The problem is he is WAY too sweet.

Question

I'm lost .i don't know what to do . I'm used to @$$ holes and rude , aggressive guys

and now I've been talking to this guy for a few months now nothing too serious but he wants it

to be more . the problem is he is WAY too sweet. he always does the sweetest things one day he knew I was having a bad day && he did something no one else ever did , he called me and said "SMILE ."without saying hello the first word that came out of his mouth was SMILE I know its corny to be touched by that but it actually meant something to me. and he kept saying to smile please and stuff && it worked . I was so touched a guy could be that nice ,&&me I'm a pretty tough chick && usually I don't give a crap about what guys have to say but this one got too close to me . I keep throwing walls up && he keeps fighting through them . && once he actually got through all the walls and was 2 steps away from reaching me he gave up . but he asked me not to give up on him , he said he'll come back for me . it started because I never thought a guy could be that sweet && now he thinks he has to be an asshole because I've only been with assholes && I don't know how to act with sweet guys . you know this guy trips me out I talk to him everyday he always calls or texts me && I swear to god ! he will call me as soon as I think about him . like if he's going to text me or call me soon . EVERY SINGLE TIME .RIGHT ON THE DOT . no JOKE . what do I do ! ? he's so sweet but I'm not used to that . HELP

Dyreath · Accepted Answer

DON'T GET TOGETHER WITH HIM!

Seriously...

Not for your benefit, for his.

From your profile, you're over the age of 18 and therefore an adult. Which means you're responsible for the consequences of your actions, and you're not entitled to anything that you haven't earned. You might not think there are any consequences except what you have to lose if you do nothing. But there are bigger consequences if you do something. It takes considerations of others by way of the result of your actions... Let me try to explain this better.

You are questioning this for the simple fact that you are not attracted to guys who act in a way that most people would call sweet. You have gotten used to dating guys that don't act in that way. The reason this has turned into such a conflict for you is because you believe and know that this is going to be good for you, but you're simply not attracted to that kind of behavior.

You're attracted to the conflict, you're attracted to the thought of losing this kind of thing. It's what you crave, it's what you desire.

The female mind is designed to experience emotion based on the satisfaction of a chemical addiction that occurs within the body. What most girls call love, is the stimulation of that emotion. He's not creating that emotion that stimulates you, so you are not attracted to him (in an emotional sense). He'll love you for who he believes you are, you'll love him for how he makes you feel. If he's not stimulating your chemical addiction, no matter how good of a guy he is, you will never be able to feel love for him.

If you saw him as an admirable person, and were capable of loving somebody based on that, you wouldn't have this problem. If you get together with him because you think he will do good by you, but you won't ever feel love for him, then you're selfish and you don't deserve him.

Either way, I can't see this ending well. If you wanted to, you could be with him for a while, have a good time, and he would take care of you, make you happy, buy you gifts, and help you out in your time of need. But eventually you'll leave him because either somebody else comes along who stimulates you, or you eventually realize you've been using him all this time and leave out of guilt.

If you really want to do the right thing, be considerate, and understand that you're responsible for the things you do to people, then there is absolutely no way you can be with this guy. He's not what you want, he's not what you should go for.

Him being too sweet is not a problem, you not being attracted to that is not a problem. You two getting together is a problem. So avoid that problem, and just be friends.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I'm sorry, he's TOO SWEET? (usually problems come from the other end of the spectrum)

While it might be confusing, isn't it nice? To be actually cared for by a guy and not treated like a pleasure toy? Even if you're confused, know three things:

1) He likes/loves you. Pretty clear from the actions and such. This guy sounds like he will go to the ends of the earth because he cares.

2) Just because it makes you feel strange, butterflies, or whatever when he does something touching, doesn't mean you need to shy away. He doesn't sound like he's going to be put off by a few walls. If he's doing things that really touch you, he's doing it because HE LOVES YOU, and he wants you to know. You don't (or shouldn't) need to hide from that.

