Does a fear of rejection dictate your behavior?

[Anonymous]

For some, rejection is nothing more than a challenge. It inspires them to do more, do better, be more, be better, fight for something or someone. Rejection is the push they often feel they needed, a little extra incentive to get their lives together (or careers, or health, or even personalities). It gives them the drive to look inward, honestly, and make changes.

For others, rejection is pain. It's a verification of all they feel is wrong, it destroys their self-esteem, it mentally paralyzes them. They're embarrassed when it happens, and embarrassed to admit it later. After experiencing rejection multiple times, they start to develop a "victim" mentality, thinking that life is working against them in every way.

Because so many actually FEAR rejection, because it can hurt (of course), does that fear dictate our behavior?
Do we, too often, allow a fear of rejection to control our lives, to keep us from living to the fullest?

Does a fear of rejection dictate your behavior, personally?
Or are you part of that first group, who accepts the challenge rejection presents?

Please feel free to elaborate!

Yes.

No.

Yes, but only in certain circumstances.

I just want to see the results.

[Anonymous]

Fear of rejection is just too intense for me. Strangely, I have never asked a woman out in my life. I was involved in a couple of relationships long back, but then it was the girls who made the first move. But I keep seeing my male contacts (friends, relatives, colleagues etc.) getting rejected left and right, so I'm scared to approach women.

I'm not really bad looking. In fact, most people say that I certainly look way above average. And I'm reasonably well settled in my career as well. Its just that the women of this age have VERY high expectations from their potential partners. Suppose a man has 100 good qualities in him and approaches a woman, but she's looking for ONE quality different from those 100 he already has, then he is sure to get rejected.

Unfortunately I also happen to be emotional and sensitive (which are rare traits for men), and its a known fact that women almost always prefer rough-and-tough type and generally 'bad' guys. I'm not a pushover, but I'm just someone who values human emotions and emotional bonding much more than casual sex or a purely physical relationship. So obviously, this would deduct some brownie point from me although I personally feel that I'm not doing anything wrong.

And then again, I tend to lose confidence pretty quickly. Since i don't have the looks of Tom Cruise or a bank account like Bill Gates, I obviously have to ask several women out and keep getting rejected (which gradually lowers my confidence with every rejection). But when I finally meet someone who would have said yes, she too would reject me for not being 'confident enough', without knowing that this lack of confidence is a result of repeated rejections.

I'm slowly curbing my attraction towards women by involving myself in other activities. I've resigned to the fact that I have no chance with women unless I change myself into a typical 'bad guy' (which my conscience won't permit). But I don't pity myself, and actually begun to enjoy being single.

[Asker]

Well, I hate "bad boys", haha! They don't interest me, haven't since I was a teenager. And I know I'm not the only woman who feels that way.If you never try, you'll never find out.I don't think seeing others fail should be a reason to not give it a try :-) Good things might happen...

[Opinion Owner]

@AskerThank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. I agree with you, but I mentioned the thing about my confidence. I obviously can't expect a 'yes' for the first few times, and that would make my confidence nosedive. I also don't feel comfortable with the fact that even though there is so much gender equality in the world now, men are STILL expected to ALWAYS make the first move. Suppose a woman says 'yes', even then a man always needs to be on his toes to prevent her from developing interest in someone else (because its much easier for a woman to find a boyfriend, than for a man to find a girlfriend). On the other hand, the woman need not have to bother much about this because even if the man dumps her, there will be 10 others in a queue, vying for her attention.

[Asker]

Well, I think it's important to think of women as your peers, with many feeling what you're feeling, many facing the same kind of rejection you're afraid of, many saying the very things you're saying. We really aren't so different.I think you should give us a chance... someday.And good luck for when you do, because I know you will, hehe ^_^

[Opinion Owner]

@AskerOh God, me giving women a chance? Hehe! We men are actually hoping for even a SMALL chance from women, which we're willing to grab with both hands, because I've always thought its the women who hold all the cards with respect to dating! In fact, we have been reduced to such a state that we even have to consider a simple smile form a woman as a small success. So where's the question of ME giving women a chance? Lolzzz!Anyway, thanks once again for boosting my confidence. I definitely feel better now, so I'll try my hand at dating. But I need some time, maybe around a month, to shed my inhibitions, muster up a bit of courage and also prepare myself for a few rejections (if they happen. After that, I'll see what best I can do in this matter. Thank you so much!

