My girlfriend's obsession with the "future" is driving me insane!

[Anonymous]

I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months.

We are both 23 and get along pretty well.

I do like being with her and I think we are very compatible.

She is in a Masters Program at a local university and I am applying to Masters Programs for Aug 2012 (I had plans to get my masters before I met her). The masters I am looking for is ultra specific -- very few schools offer it -- and none of them are local.

Basically by leaving we'd be anywhere from 8-14 hours away (driving). Making it very hard to see her. Not trying to be negative, but it is hard to stay with someone when you are busy in school who lives so far away.

I really want to get my Masters and I know it will be very good for me. My career is more important then my girlfriend. I am just being honest.

But whenever we talk about school she always gives me sh** about me leaving. I'm like "it's a YEAR away, chill." I feel like she wants to talk about it whenever and it drives me crazy. Even when we don't have conversations pertaining to my masters program she still finds a way to talk about it.

It is frustrating. I care about her and I like her, but I don't ever want to say "look my career and this masters program is more important to me then you."

She is so obsessed with the future.

It's over a year away and I feel stressed about it when I shouldn't.

Help?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I can completely relate to you and your girlfriend in this situation, and I appreciate and respect your honesty in this situation.

She has reasons for being obsessed with the future, whether you like it or not. She is worried about the future between both of you (long distance relationship is pretty much a deal breaker and it's never easy after all), and not only that, she wants control over the future in a relationship. Because of that, she's attached to you and she becomes more and more clingy.

What you can do:

Decide on whether you wanna still stay with her in a relationship. Is it practical for both of you to have a relationship together now and in the future? If the future is just too uncertain for both of you, it's best to cut this relationship and stay as friends because time is just not right and it's just going to be too much of a hassle and work for both of you to stay in a relationship. Don't lead her on if you shouldn't. Think carefully about this, and act now.

If you think it's practical for both of you to have a solid and sure future together, reassure her by telling her that you'd keep in touch with her consistently and be there for her. Be specific with what you'd do (e.g. skyping with her etc.) By saying that, you'll have to put in effort and commitment towards her and your relationship with her. But with that said, if all these relationship things and commitment become too much of a hassle, or should you see that this relationship is not working out for both of you, both of you still have to come to terms that break-up is inevitable even if both of you are pretty compatible.

And no don't tell her that "look my career and this masters program is more important to me then you." She has to realize this on her own.

Think thoroughly and carefully about this, be tactful and mindful about everything, and speak graciously. Good luck.

PS: Feel free to type to me if there's anything else I can help :)

[Darkfairie17]

I think she is worried because she loves you a lot and wants there to be a future with you. But is afraid of losing you since you would be leaving. You even say yourself that your and masters program is more important than her. Are you planning on breaking up when you leave? I know it will probably be hard. But don't drag her on in a relationship if you already have a pre-determined time for it to end. I hate when guys do that, because it hurts a lot. My last boyfriend was kind of like that, he was very wishy washy and seemed to rather have other things than be with me.

I know it's tough but you really need to think about what you are going to do. If you plan on staying with her and trying to make it work, then you need to start now planning ways to see each other. Could she take her program at a school closer to you? Is that a possibility? You may not be able to, but she might.

Also, are you willing to put off your schooling for a little longer to stay with her, and then when she's done she could work while you are in school? Or vice versa?

I know you think it's over a year away, but I think the main thing with her is that she is anxious to know if she is just going to get the dumps after that or if you are going to stay with her. You need to be upfront. It's not fair to be with her for a year and then just dump her, if the relationship is going well. I would feel the same way as her. And I think that is why she is upset and why this is bothering her so much.

I don't date guys unless I'm serious about a future with them. That might sound crazy, but I look for guys who are decent and have their heads on straight. And hopefully they see a future with me. I don't see a point in just dating people randomly. She could feel the same way and I think she does. Otherwise it wouldn't bother her as much.

[theana]

yeah I totally agree with what you have up

[Eiffelgirl21]

Here is the thing...YOU feel it will not work out when you go away...She probably can sense that you feel this...And, doesn't want to lose you.

So, why are you still with her? I know..it is a year away..but, why waste more time and waste her time for another year?

For me, I am going away to university..but, that isn't going to stop me and my relationship. Love is love. And, nothing should come in the way of love, unless it's cheating and etc.

Anyway, I am not trying to be mean...And, her behavior is normal for a girl. I would do the same thing...she probably just wants to hear you say "we will work through it"..instead of not hearing anything. If you want her to stop talking about it..then tell her what she wants to hear...that is the only way to get "us" women to shut up..most of the time...lol...

[dtaijo174]

You two aren't in the same place in life. She is looking the ring, wedding, and kids. You probably won't want this for a few more years. You need to level with her.

[theana]

The future is important to her she wants to know weather or not you want a future with her

She loves you and cares about you its obviuse you should be happy she feels the way she does but your not happy and your not in love with her so don't wast her time let her go now not a year from now that will hurt her even more if you wait any longer she feels you sleiping away and it hurts her

[Darkfairie17]

Agree! :)

[theana]

Aw thanks I know what its like to be the girlfriend and loving my boyfriend so much and not knowing what's going to happen and not wanting to lose my boyfriend and then my boyfriend braking up with me after a year and 2 and a half months and he new a long time before I did that he planed on braking up with me but eventually I felt him starting to slip away and I figured out something was wrong and he dumpt me over the phone it hurt so much

[Darkfairie17]

I know what you mean, that's happened to me too :(

[theana]

Yeah it sucks :(

[Anonymous]

well of course she is. she's 23! she's thinking about white fences and 2.5 kids. her clock is ticking away and she thinks she's wasting her time with you

[chrystalkay]

i agree!

[dtaijo174]

+1

[Darkfairie17]

I agree also, it sounds like she wants a marriage in the future and is afraid this guy is just gonna dump her in a year. Why waste her time if that is what you are going to do? If you are going to do that :S

[Vasillilaw]

Do you plan on marrying her? Because if you do then you could say something like, "I'm doing this for our future." Or something along those lines.

[brunettebelle]

She is attached to you, and really loves you. Don't break her heart.