For a girl that says she's not attracted to me... How do I respond to her actions?

[Anonymous]

I have this female friend whom is on vacation in our hometown right now for two weeks. She knows my feelings for her... The week leading up to her going on vacation she was mad that I didn't visit her while she was helping her family at the local market.

Went with her to the beach the next day she was trying to make me all jealous and didn't mind that her dress was being blown around by the wind.(she got closer to me and let the dress hang over my leg...) She mentioned she was cold when we were in direct sunlight... The days leading up to/and of her flight she unusually initiated the conversations.

The first week of her vacation she was sending me photos of her activities, a handful of which went on fb/instagram a few hours later. But there were two photos that she sent to my phone rather than through snapchat. Both of them of her showing me what she was going to wear for her night out with her friends. (I ofc telling her that she's beautiful). Then one day as she was making me crave sushi by sending me pics of her at my favourite restaurant she was complaining that its raining and she hopes its not raining during the wedding she will be attending during the weekend (yesterday in fact). So I playfully say that I'll cross my fingers and hope for a sunny wedding. She replied with "thanks dear"... Sarcastically I hope.

Two days later (aka last night) she drunk texts while she's dancing at the reception that she and her family were at until 1 am. Saying how there aren't single guys there, but there is this one cute guitarist. I reply with "aww that sucks" and "he's probably gay" respectively. Just to see what she'd say. She replies that she has a "sense" about who is and who isn't gay. And that they talk during their smoke breaks.

So I play the "friend" card and just tell her to go for it. Have some fun while she's there.

Updates

+1 y

In the end she wishes she had some "weed" I tell her I'd light one up for her. She says "thanks bud you're a good friend.") and I reply with "Only a good friend? Nah I'm a great friend! ;)" Before I sleep I tell her to drink some water and id ttyl.

Updates

+1 y

I took away the challenge for her when I told her how i felt about her a few months ago. I have a feeling she's trying to keep the game going with me to see how I'd react. So far its working. Her friends and family just tell me to hang in there.. lol

[bobair]

Chasing her will push her away, just like telling her how you feel did.

But all is not lost... I suggest the following:

1) First - instantly start dating other girls. And when she texts to you see what you're doing just say, "Can't chat, on date, I'll fill you in later gator!"

This might make her jealous and it will help make you less needy around her. Plus you might find someone else.

2) You LEAD and ESCALATE.

She is never going to make a move, so accept this. It's your job to seduce her. That means you have to LEAD and you have so slowly escalate until you're alone together, sharing a laugh until you finally kiss.

Leading just means that you make the plans and invite her to join. Don't sit around waiting for her to make plans or to text message. Instead you do all the work. This doesn't mean you smother her with suggestions, it means you make one plan for this week. If she's into it she'll say yes.

Don't get aggressive and always stay fun and happy even if she says "no thanks."

For example, she comes back and you text her this: "Hey, I'm dying to check out this secret place to eat dinner... I've got plans tonight, but how about I pick you up tomorrow night at 5."

Don't ask, just suggest.

And don't give her more details when she begs to know more.. simply tease her and stay playful. If she can't make it then say, "Oh too bad, next time cutie!" Then don't text her for a few days while you're having dinner with someone else.

Then repeat the following week.

Then escalate. This just means you have to treat every time together like a date. Hold her hand to the table. Tell her how she looks and hoe good she smells. Hug her hello and goodbye.

If she's not into the date vibe then she'll stop accepting your invites. That resolves the issue. But most likely she'll love the new you and she'll follow your lead.

Don't get needy. Don't apologize for kissing her. And stop gushing your feelings. :D

~ Robby

(My Blog: https://www.fullofhateandreadytodate.com/ )

[Asker]

Sadly im a bit of an emotional guy. But i do keep them in check. She only found out about my true feelings because she got me drunk enough at my place once that i said fck it and told her.

[Asker]

Ill start leading and use your advice.

