A few years ago I met someone who I not only found to be extremely unattractive but my skin literally crawled every time he touched me. However, I had gotten to know him as a friend and I thought to myself "you are not physically attracted to him but you can see that he is a good person with a good character and he truly cares about you and honestly, that should be all that matters to you." So I agreed to date him. During our on again of again relationship of a year we only had sex twice. However, now that it is over I am haunted by disgusting, traumatic memories of the two occasions that we did have sex. Sometimes the memories are so vivid and so traumatic that I can burst out crying in public with no warning.
The situation is made worse by the fact that with time, I learned that he was just as unattractive on the inside as he was on the outside. This makes me furious with myself for ever being stupid enough to think of him a being a good person but even more furious for ever letting someone like him touch me and have sex with me. I feel disgusted not only with him but with myself for having such little self worth that I let some unattractive, evil person with poor hygiene ever touch me. I overlooked the bad breath and the poor manners, I overlooked so many things because I was stupid enough to think he was a nice person. I'm not trying to be mean, it's just the way I feel. And before you accuse me of being shallow, ask yourselves how many of you out there would date and sleep with someone who had disgusting breath regardless of how many times you have told the they have bad breath and someone who you found extremely unattractive, poor social skills and is just generally unhygienic? Probably not many of you.
Has anyone out there ever done the same thing - dated and slept with someone you found extremely unattractive but you did so because you felt like they were a good person and that you should overlook physical attraction and they then turned out to not be a good person and now you are haunted by disgusting memories of your sexual encounter with them? Do you hate yourself for letting such a person touch you and for having such poor self esteem that you dated someone like that? If so, how did you move past this and heal?
PS: I'm not some vain woman who thinks I am more attractive than another person, quite the contrary actually. In fact, my reasoning when I got into the relationship was "I'm sure there are some men out there who would find me attractive but I'm sure there are also some men out there who would think I'm not attractive because different people have different tastes. I wouldn't want those men to deny me a chance just based on my looks only so I shouldn't do that to others."
Disclaimer: any spelling/grammatical errors are due to the fact that I typed all of this on my very annoying iPhone which insists on autocorrecting or auto completing every work I type.
The situation is made worse by the fact that with time, I learned that he was just as unattractive on the inside as he was on the outside. This makes me furious with myself for ever being stupid enough to think of him a being a good person but even more furious for ever letting someone like him touch me and have sex with me. I feel disgusted not only with him but with myself for having such little self worth that I let some unattractive, evil person with poor hygiene ever touch me. I overlooked the bad breath and the poor manners, I overlooked so many things because I was stupid enough to think he was a nice person. I'm not trying to be mean, it's just the way I feel. And before you accuse me of being shallow, ask yourselves how many of you out there would date and sleep with someone who had disgusting breath regardless of how many times you have told the they have bad breath and someone who you found extremely unattractive, poor social skills and is just generally unhygienic? Probably not many of you.
Has anyone out there ever done the same thing - dated and slept with someone you found extremely unattractive but you did so because you felt like they were a good person and that you should overlook physical attraction and they then turned out to not be a good person and now you are haunted by disgusting memories of your sexual encounter with them? Do you hate yourself for letting such a person touch you and for having such poor self esteem that you dated someone like that? If so, how did you move past this and heal?
PS: I'm not some vain woman who thinks I am more attractive than another person, quite the contrary actually. In fact, my reasoning when I got into the relationship was "I'm sure there are some men out there who would find me attractive but I'm sure there are also some men out there who would think I'm not attractive because different people have different tastes. I wouldn't want those men to deny me a chance just based on my looks only so I shouldn't do that to others."
Disclaimer: any spelling/grammatical errors are due to the fact that I typed all of this on my very annoying iPhone which insists on autocorrecting or auto completing every work I type.
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*word not "work"! See what I mean?!
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