I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 months now...i care a lot about him but I can't read him...he seems to have so many layers and I want to be patient and learn more about him, but it's hard for me when I feel like he's being aloof. he's dated a lot in the past but hasn't had a girlfriend in about 3 years, and he told me he put it out there into the universe so to speak that he wanted a girl like me and he finally found me...but sometimes I feel like if I'm the treasure he's been waiting for, why doesn't he treat me like that? he's not good at communicating - he told me he doesn't see the need to call a girlfriend everyday, and I said that's understandable but daily communication (IM, text, something) is important to me. sometimes he'll call, sometimes text, very rarely though, and when we talk on IM there are days when he is uber talkative but mostly it's just a quick hey what's up and it's usually me initiating and then he'll respond with "everything's ok" or whatever. we probably see each other 2x a week. I realize this is new, but also I'm going through a hard time in my life right now being unemployed and coming out of a bad break up, and while I don't expect him to "fix" me, I do expect him to ask how I'm feeling or at least check up on me. he just seems so aloof! sometimes he's really sweet and cuddly and other times he just seems self-centered. plus he's a total workaholic and I just always feel like I'm overstepping my boundaries if I want to talk to him because he seems so busy...but how can we evolve if we don't talk? I've told him it's important to me, but I have no idea what's going on or how I should approach him to tell him this really really bothers me and I would like to move the relationship forward but talking for a min a day doesn't do it...btw, we haven't been intimate yet either (which is fine), but can anyone give me a clue about his behavior, what it means, and if I should be patient and not read too much into things? on the good days, we have the best conversations and are pretty playful, but they seem so far and few between...
I can't read him!
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Oh my god! You can say that again! I feel like I just read my own thoughts. My boyfriend is like this too. We've been together for a year and this stuff is still going on. Granted, he has become more affectionate but all of the bad stuff that you just mentioned has remained. I am begining to think that it is a part of his personality (this goes for your man too). That because of being raised to be a "man" in society, he cannot treat me the way I feel I should be treated. Think about it, men are not taught to be exspressive and emotional, if men do show emotions growing up they might be called "babies" or "fags". So they become intoverted, this behavior carries on well into adulthood and usually lasts entire lifetimes. I am pretty sure that they are
-for the most part- unconcious of their introvert behavior as it is so deaply ingrained in their routines and behaviors.So that means that you get the short end of the stick and they don't even realise what they are doing to you. This is such of a hard thing to deal with. After a year of this type of stuff this is how I am left feeling: that I love my boyfriend and he means so much to me, but that I am also being gyped. That if I love someone, I want the love to be retuned, equally. And that if he leaves something out of the equation, like calling me when he says he's going to call back or calling me just to see how I am; I feel like I am not loved the way I am loving him. Yes, phone calls seem like small things, but they are representitve of much larger things like commitment, empathy and respect.
So what do you do? Well, first you have to know this, he may never change, this might be it. Which more than likely, is the case. With that in mind, there is nothing you can do to change him and you shouldn't try, that's not up to you, it is up to him. But, you should at least talk to him, tell him all of this and tell him that you deserve more, because you do. If he doesn't open up, it will then be up to you whether or not you can live with a man that isn't behind you 100%. I will tell you a year down the road, that it is possible, but sometimes it hurts me more than I can bare. Good Luck Sister.
Thank you so much for the feedback. I know sometimes I feel like I'm going insane. ugh, and I do like him a lot. but I hate feeling like I'm the "dude" because I initiate or whatever. it's just frustrating, especially because I have a huge heart and I want to spill out my emotions and just be my carefree, loving, spontaneous self with him, and he just seems so restrained. UGH. I had a "communication talk" with him before but I think I do need to have a heart to heart soon...
I think that I read somewhere that men speak an average of 2000 words a day and women 7000. The common (mis)perception is that communication just isn't our strong suit. It isn't that we don't have feelings, we just tend to deal with them differently. Chances are pretty good that if he is telling you that everything is OK with him, then they are.
You are right for wanting to have some help and support from someone while dealing with life issues, but it is asking a lot for a relatively new significant other to help you through coming out of a bad breakup. I have yet to see this play out well in any relationship (at least the ones I've been in).
Some perspective may help here... if you aren't working and he is, then it may be easy to see him as a workaholic. Even if he is one, there is a possibility that the difference between your situations may be magnified more, especially if you are stressing over not having a job. Also, having come out of a bad breakup, your emotional needs are likely to be different than his and this may make him a little wary, but no less caring.
By all means seek out his support, but don't forget that you have friends and family that you can call on as well. Try to keep your expectations realistic, and keep your head up. Sometimes when we are down, it is hard to remember the good things, and it sounds like the two of you have had some really good times so far. Try to build on those. :)
If you're the girl that he's been waiting for, he could possibly be taking things slow so that he doesn't mess it up. What needs to happen is that you two come to some common ground about the communication, his behavior and work. You have to tell him straight up what you want and need from the relationship and he needs to do the same, you will have to compromise on some things but isn't that something everyone does in any relationship? Yes I do think that you need to be patient to an extent because it is still new and you don't want to rush into anything but at the same time you haven't been dating for a week so I wouldn't say that you're overstepping your boundaries when you want to speak to him. Talk to him, I would say face to face with it being such a serious conversation. Hope it works out for you. =]