[bobair]

Haha, she tricked you real good with the booze. I've made the mistake of spilling my guts once to a girl I was head over heels for. And she looked terrified and she kept whispering, "oh noo..." as if my true feelings was ruining our fun time together. And after she finished telling me how she didn't want to be more than just friends I felt so much relief that we both laughed together... and then I swooped in real close to her, cornering her in the kitchen and we made out.

If she's unsure how she feels then you need to help her experience how it might feel if you two were more than just friends... without the drama or the words, or the pressure for it to be more. Just escalate while giving her the space to feel un-pressured to commit. She needs to enjoy "dating" you without having to call it dating. Even if you make out or have sex... don't feel the need to put labels on it. Just let it "be."

[Asker]

Its been months since I told her how I felt about her while drunk. She definitely did say "ohh noo". Since then its been a bit rocky. she's gotten much more shy around me and doesn't text me as much anymore. Where once she would text me at any time of the day just to joke around there is now silence or when she needs my help with something or wants to hang out.

A few weeks ago she invited me to her place while she had the house to herself. We watched a movie and played her favorite games.

She is definitely unsure about how she feels towards me. There are times when she's extremely flirty and will do anything I say and then there are times she'll just ignore me completely when she wants space. At which point a flaw (bullied youth) appears and I get clingy/needy for a bit. Though I am working on this flaw and she has acknowledged it. Lasts for a day and then I snap out of it.

[Asker]

How should I go about helping her experience what it would be like to be more than friends? "To let it be." How should I "escalate while giving her the space to feel un-pressured to commit"

Should I just invite her to hang out with me while I do things like go for hikes, to the bar, to the movies? To dinner?

Sorry for asking all these follow up questions. I'm really wanting to make things go smoother between her and I.

(in last comment, for a bit meant until something takes my mind off of her and onto other more important issues... like video games, or work.)

[bobair]

Your conflict is between how you feel (you want to grab and kiss her and hug her close) and how you think (you know she might freak out and that smothering her will push her away.) So it's confusing and I get that.

It's most important to notice what she DOES over what she SAYS. If she says, "I don't like you like that" but then hangs out and seems flirty, then she DOES like you but she's not 100% into you yet. Otherwise she would completely avoid you.

But I must warn you... she's on the fence specifically because you've shown her that you can't handle your own emotions and that she can't trust you to relax. This is a serious issue you'll need to resolve and continue to work on for the next girl.

Here's a step by step article I wrote once for this exact situation. And just email me if you want more specifics:

www.fullofhateandreadytodate.com/.../

[Asker]

Thanks for the link. I've been reading it. She's definitely on the fence I'll say that much.

[Plato]

Yeah, she's kind of messing with you, give her some time.

[Asker]

I figured that out. Im letting come to me for now. But im really just trying to figure her out. Like of she zigs left should i zag right? Or...

[Asker]

Im trying to figure out how to proceed.. cuz what she says and does is the complete opposite. Like what do i do?

[Plato]

Be open to the possibility that she'll eventually feel something for you, but don't give her any leverage, it's like cautious optimism.

[Asker]

What leverage?

[Plato]

If you are seeking her and she thinks you are interested and it happens as a matter of fact you are, then she's got leverage - she knows she's got you on the hook. That is what makes it like a poker game.

[Asker]

So i just back away completely for a while? We are supposed to hang out soon for a bbq. I guess i cut off contact until then.

[Plato]

Cut it off if you think it makes you needy. Hang around if there's the possibility there's some openness without coming off as desperate.

[Asker]

Openness without comming off as desperate.. please elaborate. I am only wanting to clarify because i do like her. I want to do things roght with her.

[Plato]

See through meeting her, don't blow her off. When you get there, put some effort, but don't go the extra mile. Like, I don't know how to say this as I don't have the same kind of information you do pertaining to your experience with her, and I cannot think of an example right now. A counter example is a girl refusing to ask a guy out but she likes him, but she still won't ask him out, she'd rather he asks her out. Of course the difference is much slighter and a little more different. My head hurts.

[Asker]

Haha yeah sorry for making your head hurt. She has asked me out a few times... but its mostly me asking her. Inviting her along when i go to a bar or out for a hike or if i just want to hang out at the beach... 9/10 times its a yes from her. And she's always inferring when we are going to be going camping.