[Asker]

Haha! Well, I just meant because you said you don't even try. It's true, many women expect men to do all the romancing, but not ALL women. You know how it goes, the good ones are always harder to find, haha! That's true for people, in general, friendships included.If you ever want to talk or just vent, my door is always open!I'm glad you feel a little better!

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you! I have been reading your questions and responses since several years on this site, and was tempted many times to add you. But you're an admin, and I'm just a common site member. Also, I reside in a third world country and usually people in developed countries (especially the US) don't want to have anything to do with people of third world countries. Due to these reasons I didn't add you. But now, I guess you won't mind if I do that, especially since now we can just 'follow' other members, and there isn't really something called a 'friend list' on GAG anymore.

[Opinion Owner]

I mean...you're one of the very few people here who actually provide unbiased answers. Most others just give opinions favoring their gender.

[Opinion Owner]

You'll get a notification about a guy with the username 'aficionado' following you. That's me.

[Asker]

Aww, well thank you very much for the kind words! Don't ever think you can't talk to me because I'm an admin, haha! I'm still a user too and always enjoy getting to know and helping G@Gers in all ways. I'd follow you back, but your profile is private, haha!

[Opinion Owner]

@Asker
Oops! i never knew that setting my profile 'private' also prevents others from following me! Anyway, my profile isn't private anymore! You're most welcome to follow me, and that would be an honor! :)

[Asker]

Sweet ^_^

[JustinX]

i feel you dude we have almost the same experience, i feel bad for myself that i don't want to exist anymore

[David-NewZealand]

Yes it does dictate my behaviour. I am 31 and the closest I have ever come to having a girlfriend is seeing a girl two times a week for four weeks. I have been treated so badly by women and yes my behaviour is affected. I am not saying I haven't made mistakes because I have but I have also received so much rubbish I did not deserve. Rejection for me is intense pain, it makes me feel all is wrong, it destroys my self-esteem, it mentally paralyses me. I am extremely mad at the time it happens and then hold a grudge against the women pretty much forever. I feel I am a victim and to be quite honest developing a hate for all women because how I have been treated. I no longer feel like I can trust women and I always feel like they are poking fun and laughing at me. That is something I am trying to get myself out of but its so hard. Yes rejection can change the way we behave, it certainly does for me and yes you are right we probably do let it change our lives and stop us living to our fullest when we shouldn't let us affect us. I am sorry I don't mean to sound negative about women but when I fall I fall hard and I its not easy being in my situation.

[Asker]

Well, I'm sorry you've been put through a lot.
Please try to remember it really isn't ALL women, we're not all laughing at you or poking fun... some of us are good people, worth knowing :-)

[David-NewZealand]

That's exactly what I try and keep telling myself. But it sure gets hard... :)

[Asker]

Gotta train the brain, haha!

[David-NewZealand]

I think we all goat train our brains sometimes lol!

[David-NewZealand]

opps typo lol

[David-NewZealand]

I am sure its that darn auto correct bahaha

[Asker]

I just thought maybe you were typing with an accent :-P

[David-NewZealand]

Some of the mistakes in the original message. But yeah I am sure I didn't type goat lol :P

[Anonymous]

It's not really the fear of rejection, but how they are going to reject me. I usually assume I am going to be rejected, but I've had some guys be extremely harsh with me. If I am not interested in someone, I am usually polite about it although it's rare a guy is interested anyway. However, if I let a guy know that I am interested they are usually very mean because I am ugly. They have no problem with trying to hurt me, so usually I just don't try anymore.

I think it kind of stems from High School too. I told a guy that I liked him, and then he made up rumors that I was stalking him. I didn't even know where he lived, or anything. We just had one class together and we sat beside each other and I got to know him. But he decided to turn it into something horrible. I was about 14/15 at the time. I've had other harsh rejections, but that one has always stuck out for me. It's what happens when a person is very ugly.

[Asker]

I'm sorry you've gone through that!
I actually had some harsh treatment in high school as well. The worst was probably when a guy buttered me up for a long time, then asked me out one day in the lunch room in front of everyone, and when I said yes, they all started laughing and making fun, saying how stupid I was for thinking someone would actually like me, blah blah. Things like that are hard to get out of your head, so I understand!
I wish you the best though, I really do!

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks.
But yeah recently I had someone butter me up. I thought for sure he was interested in me. We talked often, he did things for me, when I was sick he kept texting me to see if I was better. He brought me soup. He complimented me often. I had feelings for him, so I decided that I'd tell him how I feel. He told me he wasn't looking for a girlfriend at the moment. Two weeks later he had a girlfriend. He wasn't harsh with me or anything, but it still hurt. Maybe it was my fault for taking his niceness as something else, but I'd never had a guy pay that much attention to me. And most of my friends told me that it seemed like he was definitely interested.

