Is it true that men prefer to be respected than loved?

[Girl000]

I asked the questions if you 'can have a relationship with a workaholic?', and one of the answers I got was that a man would "rather be respected by his work peers and wife/girlfriend than loved." ... And that "The problem lies with the fact that men derive much more of their self-worth from their work than women will be able to comprehend. A man IS what he DOES, even a normal man." As the answerer predicted, this is hard for me as a women to understand, given I place such a high value on love and relationships. It is not something I want to believe, especially as I am in love with a workaholic. Guys does this resonate with you? Is it true?

[TheDigitalSaint]

Just for clarity, I was that guy that responded in the other post.

Here are some ways you can intentionally or unintentionally disrespect a man:

1. Criticize him in public, espcially in front of friends or his boss. This is killer. With men deriving much of their self-worth from work and the respect of other men (and to a lesser, but significant degree, women), if you tear him down even unintentionally, it can be hard to recover, especially for a man that isn't secure in himself to begin with.

You may think it was a joke that he couldn't put together that desk-in-a-box, but he probably didn't. After all, men are "supposed" to know how to do this stuff. Rational? Not always. Hurtful? Quite possibly. Error on the side of caution and refrain from commentary that could be construed as disrespectful of his capabilities inside or outside of the home.

2. Make disparaging comments about his friends or family. Men, on average have fewer friends than women. What few friends we often keep around, we treasure dearly. If you launch an attack on one of our mates, you're talking about us indirectly. If the man you are with is mature, most likely so will his friends. If a man lacks maturity, and has friends that genuinely are lacking in the personal development category, then you need to question your choice in men.

The saying "bro's before hoe's" didn't come out of nowhere. Watch the show Band of Brothers. Millions of men love this show and for a very sound reason. Loyalty and sacrifice to the team will always take precedent. We get angry when other men disrespect a good leader, or otherwise act out selfishly. We also prize those men who will do anything for a friend. The saying "no man left behind" really means "no man". Attack a man's friend's and you attack him personally. If you feel his friends are without reservation, lacking, that means you need to leave the relationship.

3. Any kind of emasculating comments that are said out of spite cut very deeply. Tell a man he isn't earning enough money. Tell him that he isn't very good in bed. Tell him that he is awkward or otherwise incapable. Tell him you think of him as a "nice guy". If he ever had feelings for you before, any of the above will certainly hurt him on the inside. All of these things translate in his head as "not man enough for you".

As men, we feel the need to prove ourselves, to our fellow men, as much as to the women we are trying to win over. It is a fierce competition and many men up losers. A mature man wants and desires love, but will be incapable of attracting a stable woman unless he is master and commander of his own world. Respect is more important to a man, because it is the prerequisite of love.

[TheDigitalSaint]

One final note: Women don't "love" the men they don't "respect". If you don't respect a man, you won't feel attracted to him.

[Moloch]

Wow this deserves best answer, you really can't get more honest than that.

[Girl000]

Interesting that most the answers match up to what you said. I guess I would be silly not to take on board your advice and comments... I will somehow ask my workaholic if he feels he can find a balance between work and having a relationship. I will try and get more specifics than just a ' yes, I will make time for you'. I guess I should also approach it in a way that shows him how much I respect him (as I totally do) - and also since I have just learnt how important respect is!

[TheDigitalSaint]

You appear to be a caring and mature woman. Before you talk with him, I'll give you one more homework assignment.

You should read the following book:

For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn

This book does have some Christian underpinnings, so if that isn't your persuasion, you may have to overlook those parts. Nonetheless, the practical advice in understanding men on a deeper level is near flawless in that book.

[TheDigitalSaint]

There is a companion book for men by the same author which is similarly excellent. You can find book at many bookstores and on Amazon.com. Read it before you talk with him and you'll be better prepared to address his needs and yours. Message me if you need anything else or update your post here.

[swiftsaver602]

Excellent answer. I will definitely take all of this to heart.

[Cool-Relax]

What if it's a guy's friend who is negative towards his girlfriend? Where does the loyalty stand, and how is she supposed to react without it being an attack on him? Just putting that out there...

[TheDigitalSaint]

Well, that's a tough battle to fight. How long he's known both the friend and girlfriend will play heavily as to who he is going to trust in the end. Perhaps he could trust them both, but believe that they are both incorrect about each other. Are you talking about a specific incident in your life, or just in general?

[uluvshrainey]

Oh Wow. So I found the book "For Women Only..." a few years ago in a book store and started reading it, and I really liked it. But I didn't buy it, planning to go buy it later. But I couldn't for the life of me remember the name. thanks for your review :)

[TheDigitalSaint]

You're welcome. It is a fantasic read that is a real page turner. You'll get through it in no time.