3) Yeah, it's scary, but it's also great, right? Don't you like feeling like you matter to someone, like, A LOT. You might feel way out of your depth, but even if you are, he's right there with you to hold you up and never let you drown.

So, please don't let what might be great, never be, love is always beautiful.

I thought sweet guys were what women looked for...

verychatty30 · Accepted Answer

i know what you mean just like most woman will also.

when ur used to being treat a certian way you expect everyone you meet will also treat you in this way and without knowing it ur showing them how to do it so they do and in the end you end up getting hurt and you think to yourself it was bound to happen at some point cause that's all ur used too.

so when a decent man come's along you don't know how to be around him your scared to be yourself and your scared to let him in incase he turns out just like all those other loosers who have hurt you and when this man doesn't do what all the other have done you start to push him away cause deep down you like him a lot but ur still thinking to yourself I'm gonna get hurt anyway so why not get rid of him now and save myself the heartache!

i will tell you something a friend of mine once told me the reason men treat you like they have is because you have allowed it you have let them walk all over you and brake your heart!

now this guy that you have met has like you said broke down ur walls but you need to explain to him why you have so many defences up not all men are ass holes and it's not fair to tar this man with the same brush as all the rest.

all you can do is be yourself and just remember not all men treat woman like crap and the men that do do it cause the woman let them.

go talk to him make him understand you will be suprrised.

good luck

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Okay... there is a lot of confusion about what a "Nice Guy" is and what a "Bad Boy" is. There are those guys who are so nice that they make a girl uncomfortable and show that they are "too" interested. Like if a guy is at your beck and call and makes himself sooo available and becomes cheesy.. ugh! not attractive. This is the type of guy that ruins the meaning of "Nice Guy". I think most girls want a guy that treats others with respect and is "nice" to everyone but carries himself with a bit more edge. Someone who doesn't let anyone walk over them, someone confident, and someone masculine. This does not mean someone who acts cocky, or treats everyone like crap... what many of us think of as a "Bad Boy".

So we have all of these "Nice Guys" being told that they are too nice.. so they become ass holes because they think that they need to be "bad boys". In reality, the appeal of a bad boy, in my opinion, has nothing to do with treating people/women like crap. I think only some guys can successfully pull off the "Bad Boy" image because they are "nice" with a lot of edge and mystery that keeps girls guessing!

Hope that cleared up some of the mess! haha

icanhelp · Accepted Answer

i had this kind of situation, just tell him that he dosnt need to be so cute, if you phrase it casually like "babe, you're so sweet but can you take it down a notch, because I already like you :)" and he can either be a little confused (in that case explain it more) or he can totally be cool with it. I said basically the same thing to my boyfriend and he was totally cool with it and he backed of a little and then I started to miss him being so sweet! haha, but now that its been a while, he's started being cute more and more and now I appriciate it :)

Forgetable · Answer

Let him know how you feel. Tell him assert your feelings for him and comend him to show support of his efforts and that you don't think he's a jerk or anything. I myself have been in that position, but I ended up giving up, because she pushed back so hard, eventually I ended up actually getting hurt, I didn't think she could, I didn't think I'd be able to stop pushing through her barriers, but I got hurt, I got down and depressed about it.

I went away apparently for too long, when I tried again to get close... she was upset with me, and not saying much to me, I got frustrated and things in my life at the time weren't good, I was depressed from one situtation to another, so I vented my frustration toward her, by saying things I didn't mean, such as accusing her of dragging or leading me on, while never planning to let me fully in, it turned out there was another guy interested in her at the time and I pushed her into his arms.

Long story short, don't let him think for a second that you're unhappy with him unless you truly are; try your best to let him know how each of his advances and attempts to break through your walls make you feel and effect you so he can keep pushing through your defenses.

