Emotionally unavailable women?

[rickjames155]

If you're this type of woman, what made you this way?

Dudes, if you've ran into this type, speak on it.

[branyangossard]

Like I said, my relationship with a textbook EU woman just ended. Since then, I have read extensively on the subject of EU and Abandonment Issues as a way to try to understand what went on between me and her.

There's a ton of good information out there, but Abandonment Issues are at the core of those who are EU...fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment (both rooting from earlier Abandonment Issues) sabotage both kinds of people they might be attracted to. One has been hurt so many times, that one starts to equate insecurity with love. 'Unless you're pursuing someone you're insecure about, you don't feel in love'.

One might chase an EU mate because it activates this insecurity and causes you to chase in fear of losing someone; or an EU person will actually win the affection of someone who might be right for you and feel turned off because they're "psychobiologically addicted to the high stakes drama of an emotional challenge and the love-chemicals that go with it." It shows up as fear of engulfment. Subconsciously, they are rejecting their mate before they can be rejected themselves. This typically ends relationships early on...

I know I myself have some abandonment issues, but I am not EU as my ex-gf was. There is a lot more to the story, but I was confused by her actions in the beginning and didn't worry too much after it ended the first two times. It was after we decided to become friends, and hung out a lot as such that I grew to have real feelings for her. There was consistency and no fear on either end, and I started to wonder "Why can't our relationship be like this?" When we finally got back together again and I told her I wanted nothing less than a committed relationship, she agreed. But she never dealt with her admitted issues like she said she would, and I shouldn't have let it slide, but I did. Now, after only 2 months of being together, she bailed again. I'm dejected, but I'm trying not to take it personally. It just seems some people are incapable of love; at least without deep self-reflection and professional help to deal with their issues.

Anyway, here's a link with a lot of good info...

link

[Pretzel]

Very interesting post!

Im sorry it can't work out with your GF.I swear it's like I could hear the guy I am dating say the same things if only he could find the words.

He is also emotionally unavailable I think.The more research I do the more I realise that maybe he isn't as much.He might just have to be to protect himself from my behaviors.I really don't know anymore.I so wanna be with him but it can seem to work out.When we get closer I freak,he freaks, we both freak!!!Argh!

[Anonymous]

hi there,

I just realized today, after 1 year of marriage that my wife is totally emotionally unavailable and she is so reactive in her life that I am very concerned about our marriage. From the beginning I knew that she had been through a lot (a lot of baggage) but I kept telling myself that things would get better. Although I am a man I am sensitive, caring, a great listener and a talker. In this marriage I seem to be the "woman" who talks, communicates and shows his love for her but all she is interested in is money, Facebook, make up, nails, shopping etc the like. I have suggested counseling many times but she won't go because it costs money. If we got paid to go to a counselor she would be the first in line. I have been thinking and talking to her about breaking up and she breaks down in tears and is heart broken for days but what can we do? this marriage won't last and we both know it. Who will pull the plug first? or will she open up and let me in her life. Please help! anyone?

[busterbrown]

I am an emotionally unavailable (EU) woman. I carry all those symptoms: no serious relationships of late, I keep a jam packed schedule, I text instead of call, I am attracted to EU men, and I avoid connecting with people on a deep level. I think the causes can be complex; and for me, I think it is that I had a somewhat unstable childhood, moving around a lot and in some ways feeling abandoned by my family. I'm currently seeing a EU man and I think he's that way from his childhood too--growing up with drug addict mom and absent father, etc.

And in response to what I would do if a really decent man came along... I would say, in my head I would want to drop my EU-ness and live happily ever after with him. But in reality, I am not sure that I would. Being EU isn't a choice. It's a defense mechanism, a subconscious reaction. I probably need some serious therapy to get past my fear of letting people in.

As far as women who are really invested in their jobs... I am willing to bet that the vast majority of workaholic and/or super successful women (and men for that matter) are emotionally unavailable. I am convinced that is the reason why I choose to carry such a packed schedule.

