Why do some women date men that treat them poorly?

[Nice_Guy_Last]

Now, this isn't about the "I would treat her so much better," narrative that some guys are guilty of. This is merely a question of why would someone date someone that hurts them?
I have a friend whom I consider a sister. She is so close to me, it might have scared off a few potential suitors of the more jealous strain for me. She is, however, not a romantic interest for me, but it kills me when I see her being mistreated by the douchebags she dates. I have dated a few terrible women in my life, and I can honestly say that I would have rather not dated anyone at all than to go through those relationships.
My question is, why do people repeatedly date the same type of fuckboy that left them crying and hurt the last time? Why are they so desperate for love that they would submit themselves to abuse just to have an imitation of it?

Updates

+1 y

Follow up question: so, the basic concept to be taken away is that people date a specific type of person based on their own self-worth.
That being said, there is a vicious cycle here: person starts dating asshole, asshole mistreats person, person breaks up with asshole, but the feeling of regret makes them think less of themselves, causing them to date another asshole, rinse and repeat.
How does one help another off of this cycle of pain and hardship?

[Prettygurl12]

Who knows.

Some claim that the lack of a positive father figure in a girl's life will impact her romantic partner choices in the future.

And if that's true then I'm very grateful for my dad. I remember he took me on a daddy-daughter date when my relationship with my boyfriend started to get serious (my dad's not a feeling sharing type person) and he told me that he hoped that my boyfriend was treating me well and that he hoped he'd been a good enough father and man that I knew how a man should treat a woman and that he hoped he'd raised me to be strong enough to tell the difference and cut my losses if my boyfriend ever disrespected me.

He, of course, also informed my boyfriend when he first came over, that he'd take him out back and shoot him if he hurt me hahaha typical Dad stuff. They now, of course, are bestest best friends and if you put the two of them together you just know they're going to get up to something insane.

That was a very intense conversation we had. And I was frankly surprised he took the time to have that conversation with me. But I think it shows he cares.

I have a friend who has no father figure (her father abandoned her prebirth) and while she knows him, the relationship is very poor. He owes about $150K in child support or something still. She makes very poor choices in romantic partners. But again, not sure that's the ONLY reason.

[hellok12345]

Check out my question please, I need some help

[14114325]

You asked an extremely complicated question. I might be repeating some of the previous posts, but I'll try to summarize it here:
- Why do girls date douchebags that treat them like shit?
1. They're insecure and have low self-esteem.
2. They have a history of abuse in the family.
3. They're immature (a lot of people grow out of this really)
- How to help?
1. Tell her about your concerns (if you are really close like "sister and brother". If you don't think you know her well enough on that level don't do it as it would have the adverse effect).
2. Does she see a therapist? Maybe talk to her therapist.
3. What about her parents? If they care for her you can try speaking to them
4. The three above ways are the more active ways. But in reality, a lot of the times all we can do as friends is listen and be there for them when they need us the most. We aren't there to "fix" them, that's their parents' job. Sometimes the most we can do is lend her a shoulder to cry on, and hope that she grows out of it and realizes how foolish she has been in the past. It's similar to dealing with a depressed friend: You don't just straight up tell him "stop being depressed look at how many wonderful things you have"(that's one of the worst approaches to this), you listen, and understand, and sympathize.
Best of luck to you and your friend.

[Darkfairie17]

In my case, it's not because they started out being mean to me. If a guy had started right off the bat being a jerk, I would have tossed him away long ago. However, it's hard when they start off doing all the right things. They tell you they like you, that you are special, they take you out, they shower you in compliments. They tell you that you mean something to them.

Then all of a sudden after you have dated them for a few months or in a relationship for a few months, they change. They blame it on being busy at work, or maybe problems in their family, maybe a loved one passed away and they are having a hard time? So then I naturally try to be understanding and supportive.

