Controlling girlfriend who instigates arguments, what to do?

[Derek_K]

Hi

I've been in my current relationship with my girlfriend for nearly 6 months and am starting to see a huge problem and pattern everytime we have an argument. Regardless if the argument has anything to do with me or her or anything in general she is always in the right and will blame me for it.
When this happens she will go on the defensive and accuse me of attacking her when I'm simply defending myself. With all this she then makes it my problem, ignores me, tells me I have issues in our relationship and basically makes me feel like crap.

i am in my early 30s and she is in her mid 20s, like all relationships we have our good times but when it's bad it's bad! I find her a little controlling and an emotional bully at times but when I stand up to her she gets very upset and turns the tables back onto me accusing me of being rude, aggressive and controlling.

Sometimes I actually think she does it all on purpose even if she knows she's in the wrong she still makes it out to be my problem. Nearly every argument we have had ends up with it being my fault and that I'm the one with all the issues not her.

i love her but am starting to get tired of this behaviour. I'm not sure if she is stable to be in a relationship or is just starting all these arguments so I can get sick and tired of her and break up with her, she has threatened me in arguments before that she's done with this relationship and she can't be with someone who attacks her when I believe she is the one who does all the attacking most of the time.

i find this behaviour as immature and question myseif why she has to always be right and when we have a argument she goes all cold, distant and changes her behaviour dramatically towards me, but the real concern is that it's always my fault and im the one with the problem when I know it's clearly not me with the issue.

The same pattern always occurs and im seriously getting over it. I have spoken to her about this but nothing seems to work, everything is ok for 2-3 days and then the same issues resurface.

[pnl86]

Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis once said, "Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants."

What he meant by that is, when you remove all excuses and places for people to hide, and you shine light onto something, you can expose all of its impurities. When people are confronted with dealing with the truth of their improper behavior, only then can they be held responsible, and only then can we expect them to begin changing and correcting their behavior.

To supplement what Louis Brandeis said, Jack Nicholson said it best when he explained how he writes women so well in the first 50 seconds of this clip:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0g9_wfkYjfo

Take away "reason" and "accountability," and all of a sudden, the person has an "excuse" for everything that they do. The "excuse" doesn't have to "make sense," and if they can never have someone "pin them down" and "confront them" with "why their behavior is inherently wrong or improper," they can just continue doing it.

In the context of a male-female relationship, another "excuse" or "hiding spot" to hide behind is a man's inferior and quickly shifting attention and memory. You don't remember "exactly" what she said, or what she "meant" in "the way she said it."

I have an idea. First, get familiar with the audio recording feature on your iPhone or smartphone.

NEW RULE: Whenever you feel that you're getting into an argument, or you want to express yourself to her about something that's bothering you, pop out the audio recorder and put everything "ON THE RECORD."

NEW RULE: Find a cognitive behavioral therapist who is willing to see both of you as a couple.

The combination of "a record" and "a third-party neutral expert is psychology" often leaves no room for someone who relies on emotional manipulation. This will necessarily "expose" what she is doing, and the therapist will help "bring these behaviors to light" and "articulate them in detail, removing any vagueness or ambiguity, until it becomes crystal clear what she's doing, and why she's doing it."

When she's confronted with all this, and she no longer has any way to escape or anywhere to hide behind, she will have to either break up with you (and accept that you and the therapist were right about her), or admit that she had some bad emotional/thinking/communication habits, and start learning to improve those habits so that she can enjoy a healthy relationship with you.

[wisdom_sharer]

"I find her a little controlling and an emotional bully at times but when I stand up to her she gets very upset and turns the tables back onto me accusing me of being rude, aggressive and controlling." "im seriously getting over it. I have spoken to her about this but nothing seems to work" <- read what you wrote. Then think what to do, don't rely on answers. Good luck.