My ex boyfriend committed a suicide because of me?

Question

My boyfriend of 3 years (ex for a week) committed suicide because I broke up with him. I ended it with him because he's over controlling, self-centered, and never think for me. He ALWAYS do the reverse of what I say! He thinks I must listen to him 100% of the time, and I have had enough of his bullshit.

Just one day ago, his mom called me and broke the news to me. She said in his suicide note it was because of me. I felt so guilty and angry now at the same time. He's such an asshole when I broke up with him. Breaking up is very common, and now he blamed it all on me as if I'm responsible for his action.

But, I feel guilty at the same time too... very guilty. Did I do anything wrong? Would you break up with your boyfriend if they're acting like he did? Please help I'm feeling horrible.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I'm responding to this because suicide is a very real consideration to many men when faced with overwhelming loss. Our culture presently encourages women to completely exonerate themselves from any responsibility for the wellbeing of others.

If you are a girlfriend or ex-girlfriend confronted with a suicidal relationship partner there are two key considerations you should keep in mind:

1) How long have you been together? If you have only known somebody for a few weeks and they reveal themselves as suicidally unstable then you have no responsibility to them beyond what you would have to another local community member. You encourage them to get help but they were already in trouble before you met them. If, on the other hand, you have been dating for a longer period (and 3 years is a VERY long time) then you absolutely have an obligation as their intimate partner to help them through the suicidal period. There is an extremely good chance that you are the only person in their life who they feel safe with and confide in and you should not pull that rug from under them.

2) Are they a threat to your physical health and/or hell-bent on self-destruction? If you are facing violence from your boyfriend or if he is abusing alcohol/drugs in a pathological way then protect yourself and leave. There is a massive difference between leaving a violent partner and a vulnerable one. Ironically the former rarely get dumped!

If you have decided that you do have a duty towards a suicidal partner or ex-partner then the best thing to do is to demand that they get therapy and volunteer to go with them. If they categorically refuse to help themselves even with your presence then you have to decide for yourself what to make of a very tough situation.

Of course if therapy is successful then you may well find that the rehabilitation period makes your boyfriend a stronger, more considerate partner and that your relationship flourishes. At the very least you will be able to release him into safe hands once he starts making progress again.

Keep in mind that actual suicide is only the very worst of a number of terrible outcomes for your boyfriend/ex-boyfriend. Plenty of men who have been in this position and discovered that they have literally nobody to turn to have been left traumatized as a result. We each have a responsibility to the people we are intimate with. If you take that on you are contributing to a world populated by fewer isolated, unstable men

Phantom-menace · Accepted Answer

You didn't do anything wrong, you are not responsible for his happiness and his actions. If he chose to commit suicide cause you broke up with him, then sorry to say he is coward. Do not feel guilty about anything, you do not owe him anything.

At the end of the day, you have to think of your own happiness, you can't be expected live his life for him. Suicide is nothing but a selfish act, he did it deliberately to punish you for breaking up with him. But at the end of the day, he has lost his life over a relationship that did not work out.

At the end of the day, its your life, you have to do whats right for you, and not by him.

sorry to say this, forget about him and move on with your life. Put it behind you, that's why end the relationship cause you weren't happy. Sorry but it not your problem anymore. He committed suicide, that's his problem.

Nobody owes nobody nothing in this world.

jackyct · Accepted Answer

Well this is a pretty weird story. And its even more odd that you take this kinda easy. I mean in the first place, i guess you didn't knew him well cause a person who commits suicide this easily, after a break up, must be very very instable.
And i guess he tended to be controlling cause he was insecure and afraid to loose you. I am kinda like that too with my fiance but I work it out and work on my attitude. So many things that you guys couldve worked on instead of breaking up.

But the suicide part, do not blame it on yourself. He is dead. Its sad and if i'd be you, i would have a hard time getting over. But in the end blaming yourself just leads to depression. It was his (sad) choice. Not yours

Hannabel · Accepted Answer

He did not commit suicide because of you, he committed suicide because he was mentally ill and didn't receive the help he needed. You CAN NOT blame yourself for someone else's depression/anxiety/bipolar/schizophrenia/whatever it may be... A psychologically healthy person DOES NOT commit suicide, this is an act of someone who needed help, in a medical system that still shames those with mental illness. Do not blame yourself, regardless of what the note said, that note was written by someone who had lost their grip on reality, and lost their fight with a terrible illness.

want2helpout84 · Accepted Answer

Do not blame yourself. Ultimately it was his very decision to kill himself/hurt himself.

