Help me: mother vs. girlfriend...I am really lost

[Anonymous]

Hi, and thank you for reading this.

Having been rejected in the past, I have finally met a girl that I am really in love with, and who really loves me. She is my first girlfriend. Anyways, I used to hear all the time growing up, how I "will meet a girl, have kids, a nice house, etc." I used to turn this down all the time. Well, now that I actually have a girlfriend, my mom seems to not want to give her a chance.

I think my mom seems to have this "ideal wife" thing stuck in her head, and seems to not accept my girlfriend because she can't cook (her mother never taught her how), or is very attached to me and comes to me for emotional support.

Yesterday, my mom and I got into a huge argument. A little background info on this:

I am a college student who grew up and (used to) live in city A. My parents are still in the same house. However, I go to school in city B, 2 hours away from city A, and practically call city B home.

My girlfriend, of 4 months, also is from city A. She moved out to city B recently. Last night, her first night, she called me up, in tears, because she hates being lonely and alone (I know this already). Currently home with my parents for mother's day, I was staying at city A. I wanted to drive out to city B to spend just the night with my girlfriend to calm her, with me driving back in the morning for Mother's Day. However, this erupted into a huge fight with my mom.

My mom told me I can go see my girlfriend, but "don't even bother with coming home on Mother's Day." So I tell my girlfriend that I can't come. My mom improves her attitude, but I am rather bothered. Later I find, my girlfriend knew that something could be up, and it was bothering her too.

My girlfriend has told me she feels that my mom doesn't like her. I confronted my mother about this, and she responds that she likes my girlfriend, but says she is too immature. My mom also said that my girlfriend is playing games with me and trying to use me. However, being honest with my girlfriend (she is good at sensing when something is up), I told her this, and says that she could and would never do that, and doesn't seem to understand why my mom doesn't like her for no reason. Having been used in the past, I know the signs of being used. My girlfriend does not display any of these.

My mother seems to play favorites with my brother's girlfriend, though she will not admit it (tries to make excuses that she sometimes gets mad at her, but I don't see it).

I just don't know what to do. I can go with my girlfriend, and really p*ss off my mom, or go with my mom, and make my girlfriend seem like she is not my #1 priority in my life. I seem to have no one to give me advice, so that is why I am asking this here.

What do I do? Is my mom right about my girlfriend being too immature, or is my girlfriend right about my mom not liking her? Anyway to satisfy both sides? Thank you again for reading this by the way, your time is greatly appreciated.

[l-hedoniste]

Cutting the cord

You're out the house, out of town, and full grown. By now, you should be beyond the power of anyone not waving a badge or a paycheck. At this point, the parents DISCUSS where you're going to spend Mother's Day, they SUGGEST where you could spend Mother's Day, but they TELL you nothing.

It's the firmest talk you'll have with your parents, and the most necessary--the one where you thank them for the effort, inform them that those efforts are at an END, and that further such efforts would be UNWELCOME.

Some parents require this talk over and over; some never need it, they just get it. Mine took one long, thorough blow up, and a bit of sulking. I suspect that your Mom is one of the tough ones. Wash, rinse, repeat. You've got to get this behind you.

Growing the stones

Your girl should be able to rely on you for protection and support, and here, sad to say, you've doubly failed. First, as a boyfriend, you are, to some degree, a shield against lonliness, better than solitude (one hopes). So a girl, with a man living in town, wants company. She calls her boyfriend, right? Except he can't come. His mommy won't let him. Fail.

But behind this failure, a second--,you're also your girlfriend's shield against your mother's nuttiness. Given that she has done this to your brother already (!) you should have been on guard. Instead, you mother, knowing your girlfriend is in need--probably BECAUSE she's in need--forbids you from going to comfort her. And you allow her. Fail. Again.

I understand that you want to maintain a relationship with your mother, but THIS relationship? One where she gets to explode your romantic life at will? One where your every wish is ignored? When do you put your foot down? At what point do you say, "I can't live this way?"

Friends

There's something bracing about having someone who cares about you grab you by the shoulders and scream at you when you're being stupid. It shows you're not alone in the world.

You wouldn't be asking this if you had friends, because while they were telling you that with all due respect, you're mom's a lunatic, your girlfriend would be slipping them ransom notes. You would have seen this coming, from miles off.

P.S.: On top of everything, it will be clear to you that she's acting out some insecurity issues. I could tell you that you're best positioned to confront her with the damage she's doing to her relationships, and to give her support in resolving those issues.

Having been in your shoes, though, I have to be honest: some don't want to confront their issues, and are just fine with the damage they do, no matter the consequences. Good luck with that.

[Asker]

Tough answer, but I appreciate it. You are correct, in that I obviously failed my girlfriend. I just hate to p*ss people, but I seem like I am backed into a corner here, mom vs. girlfriend. But thanks again...

[l-hedoniste]

Scraps like this are how you grow, and you've done nothing fatal. Chin up. Good luck.

[Hellohihello77777]

Best possible answer

[Nacelunk]

Throw your mom out of the equation. She loves you and raised you, but you are 18+ now and if you keep listening to your mom and following her orders'advices, you will never become an adult. If you really love your Girlfriend and she loves you, nothing else will matter. Move out of your parents house with your GF. I know people who live alone and go to college, therefore living with someone else (basically having double the income) should be a breeze through college. Your mom is thing of the past, if you ever want to become better than her and your family, you have to think with your own thoughts. And seeing how you also have your GF, you two should definitely be able to become independent.