Don't let him question his niceness, so long as he has no reason to get discouraged or feel bad he'll keep working at it... because nice guys might finish last, but it's because we try the hardest up until the end to show who we're interested in just how much we truly care about and or love them, other guys just hit and miss until they get lucky without caring a terrible amount if at all if they find what they're after, they just let things happen without so much effort. We invest far more time and effort in the ones who have our hearts, so when so many nice guys invest so much time in them and we get our hearts broken, it takes us longer to bounce back, and because of this, we tend to finish last... (at least those are my thoughts on the matter)

Anyways, hope this helps answer your question, best of luck to you and your guy =)

SomeOtherGuy · Answer

All the guys who sound mad at you just have a chip on their shoulder because they were a nice guy who was attracted to a bad girl and got burned for it. Ignore these guys.

Obviously you're afraid, and that's normal when you don't understand why he's being so sweet. You're not use to it, and it probably is hard to feel comfortable with it. Obviously you haven't been programmed or taught how to act and respond to the sweeter, more romantic side of guys.

It's up to you if you want to start anew with this guy, and give up dating bad guys and go for the ones that treat you right. First things first, learn how to respond to his gestures. Let him know you don't always know how to act when he tells you he wants to see you smile, but you want to try and figure it out. It can be exciting as you learn.

Start off by learning how to just say thanks, and nothing more. No "Thanks, but I'm not that pretty." Just, simply "Thank you" or "Thanks" and a smile. Learn how to appreciate his words and his actions. Practice it, it'll be uncomfortable the first time you do it, but he'll love it, and it'll become easier for you the more you do it. Just build up from saying Thank you and it'll all start growing from there.

If this guy is into sports, and all that, then he's probably not boring. So he's not your typical "Nice but boring" guy. Try to make it work.

If you really want him to know how you feel, and really want him to hang on and stay with you, might I suggest copying everything you've written in your original question and showing it to him? That way he'll know what's going through your mind and how you feel. If a girl showed me what you wrote, I would certainly want to keep trying and wouldn't give up.

tex151 · Answer

The problem is your not used to how nice this guy is, now guys can be nice but this is just over the top for you, and problem is it will overwhelm you, you will feel smothered, because not only are you not used it, but because no one wants to feel smothered by another person,it's annoying and it will wear you down. And soon you will meet another guy who lets call him your friend for now, you know the one you just met. This guy is going to move in on you, he will give you space and he won't be clingy like the first guy, and you will say to yourself I wish my boyfriend was more like the new guy, he doesn't smother me, and eventually bye bye clingy guy, hello new guy. It happens all the time, and that's why those clingy very sweet guys don't last in relationships, and guys that is why you don't want to be that overly nice clingy guy.

Women want a guy who is nice but not clingy, and when I say nice I mean you don't beat her, or degrade her, but at times you can be a jerk not always nice, you will get a chick and she will stay with you, and she won't leave you for the new guy she just met.

Julian · Answer

Deal with your fear. Don't deny your fear of intimacy and of accepting love. And don't let that fear control you. It is part of you but it's not YOU. YOU are more than that fear that reasonably developed based on past bad experiences with jerk guys.

You have a sweetheart pining for you. Embrace him and tell him "This is SOOOO scary for me sometimes!" And "And I'm willing to work through my fears to be with someone as great as you!" Say both things, if you can and if you can mean them and follow through with them. Get therapy if you can afford to, if you find you are continuing to throw up walls. It is awesome that you even know you are doing that! So many people do it, watch someone walk away, and wonder "What did I do?" So it sounds like you're VERY self-aware, which is so key to this working.

Good luck. Along with "smile", take a deep, deep breath whenever you feel overwhelmed with fear. Tell yourself "Here's that fear again. I'm not going to let it control my life!" And let it go each time it swells up. It will pass. You know that already based on past experience with that fear. It comes and goes. Just don't pretend it is your wisest self. It isn't. It is wise... it is looking out for you, that fearsome part of you... but there's deeper wisdom in you. And that fearful part needs to be respected, but not a ruler over you. Ok? Good luck! Congratulations on finding a keeper!

