Girls: What are your feelings about guys with social anxiety?

[Anonymous]

OK, say this guy is decent/good-looking, caring, honest, kind, well educated, has a good professional job, nice house, car etc. but is shy, quiet, not socially confident and suffers from social anxiety.

What do think? Would you give him a chance? The thing is I realize that girls probably don't get the chance to find out all these good things about the guy because he is too scared/shy/anxious to even talk to her/approach in the first place. This is the long-standing problem. Some people say how am I still single? But they don't understand how inhibited and nervous I feel inside even when I do something as simple as walk past a girl.

Even on the odd occasion when I've been lucky enough for a girl to approach me, I find it so hard to look her in the eye, let alone talk, and my hands start trembling. I probably come off off as weird, unhappy and not interested.

I sometimes feel like everything in my life is in place and going well, but the relationship part has always been missing for me. I've never even held hands with a girl, been on a date or anything.

I get so depressed sometimes cause I see all these loud, confident guys and so many of them take girls for granted and end up treating them badly. I think I have so much to offer a girl but I sometimes wonder if I'm ever going to get over my problems enough to be able to find her.

[kr2511]

My ex has a social anxiety disorder. He was an acquaintance of mine for years, and he always seemed so mysterious. I'm naturally outgoing, so I never thought he had a problem, I just thought he was quiet. I always talked to him and joked with him. I think him seeing how easy it was for me to be myself around him helped him do the same around me. We dated for 2 years, and are still friends to this day. I experienced his disorder first hand whenever we went out together and its no joke. I have a pretty good understanding of what he went through. If you don't get anything else from this please get this. Everyone gets nervous when talking to the opposite gender. People who don't at all are most likely lying. Social situations can be extremely nerve racking. And as much as you tell yourself that everyone is watching you and judging you is exactly how much they aren't. Next time you're in a group take a deep breath and tell yourself that everyone in the room is a person just like you. You don't have to be the funniest or smartest or have the best jokes. You don't have to have a million friends. Who cares. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself. In your first sentence you state what a great catch you are. You already know that. I'll let you in on a little secret... all you have to do is say hi. Skip the witty pick up lines and all that crap. Also, if you ask questions... she'll have more talking to do. Then you can kind of sit back while getting to know her. In answer to your question, I would totally give you a chance. And I'd give you another one if you were awkward. No biggie. Chin up guy. Get out there :)

[saphirasilverwings]

My idea of a "socially awkward" guy isn't very attractive. But to me just being shy and having trouble approaching women is more normal than awkward. Being shy doesn't make you unattractive. But, as you yourself pointed out, it will make it harder for women to get to know you and find out about all your great qualities. Even though it's becoming more and more common for girls to take the initiative, there's still a lot of pressure on guys to be the one to approach the girl, and you can't necessarily rely on girls to approach you. Not that girls can ALWAYS rely on guys to approach them either, but it's often easier for them to do so.

I think there are a few things you can do to try to help. Focus on all your fantastic qualities, and try to give yourself a confidence boost by reminding yourself that you're a great guy. When you go to approach a girl, just be yourself, be casual. Try not to build it up as a big stressful thing, because if she says no, you'll probably never see her again anyhow. Don't worry about what she or anyone else will think if she says no, because it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you tried.

You can also try putting yourself in situations where you can get to know people BEFORE attempting to ask them out. Talk to people in class, join clubs, and participate in group activities. I know talking to people when you're shy is easier said (ha) than done, but people can learn to combat shyness. Even taking a public speaking class or something like that could help you.

[starangel248]

Whoa I saw this and I had to comment because the guy I love fits the description you wrote. Every person is different so I'm not saying my guy is just like you. Although, he does fall under a "ridiculously shy" category and I seriously asked him how in the world he hasn't really dated all these girls who were literally all over him. I mean it's actually a good thing for me so I'm not complaining. I think he is an amazing person, just really hard to get to know. I know for a fact that this girl had a major crush on him and he remained oblivious. I also have a hunch that this guy has liked me possibly for years. There were signs, but it was SUPER vague and I'm not really on the lookout for "signs that my guy friends likes me" so it took me a freakin while to realize that he most likely likes me a lot. I figured he wouldn't say it himself so I just flat out told him I like him in the most awkward speech of the century and he froze up... (bangs head to the wall) So I ended up sending follow up emails (cuz I suck at expressing myself) and I told him he has me as his best friend no matter what. Anyway, we're still friends, and although I don't know if we're "officially" dating, I don't really plan on dating anyone else so I'm giving this time :)

My point: there will be a girl who will come around and love you for who you are. It might take you longer than some other people, but it's not a race. I can understand how it can be depressing, seeing the "jock" dudes get all the girls, but keep in mind that there are girls who would never date jocks. (eh, I wouldn't) Focus on what you love doing (job, hobby, etc) and the right girl will come along. Also, it might help if the girl you end up liking is a go-getter type who's very up-front about things like these. :)

[ericneo]

Focusing on studies, job, hobby is a near impossible thing to do when you see yourself getting older and nobody being interested in you while everybody is out there have sex and becoming sexually experience and also finding love. Not all of us want to wait until our late 30's for our first date.

