Girlfriend cheated on me but blames me, is she right?

[Anonymous]

I found out my ex cheated on me some time ago. I saw on her phone some dirty text messages to some guy.

Anyways, I noticed she had been distant and said I want to make things work. She started crying and wasn't sure it was going to work between us. She said I didn't bring up the future enough when I said I would... I also didn't take us on trips like I said I would.

I really believed it and took a lot of the blame. Being in shock and having my insides shredded...

But now I am starting to think clearly... I am starting to believe those were excuses, while valid ones, but a way for her to remove the guilt from her cheating.

The guy isn't that good looking, but has kids (she desperately wants kids)...

What do you think? Need more info? Or does this rationale make sense?

Updates

+1 y

Bueller

[Ozanne]

Her decision to do that is HER problem and has nothing to do with you. Honestly, not talking about the future and going on trips are her reasons why it isn't going to work? That right there should be alarm bells that you're with someone wrong for you. A real woman who loves you is just going to love the relationship and if talks of the future and trips meant so much to her, she'd bring them up and help plan them with you to get it done. I'm sad to read that people always think it's them when they're partner cheats and read on to hear such crummy descriptions of how they were treated by the person leading up to that point.

If it's not clear -- it's HER, not YOU, and what she did was shitty leading up to the cheating and break up, and I hope you know this. So no, those were NOT valid excuses. Those are stupid excuses that gives her some sense that she had a right to make a shitty decision behind your back. Even when people disagree with their partner or something bad happens, normal people talk about it and fix it. Cheating is the loser's way out of something because they don't know how to communicate and can't deal with facing a larger problem that they have. Be glad she's gone and she's now someone else's problem.

[Asker]

She may of cheated later if we got married, right? Is it fair to say if someone cheats once, they are likely to cheat again?

[Ozanne]

It's hard to say. I don't believe in that saying because I know people who learned their lesson. But her stupid excuse to me just says she isn't deserving of a nice guy who was willing to be faithful to her even before she cheated. The way a person might change depends on how remorseful they are of the cheating. If they just toss of excuses and try and place blame then they are not dealing with their own issues and likely will cheat again.

[Asker]

I don't feel like she was sorry... I mean she said it, she didn't ask for forgiveness... and she had the balls to text this guy right next to me in bed.

[Ozanne]

Then she's a bitch, and it's better she's now someone else's problem. Gives you time to get over this and start doing things to make you happy again, or eventually meet a normal girl who isn't such an asshole to you.

[Asker]

Our relationship otherwise was great. Except for this thing and the cheating and uncertainty. We are very compatible.. of course I want to try to make it work.

One problem too, we live together in San Francisco.

[Creole_Flavor]

Unless she had a gun to her head and you told her to cheat then its not your fault. Sure you made mistakes in the relationship but she is telling what you did wrong or didn't do right after she wronged you. If you are unhappy tell your partner and if nothing changes then leave. Instead she cheated and turned the tables on you for her reasons when she should have been more vocal and tell you that you need to keep your word or this was not going to work. You are right about those just being excuses I would tell her that she was still wrong for cheating. Immature adults never admit when they are wrong and always play the blame game. Its good that you realize your faults but you did not deserve to be cheated on.

[med11]

Well stated.

[Asker]

She said she can't do it anymore and broke up with me last week. I really took it hard and strongly believed it was my fault. Just now I am starting to come around with that thinking... While we were together she would be messaging the guy next to me in bed.

[Creole_Flavor]

She should have been trying to talk things out with you instead that is so disrespectful. Don't feel bad she was wrong for what she did. Her true colors are showing now. 2 wrongs don't don't make a right what she did is worse then what she complained about you not doing.

[Asker]

I know it is hard for her to talk emotionally and I also said I'd follow through on things... I just don't get how or why that means I am going to cheat on my boyfriend with some dude who isn't going to last?