Killfest400 · Answer

Don't be defensive. Trying to protect yourself from him by "throwing walls up" is only going to frustrate him and get him to like you less.

How do you act? Act normally. This guy isn't the asshole you're trying to protect yourself from. He's the guy who likes you for who you are. When you try to make things difficult for him, it's probably a sign that either A) You don't like him (which apparently isn't the case) or B) You are being the asshole yourself. Just relax and be friendly. If he compliments you, say "thank you" or "you're so sweet". If he tries to initiate something physical (not sex, but something more like kissing), then don't push him away (unless it's way too forward or something you aren't ready for).

Right now, he's probably fighting through your walls because he still wants to put up the effort to be with you. However, he, like any guy, will get frustrated by your lack of proper response and leave you. Being the nice guy and receiving poor feedback is usually what turns a lot of nice guys into assholes (because, like you said, that's basically what you expect).

Also, stop dating assholes. They're called assholes for a reason- everything that comes out of them is a load of sh*t.

gentlemanattbay · Answer

If he's sweet, just go with it. If things are so bad for you with guys that black is now white and white is now black, either change the type of guys you are seeing or get a psychometrist who will reteach you how to think. I am a decent guy going through the same thing right now; paying for the sins of other guys or the be more clear, asspipes. I doesn't surprise me that you are confused at all If you want to be around guys who spit on the floor and butt their cigars out on your forehead, that is of your perogative.

There is no such a thing as too sweet. There is only genuine sweetness. It is not something that you can turn on and off or meter like a water faucet.

For the second time today:

Life lesson #1: If you surround yourself with good people, good things will happen.

If you surround yourself with bad people, bad things will happen.

ITS PRETTY SIMPLE.

Why are you hyperanalyzing someone who is decent to you? What's your problem?

Go with it, baby!

sonic241928 · Answer

Here's the problem:

You're not attracted to him. His "niceness" is turning you off. But you feel guilty about this.

You think "I SHOULD like him. Why don't I?"

It's nothing to feel guilty about--women should be attracted to masculine men. But "masculine" doesn't mean a rude or abusive JERK, which is what you've been attracted to in the past. That's what you need to get through your head. There are GOOD masculine guys out there.

Maybe your guy here isn't displaying enough of his masculine traits. This is the type of guy who needs to be "taught". If you REALLY like him and want to give this a chance, try telling him to be more assertive and confident. Tell him to go ahead and make moves on you. If that's too direct and awkward for you, just keep the atmosphere fun and flirty. Try to do fun things together--physical activities, like paintball, running together, etc. are GREAT. Tell him to turn down the "romance" and "sweetness" and just ask him to hang out with you and have some fun. Hopefully these things will loosen him up, and you'll find yourself more naturally attracted to him.

Best of luck.

swagger · Answer

You start by saying the problem is... PROBLEM? What part of sweet is a problem?

That is some kind of a joke right?

Anyway you have to see past your past... Women/Girls have a tendency to go for the badboy rebel. You know its going to end in pain for you but you all still do it. THEN that's makes you think that the sweet guy is doing something wrong or trying to dupe you.

If he is sweet accept it. Role with it and have a good time knowing that you have found one of the few guys that actually respect women.

It appears that he is losing hope because of you though and he may be losing himself to the usual realisation that nice guys finish last. Be an Arsehole that should get you a woman. They don't believe you when you are being nice.

To him though I would say "Don't lose yourself. Don't become what you think people want you to be." I learned the hard way. I was a real nice guy. Then I got burned hard. I turned into the biggest arsehole and was the one doing the burning. although I was happy to start with I soon realised how unhappy I actually was. I realised that you have just got to do the right thing and be yourself.

I hope you can change this guys mind.