You can go to counseling and therapy if you need further help. There are bereavement or widowed or just grief counselors you can find to help you but please don't feel guilty. You can feel guilty a little bit and then get over it because there are 5 phases of guilt, google that. I'm sorry he offed himself and I'm sorry that you had to experience this , but they always say that you as a survivor, it's not (completely) your fault. ?

AidenBlue · Answer

ITs going to be hard but you should not blame yourself.

Listen - for any relationship - it takes two people. At any time if one of them is not commited it is not going to work out and you have to move on.

This 'there is one shining person for me' is complete BS. He took the cowards way out. Instead of taking time to fix himself and be a better person for the next person - he gave up. It is not your fault. No one should be required to be in an unhappy relationship to make the other person happy. If one person is not happy - the relationship ends. Its often not mutual.

As a person you need to recognize this going in and comming out the other side it might be painful but you have to move on and improve. There were girls when i was young that I thought the world was ending when we broke up and later I realized 'holy crap, I'm glad it did not work out with them because i would be so unhappy with them long term'.

Suicide is a permenant choice for a temporary situation. It was HIS choice, not something you forced him to do. Console his mom, express your sorrow and the fact he made this decision. You should make no appologies for your actions. Everyone has the right to break up with anyone. Its part of life and dating. Its too bad he was too immature to handle any of it or have anyone else to lean on.

If anything the blame is more on his parents and family for not being there to support him. Not on you,

LadyChaser · Answer

I'm sorry your feeling horrible. This not something anyone wants to deal with, no matter what the circumstances were leading up to it. Please know you did the right thing.. you are not to blame. he most likely would have come to this point one way or another. the problems existed in him before he met you. From the way he treated you he obviously had some deep psychological problems. The letter he left behind is his way to keep control over you even after death. Don't let that happen. You can feel bad, you can grieve... that's human. It's wrong to have put this on you. It is not your fault, and his suicide goes far beyond someone breaking up with him. You made a decision out of strength, he made is from a place of weakness. This may sound a bit unorthodox but you might want to try sitting down and writing a letter, or what would be a letter to him. A letter reconfirming why you made the choice you made, the hurt he put you through, and how you will grieve and pray for him but he will not control your emotions anymore, in life or death. This letter should be for you, and you can even burn it afterward... but pick up a pen and get it all out and allow yourself the time to fully heal from this whole experience. I hope this is helpful.

Smurf123 · Answer

You didn't do anything at all... Of course you will feel a little upset and guilty about it, but that is just a natural reaction (I feel very sad and depressed whenever someone big dies in the news, even if I hated them, so believe me, it is normal, especially when the person was so close).

But, HE made the choice to do it. I'm 100% sure you are in the right, but, to play devil's advocate, even if you were 100% wrong about breaking up, it is still no reason to kill yourself... I think this sounds more like the mom blaming you for everything, do you even see the suicide note? Maybe there are other things in it she is conveniently hiding from you. Also, I'm sure she is away of other issues that were going on, you are just her scapegoat.

Keep doing what you are doing, you'll find another great guy!

LightUp · Answer

From the information provided It looks like he was doing this to get revenge on you. I assure you his reasoning if it was because you broke up with him , Is very stupid. I cannot possibly imagine why that's a reason to end your life. Clearly he was so stupid that the only way to get back at you (for a breakup that happened because of his fault) was to kill himself. His parents , friends might blame you. Even you yourself might blame you but this was not because of your fault. It was his own , If he think for a second he still be alive. Let's be honest , that guy was never gonna do any good with his life. I'm happy the world has one less idiot who might one day end up ruining a girls life.

Anonymous · Answer

Unlikely that it was really because of you. People very seldom commit suicide just because of a breakup - though they are more likely to do so after a breakup, almost always the core issues originate much further back, e. g. to their own childhood. I can pretty much guarantee he had emotional problems before he even met you. Depression is a serious and complex problem, it's difficult even for qualified professionals to help such people, so as a regular person you can't really be expected to be qualified to deal with those problems, especially if he didn't really reach out to you for love and support to help with his problems.

Anonymous · Answer

He just doing things in the way you dont like! most of the boys will do so to get his GF's attention all the time... Bcoz I'm doing so. and my GF is thinkin that i'm not even considering her... its just a little unsecured feeling inside some boys!! i do something that she dont like always to get her attention, and at the same time i dont want her to know that I did that for her!! I love being scolded for silly things!!! I always wants her time to be wit me... Most of the time the guys who are misbehaving are the ones who is loving deep inside. May be they dont know how to show or they dont want to show their affection.!! I think that my GF is feeling the same way as you, that She is loving and i'm not. the truth is that i misbehaving bcoz of loving the most.