[Creole_Flavor]

Well im pretty sure she had no problem venting to this guy about what she should have been telling you. This guy saw how vulnerable she was and might be taking advantage of her. The grass is not always green on the other side people fail to realize that sometimes all you have to do is water your own grass lol. It takes two to work and regardless if she has a hard time talking emotionally she sure didn't have a hard time opening up to a stranger and moving on. If she can't communicate then that is a big problem what happens if this guy does something she does not like is she going to cheat on him rather then tell him what's on her mind. I would focus on healing and try to forget about her. I wouldn't beat myself up about it she had no right to cheat on you as if that was going to solve anything.

[matrix124]

You can never blame someone for cheating. A person may make mistakes, but it doesn't make it their fault if their significant other cheats. No one forced your girlfriend to cheat, she could have just broken up with you if she wasn't satisfied. Cheating is no good.

[Asker]

She could have worked it out with me

[matrix124]

Yes, I'm sure she could have. But she chose to cheat, & that's about as low as it gets in my book.

[redshirt202]

It's a mistake to think about it in terms of "who is responsible for the cheating?" Of course the cheater is -- you didn't mind control her into doing it, she did it on her own.

That said, both people can be responsible for different things. She is responsible for the cheating, but maybe you are responsible for various other things, which could even EXPLAIN the cheating but would not EXCUSE it.

[Tractorbeam]

She just doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions. Blaming you is far easier.
So why didn't she take both of you on trips, if it was so important? Would you ever have refused?
If she ever wanted to bring up the future, did you tell her not to? Would you have been happy to discuss it?

It's time to put her in the garbage and move on.

[Asker]

She did a trip for us in January. I said I was going to do a big trip, but just didn't get a chance.

[Asker]

When she brought up the future, I didn't want to talk about it... I said I would bring it up and never did

[Tractorbeam]

You're guilty of not wanting to talk at some time. So what? Women do that all the time.
It really lost me when she was lying beside you and texting this other man. That's the pits, and shows no respect for you or remorse for her actions.

Do you think it would be much easier for her to remove her cheating actions so they never happened, or for you to change your mind and talk about the future? She's broken it and she can't undo it, and it was deliberate.

[Asker]

You mean she broke it on purpose by the cheating?

[Medina8790]

It happens to us all man. My ex loved using guilt against me til I wised up on it. Knew the tears were fake I card her out. Weeks. Later an argument arises and she flips out tells me to leave and throws a bunch of crap at me. I was very hurt. She accused me of cheating says she was sure. This is projection I believe accusing me if what she is actually doing when I'm at work. yes women go to unbelievable lengths to hide what becomes way to obvious. The guy I found out about was actually her boss she cheated with and was married. She dumped me 4 months later guess who shows up to my door. First thing I ask so you were cheating with your boss. I knew before hand by buy a totally new employee paying for her lunch this girl poor out so much information. The first thing she knew was my girlfriend was messing with the boss. Everyone in the office knows of it. Back to her tho. She replies why would. I ever think that about her of course not!!! Ba ba ba bullshit!!! She cheated for the status, likely excitement sex with a boss, a promotion from him etc. I took one deep breath and I slammed the door on her face.

[Marihorror]

I'm calling B. S. on your girlfriend. There's no way in hell that she cheated on you because you didn't take a fucking road trip with her. By blaming you, it's a way of keeping you around and justifying her own shitty character. This is the classic behavior of an emotionally or physically abusive person. They'll blame their behaviors on you as a way of making you feel as if you deserved it.

PLEASE leave this woman.

[PacificShark]

Leave her. She is not worth it. The more you be with her or think about her, the more sad and more in pain you will be, And if I am correct, you are still in pain. Again, she is not worth it, move on.

[Insaan]

She is playing games by making excuses so that you ultimately leave her and blame comes on you.
This will validate the relationship with her other guy.

[Asker]

How can I invalidate the other guy?

[Insaan]

That's difficult bro.. just let her dump you or catch her red handedly for separation.
But don't keep any expectation from her man. She seems dissatisfied by you.

[kangy]

Not aure the actual promises u had given to her before. But a cheater is always a cheater. . no matter what she can't cheat.

[StickStickity13]

She's 100% wrong. No excuses to cheat. She should of broke up with you instead if she's that bitchy.

[Asker]

Totally right? When you're in that situation it is so hard to see the full picture... but I am processing it now...