshit.

[dlocnarniac]

Be that as it may, it makes a lot more sense than a girl building her life around what she thinks a guy wants her to be...