[rickjames155]

You kno wat, I used to see somebody with a similar history who acted the same way ( lived 3-4 states in her lifetime, no serious committment...etc) and when she saw we might've been going somewhere, she all sudden wanted to let me go, and It always had me wondering like wth was her problem? lol. But anyway you say you're seeing a guy like you, how and why is that working properly where neither of you are really into each other?

[busterbrown]

Haha, good question. The relationship is fairly fresh, which I think is exactly when EU people thrive. It's complex though, because in one way we are exactly what each other needs--someone to be with, without the commitment. On the other hand, I think EU people want to be in a committed loving relationship too, except for some reason we have a hard time doing that. So as depressing as it is, I am fairly certain that my EU guy and I will end soon.

[branyangossard]

Sounds just like my relationship that just ended. She was EU: Moved a lot as a child, parents divorced at 14, divorced herself. We were on and off for a year, and when it would get even remotely serious, she'd break it off (or I would because I was tired of her flakiness), but in the end, she would keep coming back. I cut her off for a while and this last time, she came back, saying she missed me and promised she wanted a relationship, but the same thing again; after 2 months, it's over again.

[rickjames155]

Lol dam bro, that's a serious case righ there....I've moved on since then tho, so if she wants a piece of me, she has to show me she's dead serious by sticking around longer then 2 months, try a year....

[branyangossard]

That's good, but don't take her by her word, take her by her actions. "Distancers" tend to have a delayed response to their emotions, so what they say might not be what they feel just because they aren't sure what they feel (part of being out of touch with their feelings). If she came back and it's really important to you to have a relationship with her, counseling would seem to be in order.

[iswearimnotcrazy]

Well, it's kind of a general term but I guess I consider myself to be emotionally unavailable as a rule, although there have been exceptions. For me part of it is my sexual/relationship history, but to be perfectly honest, at this point it is more due to habit. I tend to act a certain way if someone gets too close. It's fine when we're still casual, it's when it gets deeper/more involved that I tend to back off and start finding all kinds of stuff I have to so for school, work, family, etc. that has me too busy to be with someone...but I've been doing it so long that I don't actually stop to think about whether or not I want him gone, I just make it happen when he gets too close for comfort by trying to get to know more about me than I want someone to know.

[rickjames155]

I see... and I've known several women exactly like that who are hella attractive but its like why lol? I'm posin the same question to you I did another answerer: So say a pretty decent guy dates you, may eventually love you. you'd run away from that and possibly being happy?

[iswearimnotcrazy]

Like I said, ther've been exceptions. Actually, right now I'm talking to a guy who I'm interested in for a variety of reasons but after you asked your question I realized that one of the things I really respect about him is that he is going very slow...and I didn't say anything to him about it, which means it's part of his approach to a new relationship. I think what I find most comforting about that it the fact that he probably isn't an 'in love in a week and out of love in two' kind of a guy.

[Anonymous]

I can really relate to this question and answers but I waited a little bit to put in my insight because I myself is busy trying to change myself from being EU to EA. I understand being EU but later realized its not worth it -not to invest time in making an effort to find "the one" for me I maybe one day have all this success or achievement yet ending up being lonely and alone from time/years of trying to avoid being emotional and connected with somebody. It could be a long journey though but I gotta be willing. Anyways thought I could post this though it didn't really saying much of an answer. Thanks.

[rickjames155]

Actually I'm glad at least one person can see what being EU can get you. I wish you the best and commend you for making that change.

[Antwon94]

I don't know what ur situation is but its kinda of normal. Just gotta do what's best for u.
I know what you mean. Fear of getting hurt again. Sometimes it just happens to people.
I mean I got responsibilities like chores, nieces, and other stuff like that. I mean u gotta do what's right for you. Hope I helped.

[aly-marie]

I guess you could call me emotionally unavailable. I would say it's partly because of my natural personality; I'm slow to open up, reluctant to trust, because I tend to analyze things too much and I can see everything that might possibly go wrong, which makes me cautious.

And then it's also probably because of where I'm at in life; I'm young, still trying to find out who I really am. There are so many experiences to have and so many possibilities that I'm unwilling to tie myself to anyone, because I want to be able to just do whatever makes me happy.

