Why do girls always let me down?

[james2023]

I am 20, a student, average looking. I am NOT the type of guy who just tries to give as many girls as possible my number, nor am I a 'player'. I wait until I am 95% sure the girl likes me before beginning to 'chase' her. and I mean really really likes me such as showing all the strong positive verbal and body language signs such as: playing with her hair, initiating conversations when we meet in person, making eye contact, always smiling/blushing etc.

So over the last few months I have been in contact with multiple girls, each showing strong interest. They are mainly similar in personality, because they are my 'type' (quite shy, intellectual, friendly, creative). So I get their numbers or add them on fb, then I invite them to hang out with me, often with an excuse for doing so such as 'studying together'. They always say yes, but then a few hours before we meet up they text or fb me saying they can't make it, followed by something that's really obviously just a fake excuse. One girl just stood me up without a single message (*bam* right in the feels...)

So I really really don't understand, ladies please help me? What am I doing wrong? Should I make it more clear and clarify that I am after a date with them instead of excuses to be together?

Obviously I understand sometimes people are genuinely busy but this has happened on MULTIPLE occasions now with several girls over the last few months; it really feels like it's not just a coincidence.

The only logical conclusions I can derive are that they simply aren't interested in me - despite the fact that they show all the positive signs.

OR

They are just so shy/nervous and chicken out at the last minute (but how can anyone be THAT SHY? Is this even possible?)

It's my understanding that a girl will move mountains just even get close to the guy she likes...

I really don't think I am coming off as desperate or anything, and it's starting to make me feel pretty low because honestly I am SO sure they liked me, and then I just get let down :,(

Advice please? Sorry if this might have been a bit long

[CellLuddite]

AFC. Average Frustrated Chump. It seems to me like they ONLY reason they showed you any interest in the first place is because you're smart and you could be a meal ticket to high test scores. So that's why they give you a chance and flirt with you. Girls do sort of appreciate a smart guy.

But then the follow up is wishy washy. Your invitation lacks confidence and doesn't inspire desire in your target. Girls want boys to chase them. They want to feel sexy and they want attention. You just come off as beta.

You gotta flirt with all the girls so you put the fear of a missed opportunity in their hearts. Oh you stood me up? Well there's like a million other attractive girls on campus who would love to hang out with me, too bad you missed your chance. I might not be single for much longer...

Girls only want guys that other girls want. Sucks, but that's life.

Okay, you might feel discouraged now, and might want to not offer to tutor a girl ever again. That's the wrong lesson to learn from this. Yeah maybe a girl might use you. But most girls won't. They would feel guilty about being tutored by a shy clueless boy that would fall in love with them, and then create an uncomfortable situation. In their mind, they're putting you out of your misery early by refusing to study with you. You just give off that vibe. So stop giving out that vibe. Instead of inviting the girl you have your eye on to study with you one on one, invite her friend. Or put together a study group. If you can show you have social capital, that you can be useful as a team player you can get her to think she's missing out and come running to you.

Use your intelligence as a hook to make them want more.

Oh yeah, and one more thing. There IS NO such thing as a shy girl. It's all an act. They've all had sex. They've all had boyfriends. They all know that they have the power. Think about it. Girls have never had to approach someone they're interested their entire life. How exactly could a shy girl exist? What would that mean? Where would the fear of being socially rejected come from?

[InquisitiveMale]

Shy women don't exist. I laughed at that.

Sounds like some pua regurgitation.

[InquisitiveMale]

But I was with you up until that last paragraph :)

[james2023]

thanks

[CellLuddite]

The last paragraph was a bit out there I admit. My point was that being a shy girl is completely different from being a shy guy. Can we agree on that? If we were to say that shy guys don't try to pick up chicks, then wouldn't logic dictate then that ALL girls are shy because they don't try to pick guys up?

Generally speaking, with random sampling, no girl out there is gonna be as clueless and or shy as you are. That's my point.

And for this guy, that hasn't had much success,

[CellLuddite]

the current explanation he has, that girls are putting off the social interaction because they're shy is just plain wrong. It's ironic. They're blowing you off because YOU'RE shy.

[james2023]

Honestly I don't consider myself to be shy though, I think I just didn't make myself look like a prize to her like you suggested towards. So just not 'alpha' enough?