I have a feeling she wants to see if im willing to fight for her. To which i am.

[Plato]

Excellent. What I just meant to say is, don't force your hand too soon, but don't let her go.

[Asker]

I forced my hand once. And a week later she asked if i wanted to hang out with her for the day. Just to do shit together.
I won't be letting her go. Just being with her as friends makes me happy. When im down and i suddenly think of her. i perk right back up again. Sure i can live without her but still.. lol.
On a side note her mother and all of our friends except her one friend think we should be a couple
Because we have chemistry and when we are out we act like it. Which could be part of the reason for her hesitation in letting me in.
I just wish i didn't feel like such a low priority to her in the texting department. Before my drunken confession she used text me when she saw something funny and if i texted she would respond within 10 mins. Now i hear about it on fb and she would respond 30 mins to an hour later.
She texts quite a bit and and she's put me on a low priority because she doesn't know how to feel about me anymore.. at least thats the conclusion based on what i know

[Plato]

Yeah, that drunken text definitely eliminated a lot of the intrigue lol.

[Asker]

Yeah it did. Now to fix the lack of intrigue as well then. Suggestions?

[Plato]

You probably did this, but you could apologize about the drunk dial, her likeliest response is "are you saying you didn't have these feelings for me?" the best reply is "Well it depends if you want me to". That would restore a lot of bargaining power.

Next, I would try new stuff, you're like a shark that has been beached. It's time to get back into the ocean, convince her to do something she likes, but that you're best at. You're good at basketball? Teach her. You're an excellent philosophical person? Amaze her. You're a compassionate person? Volunteer with her.

That kind of stuff requires deep substance, so the jocks who show off their chest flexing won't be able to compete on that level with you.

[Asker]

It wasn't a drunk dial... it was face to face at my place for my roommates bday party while i was drunk. but i could probably work in a way for her to tell me if she wants me to have those feelings for her or not.

The problem is that we already do stuff like that together already. We play pool a lot and go bowling now and then. Though i have yet to ask her if she would want to play some basketball with me. I should do that
Sadly i am in a bit of a giant pickle. I need to create intrigue for her but not completely ignore her. I dont want to lose her (which i wont) but i dont want her to pull away thinking i lost interest (do i?). Though from the looks of things she hasn't really pulled away... just doing to me what i should be doing to her.

I think i should just back away for a bit and focus less on forcing things back together and let it happen naturally again. She has all the power and i need to even it out. Basically.
Anything else you or anyone reading this can think of?

[Plato]

Other then that, I can't think of any. You seem like a bright fellow, I don't doubt things will wok smoothly for you.

[Asker]

Thanks! I think ill use what everyone has told me to do and basically keep doing what im doing. But slowly back off a bit to give her a chance to let her come to me. As it is we see eachother at least once a week to hang out.

[MaskedSanity]

I'm sorry, bro, but it looks like she's playing you.

She knows you're into her and she's using that to her advantage. You are actually in the accursed friendzone. She's keeping you around for convenience, because you're always there for her, complimenting her looks 24/7 and she's loving it.

If you want to keep her around as a friend, do so, but stop treating her like a queen and you'll notice a huge change in how she treats you.

Don't obsess over a girl that rejects you. You can't just keep hanging around waiting for when it's convenient for HER. That time may never come and from what you have told in your comments, it looks like it never will.

Let her go and put your time and effort towards someone, who actually cares about you.

[Asker]

Oh, I get thats she's playing me. She knows I'm into her and yes she's using that to her advantage. She told me she was sorry for putting me in the friendzone. She knows how much it hurts to be put in there with someone you care about. But that she's just not wanting a relationship 'right now'. Which I can tell because she is a bit of a big flirt and she does tend to talk to a lot of guys. All of which have been "friendzoned" by her.

Out of all of them, I'm the one guy she hangs out with the most.
She probably has me pegged as a safety net. Which I shouldn't be fine with but I am.

I will be staying friends with her most likely. But with all the suggestions I've gotten from the comments I will be trying one last time to get the ball rolling between her and myself.

[Asker]

9 times out of 10 when I ask her to come over she says yes. She comes over and we have fun. The problem I'm seeming to have is my confidence in taking the next step. Which is why she's unsure and its creating these problems.

Such as lately she wants me to initiate everything, even though she's told me that she wants me to "let me come to you."

How would I go about stop treating her like a queen? Because I don't really understand how I would be doing that so I can't stop it. I would if I knew what to stop doing.

[anon56789]

Could you tell me a bit more about how you confessed to her and how she responded?

[Asker]

When i confessed it was around 1 am. Everyone was pretty wasted by the time I got her alone outside where we were smoking a joint.

She was telling me how her last boyfriend had dumped her for his best female friend. I mentioned that he was an idiot for letting go of such a beautifully intelligent woman.

She laughed and said "Damn right!"

Then I got this weird feeling to just tell her how I felt. I told her that I have fallen in love with this woman that I've gone to dinner with a bunch of times. She is someone that I spend a lot of time with and is awesome to be around, always making me laugh and I just can't stand not telling them anymore.

She asked who it was. I said it was her. She was like "oh no, you don't want me." Thats when I leaned in and kissed her and told her that I love her.

[Asker]

Her reaction was mostly silence. We went inside and started drinking with the others again. Playing games. She ended up sleeping in my room while I was on the couch as the guest room was occupied by another group of friends that joined us.

It also happened to be the same week that was my friends anniversary of his passing. So unfortunately two days later I kinda became unhinged and got intensely emotionally clingy to her. It happened during work hours when a customer mentioned her son committing suicide the week prior. I broke down and felt like the world was closing in on me. I felt like I needed to fix my relationship with her, that wasn't broke and was probably going to morph into something more. Until the breaking point where I just needed someone to talk to. I chose that moment to choose her to be the one to talk to. Wrong move I know. But it felt like I was losing her (even though I wasn't) and I felt like I couldn't handle that then. Kind of spammed her... :( :( :(

[Asker]

She said that we're still friends. It won't be the same as before because I ruined that. But that we are still friends. She just needs some time to herself. I agreed that that would be a good idea. So I gave her two weeks of no contact. Except maybe a fb on a post of hers or she would post a fb comment on a post of mine.

After that I randomly texted her "Hey, what's new with you?" and she replied with "not much, just thinking about things." Half an hour later "So when are we going camping. Decided on a date yet?"
My response was "In august."
Her response was "Great thats right after I get back from my vacation!"

I also mentioned that there was a BBQ before that she is welcome to attend. She said "great I'll bring the games!"

A few hours later she asks if I want to spend the day with her just going to random places.
I told her i'd let her know the next day.

[Asker]

A week after that I asked if she wanted to hang out. She said sure. Then I had to reschedule. because work forced a shift on me and she gave me the "let me come to you" line. Mainly cuz that week she was going through stuff at the time. When the day came that would have been when we would have hung out. She texted me asking if I'd like to come over to her place. Her roommate was out so we had the place to ourselves. She told me that she had something to do around midnight so that would be when I had to go home. We watched a few movies, drank beer and played a few games. Which she schooled me on each one. And then I left.

Before the confession she didn't try and make me jealous. She didn't play games with my head. She wasn't hot one day, cold the next. She wasn't giving me mixed signals. They were clear then.

Now its the opposite... So now as a guy that really does care for her. I'm freaking out.

So thats about it in terms of how "she responded" after the confession.

[anon56789]

So did she explicitly tell you that she didn't find you attractive? Sorry for the questions, its important for my answer :)

[Asker]

She never said she wasn't attracted to me. Just said that she enjoys talking to me, hanging out watching movies and going to dinner. She said she enjoys the activities that we do together but that she wasn't looking for a relationship 'right now'. She enjoys being friends with me 'right now'. She emphasised her words when she said 'right now' each time.

Her friend on the other hand texted me later the next day after my friend (the girl this is about) and her we're out drinking and she started going off about how she didn't find me attractive and that I should just forget she ever existed because she will 100% never like me as anything but a friend. Which started because my friend got mad at the fact that FB had did a mass friend invite and she thought i was prying. I wasnt.

I basically said "okay, got it" to her because I knew she was drunk for one, and because my friend was texting me at the same time talking about random stuff with me while I was at work bored.

[anon56789]

Oh I see. I wouldn't rule out her being attracted to be honest. I've done the same thing, talk to my friends like that. It was because my friends thought the boy I liked was ugly and they didn't approve so I said it out of peer pressure, but I secretly liked him a lot. I don't know if that is the case though. She sounds like she's a bit conflicted.

[anon56789]

Either she likes you or she just likes the attention. It sounds like she may be attracted to you but I don't know if she wants to date you. You'd just have to ask her really. The ball is in her court but you can force a decision by telling her that you want to move on if she's not interested.

[Asker]

I didn't text her for the past 2 days until today just to see if she'd text me. She didn't. But thats okay. I texted her to see how she was doing. and usually she doesn't respond instantly anymore. Today she responded instantly telling me how she's at the summer festival with a friend. Figuring she was busy talked for a bit and then I gave her an out by saying "I wish I was there... Anyways I know you're busy so text me later. ;)". Instantly responding with "I'm not busy". And we talked for a bit more. I stopped talking for a bit to deal with an issue and then 30 minutes later she replies to my texts. I don't respond, mainly because I'm busy, and she sends me a new game request on this game we're playing. As if I'm now on her mind...

So it could very well be going either way..

[anon56789]

Is the game request on facebook? Because that means nothing.

It sounds pretty positive but again I don't know if she just has feelings for you or if she wants to date you!

[Asker]

The game request was not on FB. I know it means nothing. Its just a game we've been playing on our phones since she went on vacation. A game that she started with me the day she landed. She took a few days off of it while she was busy with friends and it just happened that after I texted her and then got busy for a bit, so I hadn't had a chance to reply in 1 hour. In that time she initiated another round in said game. Essentially in a very miniscule way saying that I was on her mind at the time. Which was nice, as its been awhile. A few hours later she initiated conversation after that and we talked for a few minutes.

It does sound positive and I while I doubt she wants to date me 'right now', she is showing that I do matter to her in some small way. It makes me think that the time apart has been good for us. I was prepared to wait until after she got back to text her. But she was the one who did infact initiate first once she was 'leaving'. So I'm not going to rush things with her.

[anon56789]

Sounds like you have a plan! Best of luck to you :-)

[ThreeIn]

It sounds like she's either very comfortable with you, or she likes you.

[Asker]

Her family and friends say that she likes me. And just tell me to keep on hanging in there.

Her one guy friend especially keeps telling me to just hang in there. She will come to you when she's ready. This guy of course is huge player and a guy that she has a bit of a crush on. And I can tell because he's everything I wish I was, confidence wise... but I've never shown any jealousy about it. She mentioned me when they met for the first time off POF. And then we randomly met down at the beach I said hello, and that I didn't want to interrupt anything so I left. Only to have her text me within a minute to come back.

Since that day he put her in his "do not touch. ever. pile." He won't go anywhere with her without me. She'll ask him to the beach. He'll make a counter offer and bring me along. Or not go to the beach.

He also has a girlfriend now and will be moving to korea if anyone is curious about him. haha.

[Asker]

Her best friend who absolutely hates me even suggests for her to invite me along when she can't make it.
Her mother constantly suggests to her that we should go see a movie, go to the beach or for a hike with me. So I'm already approved...

So I think she does like me, but she is definitely unsure about it so she's testing me. I suck at tests though sadly and I freeze up. Lol.

She gets dressed up even when I just go over to her place and for a girl that doesn't like wearing makeup she'll put some on when I come over to her place or she comes over to my place. Or when we meet up just the two of us. Yet there have been times when she didn't know I'd be there and she didn't wear makeup and went and put some on.

Though the last time I was at her place she was in sweat shorts and a tank top.

So yeah I'd say she is definitely comfortable around me and does like me even if she's unsure about how much she likes me.

[ThreeIn]

You should just kiss her one day.