[Asker]

Yeah. People are all so different so it can be hard to figure out if it's a romance brewing or just friendly gestures. That's why you'll see that question so often on here. It's hard to tell sometimes.

[neveryoumind]

I like your question and it helped me in an indirect way lol

I would say it depends on what is involved. If a guy rejects me for my looks I think 'fuck it' and move on. You either like what you see or you dont but I am not phased by it since I wasn't put on this earth to impress others. Thats why when it comes to guys and friendships I am less affected or worried about rejection.

However, when it comes to my career I can take rejection badly. If I can't get the job I want it can make me feel horrible. so much so that sometimes I dont even apply for a job becasue of a fear of rejection. Having said that I do look at alternative routes to get what I want so I am on the fence with that one also lol.

[Asker]

It helped you? That's awesome :-D

You're the opposite of most, haha! Most can take work rejection, but not dating rejection.

[Hannah591]

I went after my boyfriend, made all the first moves even though for much of the time, I felt like he was too good for me. I didn't let myself over think about rejection, in fact, I can't remember ever thinking he'd reject me and how I'd deal with it. I kept persisting and I didn't let myself over think like most people do on this site, which drives them to ask questions on what they should do next.
I know that him rejecting me wouldn't be the end of the world and I knew if he did, I'd probably find someone just as good eventually.

[kangaru2]

Plus 1

[RedThread]

Yes but only in certain circumstances. I don't usually fall for people. I'd say it's very rare for me to ever have any type of romantic connection with anyone. I can count on one hand the number of times I've felt that way. So when a person tickles my fancy I immediately sabotage any kind of hope I could have with the person especially if I have a good chance with her. I think my fear of failure and rejection is the main thing that causes me to self sabotage.

A girl I really had a thing for got married a couple of years back. We were inseparable for a while and we shared hobbies together like reading the same books. She kind of hinted that she had a thing for me and I immediately became distant with her. I miss whatever it was I had with that person..

I think the reason I self sabotage is because I know I can't keep up the act forever. The image I show the world isn't really how I am. It's exhausting maintaining the happy go lucky charade. I guess I'm afraid for people to see the real me because they won't like what they see. I have so many shortcomings that most people don't get a chance to see fortunately. I don't trust anyone with that to my own detriment.

So yeah this is why I do anything to prevent rejection by keeping all dealings with women as casual as possible. That way things don't get too emotionally heavy causing me to distance myself and run for the hills before they do.

[RedThread]

The weird thing is that I've never been rejected by a woman in my life so I have no idea why I'm this way lol

[Asker]

Wow... yeah, I just learned something about you I didn't know and wouldn't have guessed. I really appreciate you sharing that :-) As for not letting people see the real you, I completely understand that. Sometimes I feel like a completely separate entity from the Karyn people know. I don't mean I lie or pretend, I just keep a lot to myself. I wrote a poem about that actually, with lines like, "I am a diluted version of myself, only being me discreetly." "Completely me, only to a degree." So yeah, I get it.

[RedThread]

A lot of people don't know this about me and I like to keep it that way. It's funny that people on the Internet know more about me than my closest friends do. I'm unusual for reasons I don't want to get into but I think most of those women are better off. The one I was taking about married a banker or whatever so she really scored financially.

The Tyler people know is lighthearted, personable, wise and level headed. The Tyler I know is conflicted, unsatisfied and filled with both mental and physical intimacy issues that I've had all my life. I get really put off just watching physical intimacy never mind actually performing it myself. It's probably something I should get help for, haha. But yeah if a girl finds any of this out it would be the end of any future engagements.

Girls are better off with me as a good friend instead of getting into problems they wouldn't have ever guessed about me :)

I have a dangerous habit of just speaking my mind on GAG while tired... :/

[ironeddie]

I can relate to all this "hiding". People at work know the person I let them see. Which is the carefree, happy, outgoing person. Which is nowhere close to how I actually feel and see myself most of the time. I guess that's the person I wish I was. having to keep up this facade all the time is exhausting. No-one has ever believed me if I tell them the truth.
Hopefully with time and work I can actually turn into the person I pretend to be.
:-)

[Asker]

I hope we're all able to let these fears and feelings of inadequacy go and allow someone to know us someday. While I fear it, I also long to feel close to someone. Such is the severely ambivalent nature of my personality.
But better off? No. I believe that, without a doubt, we are worth knowing :-)

[steveguitar]

mine is probably the latter, rejection being pain. at least nowadays it is. I don't like going against the thoughts in my head or waiting around to get confirmation from somebody else. I have enough trouble with social relationships that I don't need all the people to tell me that my goals are wrong or misplaced or anything. so I think I've come to a point where I just don't listen to people anymore, especially people who don't have the same mindset or want something else from my life when they don't have to live it.

the rejection separates me from a lot of social activity, besides my inability to socialize and relate to others.

and I have never approached a girl, so I don't even know about rejection that way.

people are inevitably going to think that I am weird, that's because my life doesn't reflect their understanding or scheduling or desires for life. and they will never really know who I am because I am quiet and don't tell anybody about my life, just so I don't get challenged or have to feel more different or like more of an outsider.

[ironeddie]

Due to various occurrences in my upbringing. Rejection, in particular by women terrifies me.

Because of these issues, it has most certainly affected me in negative ways, and has controlled my behaviour for a very long time.

That being said I've been in therapy for a while now. And definitely making progress. But there has been soooo much I've missed out on in life starting from about the time I was 7. Some of these things are very, very scary to try and do. Others are just plain impossible. Not to mention I feel I'm too old for trying to regain some of these lost opportunities.

I don't know why I wrote all this? But yes fear of rejection has dictated a lot of what I will and will not do. :-)

[Asker]

So therapy is helping some? Are you starting to feel better about things?

[ironeddie]

Yes it is helping. I'm still not to a point of asking someone out, maybe one day. I was diagnosed as bipolar about 35 years ago. With that and the other events in my life it messed me up badly. There was a period of about 11 years, where, with the exception of work and doctor appointments. I didn't leave the house. Literally.
I have come a long way in the last few years. Who knows maybe one day I'll actually be able to go on a date.
:-)

[Asker]

I think you will :-)
As long as you keep working on it. We're ALL works in progress, in my opinion. Until the day we die.

[ironeddie]

:-)

Thank you.

[Alessus]

Fear is an emotion I don't think I've felt for a long time. I learned early on in life that not everything goes your way, even if you'd want it. But being entangled by fear that something might go wrong is not really a way to live your life. Adding that to my straightforward nature which already felt conflicted about fearing anything, I don't think I've feared anything in a really long time. Not for my life or health, not the rejection of others or anything. So no, I don't fear rejection, even less let it control my life.

[Asker]

It sounds like you're very well put together, mentally :-)

[Alessus]

Aye, but then again, when your future career aspiration is to be a soldier, you need to be.

[GoodManDave]

For dating, I don't exactly fear asking women out... I DO hate it... I would say it's more fun getting a cavity filled than asking a girl out. However, I WILL do it if I'm sure that not asking would be a bigger regret, or I believe it has a realistic chance of working out. I don't ask a lot of women out, but that's not all to do with "fear" of rejection (things like my career, not knowing many women my age, etc).

I hate the idea of "cold calling" for work. I'm not an aggressive salesman. People could say that this is "fear" of rejection, but there are other reasons why I hate doing it.

[eHeart95]

I'm only completely afraid of rejection and failure if I feel like I should be able to do it.
Asking a guy out? Not afraid of rejection because it deals with his opinion on me. I move on quickly, so if a guy says no, it's not the end of the world.
Getting turned down for an internship/job that I really felt I deserved and would work well in? Heck yes- it makes me a lot more nervous and sad the next time I feel like a shoe-in for a job. It won't necessarily make me not try next time, but I'm a lot more hesitant.
Getting rejected for something I didn't really deserve and/or didn't really try my hardest? Nope- not going to change my behavior at all.

So, yes. It can. But it doesn't always and more often than not, it's only a small fear and change; nothing too unmanageable.

[ViviT]

I've got nothing to loose. If I gain something that's great but if I don't at least I tried. Nothing to torment yourself about. I go for what I want, I do it with passion and dedication and if my best isn't good enough for that situation then maybe that particular happening is not for me. I used to agonize about that stuff but really, you just have to remember that being rejected doesn't take away from who you are or what you want. It just shows you somethings that you might be missing or overlooking that you can work on. We never stop learning so we never stop growing. Learn from your hindrances and do your best. I'm not saying never fall because hurt is natural but the only time you've failed is when you stop getting back up.

[Dazzledxx]

Overall, I would definitely say that rejection is not a huge fear of mine and it definitely doesn't affect my behavior. Previously in my life, I was the kind of person who would be broken and taken down by rejection but Im not that person anymore. I would categorize myself in the first category (a person who uses rejection to push themselves forward and make themselves stronger.) I'm not personally affected by rejection, and most of the time it's because I can evaluate the situation and realize that the flaw was not necessarily from me ;) it takes strong confidence to not let yourself be affected by rejection.

[JohnnyBananas]

Very well said sparrow.

I am afraid of rejection, just like a lot of other men and women, at least in terms to dating. I'm not as afraid of rejection as I used to be back in high school and late teens/early 20s. It's more so that I have trust issues and I have a hard time reading women. Is she just being nice? Or is she genuinely interested in me. Eventually, I think as I continue to better myself and 'learn' about others, it won't be as much of an issue.

Now, in terms of careers and sports, I'm not afraid. I will work my ass off (sports wise) to get in shape so I can get invited to a team. It paid off recently with soccer (despite my injury). Career wise, I've gotten jobs that I thought were out of my reach, even though they weren't the best. Even if I didn't have a shot, I'd still give it a shot. It sucks but it definitely motivates me to improve.

[dipta]

I'll go ahead and say everyone is afraid of rejection, even (or more so?) people who take on the challenge and always try to do better, to improve themselves - so chances of getting rejected are slimmer.
The correct answer I think is "it could dictate your behaviour" if you let it, in the sense of it preventing you from doing something, but it doesn't have to.

[Asker]

Does it dictate yours?

[dipta]

It may sound pathetic, but I'm used to being rejected and I'm not as proud as I used to be.
Afraid of failing isn't something that will prevent me from trying to get something I really want to, although I always weigh down my chances.
Still, I voted only in certain circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Fear of rejection has caused me a lot of trouble haha.
I guess many of the mistakes I've made were driven by this fear, like pushing people away just because I didn't want to be rejected...
And sometimes I can go and be totally opposite, and give a damn about what people say, which has caused me some trouble as well hahaha

It depends on the status of my self-esteem, which can be very fluctuating :/

I'm still working on this :)

Great question.

[Asker]

I feel you! I really do!
I hope we both get better with it (^_^)

[alexstorm]

What's the problem? The right one will eventually say yes. She's worth finding and everyone understands that chemistry is not always there. Why do guys let that affect their ego. Grow a pair and go up and say hi to women whom you find interesting.

[Slimart]

I have no fear of it, I love it rejection..honestly..It kinda makes me what to do better than the last guys..It's like loving the taste of vengeance without all the blood and slow motion gun shots
#I'M COMING AFTER YOU BABE YOU MAY RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE

[Janson]

For me it often does. In my dating life, it has often made me fearful to approach women because i've historically never been the guy that girls swooned over or had crushes on. So I've never had the social proof growing up that i was attractive/desirable. So that has kept me back a bit, but I've been making more efforts to come out of my comfort zone.

[Casper286]

When I'm rejected in any situation, I usually just back off. But, it does hurt me a lot to be rejected especially when I have put a lot of time and/or emotions into what/who I wanted. I do get embarrassed when I'm rejected because a lot of times it's very embarrassing but I just try to move on from it and keep going. Sometimes, fear of rejection gets the best of me when I invested a lot of emotion into something/someone because I would be devastated if it didn't go how I wanted it to.

[JustinX]

yeah for my case it destroyed my self esteem and become loser in my entire life for not having a single gf and proved how worthless shit i am for not doing any good at all, but the what so called "self-fulfilling prophecy" that i expect to be rejected so much, that when i approach a girl to ask her out, i sound defeated to her. She will immediately sense this as a sign of low confidence and self esteem.

[Anonymous]

In terms of dating or pursuing the opposite sex, no, rejection does not dictate my behavior. I do not like rejection, certainly, but I do not fear it. I suppose the positive experiences that I have had with women, knocking on wood, has had a positive impact on my self-esteem.

[JustMeL120]

It's not rejection that people feel. It's cruelty. if a guy rejects me in two words. I go home cry for a bit. Cry to a friend or a therapist and eventually I will get over it. But if the rejection comes with insults like you are unattractive, you are ugly your a stalker. Obssesive, psycho, And all his friends getting involved that is not rejection that is abuse bullying cruelty. It's NOT rejection. It's not normal. That what people fear don't you get this.

[stardust101]

Well for me, the fear of rejection hurts my feelings at first but then I become part of the first group you mentioned where I don't let fear get me down, so I confront my fear and then I rise higher to escape it.

[godfatherfan]

When it comes to women it is very painful. so yes, fear of rejection will dictate how I approach things.
in all other cases I really don't care. I have self confidence in those area, just not with women.