Good luck to you.

haijal · Answer

i'm glad you posted this question because I am that guy well I mean you know in my relationahips...i always try to be the "perfect guy" treat ladies like queens but that's not what you women want lol you say you do but you don't you want ass holes so you can have something to complain about later. sorry you can help me understand that but now to your question

he quit trying because he has fought so long and you have fought against him. A man will only fight a losing battle so long. if you really like him go with it. I mean I'm not really sure with what you are asking help with. I mean sounds like he is a good thing for you if he cares enough to make sure you smile on your bad days and calls/texts you. Or you could keep fighting him go back to ass holes who won't call/ text you till they want to f*** you and don't give a f*** about how your day is going...thats the difference in men and boys if you ask me. It will take a lot for him to become a ass hole...i've tried...i had a girl break up with me because I was "to nice" I was like wtf...just tell him right now that you want the nice him the real him not the ass hole fascade he is creating. and tell him to try understand that you are trying to get used to being treated the way you should be instead of some duck heads eye candy to touch/show around when he feels like it

texanlonestar · Answer

Deep down I will tell you one thing. You always want to be around someone who cares about you and will go the distance for you. In short terms, you want to feel like trash get with an asshole. You want to feel like a queen stay with your man. You don't need to change yourself. All you have to do is get rid of that mentality that you have that your used to dating assholes, that's in the past, live your present and be open to new things. Learn from your boyfriend as well. I am in a similar relationship, I'm very sweet, I cook, I buy my girlfriend the most expensive things, and I write to her alot, I mean lots of love letters, small notes, text her every morning. I always remind her that I'm here for her and that I love her. But in return when I call at times I usually say hi baby, she says "whats up , what do you want". Now I don't know what to do, I'm close to leaving her, but I don't want to give up on her because I love her. Anyways to help you out, don't be like my girlfriend or soon to be ex girlfriend. Accept your boyfriend how he is and don't change yourself, its simple you both can compliment each other just don't be rude to him. Give him a chance and the reason he gave up was because you were just too insecure about your walls and him. Don't be, its a mistake.

turkarican1 · Answer

are you stupid? ur being overdramatic and retarded. you ain't no tough chic as you suggested and attempted to so miserably implicate. is that logical? your saying that you like getting treated like sh*t adn dealing with assholes, but when you finally meet a nice guy who wants you your a d*** and now your confused? what do you do? if for once you met a nice guy and he's crzy bout you and apparently you are too, then go for it.  I delt with so many chics like you and your all retarded, listen to me. he won't hurt you, your hurting him, just do yourself and him a favor and call him and tell him what happened and why your an asshole to him and take him in. I'm only helping so don't respond because there is no way your outsmarting me love. tell me what happens

The_Box · Answer

Idiocy!

You didn't have to do anything. He was doing it all for you. He shattered your defenses and led every step of the way, but you just had to keep pushing him away. Get it through your head that he's not too good for you. All you had to do was stop resisting and he would've taken care of everything, but now it might be too late.

Truthfully, being sweet and confident isn't that remarkable. It is certainly possible to find someone like that and you would have if you hadn't been such a pathetic moron and continuously pushed him away.

Seriously, you f***ed up big time. You've got to run back to him and tell him how you feel or you are DOOMED.

It's really your fault. If you can't open up to anyone who doesn't treat you like sh*t, you'll never be with anyone else for the rest of your life. Get over it, and stop resisting.

anysound · Answer

go for it ! these are those guys girls are always talking about wishing they had but never date. and then you will wonder why you never date any nice guys, cause you are the one who keeps pushing him away. just allow yourself to feel and to be happy. rather than trying to be the tough chick(which btw is only a front from being hurt too many times, but you already knew that) and being closed off from everything. If you never allow yourself a chance to feel pain then you will never be able to experience true happiness, juts let him in and both of you will be much happier, this is your chance to stop dating assholes, DONT MISS IT!