[DaveDirtily]

I...would rather be loved personally. I love the work that I do and so I feel the love from my coworkers, clients, prospective clients, just people in general. Yet if I have nothing to do I will sit and read and observe the happenings in my peripheral vision. It is interesting to see how people act when they think nobody is watching them, if you are a man of faith then you know you are always being watched however.

[Anonymous]

Relationships are just means for men to get sex and domestic favors. Why would it be that big of deal to them? Work means money and money also gives men access to sex and luxuries. What good do relationships do them?

[Moloch]

Agree, unless she's really special.

[TheDigitalSaint]

While sex is without a doubt one the biggest things a woman brings to a relationship and domestic favors don't hurt either, we still crave someone who loves us and understands why it is we struggle so hard to do what we do. It takes a special woman to understand a man on that level beyond the merely sexual. If you think a man is only an animal that wants sex, you won't get to his inner emotional layers. It goes both ways.

[Opinion Owner]

"Special" - exceptionally attractive compared to the othe women he can have sex with. Trying to get to know a guy emotionally does you no good unless you're his preferred sexual partner first.

[Moloch]

Nah I disagree, special is more of a personality thing.

[swiftsaver602]

I'm sorry, but this is highly frustrating. It's the 21st century...when are we going to get away from the idea of treating men like animals? So respect and career success is high on a guy's list, perhaps above love, but they're still human. You can't make generalizations that men only want sex and money, thus relationships are irrelevant. I love sex. It's one of the most important factors in a relationship for me...

[swiftsaver602]

...having a guy that's able to do "domestic favors" like putting up a shelf or moving heavy furniture is a plus, too, even if I can do it myself. Does that mean I'm incapable of loving him? No. People aren't one-sided, and they aren't emotionless robots either, men and women just sometimes prioritize differently. End rant.

[TheDigitalSaint]

Well done swift.

The best girlfriends think like this:

My man isn't a flawed "woman". He's a man. He has his needs, which are every bit as valid as my needs, but they will never be exactly the same. How can I best service his needs, while making sure that he loves me in return?

Hearing about why men aren't more outwardly emotional, they care too much about sex, etc. would be like a man saying to a woman "stop having so many feelings!" aint' gonna happen!

[Opinion Owner]

And the best way to service his needs is to give him visual stimulation and as much sexual novelty as he desires.

[martyfellow]

Well, we like both, and we woldn't want to have to CHOOSE which was more important. But these days, we don't get a lot of respect from women, so a lot of guys would say that respect was more important day to day...love is something more evanescent, but we think respect is solid and can be earned.. Love is more of a chance.. you know?

What a GREAT question~

[TheDigitalSaint]

Marty, I agree with you my friend. Sadly, many women think it is "empowering" to turn a man down in a nasty fashion. Instead, of calling a nervous or shy guy "creepy", how about telling him you're flattered, but that you aren't interested in a nice way? You let him save face, even he he's disappointed. He'll feel a lot better when he approaches the next woman, and who knows, you might just be that NEXT WOMAN.

[TheDigitalSaint]

Also, when books are published by New York Times author's with the title "Are Men Really Necessary?", you have to wonder why so many men are crying out for respect. Can you imagine if "Are Women Really Necessary?" were to be published? How about "Are Those Jews Really Necessary?" The outrage would start a riot. In that way, men are fair game for their respect in ways that others are not. That's why we crave a woman that respects us above all else.

[swiftsaver602]

This is so true, proven by the anon girl's answer below. It's such a shame that gender perceptions have been twisted to such a degree where men are degraded today as being emotionless, creepy, etc.

[Moloch]

Men have a need to be respected, don't underestimate that. Being loved and respected goes hand in hand when it comes to relationships because women wouldn't even give us the time of day if they didn't respect us.

[TheDigitalSaint]

Right on. Women laugh or take pity (sometimes openly, sometimes internally) on the men they don't respect, however there is zero emotional attraction to a man a woman doesn't respect. In the rare case that she still gives him a chance, she will come to resent him and "nag" him like crazy for not being the man she wanted. Women do not really want a work in progress, but rather the finished product, otherwise there will be fights. A man builds himself to be worthy of said respect.

[dudeman]

i agree I would rather be respected then to be loved but if I can get both that would be amazing but if I have to choose id go with respect

[Anonymous]

Ummmm

Since when is both NOT an option?

[TheDigitalSaint]

While we all want both, the fact remains that women really only love the men they respect.

No respect = no love.

That doesn't mean we don't want or aren't capable of love, but without respect, we won't even come close to being loved.

[JayCutler]

yes...

[foolycooly1001]

Not for me.