How long does a girl hold a grudge?

[medic86]

Hey,

So I was really close to this girl and we texted everyday and became quite good friends (not relationship).

Anyway, to cut a long story short I had some really bad news at work (along the lines of going down like the Hindenberg type news) so I was a bit upset and when I chatted to the girl later I told her I was getting sued. She doesn't ask me anything to do about it, doesn't even acknowledge it. Well I'm slightly upset by this and a few days later after texting her and agreeing not to meet up that night (both busy) I asked her if she was free to talk and she didn't reply, so after getting some more bad news about the case, I kinda insultingly told her if she didn't want to talk that was fine but she could at least tell me I wasn't worth her time and I'd at least respect that.

Anyway, she doesn't like this text very much, I'm still angry at her, but she doesn't ask me why I'm angry so I don't tell her (she still doesn't know any of the details of my being sued).

I apologized several times over the next few days, as I was well out of line, but didn't explain why I was pissed (as she didn't ask) and offered to leave her alone for awhile if it would help. She didn't answer that question and just replied about something so I'm now pretty confused about what she wants.

I decided that I'd leave it in er court and not message her. A week later I drop her a message seeing how she was and checking we were still friends. She tells me we are but doesn't ask me anything about how I am, so I figure she wants me to leave her alone.

2 weeks after that, we still Haven't talked (and I had a disaster where I smashed up my phone and had to buy a new one so I have no-ones numbers) so I I drop her a message on Facebook, she ignores it, I drop her another one asking how she is trying to be cheerful and I didn't mention the argument at all - since apparently we're still 'friends', she again ignores it. A month has gone by since then and part of me feels maybe my friendship never mattered to her, she obviously doesn't care, maybe I misjudged her and she only ever cared about me when I was happy but didn't want the friendship when I was upset?

But then another side of me figures I have NO idea how a girls mind works - maybe she expected me to make the effort a month ago? Text her more? She still has no idea about the details of me being sued. I guess the friendship has sunk like the Titanic, but it'd be nice to know for future reference what went wrong. Any advice would be great, I still feel guilty about hurting her, I know I'd be deluding myself thinking we could be friends as we were but I don't want to F-up future friendships the same way :-(

Or I could just man-up and think "f-it, not my problem time to forget her and make new friends"

[Gianni]

I can't speak for other girls I can only talk for myself. If I was close to you and you did that to me I admit I would be pretty upset but my grudge wouldn't have gone so long because I am too forgiving a person and by the end of the week it would have been eating me up inside.

But basically you gave her the brush off and now you're trying to get back in. Not only is that unfair but its a bit insulting. No one can read minds no matter what other people think. You can read expressions but expressions are not conveyed well via text message. there is always something missing and it is possible that because you didn't say that you wanted to talk she didn't pick up on your need for it. I am sure if you were face to face she could have seen it.

I think though that after all that effort you did exude she didn't even feel the compunction to reply then you're wasting your breath and your time. But at least you have a valuable lesson under your belt BUT it is important to remember that NOT ALL FEMALES ARE THE SAME! she might have reacted that way and another might not. you just need to pay attention to what you do when you're angry

[medic86]

Thanks for the advice, pretty much when I get some bad news I need to chill the f-out and not vent on anyone as I'll regret it. Everydays a school day :-)

[JanJan]

Some women hold grudges, some don't. And vice versa for men. This has nothing to do with her being a woman, but it has everything to do with her personality. Although she was clearly offended by your comment, she didn't make much of an effort to ask you about your problems, or show any sign that she even cared. I don't know anything about her or why she did what she did, but she should have been a bit more of a friend to you. However, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, and you know that you didn't do the right thing either.

Next time try not to get angry, but you should realize that she wasn't a very good friend either. You both made mistakes, but try and move forward now. Try and use good communication skills in your relationships. If you need one of your friends to have your back, you might have to ask, rather than waiting for them to offer. Just say "Hey, this happened today", and vent to them about it. A good friend might need to be told that they need to help you, but they will do it anyways.

[medic86]

Thanks for your reply, I didn't want to dump my anger on her but maybe I should have asked her to be there. guess I applied a standard I apply to myself on to someone else - not her fault. Time to move on :-)

[JanJan]

All friends have tiffs. You were upset because she didn't support you, and she was upset because she didn't understand why you got mad. But lesson learned, right? I'm sure you guys can work through it.

[medic86]

Yep lesson learned! Next time I see her I'll grovel, but in a cool dignified way ha ha :-)

[Anonymous]

In holding a grudge people are completely different. Personally harbouring bad feelings for someone is so exhausting that it hurts me more than anyone else, so I generally forget my issue with in a few days, and forgive. The memory will surface and be added to a list every time I have been wronged by that person but I have never yet been able to hold on to any bad feelings for someone.

My mother is the same way, I know my dad's ex's have been border line psychotic however, and even hate on my family because of mere association with my d***ish father, and my father is also a very deep grudge holder, even when he is in the wrong.

[medic86]

Thanks, I don't know how she is - we live pretty far away and are very busy so when I see her I'll smile and not hold a grudge, I'm not usually angry and we'll see how she wants us to be, c'est la vie I guess :-)

[Anonymous]

maybe at that beginning point she didn't want to pry because you guys werent that close or maybe she just really didn't care. I think for future reference you've learned an important lesson that a lot of women have to learn...ask for what you need instead of expecting someone to be able to read your mind. if you needed to talk about it and wanted some support you should have just told her "damn I had a bad day do you mind if I unload on you?" or "something really horrible happened to me today I'm being sued not sure I wanna talk about it right now but probably later" instead of punishing her for not asking and then being angry because she didn't react the way you needed her to...I'd call this relationship a bust at this point. if she wanted to find out how you were doing she'd text you...so whatever you did or didn't do turned her off to you. Just give it time and let her contact you if she cares to

[medic86]

Thanks for your comment :-). Yea - I figured it was sunk, Just frustrating as whenever she was upset I realized and acknowledged it, when I needed her too she didn't return the favour. I see I've applied a standard to her that I apply to myself - not her fault and time to move on. If she wants to be friends she'll contact me if/when she is ready :-)

[Opinion Owner]

yep and that's what women do we pride ourselves on trying to 'know' our man and be especially attentive but when we don't tell them we want it in return we get pissed cause they don't do it in return when to us that's OBVIOUS and to them it's not...i guess...lol

[medic86]

Ha ha, my freinds advise was "The one in the relationship with the most power is the one that cares the least" - he is a very wise but depressing man ha ha! Lesson learned anyway, cheers for you are help :-)

[Opinion Owner]

omg he is a wise man that's very true lol!

[myty420]

to your question:FOREVER

[medic86]

Ha ha! Love it!