So related to that I would have to say you don't know what you're on about on the last part because that eats away at a person and makes them bitter.

But the rest of your answer was great to read.

[starangel248]

I can see that perspective. I'm just saying to focus on job, hobby, etc because personally I respect people who are focused to succeed in what they love doing, instead of chasing around girls. You're right, waiting until late 30's for the first date sucks big time, but the point I was trying to get across is that I'm sure there are girls who will see those awkward guys for who they are (hopefully before they reach their late 30's). It just takes longer than one would like...

[starangel248]

PS: I'm glad you liked the rest of my answer :)

[Anonymous]

Some girls would, I know some who have. I wouldn't, but its because I don't have the patience to help a guy through every social situation that we're going to be in. It's my shortcoming, but I've gotta be honest with myself.

Work on it, though. There are ways to make progress. Anxiety can take over your life more and more if you don't fight it. (I have other forms of anxiety that I am working on beating).

[Opinion Owner]

Why is a guy "entitled" to a girl having to babysit him in social situations? If he finds a girl who is compassionate and caring, that's wonderful. But a guy who has this type of issue is going to have to be honest when it comes to finding the "right fit" that her being comfortable and patient is a major component. I'm doing the same thing right now dating a guy who I don't find as attractive or fun to hang out with because he accepts my shortcomings and vice versa.

[udolipixie]

I think he's creepy. Socially awkward people come off as you do- weird & uninterested.

I wouldn't give him a chance because creepy puts me off.

Why not try solving your problems instead of expecting girls to overlook them?

[Dylan1989]

Why not try stopping to judge a book by it's cover before you criticize someone?

[udolipixie]

lol

He himself sad he comes off as weird, uninterested, and unhappy (never got that with the social awkward).

He wants a chance so duh he's looking for someone to overlook his issues instead of solving them.

Where's the criticism?

[Dylan1989]

No, he said ''I probably come off as weird, unhappy and uninterested''. PROBABLY being the key word. The criticism lies in the fact that you're saying ALL socially awkward people come off as weird and uninterested which is not true. Not everyone is the same. Now, if the person he is talking about is himself, then from the first paragraph it sounds as if he is normal, just not comfortable in a social setting. It doesn't make him weird or uninterested.

[udolipixie]

Serial killers also come off as normal because they have a job, house, car etd. The rest of that paragraph is personality fluff.

I'm quite aware everyone is not the same.

Ever heard of a generality?

Probably is only the key word to you most likely he does come off as that probably was his way of lessening the blow.

Being too scared/anxious/shy to talk/approach and getting nervous when just walking past overreaches just being uncomfortable.

Unless I put all it's a generality.

[udolipixie]

I never said he was weird or uninterested but that's how people like him come off as and that combo = creepy to me.

[Dylan1989]

Well if he's creepy to you then you must think he IS weird and uninteresting too. He comes off as weird and uninterested because that's what you assume he is.

[udolipixie]

You are aware you can come off as something you're not right?

You seem to be the one making assumptions here.

I don't view people I don't know as being anything.

You can come off as smart but you may not be smart.

I don't trust what a person comes off as until I verify by knowing them.

Coming off as weird & uninterested is creepy to me so I don't want to verify if the guy is that.

[Dylan1989]

Yeah of course you can come across as something you're not. How am I the one making assumptions here? I'm just going by what you have stated in your answers and your comments.

[udolipixie]

Your assumption "He comes off as weird and uninterested because that's what you assume he is."

In my answer/comments I put I think he's creepy because people like him come off as weird & uninterested.

You're going by what you want to see not anything I actually put.

You couldn't even answer where you say criticism in my answer.

You're quite defensive about being socially awkward.

[Dylan1989]

I'm not defensive at all. I just have a different opinion and views to your answer and I would like to make that known. Nothing wrong with that is there?

And I did answer where I said about criticism in your answer. Read the comments again.

[udolipixie]

"I'm not defensive at all. I just have a different opinion and views to your answer and I would like to make that known. Nothing wrong with that is there?"

Your first comment was defensive you didn't give your opinion until questioned.

Nothing wrong with being different as long as it doesn't harm others or promote harm.

[udolipixie]

"The criticism lies in the fact that you're saying ALL socially awkward people come off as weird and uninterested which is not true"

That didn't cover where I criticized anyone.

It's true to me because that's how they come off as to me.

Nowhere did I say all remember generalities?

How I see someone isn't criticism.