Sky-High · Answer

I think that you'll never know what it's like to be with him unless you actually are with him. And really, if you think about it, what's the worst that can happen? Even if it doesn't work out, he will be grateful that he at least had the opportunity to be close to you (Trust me on this one) and you will learn something about yourself. And that's IF it doesn't work out -- if it does, then this time round, it sounds like you'll be with someone who treats you with respect. As I see it, you're in a win-win situation :)

datgully · Answer

You stick with him! He makes you feel good and he's there for you like a best friend would be. Change and you'll have the roller coaster life with another guy or guys is the better word. He'll put you down and everything. You gotta grow up truth be told. Young girls like rude guys,then they get hurt and . . . really turn a little crazy! Girls that stick with a nice guy that treats them with respect gain self confidence in themselves. You don't have much self-confidence now. I know girls that have a sweet boyfriend or husband and there go getters! They think they can do anything because of him and the way he treats her. It goes for vice versa for guys too.

Marshall33 · Answer

The problem is not that a nice guy is too much of a nice guy but that you are dating a nice guy wanting to be hurt by a bad boy thinking he will teach and excite you and bring drama to your life that you can not bring into a normal calm relationship. he is not a problem for being too sweet. You are the problem for being a hypocrite being with him and taking what he gives you while you wait to get a man who will tear your heart and in the process you will rip your sweet man and make him a bad boy in turn but not with you. Wake up and grow up. A nice guy can be a bad guy if you communicate it to him you want that but a bad guy will never care what you think or communicate to him and never become a good guy. There is no such thing as a guy who is too sweet. he is just one who cares for you. Enjoy it and stop creating a situation that is not one. Enjoy being cared for. That should not be a problem and if it is for you then you are a problem for him to come and that sucks.

Rangersno01 · Answer

Hi,

Well obviously you have feelings for him and same for him, why are you use to assholes you shouldn't be unless you've put up with men to much.

What I think you should do is let him in bit at a time. Let him treat you and make you feel special forget about all the bad guys out there just think about him no one else, let him care for you and spoil you for Valentines day. He seems the right guy for you so you start making an effort to brake they walls down with him instead of against him, help each other feel wanted and happy.

Don't give up.

Hope this helps, good luck

BY L

The_Upside · Answer

You say there assholes you say there to nice what do girls want hmmmm ... my girl friends always come up to me and say my boyfriends an asshole but they still stay (well don't come to me and complain then, your the one that stays with them.. I hate it when thy complain about that sh*t)..now there too sweet ahahaha.

i think I'm a nice guy but I don't call/txt every second its a two way street and I think both couples should play a part so I'm not gunna chase all the time we do need our personal space, if you got a nice guy and your still complaining I don't know maybe talk to him tell him he's too sweet and be more of a prick ...just tell him stop being predictable and you need your personal space (then he don't call that much go's out heaps and you start complains he don't call your always out haha)..hmmm, communication is the KEY thou talk to him about how you feel!

Anonymous · Answer

its girls like you that somewhat make me angry. the sweet guy (me being one I think) notices that the girl he likes is hanging with assholes. why would you think he would act that way. I've been broken up with because of the "too nice" thing. I didn't know there was such a thing.

and you say you don't know how to handle it? come on, this guy likes you. by what you say it seems he likes you ALOT. but you won't give him a chance because he's too sweet. can you honestly tell me that that makes any sense to you at all?

he likes seeing you in a good mood, he likes you. how do you not know how to handle it? sounds like he would go out of his way to make you happy. why be so mean to him and not give him a chance? if he's as sweet as you make out then you won't regret the relationship where all that's on his mind is you being happy 24/7.

Ricktack · Answer

are you all there upstairs honey? my bofriend is sweet but I don't think there is such a thing as too sweet. if I've had a rough day he'll come over and give me a massage or if I'm sad he'' be there to cheer me up. shame on you for saying a man is too sweet.

The problem is he is WAY too sweet.

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