However, they take those good qualities (understanding and supportiveness) and they take advantage of that. They cheat, or lie about things to get their way. It's not always easy to decipher a lie. Especially if it seems like a reasonable explanation for their behaviour.

That might be one of the explanations. But if the guy is outright being like this right off the bat, then the girl may not have good self-esteem.

Maybe she doesn't feel like she deserves to be loved and respected? It's hard to say.

[Laynierae]

I agree with you - I seem to keep dating guys who turn into jerks and treat me badly. They start off amazing in the beginning even saying I am their everything. One in particular I fell head over heels for and now I have to see him every few days. He still treats me up and down, even as a friend. I know it sounds terrible to keep having feelings for someone like this, but once the heart loves, it's very hard to forget especially when you see them all of the time.

[vonasaurus]

(wo) men date idiots who treat them like shit because their self-esteem is in the toilet and they don't think that they deserve better.

i once dated one such idiot; i was young and in a very vulnerable place when we met, so the fact that 1) he drank a lot, 2) flirted with anything that moved, and 3) was 14 years older than me didn't set off any red flags.

we were together 6 years before i finally found the courage to kick his lazy, abusive, emo, alcoholic ass to the curb. the only reason i stayed for so long was that i was in a dark place and was more afraid of being alone than i was of what would happen to me if i stayed with him.

after leaving him, i took the time i needed to heal and move forward. and, in doing so, i realized that i *am* worth more; that i deserved better. and, suddenly, "he has a wandering eye because i'm not good enough", became "i'm totally good enough and he's an asshole". it didn't happen overnight, but what's important is that it did.

i have since found someone who's worthy of my awesomeness; your friend will, too, in due time.

[Anonymous]

It's all about the upbringing. Why would anyone want a shitty partner? Think about it, it makes no sense logically and evolutionary, we want the healthiest mates. A fucked up upbringing sets a belief system in your head that determines how you see yourself as an adult. It's really hard to break it, if possible at all.

My parents were uninvolved parents. I haven't seen my dad since I was 12 and my mom rejected all my advances I made I tried to bond with her. I eventually gave up, I gave her so many chances and each time I opened up to her, I was hurt.

Today I always feel lonely, I always just dissapear from people I know because I think I don't really matter to them, that they wouldn't miss me if I just dissapeared, that I don't matter to anyone, noone cares.

I know rationally it's not true but I just can't convince myself, that shit from your childhood is like set in stone in your head. You ignore all the positive things. You're on the lookout for any negative things that will reinfornce your negative beliefs. Something bad happens and you tell yourself, "yeah I knew it, it's as expected", something good happens and you don't praise yourself.

[MrOracle]

In most cases, such people grew up with abuse and/or neglect. It is not only NORMAL to them for their "loved ones" to behave in abusive ways towards them, it is also the only thing they are COMFORTABLE with - it's all they know.

When such people try to date "good" people, they feel weird and "icky" and distrustful of the person who is treating them well. It simply isn't comfortable for them, and they assume that the abuse will start at anytime and are afraid it will be worse than they can handle. They're more comfortable sabotaging a healthy relationship and running back to the kind of abuse they are used to, and understand how to be around. If they get away from one abuser, they simply find another.

Yes, that's sick, but it's also incredibly common, and there are plenty of studies and papers about this kind of behavior. Hell, it's a psychiatrist's bread and butter.

[xXiTacoXx]

Because those guys like to come off as nice and sweet to the girl they're preying on just before they decide to treat her like crap. She'll think he's nice, but then he turns into a twat, and she ends up with man hating issues afterwards. The same goes for dude's who fall for all of the wrong chicks just because she's flirty and nice at first, and then they complain about how all women are evil and the same, and have no worth. If you don't want to be with bad people then listen to others when they well you that this bitch or turd is no fucking good, and that you should hold out for someone who treats you right because they're a genuinely nice person without an ulterior motive. You'll see a lot of these types of people on GaG who stereotype an entire gender based on a few bad experiences, or what others who experienced bad things tell them. o3o

