My brother beat his girlfriend right in front of me, then kicked my ass for stepping in, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

Last night my brother was mad at his girlfriend and ended up hitting her repeatedly, he blacked both of her eyes, he cornered her in the front seat of her car and punched her several times. I stepped in and stopped him and I broke his nose and he beat the sh*t outta me. The cops were there and they both lied about what happened, I wanted to tell them he beat her, I feel like I need to get her away from him, but it's my brother, I love him. I don't want him to go to prison, He's playing it off like nothing happened, and thinks it's not that big of a deal. I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself for not doing anything if he did it again. I really need help, I have no clue what I should do. can someone help?

[da5id]

ok you need to look at it all as a two-part problem

first you need to ignore any sense of justice, morality and love and try to profile all that could get involved in this as well as think about possible scenarios depending on your actions..

first for the profiling:

think about your brother: how exactly does his violence show itself? does he get super-angry right away, does he bottle it up and explode after some time, how long does he bear a grudge, has he shown violence to others, how does he behave in an argument (i.e. become loud and scream if someone doesn't concede to him, does he try to rationalize etc..)

who are his figures of authority (i.e. who does he respect and maybe look up to)

what is his relationship to your parents, and how would your parents probably react if it came to a legal dispute (would they be enraged/in denial/still defend him even though they "know" the truth etc.)

obviously the goal of this is to get a clearer sense of how he might be acting which helps you in creating your scenarios.

also do this for his girlfriend, he seems to have quite some control over her (since she also lied) so what is her motivation for lying? what are their relationship dynamics, do they live together, how often do they see each other, how many friends does she have outside of their shared circle of friends? how would you qualify her ability to make decisions? etc.

(on a sidenote: she did tell you that he showed violence towards her on numerous occasions - bear this in mind for the second part of the problem)

again, the goal is to get a sense of how these players might act in your scenario, the more information like that you can gather somewhat truthfully and process the better your estimation of what will happen should you decide to act one way or another.

after the profiling look for physical evidence, take timestamped photos of all visible injuries on yourself, and if you can somehow manage of her, also think back if maybe the police took some photos and if maybe they missed some injury or a detail that may have been hidden.

also check if there are any weapons at home or in your brothers posession that are easily accessible.

i know, these ideas might be extremely far fetched or maybe hard to cope, but I don't know your brother nor how he might act, however dismissing any possibility that might come back to hurt you or others would be even worse...

now try to imagine the conversations and reactions of your brother, his girlfriend and your parents if you just came up to him and told him he needs to: "turn himself or you're gonna do it" or "apologize to her infront of your parents" or "apologize to her and you" or "prepare for being taken in because you already just turned him in" - what is his reaction going to be?

you could also talk to his girlfriend and try to persuade her to take action - try to see what her reactions would be, is there a chance that she would do it at all, and to what extend would she go?

[soxfan94]

Right off the bat: What in the world did the two of them say to explain away the fact that the three of you were bloodied and beaten?

On more important issues: You need to either confront your brother or tell the truth to the police or someone else who may be able to step in and handle the situation better (without getting their nose broken). Physically assaulting someone is a crime regardless of their status as male/female or boyfriend/girlfriend. What he's done is awful, and you seem to know that. Standing idly by would be a mistake and I suggest you do anything within your power to put an end to it.

I understand the frustration that you feel by being put in this situation. Obviously you don't want to get your brother in trouble, I wouldn't either. The point, though, is that he's already gotten himself in trouble and doesn't seem to have learned to avoid doing it again. As a result, I think you ought to intervene in any meaningful way that you feel comfortable with. Whether this means directly or indirectly, I would say that you should follow up with this for sure.

[Asker]

He told the cops that we got in an argument and that it was just something we do as brothers and that she got in the middle of it and got knocked down.

[Miss_Desirae]

First of all, I would like to say good for you for trying to stop your brother. However, you need to step up and tell the cops what really happened. I know it must be a bit easier said than done since it is your brother who did this and all, but still. This is something that will most likely continue and probably escalate and become worse if nothing is done about it. Even if his girlfriend does leave and gets away from him eventually, chances are he will do the same thing to another girl. Put an end to this right away.

[da5id]

also get some anonymous legal advice for the different scenarios that you came up with

and who called the cops?

now comes the second part:

if you got a rough idea what might happen depending on your actions you can start to decide what course of actions you want to take...

do you think he might threaten or show violence towards you should you threaten him with telling the police?

might he do it out of rage later on because he can't control himself?

do you think those conflicts will happen again or was this a spike?

how much would you bear to hurt or backstab your brother (in a sense) in order to help someone outside of your family

how much someone is worth protecting that doesn't feel its worth it herself thus lying - ofc she could also be so intimidated that she doesn't dare speak up - another possibility would be that she's so in love in which case it would be an argument against reporting it, because not only would she lie to protect him, she would also furtherly ignore the facts.

IN ESSENCE: try to rationally eliminate the possibilty to further increase the damage done overall by your actions. after that, choose the option that has the highest chance of delivering the desired result while still maintaining the greatest possible overlap with your moral values.

while I can't give you absolution to either report your brother because women are sacred and can't be hit or tell you forget about the bitch, she probably deserved it cause she provoked it or >

this is meant to be an approach to hopefully deal with a very difficult because morally ambiguous and personal situation.

if nothing else, it gives you time to make up your mind about the situation while keeping you from acting on a whim you might regret later on.

i really hope this can be resolved in a positive way for all involved, and of course the priority lies in the phyiscal safety - but you can't save people who don't want to be saved or are at least open to the option (i.e. have locked themselves in and set their mind to something)

[Carson1023]

do what is right. think of it this way. if it was just some random guy doing that to a girl, would you have stood your ground and told the cops that night? I don't care if he is your brother, things shouldn't be any different for him, a man should never hit a woman under any circumstances. just because he is your brother, it doesn't make it right nor should it give him a get away with abuse card. if you don't tell someone, chances are that he will just end up doing it again. I seriously think you should tell the police what really happened that night. you cannot let him keep doing this and hiding it. I know it is a hard decision to make because you do not want to ruin your relationship with your brother, but he needs to understand that what he did isn't right.