[Dylan1989]

''socially awkward people come off as you do - weird & uninterested''. there is nothing there to suggest that you are only talking about SOME people who are socially awkward. maybe you didn't do it intentionally but it looks as though you are categorizing all socially awkward people into one group. And how is my first comment defensive? In fact, I got this wrong but the first criticism would probably be in your first sentence. ''I think he's creepy''. already you're judging him.

[Dylan1989]

''I don't view people I don't know as being anything''. well you're contradicting yourself there. like you said ''you can come off as smart but you may not be smart''. the same way he can come off as creepy but he might not be creepy. so you can't view socially awkward people as being anything, in this case weird and uninterested.

[udolipixie]

Unless I put all it's a generality.

Sorry I thought people would be able to understand generalizations.

It is defensive to me instead of sharing your opinion.

So how I think of someone based on how he comes off is criticism? lol

Seems to you anything negative is criticism.

If you come off as weird & uninterested I think you're creepy.

If you come off as stupid & ditzy I think you're unintelligent.

It's not criticism but you're right on judging as judging = form a conclusion.

[udolipixie]

How I'm not judging by the cover but how they themselves come off as.

Judging by cover would be basing on what you see not what they do/say & come off as.

lol it's funny how defensive guys get if anything negative is said about being small/average sized, short, a virgin, shy, socially awkward, or not confident.

[Dylan1989]

Lol. Wow you really are jumping to conclusions. Just because I don't agree with your answer and I'm challenging you're opinions it means I'm defensive and I think anything negative is criticism? Wow. And no, how you think of someone based on how he comes off is not criticism, that's judging. But your conclusion of this guy was criticism. You criticized him by saying you wouldn't give him a chance all because of your perceptions.

[Dylan1989]

And it's funny you mention how defensive guys get. Girls get defensive too. And no offence to any of the girls, but girls get defensive if anything negative is said about boob size, weight, being tall, hair colour, being shy, having low self-esteem, being a virgin etc. So it works both ways.

[udolipixie]

"Wow you really are jumping to conclusions. Just because I don't agree with your answer and I'm challenging you're opinions it means I'm defensive"

You're the one jumping to conclusions that I'm criticizing and mean all awkward people.

Disagreeing isn't defensive your first comment was defensive and had nothing to do with your views.

You haven't even stated your views just incorrectly interpreted what I said.

[udolipixie]

How are you challenging my opinions?

If a person comes off weird & uninterested I think they're creepy because how they come off makes me feel creeped out.

You can't challenge the fact most socially awkward people come off weird & uninterested or what I think is creepy.

[udolipixie]

"I think anything negative is criticism?"

Apparently you do because to you finding someone weird & uninterested is criticism.

And no, how you think of someone based on how he comes off is not criticism, that's judging.

Which I tried to tell you.

"It's not criticism but you're right on judging as judging = form a conclusion."

But I'm not judging by the cover like your first comment states.

[udolipixie]

That the criticism lies in all socially awkward people coming off as weird & uninterested shows criticism to you is anything negative.

"But your conclusion of this guy was criticism. You criticized him by saying you wouldn't give him a chance all because of your perceptions."

I'm criticizing him by not going out with someone I find creepy?

Are you criticizing girls by not going out with they if you aren't attracted to them?

See how I get anything negative = criticism?

[udolipixie]

And it's funny you mention how defensive guys get. Girls get defensive too. And no offence to any of the girls, but girls get defensive if anything negative is said about boob size, weight, being tall, hair colour, being shy, having low self-esteem, being a virgin etc. So it works both ways.

When did I say it didn't?

[udolipixie]

''I don't view people I don't know as being anything''. well you're contradicting yourself there. like you said ''you can come off as smart but you may not be smart''.

I'd be contradicting if I thought he was weird & uninterested since I don't view people as being anything.

so you can't view socially awkward people as being anything, in this case weird and uninterested.

I can view them as creepy because their behavior creeps me out.

[Dylan1989]

How on earth is my first comment defensive? I was asking you a fair question from a neutral perspective. Have you not been reading what I said? My comments have everything to do with my views. I said you shouldn't judge someone before you criticize them which you clearly have done. We've already cleared up finally that you weren't talking about ALL awkward people. Just some. But you are criticizing this guy (well that's my opinion anyway). Why would I interpret what you said if I don't agree?

[Dylan1989]

you are judging on the cover though. ''I think he's creepy. socially awkward people come off as you do - weird & uninterested''. You're tryna tell me that's not judging? And I'm challenging the fact that you're saying you're not criticizing, which you are.

[udolipixie]

How is that a fair question when I'm not judging by the cover?

Judging by cover would be basing on what you see not what they do/say & come off as.

You're not a neutral perspective since you want to "challenge" my opinions.

Your comments only misinterpreted my comments.

You only now just said I shouldn't judge someone before I criticize them.