[lumos]

Stockholm syndrome in extreme cases. In most cases though, the boyfriend acts really sweet and like a true gentleman. She gest used to that image of him. Then he slowly, with very small signs that are barely noticeable, starts abusing his girlfriend. It might start out with words of doubt. Shit talking her friends a little, to exclude her from them. Slowly it escalates to insults and controlling behavior. He never takes responsbility. Always finds a way to blame her for everything, even his own words and actions. At this point her confidence is so low that she starts believing him. And she holds on to that sweet and charming image of him, warping her mind into believing that he's still like that, or can still change back to that. She becomes so miserable and dependent on him that she refuses to leave. It's manipulation at its most extreme form.

[ImNotCreativeEither]

I don't know how to intervene, but as for where it comes from, I think it's a combination of things.

First, I think it's genetic. When girls are younger they're in reproductive mode, and they want to pass their genes on with the most powerful suitors. Assholes tend to be regarded as more socially powerful.

Second, I think low self esteem plays into it. If they can get the asshole to love them, it would really boost their self esteem.

Third, I think it's about the emotional attachment. These guys aren't assholes 24/7. They're very charming when they want to be, and that makes the girls feel very good about themselves. But the constant emotional up and down makes them emotionally wrapped up in these guys. When things are good, they're great. When they're bad, they just want to go back to when it was great.

[HowRUbBuddy]

i have seen it happen right before my eyes , these women find attractive guys , can't believe how lucky they are ( after all finding someone attractive to take an interest in you is everyones dream ) and these attractive guys seem to care a bit and treat the girls nice for a while , then they start becoming controlling and abusive , the girls know no better and think " he can change ! he's good looking i dont want to give up on him yet !! " basically they decide to ignore the guys bad qualities since he is good looking and dont know that good guys who are also good looking also exist , so they choose to go through all this mess and chaos because he is attractive and is sometimes nice and caring... simply put , ignorance and low self esteem.

P. S : iam not trying to disrepect anyone or give bad ideas , iam just telling you how it happened in my case.

[Maryy94]

I felt you are describing me for one second.. and trust me that's not a good thing :D
but I have always dated the fuckboys because i never wanted to be alone and those kinda boys can see I would say yes to anything they ask because of my low self esteem and being so emotional. at first when the relationship starts everything is perfect and I fall in love in that short time. till we have sex and everything changes, it's not about the SEX! its because the boy is like that. he wants to discover girls and when he does he throws us aside like a doll. and I get my heartbroken and cry. since I have fallen for him and he has discovered me he starts acting like a jerk and treats me like a cheap whore. (FYI that's my weakness and because of that I haven't been with anybody for 2 years)
so you're friend is just like me..
you can not do anything. she won't listen. :(

[Guitarwizard7]

Unfortunately there are some real assholes out there that just weren't raised right or are still immature. I hope you find a man worthy of someone as kindhearted as you :)

[Imasanegirl]

In my experience with 7 guys, i have dated the losers, loners, artists, musicians. They were prince charming in the beginning our relationship but so after just treated me bad, and I took it, because they usually begged me not to leave and i didn't want to leave them if they were going through a hard time in their life. After awhile i figured it all out and dumped them. But i stayed with them because i was making excuses for myself. I was thinking they were good to me, but deep down I knew they weren't.

[throwit]

Emotional manipulation, thinking "it will get better" and him making it seem like things will actually get better. Threats if you leave. And honestly it's a lot about the way were raised. We don't want him to feel bad when we leave, we are raised to coddle and "be the nice ones"

[poppunk]

I had an on-off relationship with my emotionally abusive ex simply because I didn't have the self-esteem to get out. I believed that I wasn't worth better; that my hopes were unrealistic and in the real world people treat you like junk and that's just how it is. I'm extremely grateful that I got out of it.