[cjwright79]

Not to condone violence, but a humble person will never be administered a beating. Your brother's girlfriend needs to become more humble before she can be assured that no one will ever lay a finger on her. From your brother's perspective, you stepping in suggests to him that you don't respect his feelings, which are as you know quite important to him. So he's not unjustified in kicking your ass. Anyway after such an outburst I'm sure everyone will reform their behavior significantly, so you don't really need to do anything, except think things over, and discuss them with the concerned parties if and when that seems appropriate.

[Asker]

I can't just not do anything, it doesn't feel right. His girlfriend told me it's been going on their entire relationship. She thinks that she deserves what he's doing to her.

[soxfan94]

Sometimes I can't tell when you're being facetious just for the sake of being facetious. For the sake of all that is respectable in the most basic legal,moral and compassionate senses, I'm assuming that this is on of those cases.

[Carson1023]

That mentality that your brother's girlfriend has is very common with women who are being or have been abused. the person who abuses them causes them to have thoughts questioning why they would do that to them and what they did to deserve it. so most of the time they just blame it on themselves and say that what he is doing is something they deserve. don't give in and not do anything just because of her saying that. regardless of what she says, what your brother is doing, is wrong.

[Asker]

I have a serious f***ing problem and don't know what to do about it and you f***ing accuse me of making this sh*t up just to joke around? How the f*** would anyone find this funny? If you're going to answer, make it a helpful one, don't just sit there and tell em I'm being facetious just for the sake of being facetious.

[soxfan94]

Calm down question asker, I was speaking of cjwright.

[cjwright79]

Doing nothing is all you can do. You tried to back up your beliefs and it turns out his will was stronger. The righteous prevail. The weak and insipid would like to believe otherwise, but it's all a hoax. Right soxfan?

[Killfest400]

Chill out, question asker. I'm pretty sure that soxfan94 was talking to cjwright, not you.

[Carson1023]

Calm down, ignore what cjwright has to say. you know what your options are. I'm sure you know what is wrong and what is right also. if you need help, the rest of us are here for you

[cjwright79]

You can ignore what I'm saying because I'm not really saying anything. Just providing an alternate viewpoint to the empty platitudes I knew you'd be hearing from the others.

[soxfan94]

Cjwright, you're mixing arguments. Normally there's nothing wrong with that, except that yours are tending to be either incongruous or assumptive. You imply that strong wills are more important than insipid replies. This may be true as a generality, but you interject that "the righteous will prevail." Certainly you understand that "strong willed" and "righteous" are synonymous only in the most bastardized interpretation of language. Your points are unfounded at best and vapidly awful at worst.

[Carson1023]

Cjwright listen up.

so doing what is right doesn't matter to you? so far all you have suggested is a bunch of bs that you call an "alternative route". this so called "alternative route" is something you know is wrong and will not resolve the problem. why did you even bother trying to help this guy out? I don't care that you were trying to put a different perspective in there. all you are doing is helping cause more problems.

[cjwright79]

You sound like a 25-year-old.

[soxfan94]

While the (il)logic of your answers is being discussed, I'd like to point out that humble people are administered beatings all the time. Your initial premise is blatantly false. Creating a false premise is the most disingenuous way to approach an issue. If it's your contention that women should be subservient, simply say so. If it's your contention that everyone should bow to what you think is right, say so. Don't muddy the waters with false pretenses simply to avoid having to be logical.

[cjwright79]

Anyway the main point is that you lads try to cover up your lack of integrity with clever words. But cleverness alone amounts to nothing.

[Carson1023]

Who sounds like a 25 year old?

and soxfan was that directed towards me?

[soxfan94]

"You sound like a 25-year-old."

You've reached rock bottom faster than usual in the debate. Good thing, I suppose, since I should get some sleep.

[cjwright79]

Yawn.

[Carson1023]

Soxfan are you talking about me or cjwright? you never specified

[cjwright79]

The 25-year-old sounds like a 25-year-old, if you can't piece that together.

[Carson1023]

Ohh. it wasn't showing your snappy comments earlier. all I could see was the ones from earlier and soxfan's. and do you even have a clue of what intergrity is?

[cjwright79]

Carson, shut up.

[Carson1023]

Am I wearing you thin or something? can you not stand to put up a false argument any longer? is it sad that you rely on facts that you believe are true but are nothing but a lie, but something that only destroys instead of rebuilds? are you mad that someone as young as myself can win in an argument over you? obviously I am not going to shut up, because you are not going to do anything, nor could you do anything other than not help this person who needs it.

[Killfest400]

You should call the police. I know you don't want to get your brother in prison, and I know you don't want to ruin your relationship with him. However, his behavior is both unacceptable and illegal. If you don't do something about it, his girlfriend is likely to end up dead.

[blah52]

First off, if your going to step into something like that you need to learn how to fight. The only way your going to get anywhere is convincing her that she shouldn't go along with it, until then its just your word against theirs.

[Asker]

I can fight. I wasn't trying to kick his ass. I just wanted to get him off of her and it worked.