[Simple-Simonette]

Your mother is being a mom to the nth degree. The fact that she likes your brother's girlfriend tells me that her behavior is protective not possessive. Whatever she sees in your girlfriend is something she feels will eventually hurt you.

It's hard watching your kids make mistakes. It's worse watching them make them even though they were entirely avoidable. I'm not saying you're making a mistake, just that your mother believes you are and she's just trying to protect you.

But as an adult you are entitled to make mistakes and your mother should support your decisions despite how she feels about it. It isn't her life you are living, it belongs to you ... she needs to respect that.

You don't have to take sides - honestly you don't. And as people who love you - your girlfriend and your mother shouldn't make you choose between them. All that does is make your life harder, and why would someone who loved you want to do that? It's extremely selfish - not the way either of them should behave if they have your best interest in mind.

Talk to your mother. That's all you can do. Tell her you appreciate her input, but this is what you want. Despite the fact that your mom feels your girlfriend is a needy user, that's what making you happy at the moment. The only thing that makes you upset is the fact that they can't get along. Let your mom know it doesn't matter how she feels about your girlfriend, she is who you chose - if she can't accept that, it's her problem not yours. Sorry it hurts, but you want to live your life, make your own mistakes, and love the woman you want to love. Your mother doesn't have to understand, because it's none of her business ...

It's hard to go between the people we choose to love and our families, but the only person you should be loyal to when it comes to something so personal is yourself. You are a man, you know what you want right now - that's all that should matter.

It sucks to be where you are. But keep your cool, behave in a mature manner and you will come out on top. Getting angry and spewing your rage will subtract from your point - be above all that.

Good luck.

Good luck -

[ms_jinx]

You don’t live @ home. You’re grown. One idea: tell your mother you love her, but you’re the one in this relationship (with the gf) not her… That if it is a mistake, so be it, but it is yours to make, that you want to try this out.

The people who care about you shouldn’t make you feel bad for being in love, for growing, for experiencing life; they shouldn’t make you feel like you have to choose. Ask her to respect your decisions, to respect your girlfriend and your relationships. If she is the kind of mother who is a bit possessive and therefore jealous (it doesn’t make her a bad person), tell her that you will always need her advice, her guidance, that you will always love her, but that you are in love with this girl and that’s all there is to it. You will make mistakes, for sure! Sometimes your mother will be right, and sometimes she will be completely wrong. Either way, it doesn’t matter: this is your life, your experiences, your growth. So live it. Stop trying to satisfy everyone, it’s not possible. Do what feels right, but communicate with each side. Or perhaps…have a sit down with both women in the same room, and speak. Speak your mind. Keep the voice level at a calm state: this is just a discussion: no finger pointing, no one’s wrong, no one’s right. Have them speak to each other. This could be a good or a bad idea… lol, good luck.

[jennylee]

Your mother is just looking out for your best interests...She probably does not like her, and she has a mother's intuition that she is not good for you...On the the otherhand it is your life, and you are going to make mistakes along the way..and she has to allow you to make them..As for your girlfriend well of course she senses that your mother does not like her, and probably on a unconscious level she wanted to p*ss your mom off, and she wanted to see you, so she called you up crying to see if you would come or would you stay with mommy...Women do not like to be put second to anyone, ( even the guys mother) and the mother does not want to become second ..So it is a battle between those two , but essentially you are caught in the middle...sorry for that...but can I also just point out..that your mom says that your girlfriend is immature...but your mom's behaviour seemed a little childish..saying " don't bother coming back if you go." Your mom has to let you make those decisions which could turn out to be big mistakes..but they are your mistakes to make...and if it turns out mom was right all along about the gf..well you will be wiser and mama will still be there..if your girlfriend is a keeper , your mom will realize that and will come around..Good luck!.

[MaosLeves]

Fuck both sides, your mom will always love and wants to see you being a man, so be a man and make your own decisions. Its about time for the bird to leave the nest. You should've done it anyway your girlfriend needed you and u ditched her because your mom was mad. You should've went for your girl and come back in the morning for mothers day and make your mom a nice breakfast. Anyway more to it, just do it man, are you a man or a little cat that needs to be pet and fed by his mom? Do exactly what you want, if your mother absolutely needs you go to her, if your girlfriend needs you go to her. Do you even love your gf? I would be mad at a girl that wouldn't come if I needed because her mom was afraid of losing her to me. Your momma should teach her how to cook though

[thatonechick]

I think its a little bit of both. Both females, while not having you whipped, per say, have considerable influenc eover you. You're in a situation now where only one of them will end up with that influence. Neither of them want to lose it, both want to have it. There's going to be friction. Just wait it out. Good luck, hope it helped. :)

[Anonymous]

I was in this position his mother didn't like me and he wasn't helping the situation either I kicked him to the curb he didn't love me anyway. He was too busy dating his mom.

[EBA12123]

Parents have no right to decide how you live your life. When you really love her you can learn cooking with her (for example). Both of you have to help each other in a relationship