[hxlly5]

Some girls would rather be with someone who treats them badly, than be with nobody at all. There is all different kinds of poor treatment, physical, emotional, or just neglect. I have been in one emotionally abusive relationship, & many many times id say "im done, that it. fuck him" , but then hed say sorry, and kiss my ass a little a promise for change, and i wish i wouldve just known that he wouldn't change, because i wouldve gotten 8 months of my life back, BUT, i also didn't wanna be alone. I had just gotten out of a really bad breakup of 9 months where the guy cheated and left me for another guy unexpectedly, and i think i wasn't emotionally strong enough to leave him. so i think that some girls stay with guys because theyd rather be with someone, than no one, and they also dont have the confidence or courage to leave. they are worried about what might happen if they do. hope this helped.

[9mfeo]

To quote a novel, "we accept the love we think we deserve." I would guess that about 9999/10000 of those cases are because the woman has a horrible self-image and lack of self worth. There's also the possibility of growing up in an abusive environment, so they would associate poor treatment with caring. Many factors, but ultimately, they don't think they can do any better.

[pr3ttybr0wn]

Low self esteem. They don't think they deserve any better and they think what the guy did wasn't that bad.

[abundantlyrich]

Unresolved feelings stemming from upbringing plays a big part. It just keeps people in a loop until they fully acknowledge why drove them to pick undesirable men or women. Once that cycle is broken and they healed their wounds, everything changes for the better. Takes a good so called brain doc to make the dots connect for them.

[AskButterfly]

I think this is the case of a girl will only be with a guy she thinks she deserves and so then she ends up with someone as you quote, the "fuckboy" because she feels as though she is in love with him, and most women want to keep and hold onto that because they are afraid they cannot find any better which is completely false. They'd just rather be with someone who they do love even through all the crap that the guy puts her through.

[Apriscila]

One thing too is girls think they can change them. It's ridiculous. You can't change a man lol it's up to them to make a change. I know because I knew a girl who tried to do this and it totally backfired. Wasted like four years of her life on this guy.

[OoSNAP]

Hey,

This is just my take on it.

A lot of young people don't know how they should be treated. They haven't had a lot of relationships, so they'll take a lot of bad behavior. That's one possibility.

Here's another. The dating world is rough. It's nice to not have to deal with it. Its nice to "have someone in your corner." To be in a relationship.

Or she might be attracted to certain macho qualities.

From personal experience, my first boyfriend treated me like dirt sometimes. He would be so sweet and then suddenly not... I was attracted to his macho qualities, his lifestyle. He was so different from my family. I knew he wasn't good for me, but I kinda liked it. I know this sounds messed up. People self-sabotage.

[encourageenchanted]

There are many reasons why, some depend on that man and feel they much rather suffer than find courage to walk, some feel they don't deserve anything better or maybe cannot find anything better, some stay because they are simply afraid too afraid to leave.

[AugustOnMars]

Its more psychological. Sometimes a girl's father is or was that way so in a way she chases guys who act like her dad as a way to feel the love she probably never recieved. Other times its because some guys are really nice at first then they're assholes so they trap you by making you fall in love with what they were before. And of course there's the fact that most guys are just that way nowadays

[Hyped_up_on_coffee]

Because they have low self esteem. Also women don't date fuckboys they fuck them and fuck the next one that comes a long. They are called fuckboys for a reason. Also don't blame all of those women I'm sure some of those guys are legit abusers that seem "nice" . Also abuse is fairly complex and slow.

[AleDeEurope]

They're most likely focusing on sexual attraction than anything else.
They've probably been mistreated by important men in their life, therefore believing that's the type of men she deserves, or the only type that will be attracted to her.
Immaturity.

[georgiax]

we do it because when we fell for them, they were nice. and once we start to get proper feelings for a guy it's very hard to lose them therefore even when they mess us about we still try and hold on in hope that they will realise how they've acted and make us feel special again.