Once again how is it judging to be creeped out by someone's behavior and think them creepy?

And how is it criticizing by not going out with them?

[udolipixie]

But you are criticizing this guy (well that's my opinion anyway)

Your opinion is null. Everyone has an opinion.

I just want to know:

how is it judging to think someone is creepy because their behavior creeps you out?

how is it criticizing him by not going out with a guy I find creepy?

Are you criticizing girls by not going out with they if you aren't attracted to them?

[Dylan1989]

you're criticizing him by saying you wouldn't give him a chance. you're viewing them as creepy as a result of judging them to be weird and uninterested. ''I don't view people I don't know as anything''. Then why do you view them to be weird and uninterested if you don't know them?

[Dylan1989]

I am a neutral perspective. Just because I am challenging your opinions it doesn't mean I'm on the opposite side. I am just interested in your views. You don't have to oppose someone to challenge their views. Fair enough, my opinion is null, as is yours.

[udolipixie]

"You're criticizing him by saying you wouldn't give him a chance. "

Once again are you criticizing a girl by not giving her a chance because you judged her as unattractive?

[udolipixie]

This is the problem.

You're misinterpreting.

The correct quote is:

"I don't view people I don't know as being anything."

They come off as weird & uninterested doesn't mean they are (being).

That weird & uninterested behavior creeps me out so I think he's creepy.

What I think of someone /= what they are.

I can get creeped out and think he's creepy without viewing him as being creepy.

My opinion is only null to you since you didn't ask for it.

[Dylan1989]

OK let's take your scenario. ''Once again are you criticizing a girl by not giving her a chance because you judged her as unattractive?''. If I didn't give a girl a chance because I judged her as unattractive then yes, I would be criticizing. I would be criticizing her looks. She may be either too ugly or too fat or whatever it is. How do YOU get creeped out and think a guy is creepy if you don't actually VIEW him as creepy?

[udolipixie]

"How do YOU get creeped out and think a guy is creepy if you don't actually VIEW him as creepy?"

By thinking of the behavior not the person.

I think he's creepy because his behavior creeped me not that he's a creep (being).

Is that so hard to comprehend?

lol according to you everyone judges someone before criticizing them unless they date everyone.

[Dylan1989]

lol oh yes I think everyone judges someone before criticizing them unless they date everyone

[udolipixie]

You do realize

judging /= negative

criticizing /= negative

To me it seems you find judging & criticizing negative.

[Dylan1989]

yes I know judging and criticism /= negative. but usually when you criticize someone you indicate the faults of someone in a disapproving way = negative in this case. I don't find judging and criticizing negative in all cases. But I do find it negative in your answer.

[udolipixie]

But I do find it negative in your answer.

How am I disapproving him by being creeped out thereby not wanting to date him?

If a girl whose scared of spiders or creeped out by snot disapproving them?

Not liking something /= disapproving

Seems like you think all girls should give socially awkward guys a chance if not they're judging, criticizing, and disapproving them.

I find it odd how guys on here think girls shouldn't have any tastes except the ones the guys fit.

[Dylan1989]

Lol. OK then. You keep thinking what you wanna think.

[udolipixie]

I will.

Your way of thinking is hilarious to me.

Funny that everyone is negatively criticizing if they don't go out with someone because they don't like him.

/end as it's obvious that to you not going out with someone because you're creeped out by their weird/uninterested behavior is disapproving of them negatively

lol next time when you decide not to approach a girl because you don't find her attractive or interesting you're indicating her faults in a disapproving way

lol

[Dylan1989]

Lol. You are just completely hilarious. You completely missed the point. But anyway, like I said, think what you wanna think.

[udolipixie]

Nope your point was because I won't date him because I'm creeped out by the fact he comes off as weird & uninterested I'm judging and negatively criticizing him.

"you're criticizing him by saying you wouldn't give him a chance. you're viewing them as creepy as a result of judging them to be weird and uninterested."

"usually when you criticize someone you indicate the faults of someone in a disapproving way = negative in this case."

What faults did I indicate besides that I felt creeped? lol

[Dylan1989]

Do I really need to explain AGAIN?

[udolipixie]

Nope it seems I need to repeat.

Your point was because I won't date him because I'm creeped out by the fact he comes off as weird & uninterested I'm judging and negatively criticizing him.

"you're criticizing him by saying you wouldn't give him a chance. you're viewing them as creepy as a result of judging them to be weird and uninterested."

"usually when you criticize someone you indicate the faults of someone in a disapproving way = negative in this case."

His fault was I was creeped out.

[udolipixie]

@encoder

More like typical shallow human as I think typically most people are shallow.

I doubt guys approach gals by personality and non shallow attributes rather than by looks.

You're assuming that the other gals are lying.

[Anonymous]

I think, Good, I'm not alone, someone else has social anxiety also.

[moviedude714]

they find it a turn-off