[Evolution86]

I think of myself as emotionally unavailable. I think being hurt in past relationships has made me uneasy about letting anybody in, and has turned my emotions off when it comes to possible relationships. I've turned off the emotional part of my brain, for fear of getting hurt again.

[rickjames155]

So say a pretty decent guy dates you, may eventually love you. you'd run away from that and possibly being happy?

[Evolution86]

I'm in a situation similar to that now. I've explained how I feel, and have had to keep things slow. But I'm trying to keep myself from "running away scared", even though it does terrify me. The concepts of dating and relationships honestly terrify me after being hurt in the past. So I'm taking things slow, and not putting any labels on what we have going. Make sense?

[rickjames155]

Yeah, my suggestion tho is not to run away scared from the decent guy. you might likely walk away from something good.

[Evolution86]

I am trying not to run away. Which is why there's no labels on what this guy and I have. I know if I put a label on it, then I'll be done, and will worry even more about getting hurt.

[rickjames155]

Well that's what I mean, you can't live life scared like that. I don't know bout puttin labels on something, but knowing where the "courtship" is going and why you're with the person isn't a bad thing. in fact most people prefer it. so I mean don't screw it up b4 it even goes anywhere.

[oopsoops]

I was married for 20 years to an eu man. I think it probably suited me because I could get on with doing my thing but when the children got older I felt lonely and even though we tried to connect it just didn't work and we divorced. I met someone and he 'fell for me' with lots of words of forever etc but I think I am now the eu one. I can't work out if I have always been. I have very close relationships with friends and my children. I wonder if it is because there is something about him that doesn't feel real, like he says all the right words but his actions don't always match.. so maybe, i hope..when i find someone I trust, I will be available again. Maybe that is the same with some of the other responders on here, you didn't feel right so you keep yourself safe until you do.

[martyfellow]

Often it's due to trauma, recent or even way back in childhood. A lot of women are identified with an abusive father figure and never get over it.

Secondly, an awful lot of women are devoted to their careers, and in many situations marriage and family are an impediment since it takes time and availability away from the job. Not to mention an awful lot of women depend on being sexually available for the executives in a business and any sort of relationship would impinge on that.

[Anonymous]

"emotionally unavailable" means a lot of different things, so you need to be more specific if we want to discuss a specific girl.

but in general, I think that being emotionally distant or unavailable might have a few different causes. being slow to open up, whether due to being burned in the past or just a natural trait. having too many other things on her plate (work, college, family problems, etc).

[rickjames155]

Wow, about those last two, elaborate on the natural trait... and being busy wit school/work jus seems like a weak/typical excuse because mostly everybody our age is and yet can still carry on fruitful relationships.

[Opinion Owner]

I mean that some people are more reserved by nature. Some people bond with others quickly and are outgoing, others are a bit more guarded. It can be perfectly normal.

I disagree that being busy with work or school is a weak excuse. If someone's working 40 hours a week and in school 12-15 credit hours, that simply doesn't leave much time for a social life. And if you try to have a social life in that situation, something will suffer ... whether work, school or social life.

[Anonymous]

I have never been in a relationship because the thought of it gives me stress. Coming from an abusive family and on top of that every couple around me apparently the men would always end up cheating or getting into physical fights with their partners, including my parents. Plus, I have been sexually harassed twice. I'm not saying that all men are like that, I just happen to know guys that are scum. That's why I attempted to have a relationship once, but in the stage of getting to know each other I really freaked out to the point that I ended up having a panic attack. After that, I went to see a therapist 4 years ago, but I don't feel like I have made any progress. I'm 24 and I feel like I will never overcome it. One time there was this guy that I really liked and he was so sweet, and I knew he liked me back, but I ended up ignoring him because I was too scared to pursue. It's frustrating when you keep getting anxiety attacks and trying to relax, but being unable to do it.

[Anonymous]

I recently went out with an emotionally unavailable man because I was emotionally unavailable as well. It was fine until my emotions actually started coming out...

I realized I had to break up with him, because he couldn't deal with it.

What I really want now is an emotionally available man :)

[bms0177]

What made me this way doesn't matter, I see nothing wrong it. It works for and my life right now. But if you must know, I divorced 11 years ago.