I feel like I always support my girlfriend, but she never supports me?

[Anonymous]

Both my girlfriend and I are in grad schools programs.

She is in a medical program and I am in an art program.

I will be the first to admit that her work is more intense and time consuming.

She has finals and tests and papers all the time, but my work is more "fun" so it's easier to get done and less stressful than the work she does. Also, I prepare differently while she waits till the last minute.

I feel like whenever she has a test I ask her how it went or will even quiz her sometimes. In fact, if I don't she'll get mad that I didn't and say "you should ask how my test went, I shouldn't have to tell you how it went."

However, she never asks how my stuff goes and I feel like she never is there to support me.

She has even said that she will never contact me first on the day of a test or paper because as a boyfriend I should reach out to her and ask her how everything went with her. It's so stupid. We are both 24...who cares who contacts the other person first.

Last week she had a test and I asked her how it went, etc. She also knew that day I had a critique. She knows that my critiques last an hour and she knew the specific time it was. Over 3 hours later she never asked how it went. So I just texted her told her how and it went and she said she felt bad for not asking.

My girlfriend calls or texts me all the time when she is stressed from school and I will gladly be there for her, but I don't feel like she is there for me. She seems to think this is OK because her program is more diffucult, but it's not exactly a cake walk. She never asks me what I am working on, but I'll always ask her.

I might have stress, I just deal with it different or I don't have tests like she does.

Am I overreacting here?

Thanks!

[selfishstars]

No, you're not overreacting. It sounds like she's living in her own "Me World" and expects you to take the supporting role, without considering that you have things going on in your life and they're just as important to you as her stuff is important to her.

Sometimes when people are going through something particularly stressful, difficult, or taxing, they tend to view what's going on in their life as more significant/important than what's going on in other people's lives, especially if they assess what's going on in other people's lives as easier. It's like when you tell someone, "I had a bad day today" and instead of inquiring about your day, they say something like, "You think you had a bad day?" and then start rambling on about their bad day. Even if their day was "worse" than yours, it doesn't change the fact that you might need someone to talk to or to give you support. Just because it's not "as bad" doesn't mean that it's completely insignificant.

I think this is especially true when one person has decent coping mechanisms and the other person doesn't. For example, if when you're stressed out, you deal with it pretty well or are more calm on the outside, whereas she might be someone who doesn't deal with stress well, is more verbal, or allows her stress to affect her life in other ways, she might assess that you aren't really stressed out because if you were, you would be having a similar reaction as she does. Of course, that's wrong.

She has expectations of you but doesn't give you back the same compassion and support---but I think the most likely explanation is that she doesn't realize that she's being selfish. Perhaps in her past, other people have treated her as the center of attention, catered to her, etc. I think that this kind of attitude is more common for women to have because in a lot of cases, when girls have sh*t going on, they're babied. They're encouraged to express their emotions and rely on others for support. Guys, on the other hand, tend to have more of a "man up" upbringing---if things are hard, fix it or deal with it; don't show that it gets to you, don't complain about how hard or stressful it is, and you need to deal with it on your own. I'm not saying that's universally true, but it does seem like the trend.

My advice is to talk to her about it. Basically tell her what you've said here and see how she responds. She might get upset (it's always hard to hear that you're being selfish or uncaring), but if she's a reasonable person, she'll listen to what you have to say, recognize that it's true, and try to fix it. Don't expect an overnight change---she's probably been like this for her entire life, so it might take some time. If she doesn't show any signs that she's trying to be more caring and supportive, bring it up again. If all you get is apologies, but never any change---let her know that you don't want an apology, you just want her to give you the same support that you give her.

[selfishstars]

But if after some time, you don't see any effort on her part to be more supportive, then perhaps you should re-evaluate whether you want to be with someone who expects you to go out of your way to support her but isn't willing to give anything in return.

[omnious410]

No man your not overreacting, I had the same kind of issues except it wasn't so school related it was more like I would go hoop she wouldn't show interested yet when she goes to dance I'm expected to ask how it went. Its something that you just have to get use to man. I feel like a lot of girls are like this because they are very self centered (not all just alot). Best advice I can give you man is to be like me, address it to her and if she stills doesn't then address again, or just brush it off and be laid back.

[Asailum]

because girls will push their limits as far as YOU let them. If you give her the opportunity to take advantage and take more than she gives, she will and its only cause your not being assertive enough to have a problem about it right away. Don't stand for that sh*t..

[Anonymous]

You're not over reacting, you're starting to notice the differences in your personalities. Likely she will always be this way, don't think this is only because of school. If it's bothering you this much right now I would caution you to evaluate whether you would be okay with dealing with issues such as this for the rest of your life.