Girl has a boyfriend but gives me mixed signals - what's she thinking!

[kieran87]

Hi all. I met this girl when I was performing at a function with my band a couple months ago. We're both in college. We spoke briefly, before I proceeded to add her on Facebook. She took the initiative to contact me, and from there we took the conversation to IM and texts. We'd talk for hours on IM at night, and exchange texts all day.

I eventually asked her out for lunch - it was very casual. I said "Let's meet up again soon," and she suggested a movie. From then on we went out a number of times and it went very typically - dinner, movie then I'd send her home. We'd joke and make each other laugh with a bit of playful nudging. Sometimes she'd even talk while leaning her arm on my shoulder. It seemed all good - because I was blissfully unaware that she had a bf.

When I realized that bit of truth (from a mutual friend) it was too late cos by that time I was really into her. They've been together for 3 years, and are now in a long-distance relationship. I was devastated, but I didn't bring it up because I figured that she'd want to tell me herself. I decided to lay off and not ask her out anymore. Instead one day she invited me over to her dorm to watch a movie on her laptop. At this point I was really confused, but I obliged.

Then one day she finally mentioned her bf. I also finally told her about my feelings for her, and she said we could still be good friends. She also said that she felt really bad about it. She then went on to tell me about how she didn't know where their relationship was going to go, since it was long distance. She'd go really upset every time we talked about LDRs but she also says"if there's a will, there's a way"

At first I was pretty sure that the attraction was mutual. She said that she doesn't have any close platonic friends, so to hang out with me and talk to me so often I must've meant something to her. But now I'm not so sure anymore. Could someone please suggest what might be going through her mind? I intend to just stay friends with her but I'd also just like to understand the situation better. Any help would be greatly appreciated! (:

cheers,

kieran

[bobbbing-wire]

Alright, I'm going to give it a shot. Don't be surprised if you aren't getting many responses, people get scared of long and complex questions :P I take my hat off to you for actually putting details, so it makes it easier to understand. Of course, keep in mind this is only a website, so if you have any actual witnesses, you should have a much more accurate answer.

Near the end you said that when she mentioned her boyfriend, she also said that she isn't sure about her relationship with him, because it's long-distance and all. I'm assuming it's quite far for it to be a problem. It's quite common (actually, it almost always happens) that LDR ends up with rupture, and naturally since physical contact suddenly disappears. Basically, she has doubts that stem from her rocky situation.

You mentioned her not having platonic friends. Are you the one person she likes to be around with the most? In that case, yes, she does single you out, for whatever reason... you probably have an interesting personality.

As you yourself have noticed, she does have behavior that is usually found in girls that have interest in a guy. Typically, girls don't go to such lengths for a guy, unless they're into him. You know that at a minimum, she likes you as a friend, but you could also think she's into you.

Just because a girl has a boyfriend, doesn't mean she can't like another guy. It doesn't necessarily mean that she'll cheat either. So it's possible that she's into you, but is repressing it because she has a boyfriend. But her situation is rocky, so that takes a little bit off the restraints.

The most I can do for you is narrow it down a little (possibly) and help you make your own decision by structuring the situation (with what you've told). You're probably thinking how this is just a recap and that you know all this stuff, but honestly, when you're in the pit as I call it (the problematic situation), you tend to get lost and turn in circles a lot.

Of course these are just mere interpretations, the definitive way of knowing is by actually asking her. I know facing her about your relationship with her isn't going to be comfortable, but you're going to save yourself a lot of pain. That doesn't mean you can or should stop being friends with her, you just need to know where you stand. She obviously trusts you more than she does other people, so she shouldn't have that much trouble talking to you about her problems. Just don't pry too much, if you get what I'm saying.

If you have any additional questions or details, go ahead and post 'em. Good luck with this, mate! Hope this helped, at least a little. It's often near impossible give a definite answer over the net :S

[kieran87]

And I take my hat off to you sir for taking the time to write such a lengthy answer! I'm very grateful.

You're absolutely right - I think I've been thinking in circles and getting nowhere with it. I have no intention to steal her from her boyfriend - so I guess I'll keep my distance from here on and focus my energy on something more constructive - like answering other people's questions on this site for example!

[bobbbing-wire]

Props to you for your good intentions. You can still be friends with her, it'd be a shame if your friendship just died.

[pinky1010]

As a girl myself, I don't like girls doing that to guys. They are being selfish and greedy

having a boyfriend but want attention and care from other guys

My advice is don't fall into the friend zone, you will hurt even more if you want to stay as friend. I am sure she likes you but she is evaluating the situation to see if it is worth to leave her Boyfriend and come to you.

Don't contact her for sometime, let her have some time and space. by doing that, she has time to think about the relationship with you and make the decision.

[kieran87]

A part of me wants to assume the best of her and think that she only treated me as a friend all along. But it just didn't seem that way. Alright I'll do just that. Thanks! (: