Why do some guys obsess over their girlfriend's past?
My boyfriend broke up with me. We were together for almost 3 years. 2 and a half of those years were a bit hard, the first six months of the relationship were blissful. He was my first boyfriend and before him I had a friend with benefits, made out with a couple of guys at a bar and was flirty with some guys I knew (like I posted flirty, but friendly messages on their MySpace).
The bad thing is, I live in a small town, and he knows some of those guys. For example, my ex friend with benefits... he actually introduced us! When he asked me about my past and I told him, he judged me on it and became obsessed. He wanted to know every detail. I lied a couple of times and later came clean. Now he thinks I keep lying about it and says he won't be with me until I tell him all the truth.
Well I've told him in broad terms, everything. But not many details. For one, I know he will keep judging me and using the past against me. And also, why do I have to disclose my whole past life to him? Isn't the future what matters? I don't know his whole past nor do I want to.
What is it with wanting to know the past? The relationship is over and I don't think it can work, but honestly? Plus I feel like the bad guy.
What's Your Opinion?
Most Helpful Opinion
I guess he feels like the past in the person you are today. He should of let it go. My ex did that to me. He wanted to know every guy I was with and what I did to them, ugh it was a mess. But that's his loss. if he can't let by gones be by gones, then you really don't need to be with him. and yes the future is what should matter, but he doesn't see it that way.
What Guys Said 4
Most guys want to be a woman's first love and ideally her first partner. I've had an issue with everyone I ever dated seriously - especially when I knew the guy she'd been with and didn't approve of him. It's judgmental - I know. It shouldn't matter - I know. But it still happens!
I obsessed over my partner's feelings - I often discounted her feelings for me because of her past. And I'd just end up sabotaging the relationship because I thought that if she could be intimate with them, then she's not that selective about her choices of lovers. I'd let that discount what she could be feeling for me. That's not fair and I'm wrong about that. But it still happens!
I'm far from perfect and in every case - I've been the one with more past partners. That's the double standard - guys can't get over their partner's past but most women can accept their man's past - they are much more mature about this issue. Or maybe it's just the double standard of society - expecting a man to be promiscuous and a woman to be virtuous.
We all go through it - you are not alone. But this quote (probably not word for word) often helps me:
"A man wants to be a woman's first love, but a woman in love wants to be a man's last romance."
Tell him that and It was the past that made you the woman he loves. None of it matters anymore. If you dwell too much on the past, you're just sabotaging the present.
Guys who are interested in a serious relationship, want to be sure of two things:
1. That you do not have residual romantic feelings or desire for some past guy
2. That you think he is absolutely the best and the guys from your past can not compare with him
This is because guys don't like to occupy a second place in a girl's heart.
Internalize this. Make sure that your answers are consistent with this belief when you answer any question regarding your past relationships. Be very unemotional and unaffected while talking about your past. As if it is no big deal. Then he will also feel that it is no big deal.
You shouldn't care about it, I think, this is the usual men behavior, don't bother yourself with this, he have to accept this, and if you is uncomfortable say to him.
But if you want your boyfriend's trust, you should tell him almost everything. If that was enough, you two have a low possibility of a relationship.
Firstly you shouldn't feel like the bad guy. The thing is that guys often don't want a girl to have a past, or at least want to be in denial about it. When he found out about it, actually going to the point of shaking hands with a guy who had been with the girl he loved, its ALOT to take.
Guys are usually very territorial, especially with their girl, so this is actually pretty typical of guys, though not necessarily a good or bad thing.