[CellLuddite]

I'm glad to hear that you're not shy. You sound reasonably competent and comfortable. I don't know your situation, so I could only guess. AFC is pretty normal, so it's not like I'm admonishing you or trying to put you down; I'm trying to explain the problem and solution from what I know. Most guys are AFC. Most guys actually do alright though, don't they? They might not get every girl they want, but eventually some girl comes along and they just click, and they stop worrying about it.

[CellLuddite]

I gotta say, your experience of flakey girls is kinda the norm. Girls are callous. They stop texting you, they try to use you, they break appointments. They admonish us for not fitting into their girl paradigm. And possibly even if they genuinely like you, they might pretend not to, as part of "single life game", or because they don't want to lead you on if they like you as a friend. They're just plain nuts, and rude. So don't feel slighted. You might be doing just fine.

But you asked why

[InquisitiveMale]

I remember when my sister first started dating her husband; a good friend of mine first.

She's not a shy person but she was guarded and afraid of attachment, associating those feelings with pain and loss. She went on a couple dates with him, they were like two moths to a flame, but then all of a sudden she's trying to back paddle. She started putting off his calls and avoiding him. He's getting frustrated and doesn't know where he's going wrong.

Fact was, she was head over heels in for this guy, I knew it and she knew it. But here she was avoiding him and botching things up. And why? because she was afraid.

Most people never leave their comfort zone without a strong support system. Chance are the girls you are trying to date are fearful of their interactions with you, they may like you, but in order to initiate and follow through they need someone pushing them.

And if you're shy... chances are you don't get close enough to others to build a support system. Shy people tend be out on their own and thus they're never forced to face the situation. They keep in avoidance mode.

My advice? Be their support system. If you think someone is lying about being busy, call them on it. Be playful and nice about it, don't offend them or put them into protection mode, but push them to confront their fears; challenge them.

If they're shy, it's just going to take that much more determination.

[james2023]

thanks, I just can't get my head around how a woman can be like that though, it's something I have never experienced before

[GreatnessPersonified]

'I wait until I am 95% sure the girl likes me before beginning to 'chase' her."

That's a setup for failure. You will never know if she likes you 95%. The only way to know is to ask her out.

"The only logical conclusions I can derive are that they simply aren't interested in me - despite the fact that they show all the positive signs."

You're right, they aren't. You are reading all these signs, but failing to see the truth. You will only know if a girl likes you if she accepts and follows through on dates. Also, you add them to your FB, maybe you got some stuff on there that is unsavory to others.

P.S. You said, "then I invite them to hang out with me, often with an excuse for doing so such as 'studying together'."

Right there, that's creepy. You use means with ulterior motives to get them. They probably saw through that and cancelled. If you actually wanted to study, and it moved into that, then more power to you. But, don't tell them one thing, with another thing setup. That's not cool.

pm me if you need more advise.

[james2023]

Thanks for being honest. When I ask them to study, in the past we do actually do studying, but just have a conversation at the same time to get to know each other more.

Would it be a good idea to follow up on one of these girls by saying something like "ok no problem, we can hang out some other time"?

[GreatnessPersonified]

Yup. I personally treat it like work. If they say "no", then I say "no problem". No begging or negotiating. I just keep it moving. "You have no time for me, then I have no time for you" is what I say.

[james2023]

So just to clarify, you are saying that if a girl initiates conversation with you and flirts with you it doesn't mean she likes you? That sort of breaks my whole logic, because I always believed you only ask a girl out when you think she likes you, then see if you can build up something more by spending more time together. I think it could be down to the fact that in my mind set I am still a teenager playing 'mind games' and I need to accept I am fully into the adult world now.

[GreatnessPersonified]

"So just to clarify, you are saying that if a girl initiates conversation with you and flirts with you it doesn't mean she likes you?" Honestly, there is only one way to find out and that's by asking her out on a date, clear and simple.

"That sort of breaks my whole logic,..."

HAHAHA! You actually used logic with women? No, women are not a logic based activity, you have to go with your guts on this one.

[Theguyoverthere]

Honestly.. a "study date" sounds like an excuse to make out. Much like a "movie at my place" is like an excuse to have sex.

I think you need to ask them out on actual dates here. Girls do complain that guys only want to "hang out." You need to make romantic intentions clear. You need to invite them out for coffee or something. Keep getting to know each other through the dates. Don't get so worked up before even going on a date.

If they're flaking last minute. This does happen to actual dates too. Sometimes it was because she wasn't interested to begin with. Other times it's because she is immature.