Anonymous · Answer

It seems like you care more about your reputation than your ex boyfriend dying. You can't even respect the dead and instead you are calling him names such as asshole and what not. You could have just explained why you broke up with him without calling him names and instead mentioned what you liked about him as a boyfriend during your relationship out of respect or if you ever truly liked him or loved him. You didn't do anything wrong because suicide is his own fault but I really don't think you're as nice as you think you are. Nice people at least have the courtesy to respect the dead while talking about them. Anyways, we only know your side of the story and not his plus you don't seem like such a nice person.

Prof_Don · Answer

Not your fault. He ended his own life. Don't feel like u had to be in a relationship just to keep someone from killing themselves.

As much as a dick thing to say as this is... he is of no concern to u after u broke up. That was HIS decision to end his own life, and him trying to ransom u into a relationship was a dick move on HIS part.

misupanda · Answer

Please realize that he did NOT kill himself because of you. Just say that to yourself right now. He didn't.
He killed himself because he had an underlying medical issue that was never detected and/or addressed. People who are completely sane and healthy do not kill themselves. It is not a natural human reaction to want to end your life. It means there is a medical problem.

BloodLust929 · Answer

He might have tried to blame it on you, but he was the one who ended his own life. Suicide can be a touchy issue, and the circumstances of each one can be different. In this case though it was extremely unfair of him to leave you with his burden. You just need to know that it was not your fault in any way.

lumos · Answer

It wasn't because of you. This guy had some serious underlying problems that he wasn't addressing. He was merely using you as his scapegoat in his suicide note. Don't feel guilty. It wasn't your fault. You have every right to choose who to date and not date. You shouldn't have to trap yourself in an abusive relationship just because you want to keep your partner from committing suicide.

titoloco · Answer

I've heard of boyfriends who do that kind of emotional blackmail... but Jeezz! it's very creepy. To go to such lenght just to prevent the pain of break-up. Look... the guy took his own life, he might justify it by putting all the blame on you, but the motivation to commit suicide came from him not you. It's too late to think of what might have been done to prevent this from happening. All you can do is mourn the guy's death and move on... with your life.

jointhepatriarchy · Answer

Okay this is some huge double-standards going on here. Just look at how everyone reacted when Amanda Todd committed suicide because some guy called her a slut for sharing nudes. Everyone demonized that guy and his life was probably made a living Hell forever. But if a girl drives a guy to suicide, it's the guy's fault? What some bullshit.

Marissa_A · Answer

Honestly I would have broken up with him also and it seems like he just totally changed after the break up. Maybe he really did love you he just never showed it. But its really not your fault at all. So don't feel guilty because he was the one with problems.

Curiousness · Answer

I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't actually mean to kill himself. He just probably wanted attention and for someone to find him in time. But they obviously didn't.
It's not your fault. If he really did mean to kill himself, I don't think it was all because of you. He probably had some other serious issues

Anonymous · Answer

Probably, but since you are female I'll just say that you are awesome, he was a loser and you should never feel any regret or guilt for anything that has ever occurred in your life. Why should you care about someone's actions? It's their problem, their emotional state exists separate from all external influences and he must have just had a fucked up brain.

It was his fault for being so pathetic. I'd tell you to spit on his grave if I didn't think it would be a waste of your precious time. Now move on and find a cool guy who won't kill himself, and continue being the greatest person you can be. You should have never even given him a chance if he was that attached to you.

Anonymous · Answer

Selfish of him, it was NOT because of you. Do not let his cowardice affect the rest of your life. I have major depression and as much as people upset me and hurt me, if I took my life, it would be because of ME.
You did nothing wrong. If you can't shake the guilt, seek counseling. You are not to blame, I promise you.

Anonymous · Answer

its not your fault at all. he had problems of his own that he failed to deal with. you had to look out for yourself, and breaking up was the right thing to do. you didn't know he was going to commit suicide 3 days later. that was all on him. i'm sorry you have to go through this, and i'm sorry you feel guilty :( it's a really hard thing to deal with, but dont be too hard on yourself

WCM78 · Answer

You are not responsible for his actions. It's ok to be upset, but you've done nothing to be guilty over. I swear to you, people who make that decision are going to do it, regardless of the circumstances. It's not your fault. Remember that.

ky_monsterr · Answer

Good one mom for telling you why he did it in the first place... *facepalm* How daft.

Sorry this happened girly, but try your best to understand that this is not your
fault. Not even a little bit.

<3

My ex boyfriend committed a suicide because of me?

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